Posts Tagged "Neurotic Mummy Moment"
Mood Swings
I’m a bit up and down at the moment. I’m not sure why.
Some of it is just me I think. I’ve always blown a bit hot and cold and never been very good at concealing my emotions. If I’m happy you could probably solve the world’s energy crisis by running a power lead off my manic energy. But if I’m upset, or pissed off? Man alive, are you going to know about it. The Hadron Collider holds nothing like my potential for causing an accidental Universal Apocalypse. Most days I like this, it makes life more interesting. It makes ME more interesting.
But lately I seem to have been even more temperamental, with the emphasis on mental that is. And what’s frustrating me is that my ‘ups’ are being far overshadowed by my ‘downs’, with the down days triggered by more and more meaningless, pathetic incidents. An unkind word, perhaps not even meant for me but taken that way, can leave me wallowing for hours. I am more and more easily hurt, offended, sensitive and buffeted by the energy and comments of other people.
Is it the no sleep thing? Is the months of sleep deprivation finally making a dent in my mental health? Things are better, yes, but one good night is offset by about ten bad and I’m still managing on about 4-5 hours a night, 6-7 on a really good night.
Or is it the writing? More and more I’m finding I need to open myself emotionally, not only to find the right words to express what I’m trying to say, but to help me perceive the world in a way that is interesting, evocative and engaging. And by ‘opening’ myself to that process I fall in love with it, care about it, obsess about it in a way I’m not sure is always healthy and leaves me vulnerable to feeling deflated and low in confidence.
Or is it, (and I hate this excuse but it’s a valid one), hormones. Kai is breastfeeding less, my prolactin levels have probably dropped through the floor, and other hormones seem to be reinstating their influence as evidenced by the visit of an old friend this week who has been absent since I fell pregnant (yes, that was a euphemism, to spare my male readers some embarrassment).
What ever it is, I don’t like it. I feel out of balance and out of control.
Would love to hear if anyone else struggles with this problem (although you men folk are excused from the last point). How do you balance yourself emotionally? What keeps you feeling sane?
Read MoreScrew you structured play and learning stuff! I’m doing just fine…
Do you know the most wonderful thing about blogging? (’cause blogging’s a wonderful thing…)
It is the fact that yesterday I can post one of my usual ‘worrying I’m not doing enough‘ posts and in 24 hours can receive back an overwhelming number of comments of solidarity, reassurance, encouragement and affirmation, and at a time when I most need to hear it too. I’m said it before and I’ll say it again. You guys are AMAZING.
Turns out all of you could relate, or remember feeling the same when your kids were Kai’s ages, or thought I was talking the biggest pile of twaddle you have ever read and kindly left me advice to show me the error of my ways. I felt so much better by all your fantastic advice that I actually went on last night and amended my post, which I’m reproducing here so you can see it:
Amendment:
I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.
So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.
Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.
Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.
And because the comments are THAT GOOD! and because so many of you seem to secretly feel the same, people like Emma, Sharni, Andrea, Theresa, Dotty, Solveig, I am going to reproduce some of them here: to stand as a testament against insanely irritating structured play and that feeling that you’re failing because you’re not very good at it. Here we go… (it’s also a good way of introducing you to some of my lovely readers!)
Kat from Slugs on the Refridgerator tells me:
“In my personal view, kids do not need to be entertained all the time, in fact they should not be. I don’t know where on earth society came up with the stupid idea that SAHM need to educationally stimulate their kids all the time (though my bet would be on Toys R Us). For the vast majority of human history, kids were just along for the ride. They helped adults do their work or played happily alongside. Kids these days (and parents) have much too high expectations about cramming all this learning and activity into a day, when in fact children’s job is just to play… As for learning, children will learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it.”
Brits in Bosnia said:
“I have a theory that lots of children are over stimulated today anyway; too much time doing structured play with adults and not enough time developing their own abilities to create their own worlds and games. Children need to be bored sometimes as they need to learn how they can entertain themselves and develop their own imaginations.”
The Madhouse (who is probably QUEEN of creative activities in my book!) suggests that:
“…they learn by copying and watching. We have never had structured play at all. It always amazes me when people ask if I taught the boys their numbers and things, no way. I just have fun with them.”
Victoria from It’s a Small World After All is my idol for dreaming up exciting trips with her children so I was very reassured to have her tell me:
“They need to learn to entertain themselves… I’ve always called it benign neglect. I play with my children a bit, but I also expect them to get on with it by themselves. My eldest has the most incredible imagination. And it’s not just me being a proud parent, her teachers always comment on it. I’m sure it’s to do with making up her own games and I feel like it’s something I’ve done really right (unlike most of the things I feel like I’ve done wrong). It’s a gift that will hopefully stand her in good stead. Personally, I’d far rather they were able to turn a bunk bed into a pirate ship than most other things.
