It is very, very easy in my life for me to feel powerless. I live a life within a set of limitations, as we all do. Mine just have a bit more of a tendency to literally take my feet out from under me than many.
But today I remembered, I always have choice, even if that choice is only between two things. I can choose to look at the right now and either accept whatever is going on, or do something to make a change.
Working out what I can’t, or don’t want to change and need to accept, and for which reason, takes a bit of brutal self-honesty. And acceptance isn’t the same as wallowing, acceptance requires a fair bit of looking on the bright side, or a least a vague stab at peaceful positivity.
And deciding, nope, I am not satisfied with right now and need to get off my arse and make something different happen, that takes a bit of courage, and, well, requires me to actually get off my arse.
Last night I accepted that I wasn’t going to get any sleep. I made tea, I was kept company (in literary form, of course) by a hundred-year old Swedish man. There was naff all I could do about the things my body was doing so I might as well be grateful I didn’t have Kai last night, keep warm, and try and ride it out.
By lunchtime when I was still no better and angrily boring the word WHY into everything in my immediate vicinity, I tried to accept that the doctors still don’t really know what’s wrong with me, and might not do for some time, and that there was naff all I could do about that either. This one is taking more work on the peaceful positivity side of things, but I’m getting there.
BUT. There are still many many things I CAN change. Loads and loads of them as I stopped to think about it, actually. Even if they were really tiny things. If sitting HERE was hurting and making me miserable, well, I could always go sit over THERE, couldn’t I. Or better still, go for a walk, or even better still stop thinking about myself for a god damn minute and go and do something nice for someone else.
Sometimes the only choice is, “am I going to continue to sit here doing nothing differently and feeling miserable about it? Or am I fooking well not”.
And if your feet have a tendency to taken out from under you, well, you can always stick ‘em in the air instead, can’t you.
It was a good thing to be reminded of today. So I’ve written it down here so I don’t forget.
(I will totally forget).