Posts Tagged "humour"
Day Off
Can I not be a mum today?
I fear it’s not my calling.
The hours are crap for starters
And the job description’s boring.
I’d rather be an astronaut.
At least it’s quiet up there.
My wobbly bits would suit no-grav,
Suspended in the air.
Or I could try out espionage.
I’d be great at fearless guile:
“Yes sweetheart this is REALLY fun!”
I’d lie through sugared smile.
I could train wild animals,
Poo wouldn’t make me queasy.
I’ve braved a toddler cutting canines
So a lion would be easy.
I hear Human Research pays well,
Volunteering’s all the rage.
And you get to lie down everyday
In an aesthetic haze.
Even prison inmate
Seems more attractive by the hour.
At least I’d get my meals served
And time to take a shower.
Can I not be a mum today?
One day, that’s all I ask!
I promise then I won’t resent
My normal humdrum tasks.
One day of something different
To be adventurous, inspiring.
After all, I’m over qualified:
Is anybody hiring?!
On giant toddlers, bum cracks and a whole lot of Pooh
It is official.
My son is some kind of giant child.
At not quite 17 months old he is now growing OUT of his 18-24 month clothes. Kai’s freakishly long body are giving his vests a rather slovingly off the shoulder look and revealing about three inches of bare chest which is probably not ideal in December. And although we’re still rolling up trouser legs, Kai’s enormous Buddha belly is putting serious strain on his waist line. And this is AFTER he’s slimmed down quite substantially since learning to walk.
This is not good news. I was hoping our huge bin bag of nearly-new clothes from the last NCT sale (in which I showed SPECTACULAR elbowing and bagsying skill) would get us right the way through winter. But no, Mr-Growth-Spurt has gone and bloody grew. So inconsiderate.
I have to admit though, I kinda love his little bod at the moment. He’s got all lanky, his legs have lost some of their chubbiness and gone all knobby and long. It’s not a baby body any more, it’s a toddler body, complete with requisite bruises, scrapes and bumps.
His toddler body matches his new toddler moves. He’s walking confidently now, even working up to a little tottering run. He still has a tendency to fall over and charge head first into door frames (hence bruises) but his body confidence is growing, as is his stamina and his desire to walk further and further. He’s learnt how to stamp his feet, which has resulted in some interesting new dance moves, and has perfected the adorable toddler squat as he plays his complicated car games, lining them and pushing them round, or two stop in the street and pick up whatever interesting twig or leaf has caught his eye. I could watch him all day. I really could.
One other change resulting from all the growing and moving around has been his nappies. A month or two back I finally had to pack Kai’s cloth nappies away, given that they were now revealing about an inch of bum-crack, cutting into his chunky legs, and having to be ridiculously padded out to cope with the shear volume of toddler wee.
It was a sad day. I shall miss his big bottom look and pegging them out on the line (I defy anyone to tell me a sight more beautiful and satisfying that clean nappies drying in the sunshine). They’ve now been washed (you’ll be glad to know) and packed away ready for the bambino #2 when we decide we’re brave enough to start this crazy journey all over again.
So, Kai’s in disposables full time. And I have to say, I kind of love them!! Scraping sticky excrement of cloth is something I don’t miss in the slightest, and given the potency of Kai’s poos these days it allows you to work fast: remove, contain, get it as far the hell away from you. Aceamundo. Yes I still get the little twinge of guilt when the (biodegradable) plastic bag goes in the wheelie bin, but I figure 15 month of clothy goodness is more than most manage, so I’m not going to beat myself up too much.
Anyway. I’m waffling.
In keeping with my new (guilty) love of Kai’s disposable-clad bee-hind, Sleep is for the Weak is taking part in a little Treasure Hunt run by the Huggies’ blog Enjoy the Ride. For the first 14 days of December they’re posting a clue to lead you to a parenting website or blog. Solve the clue and find Winnie the Pooh’s honeypot and you get given the chance to win one of 7000 prizes from free samples to a family break at Disneyland Paris.
Check out the Discovery Hunt webpage to find out how to play. All the clues so far are up for you to solve, with a new one everyday, and if you play along you may just find yourself back here in a day or two…
Read MoreHave YOU seen Advent Rabbit?
Afternoon.
So Kai is ill, it is cold and I find myself stuck inside with too much time on my hands – the kind of time where I can’t really get anything of real use done that requires any real concentration because I have a boy attached to my lap, but still the kind of time that needs filling, and oooh look my laptop balances just nicely on the arm of the sofa here so I can faff about on the internet and stroke his head at the same time.
Seems like most of us with a child are battling lurgies right now, tis the season and all that. And we’re all feeling a bit bleugh at the weather and the fact we’re all broke and our advent calendars taste like crap.
But never fear dear reader. For I, queen of creative procrastination have come to your rescue to bring you some light in the dark days ahead to keep you going till Chrimbotide.
Those of you that follow me on Twitter will know that I have been serialising the contents of Kai’s advent calendar into a sort of advent mini-drama. If any of you ever watched Sunset Beach (which is quite possible the greatest TV show in the history of LIFE), you’ll find it’s a bit like that only with more disproportionately sized plastic animals (compared to disproportionately sized plastic boobs and botox) and less smouldering but with just as much sex, death and evil twin action.
In any case it seems to have gone down rather well so for the rest of advent I will be bringing you the adventures of “Have YOU seen Advent Rabbit” via the magic of this magical blog.
Come see.
Read MoreBah Humbug – A Christmas Rant
Gah what is it with all you people and your determination to make Christmas last as long as possible?!
Not only have I had to suffer Christmas hitting our high street before Halloween this year, now December 1st has rolled round I’m suddenly met with endless accounts of people with their tree up, presents bought and wrapped, and Christmas cards written.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. But I just start to think about it on the 1st, using the whole advent period to gently warm up to the idea. I put up Kai’s advent calendar last night and got my first little Christmas tingle filling it with various disproportionately sized plastic animals for him to find each day. By the weekend I might just start thinking about doing some Christmas shopping. In another couple of week’s we’ll put the tree up and try a think of a way that we can ensure it survives three weeks of toddler attention. I probably won’t even eat a mince pie for at least another fortnight. This way my excitement builds slowly up to an uncontrollable hysteria on Christmas Eve (where my brother will come and we will play board games and eat our body weight in buffet food), a night lying awake wondering if that sound I just heard really was Santa, not daring to move and thinking that all those unbelievers are going to feel such eejits when they don’t get a Canon SLR under their tree, and then be up at the crack of dawn for a few days of festivities and more food and mulled wine than should probably be legal.
If I started with it all too soon, my excitement would have peaked and waned by the time we gotten half way through advent and I’d be bored and disinterested with the whole thing by the time the big day rolled round. Now fair enough if you personally have the energy to maintain your Christmas Spirit for endless weeks at a time, I just don’t have it in me.
And, for me, having Christmas last a whole month, or even longer, kind of throws out my whole rhythm for the year. Christmas is a specific day, or a few days at most, which is proceeded by ADVENT. Which, if you’re of the non-religious persuasion as I am, means a time of getting ready. If you’ve already got ready then what the frick is the point? You’ve lost all the build-up, all the magic – all you’ve got to look forward to is three weeks of novelty chocolates which I swear are made up of the ground up cardboard of last year’s advent calendars.
*sigh*
I’ll stop ranting now. I don’t mean to wee on your Yule log or anything like that.
I’m just saying, let’s all calm down a bit shall we. We’ve got 24 days people, let’s enjoy them.
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