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On ‘Beauty’
I had a strange experience the other week. One of those almost out-of-body moments where some internal light-bulb comes on and suddenly you find yourself looking at something with a whole new perspective.
It was on my birthday, and I was sat with my family looking at old photos. It was one of the happiest evenings I have had for a long time, full of love and laughter and all the things that our slightly unconventional but beautifully functioning family are good at. We shared memories as we flicked through albums, and I found myself faced with a flicker-book story of my childhood, and, more strikingly, of the physical change from a scrunched-up hours-old newborn, to a leggy, punky teenager.
The strange bit came when, for a moment, I somehow forgot that I was looking at myself, lost in images of this metamorphosis, and I found myself thinking, “what a beautiful girl she was”. And then I remembered: that girl was me.
I think, that moment, was the first time I ever really, truly, without any trace of doubt, thought of myself as beautiful. And the realisation and implication of that knocked me sideways.
I grew up absolutely, fundamentally convinced that I was hideous. I’m not really sure why. I had loving, affirming parents who never made an issue out of food, or weight, or fashion (ha! no, fashion definitely not a focus for our family, if you could see our photos!) And yet, I have memories of myself even as young as nine or ten absolutely convinced I was fat and ugly.
Here I am, at ten years old, splashing in the fountain at Trafalgar Square (before the days when you got in trouble for that sort of thing…)
I look at that picture now and the reality of how far my self-perception was from the truth actually makes me feel a little bit ill. I mean, for God’s sake, even with the baggy t-shirt on you can see that I was hardly needing to worry about losing a few pounds. And yet I can actually remember that feeling, looking at the little swell of my pre-pubescent tummy, and the slightly angular shape of my nose and thinking, at ten years old, “I am fat and will never be beautiful”.
And what scared me MORE was that recently I have realised that I have felt like that way EVER SINCE. The way I feel about my body, and about the way, I look is something that I’ve not even really given voice to, even expressed, because, do you know what? I thought it was normal to feel like this! I didn’t question it, because I took it as fact!
For most of my early twenties I battled with weight as an inevitable consequence of being almost entirely immobile and having to survive on a cocktail of medications. I was, at one point, probably three times the size I am now. And, even if it was only temporary, it only went to reinforce my sense that I was big. I almost excused myself for hating myself – I was allowed to – I was ‘enormous’. I felt it was justified, telling myself that once I was thin again I would feel better. I remember thinking the same thing after I had had Kai. Weight-loss became a quest for regaining the ‘real me’.
But do you know what? I’m thin now and I don’t feel any different. I feel pretty much the same at a size 8-10 as I did as a 18-20.
I still agonise over my perceived ‘fat’, the slightest fluctuation in weight, in size. I look in horror at the shadows under my eyes; I still can’t look at myself in photos taken at certain angles, feeling physically quite sick at being confronted with something that I see as so flawed.
And from that, the bombshell hits. It’s never going to be good enough, is it? How thin is ‘thin enough’? What does my face have to look like for me to finally be happy with it?
I’d like to say I was doing better these days. I think I am, actually, I’m getting there. I do at least get a sense that the way I see my body and myself is probably not as accurate as I have been perceiving it. If I can look at that photo of a ten year old me and see how wrong I was about how I felt then, what will I think in another ten or twenty years when I look at photos of myself now? And I have been made to look at myself through new eyes recently, made to question how the view I hold of myself might be dramatically different from the way someone else sees me.
I feel lucky that none of this spiralled into a full-blown eating disorder. I think it could have done, actually, and I’m not going to lie and say that I have an altogether healthy relationship with food all the time. And I am well aware that in a sense I got off lightly here – my self-image has been mostly an internal struggle but for many more people that I know and love, their own struggles with appearance have manifested into destructive patterns, some that have completely dominated their lives. If anything I think the fact that this has been something that has quietly bubbled away under the surface makes it just as powerful – I probably represent a fairly typical woman. And that scares the shit out of me. How many of us feel like this?
So where did it come from, all this? Why the hell do I feel like this? Why do WE feel like this, cause I know I’m not the only one.
Well, to be honest, I don’t know. But yesterday I followed a link via my (very beautiful) friend Life Slightly Used to an Australian blog written by writer Mia Freedman.
Mia shared this video, and it made me stop, and it made me write this post, too.
If you’ve ever felt like me, or have daughters or sisters, or sons, even, cause I know this doesn’t just affect girls, then I really would suggest you watch it too.
Maybe we can’t ‘fix’ our self image just like that, but watching things like this might at least help us understand why we might feel like we do:
Read More#SilentSunday – Shot at Dawn
For more scenes from the National Memorial Arboretum which I visited for the first time yesterday, click here.
Closer to Nature – my chat with Chris Packham!
As anyone who reads this blog or sees my photographs will know, I’m a bit of a fan of the outside. I sometimes think that my entire natural skill as a parent lies in three areas – I’m pretty hopeless at most else, but when it comes to getting creative and making a mess, reading stories, and, most importantly, poking leafy, muddy things with sticks and jumping in puddles, I really start to shine as a mum.
A couple of weeks ago, the people at Arla contacted me about their Kids Closer to Nature Campaign, to see if I’d like to get involved, The campaign aims to encourage children to reconnect with the nature in their local areas by facilitating Closer to Nature Grants, allowing individuals, communities and families to work together to get our children out of the house and excited about nature.
As part of their work, Arla recently commissioned a report looking at “the population’s changing relationship with nature and the outdoors to show how factors of modern society have led people, specifically children, to be less connected to the natural world around them.” The results are staggering, revealing that almost a quarter of children rarely or never play outside, with the vast majority of children spending DOUBLE the time watching television than they do playing outside.
