blogging | Sleep is for the Weak

Portrait of an Insecure Blogger

Posted by Josie on Mar 17, 2010 in Me | 74 comments

She hits ‘publish’ and then the anxiety starts.

“Oh crap. It’s rubbish isn’t it. I’ve just written a whole great big pile of useless rubbish. No one will like it. No one will like me when they read it. It’s boring, what I’ve written is dull. Why would anyone want to read that?

Comments are coming now. Oh dear, they sound bored. That one’s a nice one, but they’re obviously just being nice. They feel sorry for me. They don’t take me seriously. They see me as neurotic and over-reacting. They’re smiling and raising their eyebrows at me from behind their keyboards.

Other people I had hoped would comment have not, people I respect, people I long for approval from, however much that need for approval sickens me. It’s like they don’t even know I exist. I feel invisible to them.

Maybe they haven’t got time. *I* haven’t got time. There are so many blogs I wish I could comment on, so many people that seem to be clamouring for attention. I feel bad when I don’t have time to respond, to give them the validation that I am always looking for myself.

Why did I leave that comment? I sound stupid, immature. I didn’t think it through properly. Now what I’ve said will be taken and used against me. I have lost what little respect people had for me. I should just keep my mouth shut – I have nothing worth saying anyway.

I didn’t get that invite. I didn’t get that pitch.

I did get that invite. I did get that pitch. Now everyone who didn’t will resent me.

I am a mess of contradictions. I long to be noticed yet am embarrassed by my successes.

Who does she think she is? I know they all think that. Bloody upstart.

I am not one of them. I will never be one of them.

Why does it matter to me so much? Why can’t I let it go??”

If you’d like to join my Insecure Bloggers Club, leave your name below. We can wobble together.

Why do we feel like this sometimes? DO you feel like this?

How can we fix it?

Screw you structured play and learning stuff! I’m doing just fine…

Posted by Josie on Nov 20, 2009 in Uncategorized | 17 comments

Do you know the most wonderful thing about blogging? (’cause blogging’s a wonderful thing…)

It is the fact that yesterday I can post one of my usual ‘worrying I’m not doing enough‘ posts and in 24 hours can receive back an overwhelming number of comments of solidarity, reassurance, encouragement and affirmation, and at a time when I most need to hear it too. I’m said it before and I’ll say it again. You guys are AMAZING.

Turns out all of you could relate, or remember feeling the same when your kids were Kai’s ages, or thought I was talking the biggest pile of twaddle you have ever read and kindly left me advice to show me the error of my ways. I felt so much better by all your fantastic advice that I actually went on last night and amended my post, which I’m reproducing here so you can see it:

Amendment:

I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.

So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.

Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.

Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.

And because the comments are THAT GOOD! and because so many of you seem to secretly feel the same, people like Emma, Sharni, Andrea, Theresa, Dotty, Solveig, I am going to reproduce some of them here: to stand as a testament against insanely irritating structured play and that feeling that you’re failing because you’re not very good at it. Here we go… (it’s also a good way of introducing you to some of my lovely readers!)

Kat from Slugs on the Refridgerator tells me:

“In my personal view, kids do not need to be entertained all the time, in fact they should not be. I don’t know where on earth society came up with the stupid idea that SAHM need to educationally stimulate their kids all the time (though my bet would be on Toys R Us). For the vast majority of human history, kids were just along for the ride. They helped adults do their work or played happily alongside. Kids these days (and parents) have much too high expectations about cramming all this learning and activity into a day, when in fact children’s job is just to play… As for learning, children will learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it.”

Brits in Bosnia said:

“I have a theory that lots of children are over stimulated today anyway; too much time doing structured play with adults and not enough time developing their own abilities to create their own worlds and games. Children need to be bored sometimes as they need to learn how they can entertain themselves and develop their own imaginations.”

The Madhouse (who is probably QUEEN of creative activities in my book!) suggests that:

“…they learn by copying and watching. We have never had structured play at all. It always amazes me when people ask if I taught the boys their numbers and things, no way. I just have fun with them.”

Victoria from It’s a Small World After All is my idol for dreaming up exciting trips with her children so I was very reassured to have her tell me:

“They need to learn to entertain themselves… I’ve always called it benign neglect. I play with my children a bit, but I also expect them to get on with it by themselves. My eldest has the most incredible imagination. And it’s not just me being a proud parent, her teachers always comment on it. I’m sure it’s to do with making up her own games and I feel like it’s something I’ve done really right (unlike most of the things I feel like I’ve done wrong). It’s a gift that will hopefully stand her in good stead. Personally, I’d far rather they were able to turn a bunk bed into a pirate ship than most other things.

And as for ‘teaching’ them their colours, numbers etc, I can tell you that after 3 children, the effort you put into these things in no way reflect the outcome. I spent ages trying to teach the eldest colours etc and she learnt them at exactly the same age as the middle one, who I didn’t bother teaching them to….”

