Posts Tagged "Daily Life"
What Josie Did
So… yesterday…
Actually, no. Back track. To last Sunday. When I finally managed to swallow a huge elephant sized chunk of pride and asked my Mother-in-Law whether she would like to have Kai over to play for a few hours every Friday afternoon. Kai adores her, they have a dog called “DEEEE” (Eddie in Kai-speak) and a back room full of toys. It was always going to be a win-win situation. I’m just not very good at asking for help… but… I did! And it felt good! (once the huge chunk of pride had worked it’s way past my windpipe anyway).
We can scoot forward again now. It’s Friday afternoon, I have waved Kai off happily sat in the back of Grandma’s car clutching his digger in one hand and a police car in the other and grinning like loon.
I have four hours. Four whole childless, peaceful hours.
What on earth do I do?!
Well for starters I have made a deal with myself that these four hours each week are NOT going to be spent doing housework. Absolutely not. I also made a deal with myself that these four hours would be spent outside, or, at least out the house.
So I packed up Clive and my notebook and my many pens and I put some gloves and a hat on and I went out. ALONE.
It was so weird. I did crazy things. I crossed the road when the red man was still showing. I carried a bag that did not contain a nappy, wipes, three toy cars or emergency raisins. I walked past people thinking “they don’t know I’m a mummy! I could be ANYONE!” and tried to look mysterious and alluring.
I bought a cheese sandwich and I sat on a bench in the middle of town with my legs on the arm and I wrote until I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore.
And then I sat in Starbucks and ate the cream off my grande hot chocolate with a spoon and wrote some more. And then I went to MacDonalds and stole their free Wi-fi while rebelliously not ordering ANYTHING but setting up camp next to a rubbish covered tray in a genius undercover stake-out maneauve.
And then I went home.
It was glorious.
And I learnt the following things:
1. I absolutely, unconditionally, obsessively love PEOPLE. Not to the point where I actually want to talk to them, but just to watch them all go about their busy little lives, overhearing snippets of conversation, noticing their funny little gestures and weird clothing choices. I am addicted to them and their randomness. I could sit and watch them all fricking day. Or all afternoon anyway. I am not sure how writers ever run out of things to write about when there are six and half billion of the wonderful weirdos to write about.
2. The prices for WiFi in Starbucks are criminal. I’ve just paid nearly £3 for a drink you evil multi-national corporation. How dare you try and charge me over a fiver for 90 effing minutes. Humph.
3. Clive is heavy.He could do with loosing a few pounds.
4. I can both miss Kai and be very grateful for his temporary absence at the same time.
5. Sometimes I really, really like not having to talk to anyone for a few hours. To not say a single word. It means I can hear the words in my head a bit easier. And that makes it easier to write them down.
6. I love Freedom Friday
Thanks Wendy x
P.S. Today, on my wanderings across the interwebs, I completely ‘accidentally’ happened across a rather cool and extremely interesting and brilliant blog. You should probably check it out… you know, if you like… Dunno who she is. But she seems pretty ace. Whoever she is…
Read MoreScrew you structured play and learning stuff! I’m doing just fine…
Do you know the most wonderful thing about blogging? (’cause blogging’s a wonderful thing…)
It is the fact that yesterday I can post one of my usual ‘worrying I’m not doing enough‘ posts and in 24 hours can receive back an overwhelming number of comments of solidarity, reassurance, encouragement and affirmation, and at a time when I most need to hear it too. I’m said it before and I’ll say it again. You guys are AMAZING.
Turns out all of you could relate, or remember feeling the same when your kids were Kai’s ages, or thought I was talking the biggest pile of twaddle you have ever read and kindly left me advice to show me the error of my ways. I felt so much better by all your fantastic advice that I actually went on last night and amended my post, which I’m reproducing here so you can see it:
Amendment:
I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.
So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.
Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.
Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.
And because the comments are THAT GOOD! and because so many of you seem to secretly feel the same, people like Emma, Sharni, Andrea, Theresa, Dotty, Solveig, I am going to reproduce some of them here: to stand as a testament against insanely irritating structured play and that feeling that you’re failing because you’re not very good at it. Here we go… (it’s also a good way of introducing you to some of my lovely readers!)
Kat from Slugs on the Refridgerator tells me:
“In my personal view, kids do not need to be entertained all the time, in fact they should not be. I don’t know where on earth society came up with the stupid idea that SAHM need to educationally stimulate their kids all the time (though my bet would be on Toys R Us). For the vast majority of human history, kids were just along for the ride. They helped adults do their work or played happily alongside. Kids these days (and parents) have much too high expectations about cramming all this learning and activity into a day, when in fact children’s job is just to play… As for learning, children will learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it.”
Brits in Bosnia said:
“I have a theory that lots of children are over stimulated today anyway; too much time doing structured play with adults and not enough time developing their own abilities to create their own worlds and games. Children need to be bored sometimes as they need to learn how they can entertain themselves and develop their own imaginations.”
The Madhouse (who is probably QUEEN of creative activities in my book!) suggests that:
“…they learn by copying and watching. We have never had structured play at all. It always amazes me when people ask if I taught the boys their numbers and things, no way. I just have fun with them.”
