sleep | Sleep is for the Weak

Make friends, make friends, never ever break friends

Posted by Josie on Dec 15, 2009 in Uncategorized | 45 comments

I am curled in a ball on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, my face turned away from you, my eyes tight shut against the glare of the artificial light of our early morning.

Vague sounds of the television and your quiet play and chatter filter through but don’t penetrate past the armour I have so carefully applied this morning. You are just noise to me. I wish you weren’t here.

I wish I wasn’t here.

I feel bruised. My body pinched, pulled, rearranged. A night of being your bed, comforter, punching bag, drinks dispenser, toy, as you worked through your rage and despair and frustration and all of the other things that seem to plague your nights. I wonder at what point last night did I finally shut down? At what point did I stop hearing the crying and just switch off to the writhing, grasping, angry little body in my arms. At what point did you stop being my baby and become something I had to endure? It was before exhaustion took you, finally, that much I know. Long before. Your stamina long eclipsing mine. My head hitting the pillow numb and empty.

I feel nothing now. My body moving on auto-pilot as I was woken from a sleep only just begun. I am cold, my skin prickling, as if the emotional drainage of the night has taken all my body heat with it. I shake, I shiver, wrapped in my cocoon and in darkness.

And yet even now, in my dark place, the mother synapses fire again. Ears on alert for sounds of distress and need. I hate that the instinct is so strong, that even when I want to disengage it holds me. Even now blissful nothingness is beyond my grasp, however much I wish for it, as anger burns hot in my chest. Dull but there, keeping me from icing up completely. I suppose I should be grateful for it. Grateful for feeling something. Because what kind of mother feels nothing?

Wrapped in shadow I am concious of time passing. All too soon the sounds of contented occupation begin to morph to sighs and little murmurs of annoyance. It is inevitable.

And then.

Movement. A shuffle. Warm fingers feeling there way beneath my covers to find my face, probing but gentle, searching for a connection and a response.

“Mama”

I am defrosting. The guilt is creeping back now. A familiar friend. Guilt that I seem unable to perform such a basic a function as enduring your need for me. Guilt at my weakness, at my selfishness, at my inadequate limits. Guilt that I am not enough, never enough for you. Guilt that I could ever wish you far away.

Turning, I pull you up and under, your body settling into my shape. I cannot yet look at you but your eager grin hovers an inch from my face in the half-light, your breath heavy and sweet. You wriggle your way through my defences, seeking out my bruises and my hurts with gentle hands, your fingers pushing their way through my hair to stroke and sooth and pat: movements learnt from being their recipient so many times.

You lie still for only a moment, but it is long enough for me to feel a rush of love so strong and deep it takes my breath, releasing in one low, shaking sob, that makes my body move and throw off the cover to let in the bright light of the dawn, here at last.

And I hold you close to me, breathing in your smell and your warmth and your life as the long night drips off me, and you begin to chatter with your nonsense words, telling me of your plans, about the red car that just drove past and that the dog from next door is awake and barking hello, and how you’d really like some breakfast please.

I take your hands in mine and plant a kiss on each small palm and look up at you to smile. Breakfast. Yes.

Just when I thought I was going to lose my mind…

Posted by Josie on Nov 30, 2009 in Uncategorized | 20 comments

Ten ways in which the Universe was kind to me today:

1. Not only did Kai only wake up ONCE last night, he slept in until, wait for it, 8am!!!!! I got up before him, got dressed, made a cuppa. It was quite possibly the best morning of my life.

2. All that sleep meant Kai was in a KILLER mood. We laughed, we nearly wee’d ourselves with excitement riding the bus, we only had a handful of minor meltdowns at Playgroup and Kai made friends with a small girl with pretty hair. Toast was eaten, toys were shared. It was legendary.

3. When we got home Kai sat happily and drunk half a cup of moo moo milk (as opposed to mama milk). This is only the second time I’ve got him to drink any with out screaming and throwing it at me. If you were in the Midlands area and heard a Ahhhh sound that would have been my boobs sighing with relief. We’re down to two feeds in 24 hours people! TWO!

4. In one of those adorable toddler moments, every sip of Kai’s milk was accompanied by a “mmmm!”, a lip smack and a big grin. I’ve been giving him milk everyday and encouraging him to drink it with lots of “yum yum” and “ooh delicious!” – looks like he’s cottoned on the fact that moo moo milk = gooooood.

5. After drinking said milk we read a story (about diggers obviously), we drew the curtains and Kai lay down in his cot and went to sleep. Just like that. That is the first nap time without tears in about a fortnight.

6. While Kai was asleep I made two cups of tea. I’m not sure who the other one was for but I drank them both. With biscuits. I may make two cups more often.

7. The powers-that-be have decided to dig up a car park in the town centre. That means DIGGERS people. Diggers for probably all this week. This afternoon Kai spent 20 ecstatic minutes watching those diggers, who happened to be driven by friendly digger men who were happy to flash their lights and spin the diggers round and drop things from high up to make a better crash all for my rapt little boy. We will be back.

8. Instead of screaming all the way home, Kai sang. Loudly. It made everyone we walked past smile – not frown and look alarmed at the thrashing hysterical toddler that has been the norm for the last week or two.

