Temper

Kai has always had a bit of a temper.

It was one of the first observations made about him actually, at barely a day old, the midwife holding up this tiny, rigid, screaming bundle, him emptying his lungs with a cry that made the metal bed vibrate, the bed I remember banging my shins on over and over as I jumped up to try and get to him before he woke the whole ward. Frustration and rage even then, breastfeeding proving quickly to be problematic as he wanted milk NOW but didn’t have the patience to try and latch, his intense and almost instant frustration lasting what felt like hours until he calmed down enough to try again . Over and over I would try, trying to coax him to calm down and stay still long enough to just OPEN YOUR MOUTH CHILD IT’S RIGHT THERE, just to have a little patience. Just TRY baby, please my darling, please just try.

We got through it. After two hard weeks Kai was latching well, barely coming off at all to be quite honest and there he stayed, thriving, for 18 months. We got there.

But that anger, it’s continued to weave it’s way through the day to day. That unfocused, immature mix of fear and confusion and some instinctual sense of it JUST NO BEING FAIR MUM. It was in the not-wanting-to-be-put-down, in the not-ever-EVER-mummy of sleeping alone, or even sleeping at all at times. No matter how firm or persistent or how many well-meaning books I read, soon disregarded to be used to prop up the cot an angle as suggested by ANOTHER book, and then the un-slept-in cot abandoned altogether in favour of just doing whatever bloody worked.

It was in the absolutely-not-drinking-out-of-that-plastic-thing mummy, or eating-ANYTHING-off-a-spoon mummy. It was in the temperature-must-be-exactly-right mummy.

It was in the it-must-only-ever-be-YOU mummy.

It was in every thing.

And we worked through them. All of them.

You wouldn’t think it. To look at him, to meet him. That’s always been the irony. He is such a calm, serious child. You get it right – and we have for the most part, life carefully arranged to suit what he needed – you get it RIGHT and this boy could win prizes for his exemplar angelic behaviour. With those blue eyes shining, those blond curls sitting pretty on top, that full, if rather hard-won smile, who would doubt he is anything but a model child?

“He’s so GOOD!” they gush at me. And he is, he really is. He is a super star. I am so proud of him. Proud of the way he shines in company and thrives on interaction and different environments, such a change from the problems of a few months back. He is good. Whatever ‘good’ means.

But he is not easy.

Kai started having temper tantrums about eight months ago, just about the time he learnt to walk. Proper temper tantrums, not just crying. Those angry, screaming, fist-pumping, full body kicking, plank-like, spectacular floor and buggy and bed shows. He has stamina this child, half an hour or more, not a hope of distracting him out of them. And never in company of course, oh no, or very rarely. Those everyday, just me, or just me and his dad, days. When you just need to GET STUFF DONE, and aren’t able to give him that constant interaction and variety and amusement he so seems to crave.

“Just you wait!”, people would say, as they so love to do. “Just you wait for the terrible twos!” But honestly? I didn’t believe them. Because it couldn’t get much worse than this, right?

Last night Kai proved to me just how laughingly wrong I was. Ten days after turning two it seems that the Terrible Twos have well and truly arrived. And oh BOY! Don’t you just love the way the universe loves to prove a point!

An hour. Over an hour. Of the most intense, animal, hysterical screaming and flailing and head banging and VOMIT! Oh yes! That was a fun new addition. Screaming until he was hoarse, in fact, until all that came out was husky, muted noise, but still he kicked and fought and NO’d with his whole body.

All because I wouldn’t hold his hand to sleep. A habit I had taken weeks to break some time ago, the last vestiges of the I-won’t-sleep-alone days, only for me to relent one night, one night like last night, and then for it take MORE weeks to break again.

I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going through all that again.

So I didn’t. I stood firm. I sat with him and talked to him but I did not hold his hand. And he screamed until he couldn’t scream any more and passed out in a little exhausted ball of sweat and anger and sadness.

Needless to say I was broken, running from his room and the house the second his head finally hit the pillow. Running and running and just not stopping because I had to get OUT. Away. Two hours of breathing and walking and my heart still raced. My sensitive nerves frazzled with sound and my sensitive heart frazzled with emotion. I never, ever knew how physically stressful dealing with this sort of temper can be.

I know it will pass. I know he is frustrated, that the lack of speech and difficulty expressing himself is a part of it and THAT will pass. He starts nursery soon which I think I will make a huge difference, if only to give me a BREAK! I know that we will get through this just like we got through everything else.

But right now?

It is hard. It is really, really hard.

I just needed to say that.

________________________________________

Thanks to everyone on Twitter for their support last night. All the stress was tempered with some very, very exciting news today which I will share as soon as I can. Life-changing news. News that make temper tantrums suddenly feel a lot more bearable Updates very soon xx

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/kailexness kailexness

((((hugs)))) there is nothing to say so I just send you ((((hugs)))) and lots of them…

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Thank you. Hugs are always good. Wine is better… but hugs are good

[Reply]
http://tattietats.com Lindsey

Oooh, can't wait to hear your news! As for the temper tantrums, try tequila. Lots of tequila. Only at night, after he's gone to bed, and only for Mommy of course

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Do you know what it's been YEARS since I had tequila. I think that needs rectifying pretty damn quickly

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http://softthistle.net Marylin

*hugs* I know. I had the same last night.
It's hard, cause the more they are pushed to learn things, the worse the tantrums get, for a while. It will get better though. It's got to, right! xxxxx
PS – cant wait to hear the news!!

