Posts Tagged "curriculum vitae"
Available to Hire
Description: One very hard working mum. Witty, occasionally delightful, unintimidating given that I look about 14, clean (mostly), polite with a very posh voice that I have no idea where I have picked up from.
Available for: Writing. On anything really. I’m not picky. Although ideally you would pay me to work on my (non-existant yet endlessly potential-filled) novel for a share of the (inevitably) huge profits.
I shall require: A large, airy office with a toaster and kettle, a fridge full of snacks, and a sofa for napping. The atmosphere should oxygen-rich to allow for clear thinking and any guilt/insecurity/general wobbles should be extracted and filtered, bottled and then slipped into the tea of rich and famous people I don’t like. I would have as little contact with human beings as feasibly possible, unless they are extremely interesting and not stupid, ignorant fools. There will be absolutely no team working or silly training days where I am required to go paint-balling or actually talk to people. Turning up to work in Pyjamas would be positively encouraged.
There will need to be fabulous childcare facilities, paid for obviously, which will allow for lots of independent and outdoor play and not mind kids getting messy, being ‘spirited’ or getting easily overwhelmed.
Working day: I will be available to work from 8.30am and then require an hour for blog reading/writing (my google reader is into triple figures), then will work until lunch time at which point I will require a catering service to proved me with something delicious. Afternoons will be spent with my boy in the sunshine, having adventures, and finding new and ingenious things to do with cardboard boxes and paint. This shall be deemed ‘research’ and suitably reimbursed.
I will then work an extra two hours at the end of the day while someone cleans my house, prepares tea, and wrangles an over-tired toddler until I am finished.
Salary: Six figures, naturally. Although right now I would settle for enough to give my family a nice Christmas and have a break some where sunny and quiet. Oh and some new boots.
Available to hire immediately.
Don’t all rush at once now…
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