the idle parent | Sleep is for the Weak

Screw you structured play and learning stuff! I’m doing just fine…

Posted by Josie on Nov 20, 2009 in Uncategorized | 17 comments

Do you know the most wonderful thing about blogging? (’cause blogging’s a wonderful thing…)

It is the fact that yesterday I can post one of my usual ‘worrying I’m not doing enough‘ posts and in 24 hours can receive back an overwhelming number of comments of solidarity, reassurance, encouragement and affirmation, and at a time when I most need to hear it too. I’m said it before and I’ll say it again. You guys are AMAZING.

Turns out all of you could relate, or remember feeling the same when your kids were Kai’s ages, or thought I was talking the biggest pile of twaddle you have ever read and kindly left me advice to show me the error of my ways. I felt so much better by all your fantastic advice that I actually went on last night and amended my post, which I’m reproducing here so you can see it:

Amendment:

I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.

So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.

Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.

Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.

And because the comments are THAT GOOD! and because so many of you seem to secretly feel the same, people like Emma, Sharni, Andrea, Theresa, Dotty, Solveig, I am going to reproduce some of them here: to stand as a testament against insanely irritating structured play and that feeling that you’re failing because you’re not very good at it. Here we go… (it’s also a good way of introducing you to some of my lovely readers!)

Kat from Slugs on the Refridgerator tells me:

“In my personal view, kids do not need to be entertained all the time, in fact they should not be. I don’t know where on earth society came up with the stupid idea that SAHM need to educationally stimulate their kids all the time (though my bet would be on Toys R Us). For the vast majority of human history, kids were just along for the ride. They helped adults do their work or played happily alongside. Kids these days (and parents) have much too high expectations about cramming all this learning and activity into a day, when in fact children’s job is just to play… As for learning, children will learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it.”

Brits in Bosnia said:

“I have a theory that lots of children are over stimulated today anyway; too much time doing structured play with adults and not enough time developing their own abilities to create their own worlds and games. Children need to be bored sometimes as they need to learn how they can entertain themselves and develop their own imaginations.”

The Madhouse (who is probably QUEEN of creative activities in my book!) suggests that:

“…they learn by copying and watching. We have never had structured play at all. It always amazes me when people ask if I taught the boys their numbers and things, no way. I just have fun with them.”

Victoria from It’s a Small World After All is my idol for dreaming up exciting trips with her children so I was very reassured to have her tell me:

“They need to learn to entertain themselves… I’ve always called it benign neglect. I play with my children a bit, but I also expect them to get on with it by themselves. My eldest has the most incredible imagination. And it’s not just me being a proud parent, her teachers always comment on it. I’m sure it’s to do with making up her own games and I feel like it’s something I’ve done really right (unlike most of the things I feel like I’ve done wrong). It’s a gift that will hopefully stand her in good stead. Personally, I’d far rather they were able to turn a bunk bed into a pirate ship than most other things.

And as for ‘teaching’ them their colours, numbers etc, I can tell you that after 3 children, the effort you put into these things in no way reflect the outcome. I spent ages trying to teach the eldest colours etc and she learnt them at exactly the same age as the middle one, who I didn’t bother teaching them to….”

Muddling Along Mummy wisely points out:

“…giving them space to explore and develop on their own is a great gift – better that than being one of those horrid helicopter mums who interfere continually in their child’s life”

Amber, who I admire enormously as a FAB mum admits:

“You know what? I take every little bit of independent play that my kids will give me. It’s actually very enriching for them to go and do their own thing, in their own way. They don’t really need us to give them structure to their play, or make sure they’re reaching their optimal potential, or anything. They can mostly figure it out for themselves.”

And my very lovely friend Mwa (who is always right about everything) popped on late last night to tell me:

“You are fine. And structured play is completely unnecessary. As long as you interact with each other, and do things together, he will be fine. I think in fact that it’s unnatural to have all this structured play with an adult. If it doesn’t feel right, there’s probably some evolutionary reason… Don’t try to do what you’re bad at all the time. Just do what you love and are good at. I’m sure you’ll end up teaching him plenty.

Oh, and while I’m hijacking your blog anyway, I just read that structured learning before about age six is not only unnecessary, it may actually do more harm than good. Just trust Kai’s learning instincts. He will get there his own way, whatever you do.”

So there you go. I am officially LETTING THIS ONE GO! I am doing fine. I may not always have the patience or the energy for lots of structured play and formal learning, but I am NEVER too busy or too tired for a cuddle or a giggle or a game of hide and seek when Kai wants them.

I am also off now to order the book The Idle Parent that some of you recommended, to read whenever I feel under pressure to get the flash cards out.

Thanks again folks. And thanks to Linda, Kelly, Leah, Eileen, Nicola, Weston-Super-Mum, Spiragirl, Heather, Tasha, Erica, Emily, Kathryn, and Kath for al your equally wonderful comments.