Sad News

I don’t know how to start this. I’ve been trying for twenty minutes.

Oh I’ll just write. It’s not going to be long anyway.

Ant and I have talked this evening and we’ve agreed that I will post this. It’s getting too silly forever hinting at things and it’s getting more and more obvious anyway. All the important people already know and, well, you’re my friends. You’ve shared 18 months of ups and downs and you need to understand what’s been going on behind the scenes over this last year.

Ant’s moving out. Soon, probably at the end of the month.

I’m not going to be writing about all the ins and outs of why, I won’t really be writing about it at all – it’s not fair – but all you need to know is there’s no big drama, it’s a mutual decision and a last resort after many very difficult months. We remain good friends and plan to stay so, and are planning out together what’s going to happen and how to make this the best decision for all of us. It is the best decision, I hope. But it doesn’t mean it’s not breaking our hearts. Oh God I hate that this is happening, I can’t believe I’m writing this.

It’s been the elephant in the room for a long time. It’s been the fuel behind many slightly cryptic blog post for months and months. And it’s been so hard because I couldn’t talk about it, couldn’t write about it. I’ve felt like my tongue had been cut out at times. It’s been a very hard weight to carry around for such a long time.

Ant’s feelings are his own and not mine to band about on here, but he’s doing ok. His redundancy came in the middle of all this, as did the Bangladesh trip, which has been very hard.

As for me, I am relieved  and scared and confused and impossibly, painfully sad, all at once. I feel like I’m grieving, actually. It feels like grief.  Very up and down – emotions hitting me out of no-where. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I guess the decision to give up my Art School place makes more sense now. Financially I’m in a pretty sticky place but it’ll be ok, I’m sure. People manage, right? Family are being kind and supportive. Mostly I wish I had more friends locally, you all live so far away.

I don’t know what to do about this blog – I don’t know what to do about a lot of things, but the blog is going to be a tough one. It’s not going to be appropriate to write about my feelings through all of this so publicly but this is going to dominate pretty much everything for a while so I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write about instead. It’s always been about me and Kai, about our lives. So take that away and I’m not sure what’s left.

I suppose I’ll find something.

I have to start all over again. And I’m really scared about that.

So bear with me. I guess that’s all I can say.

Thanks.

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