And as for ‘teaching’ them their colours, numbers etc, I can tell you that after 3 children, the effort you put into these things in no way reflect the outcome. I spent ages trying to teach the eldest colours etc and she learnt them at exactly the same age as the middle one, who I didn’t bother teaching them to….”
Muddling Along Mummy wisely points out:
“…giving them space to explore and develop on their own is a great gift – better that than being one of those horrid helicopter mums who interfere continually in their child’s life”
Amber, who I admire enormously as a FAB mum admits:
“You know what? I take every little bit of independent play that my kids will give me. It’s actually very enriching for them to go and do their own thing, in their own way. They don’t really need us to give them structure to their play, or make sure they’re reaching their optimal potential, or anything. They can mostly figure it out for themselves.”
And my very lovely friend Mwa (who is always right about everything) popped on late last night to tell me:
“You are fine. And structured play is completely unnecessary. As long as you interact with each other, and do things together, he will be fine. I think in fact that it’s unnatural to have all this structured play with an adult. If it doesn’t feel right, there’s probably some evolutionary reason… Don’t try to do what you’re bad at all the time. Just do what you love and are good at. I’m sure you’ll end up teaching him plenty.
Oh, and while I’m hijacking your blog anyway, I just read that structured learning before about age six is not only unnecessary, it may actually do more harm than good. Just trust Kai’s learning instincts. He will get there his own way, whatever you do.”
So there you go. I am officially LETTING THIS ONE GO! I am doing fine. I may not always have the patience or the energy for lots of structured play and formal learning, but I am NEVER too busy or too tired for a cuddle or a giggle or a game of hide and seek when Kai wants them.
I am also off now to order the book The Idle Parent that some of you recommended, to read whenever I feel under pressure to get the flash cards out.
Thanks again folks. And thanks to Linda, Kelly, Leah, Eileen, Nicola, Weston-Super-Mum, Spiragirl, Heather, Tasha, Erica, Emily, Kathryn, and Kath for al your equally wonderful comments.
Right, I’ve ignored Kai long enough (he’s been busy playing cars and HAVING FUN!… of course) – we’re off to pull some things off supermarket shelves.
Read MoreSo…emm… what am I supposed to be doing again?
It’s confession time here at SIFTW. Because I have a guilty secret to share…
I am a rubbish stay-at-home-mum.
This is not me saying that I’m a dreadful mother or anything (well, not VERY dreadful), it’s just that I don’t think this whole SAHM thing particularly suits me. Turns out I’m really not very good at it.
I was ok when Kai was tiny – being a mum then was mostly about keeping him alive and preventing him from drowning in the accumulated pile of his own vomit and poo. Simples. You put milk and food in one end, you clean up the other end, you sing lots of silly songs and pull funny faces and spend long hours just cuddling and cooing gobbledegook at each other. It was exhausting, but there was only a limited amount of potential for screwing up. It was kinda dull but it was a simpler, less complicated time.
These days? Man alive, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Because these days I have a little person to look after. Who toddles and climbs and chatters earnestly and nonsensically during every waking moment. Who loves Matchbox cars and Thomas the Tank Engine (possibly more than he loves me), and does NOT like broccoli or soup or being asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.
This is a little person that copies, that is learning and changing at a rate of knots, and that has potential bursting out of orifice.
It is exciting and interesting and Kai seems to get more and more fricking adorable by the hour. But it scares the crap out of me.
Suddenly the potential for screwing up now seems lots, lots bigger. I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to DO with this little fierce ball of independent motion.
Am I supposed to be teaching him stuff??
Because here’s the other half of the confession and reason I’m a rubbish SAHM…
I’m not very good at playing.
I’m VERY good a cuddling, and tipping upside down, and playing hide-and-seek, and making Kai laugh until he cries and doing stories with silly voices, and helping him to get covered in food, and romping about in the sunshine, and eating cake together.
I am RUBBISH at structured play.
And the worst thing?
It bores me. Dreadfully.
I thought I would be great at playing. That I would have infinite energy AND WILLINGNESS to invest in making up exciting and educational games for Kai to partake in. But after 10 minutes of block building and car racing and colouring in I’m getting antsy. My lack of enthusiasm after a while must show as Kai usually quickly shuns me and my attention in favour of independent play, embarking on his complicated games of hiding cars under the sofa or trying to post things through the letter box. And I, relived, skulk off back to whatever project I have waiting for me and that I am currently obsessing over.