Parents’ reasons for this, including the social pressures of busy lives and concerns about safety, are valid but still fall short somehow. I myself know the pressure of trying to fit everything in into a day, and especially how lack of energy and a dozen things to get done can often make staying inside, TV on, the easier and seemingly less stressful option when you have a toddler. But do I really want Kai to grow up not knowing what it’s like to find conkers, or pick blackberries, or find a bird’s nest? No, I really, really don’t. Even as a parent usually keen to get outside and have Kai learn about nature not from a book or a TV show, but by getting his hands dirty, I’ve been challenged by the report’s results and started to rethink the balance of our inside-outside living. And I know I’m not alone – over 95% of parents when questioned agree that they think more time outside would make their children healthier and happier.
Last Friday I was delighted to have the chance to have a chat with none other than Chris Packham, TV naturalist, photographer and wildlife expert, who is backing Arla’s campaign, to talk about his frustration at the way in which our children seem to be losing their relationship with the natural world, and how we can overcome the apparent obstacles of modern society and our tendency for us to keep our children inside. Chris was lovely: full of passion and a practical, common-sense attitude about the whole thing which I really warmed to. I came off the phone inspired, with feet itching to don wellies and go get muddy with Kai.
As well as chatting about Chris’ childhood, growing up firmly rooted in the natural world around him, and how that has led to a lifelong passion for wildlife, Chris and I talked about his own top tips for parents to help get their own children enthused about nature.
1. Don’t let your appreciation of nature be “weather dependent”
It is all too easy to glance out of the window in the morning, see that it is cold and wet, and opt out of ‘outside’ for the day, moving our kids from inside space to inside space by way of the car. But as Chris rightly pointed out, we live in a country where it generally rains A LOT! This is our climate! We need to be teaching our children to enjoy nature in the country they live in – and that means getting wet! Children, generally, are far hardier than they we assume, and warm outdoor and wet-weather gear is usually affordable and easily available. One of Kai’s favourite activities is walking in the rain with his little umbrella, it’s ME that doesn’t enjoy it very much! This is a case of us as parents being hardier, and bringing up our children to be the same. If we forever wait for a dry day, chances are, for most of the year, our opportunities will be far and few between!
2. Have a healthy and common-sense attitude toward cleanliness – “cotton wool-ing” is not an answer.
Insisting that our children always have clean hands and a “don’t touch” mentality is only going to be barrier to our children properly enjoying nature – a look but don’t touch environment is no fun at all!. As Dr William Bird, the campaign’s independent adviser on the health benefits of nature points out, the development of a healthy immune system depends on exposure to natural bacteria. So let your children learn through touch, let them prod, poke, pick up and get mucky while they’re outside. It is the tactile, sensory experiences that children will remember and love the most.
3. Remember that nature isn’t dependent on where you live
Even in the heart of cities and busy towns there are ample opportunities for children to experience the natural world. Green spaces, footpaths and parks all provide environments that give children the chance to get close to nature and learn about wildlife where they live. Nature doesn’t always have to be exotic and wild, you don’t need to live in the middle of rolling countryside or right next to a nature reserve – encourage children to look for, and notice wildlife where they are because it IS there.
4. If you’re worried about your child’s saftey, make use of the many safe, supervised opportunities for them to be outside.
Youth and community groups and schools are a fantastic way for children to get outside within a secure, trusted environment, especially when our own time is often short. We should be working with our schools and communities to take a leading role in children’s nature education, getting children out of the classroom and outside as part of their day-to-day educational experience. Encouraging school involvement means that all sections of our society are covered – all children go to school meaning wherever you live, your child will get a chance to experience nature. Arla’s Back to Nature Grants, which anyone can apply for, are a fantastic way for us to help enhance our schools’ and communities’ nature resources, providing small-scale grants as well as larger grants up to £1500. Chris encouraged parents to talk their children and work with their teachers and community workers to help children come up with their own ideas about how to encourage nature in their area. Whether it’s just putting up some bird boxes, buying some allotment space for a school, or making a nature trail through local woodland, Back to Nature Grants provide everyone with the opportunity to do something.
To find our more about Arla’s Back to Nature Campaign and how to apply for a grant for a local nature project, have a look at their website for lots of encouragement and ideas.
Many thanks to Chris for his time. I narrowly missed out on a chance to meet him in person this time, but really hope to have another opportunity soon, so watch this space!
I’d love if you could help add to Chris’ top tips. What are your best ideas to encourage parents to get their children out of the house and discovering wildlife?
Read MoreIntroducing Dandy Dodo and quite possibly the coolest hat in the world
As we all know, I love the beast that is Twitter, especially when it introduces me to lovely new people, and one of those recently has been the owner Dandy Dodo. I don’t normally plug businesses but I am always in awe of mums running their own small enterprises from home, and as well as enjoying a good bit of banter with a new friend have loved clicking through to her shop to swoon over all the gorgeous goodies in her shop selling unique and limited outfits for children. All definitely my kind of style, bright and different and beautiful – the sort of stuff I love dressing Kai in.
The other day I clicked through to have a look at some of the hats she sells as Kai was in dire need of a good wintery warm one for our adventures and after completely falling in love with this one was over the moon when lovely Beki offered me a discount and it arrived through my letter box two days later.
Isn’t it GORGEOUS?!
Kai’s been turning heads all week with this and I was so pleased with it I thought I’d give Dandy Dodo a plug and send you all her way to buy some nice things for Christmas.
I think the accessories she sells are my favourite. If I had a little girl the fruity hat would be very top of my list.
Dandy Dodo has also launched some special offers this week on sets of children’s clothes giving you a substantial discount on the price of the items individually.
Please please go and have a look at her fab site and follow her on Twitter. She’s a gem and I love her.