Victoria from It’s a Small World After All is my idol for dreaming up exciting trips with her children so I was very reassured to have her tell me:
“They need to learn to entertain themselves… I’ve always called it benign neglect. I play with my children a bit, but I also expect them to get on with it by themselves. My eldest has the most incredible imagination. And it’s not just me being a proud parent, her teachers always comment on it. I’m sure it’s to do with making up her own games and I feel like it’s something I’ve done really right (unlike most of the things I feel like I’ve done wrong). It’s a gift that will hopefully stand her in good stead. Personally, I’d far rather they were able to turn a bunk bed into a pirate ship than most other things.
And as for ‘teaching’ them their colours, numbers etc, I can tell you that after 3 children, the effort you put into these things in no way reflect the outcome. I spent ages trying to teach the eldest colours etc and she learnt them at exactly the same age as the middle one, who I didn’t bother teaching them to….”
Muddling Along Mummy wisely points out:
“…giving them space to explore and develop on their own is a great gift – better that than being one of those horrid helicopter mums who interfere continually in their child’s life”
Amber, who I admire enormously as a FAB mum admits:
“You know what? I take every little bit of independent play that my kids will give me. It’s actually very enriching for them to go and do their own thing, in their own way. They don’t really need us to give them structure to their play, or make sure they’re reaching their optimal potential, or anything. They can mostly figure it out for themselves.”
And my very lovely friend Mwa (who is always right about everything) popped on late last night to tell me:
“You are fine. And structured play is completely unnecessary. As long as you interact with each other, and do things together, he will be fine. I think in fact that it’s unnatural to have all this structured play with an adult. If it doesn’t feel right, there’s probably some evolutionary reason… Don’t try to do what you’re bad at all the time. Just do what you love and are good at. I’m sure you’ll end up teaching him plenty.
Oh, and while I’m hijacking your blog anyway, I just read that structured learning before about age six is not only unnecessary, it may actually do more harm than good. Just trust Kai’s learning instincts. He will get there his own way, whatever you do.”
So there you go. I am officially LETTING THIS ONE GO! I am doing fine. I may not always have the patience or the energy for lots of structured play and formal learning, but I am NEVER too busy or too tired for a cuddle or a giggle or a game of hide and seek when Kai wants them.
I am also off now to order the book The Idle Parent that some of you recommended, to read whenever I feel under pressure to get the flash cards out.
Thanks again folks. And thanks to Linda, Kelly, Leah, Eileen, Nicola, Weston-Super-Mum, Spiragirl, Heather, Tasha, Erica, Emily, Kathryn, and Kath for al your equally wonderful comments.
Right, I’ve ignored Kai long enough (he’s been busy playing cars and HAVING FUN!… of course) – we’re off to pull some things off supermarket shelves.
Read MoreSo…emm… what am I supposed to be doing again?
It’s confession time here at SIFTW. Because I have a guilty secret to share…
I am a rubbish stay-at-home-mum.
This is not me saying that I’m a dreadful mother or anything (well, not VERY dreadful), it’s just that I don’t think this whole SAHM thing particularly suits me. Turns out I’m really not very good at it.
I was ok when Kai was tiny – being a mum then was mostly about keeping him alive and preventing him from drowning in the accumulated pile of his own vomit and poo. Simples. You put milk and food in one end, you clean up the other end, you sing lots of silly songs and pull funny faces and spend long hours just cuddling and cooing gobbledegook at each other. It was exhausting, but there was only a limited amount of potential for screwing up. It was kinda dull but it was a simpler, less complicated time.
These days? Man alive, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Because these days I have a little person to look after. Who toddles and climbs and chatters earnestly and nonsensically during every waking moment. Who loves Matchbox cars and Thomas the Tank Engine (possibly more than he loves me), and does NOT like broccoli or soup or being asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.
This is a little person that copies, that is learning and changing at a rate of knots, and that has potential bursting out of orifice.
It is exciting and interesting and Kai seems to get more and more fricking adorable by the hour. But it scares the crap out of me.
Suddenly the potential for screwing up now seems lots, lots bigger. I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to DO with this little fierce ball of independent motion.
Am I supposed to be teaching him stuff??
Because here’s the other half of the confession and reason I’m a rubbish SAHM…
I’m not very good at playing.
I’m VERY good a cuddling, and tipping upside down, and playing hide-and-seek, and making Kai laugh until he cries and doing stories with silly voices, and helping him to get covered in food, and romping about in the sunshine, and eating cake together.
I am RUBBISH at structured play.
And the worst thing?
It bores me. Dreadfully.
I thought I would be great at playing. That I would have infinite energy AND WILLINGNESS to invest in making up exciting and educational games for Kai to partake in. But after 10 minutes of block building and car racing and colouring in I’m getting antsy. My lack of enthusiasm after a while must show as Kai usually quickly shuns me and my attention in favour of independent play, embarking on his complicated games of hiding cars under the sofa or trying to post things through the letter box. And I, relived, skulk off back to whatever project I have waiting for me and that I am currently obsessing over.