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 7:16 pm
It DOES have to!! I bloody hope so anyway! Sorry to hear you're having a tough time too xxx

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/bakingmadmama bakingmadmama

Sending you big hugs, it's so frustrating for you both when they can't express themselves. I don't blame you for going out afterwards! Tantrums aside (the Bear started having them at 13 months, and I had to deal with the "just you wait!" thing too – gah) he sounds like such a wonderful little boy!
Can't wait to hear what your news is! xx

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 23rd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Thank you lovely. He IS wonderful. Just such hard work It will all be worth it… *repeat ad infinitum* xx

[Reply]
http://www.expatmum.blogspot.com Expat Mum

Oh Lord. I remember that. Hopefully though, last night will be the worst one. He will soon get the message (again – don't give up) that it won't matter how long he cries. But it breaks your heart and breaks you down at the same time doesn't it.
x

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 25th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
It has been slightly better the last couple of nights. His day-time ones still very regular and hard work though It really does break you down. Exhausting. Thanks for your comment chick x

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http://www.hairyfarmerfamily.co.uk Hairy Farmer Family

Oh boy. SPEAKS to me, this post does!

Our situation is perhaps a little different, in that Harry was undoubtedly neurologically walloped in utero and exited prematurely and exceedingly ill – but to the casual observer, he now seems like a pretty typical rambunctious little boy. And he is! He totally is! Just with… quirks. Big ‘uns.

He is 3 in a fortnight and I can count all his words on my fingers – he can shake and nod (finally!) but can’t say Yes or No yet. We have been to hell and back with his sleep, several times. He is hypersensitive to noise, textures, touch, water, restraint of any sort, yadda-yadda-yadda. Big issues with drinking utensils and food temperature & texture. (I winced when I read the spoon mention above. We spent a long time in NO BIB!NO HIGHCHAIR!NO SPOON! City.) He’s capable of paying attention wonderfully well to what HE wants to do, but if I need him to get dressed and leave the house, or, God help us, actually Tidy His Toys Away, then it becomes all Look! SQUIRRELS! and I end up late, hot and furious, chasing him around the house with a clean nappy and shorts, bellowing like a lunatic.

In short: Issues. We haz dem. Which makes the resulting frustration – in both him and us – no real surprise. His rage and tantrums are horrifying, and his self-inflicted head injuries have finally scored him a proper orthotic protective helmet from his Paediatrician, as he will throw himself about in a fury with a profound lack of regard to the nature of the floor surface. Naturally, he never displays this melt-down prowess at his nursery, as their succession of FUN! ACTIVITIES! never actually involves thwarting his iron-hard, imperious, and strong little will. It’s always Mum and Dad that have to be Bad Cop and convey the unwelcome news regarding bedtime, park departure-time, and No More Sweeties Today that inevitably results in a furious onslaught of head-butts, kicks and slaps.

And… I gotta say, when you have one of These Kids… ignoring it, although undoubtedly the only answer in the long run – doesn’t work immediately, or even soon. In fact, I’m still waiting for the miraculous ‘Oh, pay no attention, he’ll soon stop!’ resolution that’s been regularly parroted at me during my two years of stalwart Headbang If You Like, Sweetie, It’s Your Head (whilst peering nervously around the door, tears pouring down my face and wincing with every thump. (Hey! MIL! He’s STILL GOING! Now with DELIBERATE VOMIT! You want a go?!)

Like Kai, Harry was Angry Boy at birth, and his tantrums have just been a part of who he is. All I can say with certainty, is that giving into it makes it far worse. Ignoring it, as far as my experience goes, simply prevents it from escalating into the realm of the ridiculous. Which is a victory of sorts, but an awful, awful hollow one.

(I have, you will also not be surprised to hear, TWO counsellors. One helps me to stay sane, the other to stay married.)

Anyways. Loooooonnnnng story short: I GET IT. I’m not a million miles away from you, so scream in my direction if you ever feel like you’re losing the war on toddler terror.

It gets better. I think. I hope.

*raises eyes skywards*
*shakes fist*

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 25th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Holy Moly, the head-banging sounds HORRENDOUS! Kai went through a very bad phase a while back but it didn't get that bad, now it's a bit more half-hearted (he's not daft). I would really have struggled with that

The hyper-sensitivity has always been the biggest issue here, something I've written about a lot before. And coupled with the lack of speech? Well what the hell are you supposed to DO with them? Everything in their world isn't quite right, but they can't TELL you what's wrong so you end up two steps behind all the time. It's impossible.

Anyway. It's always good to know someone else going through the same stuff, misery loving company and all that

Well comrade. Good luck. It's good to know you on the journey anyway. Here's hoping we survive it x

[Reply]
http://www.diaryofamancunianmum.blogspot.com Mancunian Mum

My son is exactly the same sometimes. He starts huge temper-tantrums over the slightest things, like if I won't let him have some toast before bed, or if I refuse giving him a yoghurt before tea. Then they go on for up to a couple of hours, just screaming and kicking, lying on the floor.