9. We got back and Kai SAT. And gave me kisses, and giggled at me talking to him in a funny voice, and played with his cars beautifully till his Dad got home. I remembered how much I love him and decided I might not run way to New Zealand after all.

10. Bed time went without a whimper. Kai chose his fire engine book, we sniggered at the instruction to “feel the Fireman’s hard helmet”, and then we said “Night Night” and he lay down and went to sleep. Again.

Thank you Universe. Now why can’t everyday be like this??!

It’s time for… The Sleep Deprivation Carnival 2009!

Posted by Josie on Sep 28, 2009 in Uncategorized | 2 comments

Roll up roll up!

It’s finally here, The Sleep Deprivation Carnival 2009!

Come see the best of the best’s take on the Sleep Deprivation of parenthood. See the incredible whispering squatting woman, the Health Visitor defying rebel, the gymnastic Houdini toddler and the Naughty Sleep Gnome. We’ve got tears, we’ve got desperation, we’ve got the inevitable vomit. And we’ve even got a few rare scenes of nighttime bliss – just to prove it can happen!

Your entrance fee is one subscription to my feed (that is, if you enjoy my blog which I hope you do) and blatant over- the-top-promotion of this carnival on the social networking site of your choice.

I’ll be along shortly with snacks and hot chocolate…

But in the meantime if you’d like to make your way here and I’ll be right with you…

Come on in…!

And when you’ve finished reading don’t forget to check out the freak show, erm… I mean…

The Sleep Deprivation Gallery

Guaranteed to cause a giggle – there’s some real corkers…

Thank you so much to everyone that contributed. I really hope that this carnival will stand as a testament to all the world’s sleep deprived parents for a long time to come. When I can get organised I’ll provide a permanent link to it on the blog’s main page for to access anytime – I really hope you’ll make use of this fantastic resource.

The Sleep Deprivation Carnival 2009!

Posted by Josie on Sep 20, 2009 in Blogging, Kai, Parenting | 52 comments

Hello all!

I’ve got something a bit special planned for you this week – Sleep is for the Weak’s very first Sleep Deprivation Carnival 2009!

Now doesn’t that sound fun? And not at all weird and depressing?!

As most of you know, sleep is an especially big problem in our house. Kai has never slept well, rarely managing more than a couple of hours unbroken sleep at a stretch until recently, and having immense difficulty both falling and staying asleep, with a horrendously out-of-wack body clock that still often thinks that 4.30am is a very good time to wake up and start jumping up and down and screeching like a frickin banshee.

It’s been an especially tough couple of weeks for one reason or another (as you’ve probably noticed from all my “I’m tired!” tweets! – sorry about that, very dull I know) and I thought what better way to put the ‘fun’ back in ‘barely functional’ than to host my very own carnival.

I know I’m not the only one for whom sleep is a difficult issue. Like it or not, sleep deprivation is a real experience for most parents with a new baby and effects everyone to a greater and lesser degree. If you’re lucky, it will only be an issue for perhaps the first few weeks, but for more many of us, severely disrupted or lost sleep can be a major problem for many months (or even…dare I say it…YEARS! *gulp*).

In the middle of those long nights and exhausted, bleary-eyed days, sometimes a sense of humour and the solidarity and support of my fellow parenting peeps (and chocolate and twitter of course) are the only things that gets me through. So I thought it would therapeutic and a bit of fun to invite you all to share your sleep deprivation stories.

You could write about:

The worst night’s sleep you every had
Something stupid you did while seriously sleep deprived
The sleep problems you may be experiencing with your child at the moment (you never know, people may have some tips for you)
How lack of sleep has effected your day-to-day life
Your best sleep deprivation survival tips or no-sleep remedies

Or even better

How you survived sleep deprivation and came out the other side and now have babes that sleep like angels -giving us poor parents still in the thick of things the hope that THIS WILL PASS!!

Write your post (or use an old one) and either post a link in the comments section below or email me using the contact button on your right. Next week I’ll post a review of all your submitted stories for us all to share in.

Feel free to use the badge at the top of this post and link back to me if you like, or just to make it extra easy for you here’s a HTML code that will insert the image directly into your blog with no uploading required (cause I’m nice and super clever like that):

Joining me from Twitter or Facebook and haven’t got a blog? You can still take part! Just write and submit your entry via email and I’ll be sure to include them in the round up next week.

As an extra bit of fun I am also inviting you all to submit photos of yourselves looking seriously sleep deprived.

Tired Mark

Here’s one of my very brave friend Mark to start us off who is busy looking after his very elderly grandpa (which I think counts as parenting in any one’s book)…

Tired Ant

Again, email me your pics and I’ll display them in a rogue’s gallery next week. My lovely husband Ant and fellow sleep-deprivation partner will pick his favourite who will then be awarded a random sleep-themed not at all crap fabulous prize. And just to prove to you that Ant has suffered with the best of them, here’s one of him to add to the mix…

Enjoy and good luck! The deadline for submissions is midnight next Sunday 27th September so don’t miss out!

P.S. If you fancy giving this venture a plug via the share buttons below that would be just FAB and I will love you forever.

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