I do DO stuff with him. We go to at least one playgroup a week, meet up with friends, take lots of walks and trips to the park. We go to the Library (toy and regular) and the sensory room, and sometimes swimming if I can summon up the energy.
But at home? At home I suck.
And it worries me. Should I be doing more? Kai doesn’t know his colours and seems to think all animals go “mooo” or “woof” regardless of what they are. He gets confused between his knees and ears (although gets ‘willy’ right every time – go figure). He barely says any proper words at all.
I worry that that his education now in this kind of thing is down to me and that I am failing him. I feel like I should be taking more responsibility for his learning. I wonder whether he’d be better off at nursery but then hate the thought of it as I would miss him dreadfully.
Mostly I worry that I should WANT to do more ‘stuff’ with him, that I should be motivated and inspired to fill his days with learning and creativity and variation. That I should go to bed full of plans for what ‘enrichment activities’ I might do with Kai tomorrow and NOT my next writing project. That this SHOULD be enough for me.
The fact that it isn’t worries me most of all.
It is official. I am a SHIT stay-at-home-mum.
—————————————————————————
Amendment:
I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.
So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.
Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.
Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.
x
Read MoreWhat’s your angle?
Well this is all very exciting – my first post on my spangly new laptop! (yes, I know spangly isn’t a word but it should be and I’m a writer now so can make up new ones whenever I like…)
I NEVER get new toys so this is a bit of a treat. Me and the husband have been having a bit of an issue over laptop usage – since most of my evenings are now spent doing one bit of writing or another, the poor love doesn’t get a look in, looking at movie geek sites or whatever the hell it is he does (most likely playing Football Manager – ahem. Did I mention he was 31 in a couple of weeks?) . Despite the fact that he’s been his usual exceedingly patient and understanding self and not uttered one word of a moan about me forever tap tapping away, it does seem a bit unfair. So when I got some grant money through from the OU we decided to get me a ‘work’ laptop. Partly as a kind of investment in this writing adventure I think. I kind of ’I can do it (because I have a spangly new laptop)’ self-belief present.
In fact, in honour of my new self-belief ‘I can do it’ laptop I am going to make a promise…
I am going to write my first book on this baby. Oh yes I am.
I have no idea what about yet, but that’s a minor point…
Anyway. That’s not what this post is about. Well, it’s kind of what the post is about but only in a very long winded god-are-you-ever-going-to-get-to-the-point kind of way.
I shall get to the point.
The other day sweetie pie Karin at Cafe Bebe wrote about having a blogging confidence crisis – wondering why she was blogging, what did it all mean, whether it was it worth it, worrying that she wasn’t popular, and so on. Now, I think we’ve all been there. In fact, those that know me will know it’s a regular occurrence for me (having had to be dissuaded from deleting half my blog posts just the other day). Blogger’s Wobble is soon going to have to recognised as a certifiable mental affliction amongst the blogging community.
Obviously we all (recognising the symptoms) jumped to Karin’s reassurance that she was doing just fine, to forget the stats and get back to blogging basics – doing it cause you love and it and have something to say.
But some of the (very helpful) comments got me thinking. They echoed what I have heard said time after time about blogging – the importance of voice. Of having a unique personality and selling point for your blog, that ultimately THAT is what makes a blog successful and stand out from it’s ‘competitors’ (and I use that word loosely as that’s SO not what blogging should be about).
Now generally I do OK at keeping the Blogger’s Wobble at bay. I don’t spend TOO much time thinking about stats and ratings, only occasionally stressing over silly things like why I haven’t got many subscribers when I get lots of hits (*sob*). Mostly I’m just so in love with the whole thing that I don’t really stop to think about it.
But this thing about voice, that really struck a cord. You see, the ‘popularity’ thing I can let go, but I do really, really want to stand out from the crowd in terms of most definitely not being ‘just another mummy blog’ and instead having something different and interesting to say. And what I love is that I think I’m finding mine. It’s taken a while to evolve but I’m beginning to get the sense that this blog has a ‘something’ that is mine and unique to me.
So. Here’s my angle.
I am a mummy. I am an aspiring writer. I find motherhood hard and I am honest about that. I blog because I love to connect and to write and play with words and thoughts and ideas.
What’s your angle? Or what would you like it to be?
Or if you don’t know, maybe you should think about it? WHY do you blog? What do you hope to achieve?
I’d really love to know x
Read More
