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Mark making

Hand Print

Today hurt. Physically, I mean. A lot. This relapse is a persistent sod, that’s for sure.

BUT it didn’t win today. It didn’t define it. Despite undercoating the day in a thick and heavy pressure, pain won’t be the thing I remember about today.

Today will be about an afternoon in the sunshine, watching Kai play cars as I sat and untangled the heavy knot of wool I have got in a mess (again) strand by strand. And then about the bucket of water and the thick, crumbly chalks we both carried to our old out-house wall which we stood by and covered in our scribbles, our bold water-soaked paintbrush stokes, and our hand prints, big and small.

It’s different being ill this time around. I don’t even like to call it ill. It comes and goes in any case; it is not the first thing I think of when I wake up, and it will not be the last thing I think about as I fall asleep, my mind far too busy with the remembering of rainbow chalk on red brick and the sound of the rain, falling now, as I imagine it washing away our graffiti in bright torrents.

Fibromyalgia hurts, like you wouldn’t believe some days, but I have no fear of it any more. Somehow I seem to be finding ways to work through it in a way that I struggled to do before. It just feels like an annoyance more than anything. It is not me any more, as it once was, years ago when it dominated every single thing I did and was.

I guess this is just a way of me saying that I’ve come a long way. I’m amazed how much stronger I am.

And I wanted to set down that down here, because I felt proud of myself today, and I don’t feel that all that often.

 

 


10 Comments

  1. Sone days I think my pain is the devil trying to consume my soul. To done that may sound dramatic but living with chronic pain drives me to the edge of sanity. Yet like you write some days you have to kick it in the crotch. I’m glad you enjoyed your day. Xxx

    • @Sara, Oh Sara, I\’m not sure anyone who hasn\’t been there can really understand, can they? It can be completely consuming. Hoping for plenty of brighter days for you. x

  2. actuallymummy

    I find it difficult to keep up with all the blogs I subscribe to and I hate to confess that I sometimes don't read much further than the first paragraph. I'm so glad I did today. I have sufferered with fibromyalgia for 12 years and my pain then was so much worse. I put that down to the fact that I battled it, whereas these days I accept it as a permanent companion in my life. Pain on and off for the rest of my life was a horrible thing to come to terms with, but now that it has a voice the pain doesn't seem to clamour for attention the way it once did. I'm so glad you have a coping strategy x

    • @actuallymummy, Thanks so much for your comment! It\’s a strange journey isn\’t it. I\’m not always a big fan of self-help bull-crap but the whole stages of grief theory, denial, anger, bargaining etc. really held true for me. I have a feeling that with chronic illness it might be a cycle you have to work through over and over throughout life, but it does feel good to have moved past a lot of the baggage and be living more acceptingly with the way my body works.

      I\’m so glad you are coping better too. x

      • @porridgebrain,
        If nothing else I find it helps to remind myself on a bad day that I have probably been trying to do too much and need to be kinder to myself. Then I don’t give myself a hard time for taking a book and an early night and leaving the ironing to itself. I like to think of it as a ‘prescription’!

        • After having to have spent my much anticipated and carefully planned morning off in bed this morning, I needed a reminder that a 'prescription' is sensible sometimes. Thank you!

  3. Oh lovely – I'm glad that there are better days in amongst the less good days

    With love xxx

  4. I know what it’s like to live with pain and a disease/illness that won’t get better you have to learn to live with it. I don’t have what you have and my heart goes out to you. You should feel proud, loads more people would just give up. You keep going and being the wonderful person you are. x

  5. Yay for you! It’s so great to see you grow so much and find your inner strength through blogging :)

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