Muddling Along Mummy wisely points out:

“…giving them space to explore and develop on their own is a great gift – better that than being one of those horrid helicopter mums who interfere continually in their child’s life”

Amber, who I admire enormously as a FAB mum admits:

“You know what? I take every little bit of independent play that my kids will give me. It’s actually very enriching for them to go and do their own thing, in their own way. They don’t really need us to give them structure to their play, or make sure they’re reaching their optimal potential, or anything. They can mostly figure it out for themselves.”

And my very lovely friend Mwa (who is always right about everything) popped on late last night to tell me:

“You are fine. And structured play is completely unnecessary. As long as you interact with each other, and do things together, he will be fine. I think in fact that it’s unnatural to have all this structured play with an adult. If it doesn’t feel right, there’s probably some evolutionary reason… Don’t try to do what you’re bad at all the time. Just do what you love and are good at. I’m sure you’ll end up teaching him plenty.

Oh, and while I’m hijacking your blog anyway, I just read that structured learning before about age six is not only unnecessary, it may actually do more harm than good. Just trust Kai’s learning instincts. He will get there his own way, whatever you do.”

So there you go. I am officially LETTING THIS ONE GO! I am doing fine. I may not always have the patience or the energy for lots of structured play and formal learning, but I am NEVER too busy or too tired for a cuddle or a giggle or a game of hide and seek when Kai wants them.

I am also off now to order the book The Idle Parent that some of you recommended, to read whenever I feel under pressure to get the flash cards out.

Thanks again folks. And thanks to Linda, Kelly, Leah, Eileen, Nicola, Weston-Super-Mum, Spiragirl, Heather, Tasha, Erica, Emily, Kathryn, and Kath for al your equally wonderful comments.

Right, I’ve ignored Kai long enough (he’s been busy playing cars and HAVING FUN!… of course) – we’re off to pull some things off supermarket shelves.

What’s your angle?

Posted by Josie on Oct 22, 2009 in Writing | 49 comments

Well this is all very exciting – my first post on my spangly new laptop! (yes, I know spangly isn’t a word but it should be and I’m a writer now so can make up new ones whenever I like…)

I NEVER get new toys so this is a bit of a treat. Me and the husband have been having a bit of an issue over laptop usage – since most of my evenings are now spent doing one bit of writing or another, the poor love doesn’t get a look in, looking at movie geek sites or whatever the hell it is he does (most likely playing Football Manager – ahem. Did I mention he was 31 in a couple of weeks?) . Despite the fact that he’s been his usual exceedingly patient and understanding self and not uttered one word of a moan about me forever tap tapping away, it does seem a bit unfair. So when I got some grant money through from the OU we decided to get me a ‘work’ laptop. Partly as a kind of investment in this writing adventure I think. I kind of ’I can do it (because I have a spangly new laptop)’ self-belief present.

In fact, in honour of my new self-belief ‘I can do it’ laptop I am going to make a promise…

I am going to write my first book on this baby. Oh yes I am.

I have no idea what about yet, but that’s a minor point…

Anyway. That’s not what this post is about. Well, it’s kind of what the post is about but only in a very long winded god-are-you-ever-going-to-get-to-the-point kind of way.

I shall get to the point.

The other day sweetie pie Karin at Cafe Bebe wrote about having a blogging confidence crisis – wondering why she was blogging, what did it all mean, whether it was it worth it, worrying that she wasn’t popular, and so on. Now, I think we’ve all been there. In fact, those that know me will know it’s a regular occurrence for me (having had to be dissuaded from deleting half my blog posts just the other day). Blogger’s Wobble is soon going to have to recognised as a certifiable mental affliction amongst the blogging community.

Obviously we all (recognising the symptoms) jumped to Karin’s reassurance that she was doing just fine, to forget the stats and get back to blogging basics – doing it cause you love and it and have something to say.

But some of the (very helpful) comments got me thinking. They echoed what I have heard said time after time about blogging – the importance of voice. Of having a unique personality and selling point for your blog, that ultimately THAT is what makes a blog successful and stand out from it’s ‘competitors’ (and I use that word loosely as that’s SO not what blogging should be about).

Now generally I do OK at keeping the Blogger’s Wobble at bay. I don’t spend TOO much time thinking about stats and ratings, only occasionally stressing over silly things like why I haven’t got many subscribers when I get lots of hits (*sob*). Mostly I’m just so in love with the whole thing that I don’t really stop to think about it.

But this thing about voice, that really struck a cord. You see, the ‘popularity’ thing I can let go, but I do really, really want to stand out from the crowd in terms of most definitely not being ‘just another mummy blog’ and instead having something different and interesting to say. And what I love is that I think I’m finding mine. It’s taken a while to evolve but I’m beginning to get the sense that this blog has a ‘something’ that is mine and unique to me.

So. Here’s my angle.

I am a mummy. I am an aspiring writer. I find motherhood hard and I am honest about that. I blog because I love to connect and to write and play with words and thoughts and ideas.

What’s your angle? Or what would you like it to be?

Or if you don’t know, maybe you should think about it? WHY do you blog? What do you hope to achieve?

I’d really love to know x