I do DO stuff with him. We go to at least one playgroup a week, meet up with friends, take lots of walks and trips to the park. We go to the Library (toy and regular) and the sensory room, and sometimes swimming if I can summon up the energy.
But at home? At home I suck.
And it worries me. Should I be doing more? Kai doesn’t know his colours and seems to think all animals go “mooo” or “woof” regardless of what they are. He gets confused between his knees and ears (although gets ‘willy’ right every time – go figure). He barely says any proper words at all.
I worry that that his education now in this kind of thing is down to me and that I am failing him. I feel like I should be taking more responsibility for his learning. I wonder whether he’d be better off at nursery but then hate the thought of it as I would miss him dreadfully.
Mostly I worry that I should WANT to do more ‘stuff’ with him, that I should be motivated and inspired to fill his days with learning and creativity and variation. That I should go to bed full of plans for what ‘enrichment activities’ I might do with Kai tomorrow and NOT my next writing project. That this SHOULD be enough for me.
The fact that it isn’t worries me most of all.
It is official. I am a SHIT stay-at-home-mum.
—————————————————————————
Amendment:
I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.
So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.
Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.
Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.
x
Read MoreFatigue Wars Episode IV – A New Hope
First of all, can I just say… how lovely are all you lot??! The answer is VERY lovely. Very lovely indeed. Thank you so much for all the comments on my last blog post and the many emails and twitterings you have sent my way.
I’m back from the doctors minus two great big vial’s full of blood with that wonderful Tony Hancock sketch running through my head. And since all nine of my pints have been seriously compromised this morning by at least a foot’s worth I am having a sit and a bacon sandwich to make up for it.
I’m feeling much more positive. The doctor rightly pointed out that, given my history, if my Fibromyalgia was relapsing she would expect my pain levels to have increased along with the fatigue and for me to have crawled into her office begging for drugs. And this is a good point as, actually, my pain levels are ok. I did a lot of walking around yesterday and although nearly fell over a couple of times and had to prop my eyelids open so as not to fall asleep in my over-priced under-heated microwave burger at the Blue Planet Aquarium, I did make to the evening without much pain. More importantly I didn’t wake up with ANY which if it had been the Fibro would have been very far from the case, given it’s tendency to make a 20 minute leisurely stroll one day feel like you’ve been run over by an 18 wheeler truck the next.
So we’re testing for low iron and thyroid function and liver function and WI Christmas Tombola and Beatle Drive function all the other usual functions they need to test for in these cases. Results will be back on Tuesday so I’ll keep you posted.
And I am stopping panicking. Chances are this is fixable, just a blip on the radar of my unstoppable plan to write a best seller by the time I’m 30, or, at least, be the first person to achieve world domination through the power of Twitter.
In other news, I made a big decision this week. It is probably not beyond the realms of possibility that my low energy levels are not being helped by the fact that a certain little 16 month old has still been breastfeeding up to 7 or 8 times a day, day and night. Lets face it, he does NOT need this much milk any more, whatever his opinions are on the matter. He eats well and is a big grown up boy now who could probably make pigeon chasing into a successful athletic career, can do all the actions to ’round and round the garden’ AND ‘wind the bobbin up’, and could show you the difference between a train, a tractor, a digger and a car without even blinking. His separation anxiety is significantly better; time away from me now being more treat than trauma. His independence and self-confidence is growing more and more by the day.
It is time. I am ready. Weaning Kai off the good stuff has begun.
I’m not expecting him to stop feeding completely but I am expecting him to substantially cut down the amount he feeds to just 2-3 times in 24 hours And guess what… he’s done it. Nearly every day this week he’s gone from early morning to bedtime with lots of snacks, good meals, distraction and lots of cuddles, and NO distress. Which proves to me that he’s ready too, in a way I hadn’t expected. Kai now has a good breastfeed before bed, one in the night, and then one in the early hours (after which he’ll sometimes go back to sleep). My plan is that eventually we’ll drop the night-time one (when I’m feeling VERY brave and not so tired!) leaving two feeds a day, which is plenty for a boy his age and will still be giving him all the lovely nutrients and immunity boosting benefits that longer-term breastfeeding still offers.
That gives me ALL DAY for my body to do something other than make milk and get to work doing more important things like digesting large quantities of cake and stopping me from falling asleep at random and inappropriate moments.
And the best thing? I look forward to sitting and feeding Kai now. Rather than it be a draining chore that I resent (which is what it had become) with my mind wandering to what I would rather be doing, I sit and I am present and I enjoy the feel of him close to me and breathe in his baby smell and relish every second, re-connecting after a long day of adventures and growing up in which he seems to need me less and less.
I am so proud of him. And so proud of me too. This is a big step for us but the right one.
So there we go. Now, I’m off for a sleep. My bed right now is more alluring than blogging, than twitter, than eating biscuits, and that’s saying something – I must be really tired. I am tired, I’m exhausted in fact. But hopefully only temporarily. And thanks to all of your wonderful supportive words and positive encouragement I am NOT going to let it get me down, whatever this is.
Onwards and upwards. Or sideways and downwards as is more the case for me right now.
Whatever. BA-DOING!! (that was me bouncing back)
x
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