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 25th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
Definitely not just you honey Meal times a big battle ground for us too. It's so hard isn't it? Sympathy from me! x

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http://mwaonline.blogspot.com Mwa

OMG if I see how exhausted a ten minute tantrum leaves me (and I ignore them in the next room with the TV on) then you must be going crazy! Big hug to you… and looking forward to the news!

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 25th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Crazy. Yes. I shall waste away to nothing at this rate as I cope by running and working and forgetting to eat. Jesus, it's not like I'm particularly sane at the best of times is it?! xx

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Pingback: Tweets that mention Temper « Sleep is for the Weak -- Topsy.com
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jfb57 jfb57

Not sure what I can add other than you are getting there even if you feel it is too slowly! Hang in there!

[Reply]
porridgebrain Reply:
July 25th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Thanks lovely. We ARE getting there! It's just fricking hard going!! xx

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http://intensedebate.com/profiles/andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou

Oh I so feel for you Baba had his first proper tantrum about two months ago over Daddies Oakleys he wanted them Mr L said no – MELTDOWN! 40 minutes later he was still thrashing on the floor, legs and arms going wild and screaming it was so hard. Thankfully Mr L was here too, I doubt blame you for getting out! You need to after that!

Can't wait to hear the exciting news! xx

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/sberges sandrine

I know it is shite. Max still has meltdowns, occasionally with (now light) headbanging. But until he was about 6 if, as you say, we got something wrong, he would go into full tantrum mode and we couldn't get him out of it. We learnt to avoid the triggers as much as possible – a lot of them are to do with sensory overload. What people have told us consistently is not to give in to the tantrums, because otherwise they become a way of attracting attention. And to be honest, we weren't that good at that. We were always worried about disturbing the neighbours (one of them called security once), people in the streets calling the police on us (they did), or having to come home in a hurry thereby spoiling a family outing we were looking forward to. But you sound like you can do it. Keep it up.
At 8, he still has the occasional tantrum, but he recovers more quickly. And now, it makes him cry. When he calms down he bursts into tears, cuddles us and says he's sorry. I'm torn between thinking it's good and my heart breaking.
Hugs.

[Reply]
superlittlemen

I can relate to and to Hairy farmer family, my eldest was capable of marathon tantrums (also a prem baby and very angry about his exit into the world), I remember one night sitting on the stairs for 3 hours with DH and 2 friends, all of us nearly in tears (of stress and anguish, not through laughter) listening to Isaac go on, until he collpased in a heap at the stairgate over his door and finally fell asleep. It is heartbreaking, good luck with Kai and try and stay strong

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http://intensedebate.com/profiles/skippedydoodah skippedydoodah

Ach, you are not alone… You Are Not Alone… But hey, you wouldn't want one of those placid, boooring children who just sit there obediently, would you? I'm sure it's a sign of his immense intelligence and sensitivity – only the best of us get that frustrated… Hang in there, this too shall pass. {{{{Josie}}}}

[Reply]
http://glowstars.net Vic

That sounds just like TB, even now he's older. It took a while but I've developed a really thick skin. Still, everyone else seems to think he's the picture of good manners and behviour.

[Reply]
http://www.susankmann.co.uk Susan Mann

Tantrums are tough, you just want to hold them and tell them it is ok but they don't let you and won't listen. You are going through such a hard time and no amount of he will grow out of it or it's just a phase is going to help you at the minute. I was there with my 1st he has tantrums but nowhere near as bad as no2 he's a strong one. Kicks, screams, tears but can switch them off and on in a blink of an eye. You will get there, you are strong, and strong willed just like your gorgeous little boy. But in the meantime, keep running and do whatever it takes to get through it. Hugs xx

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/marisworld marisworld

Has he been speaking to Bessie??? She threw an amazing fit at Twin Club this morning and carried on till we got home – a first.
You got through everything else, you'll get through this and absolutely DYING to hear your news, I'm sooo no good with waiting.

[Reply]
http://www.chatty-t.blogspot.com Tanya (Bump2Basics)

You are doing great and are an example to us all Josie. I'm new to this parenting business with LLC being just under 6 months but I find myself building strength and a more realistic outlook hearing that hard times like this DO crop up and even when they break your heart in the moment you need to keep on trucking. I sometimes feel stressed when LLC cries when I put her down for a nap so I'm still building my thicker skin but gradually it's coming and getting some perspective always helps.

Excited to hear your news! xx

[Reply]
http://www.walkinginmshoes.org Eric

Hugs, it's though.

We decided that our children were allowed to throw tantrums, and that they have the right to be upset. It doesn't mean we don't care…nooo, nope at all. But it means that we don't take it as personally. But that being said, at time, it can be really nerve wracking …

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/livileah88 Livi

*big hugs* You're bloody amazing! I have no idea how I would cope with that. Well done and hang in there. You're right that it will pass but until it does keep yourself sane, do what you need to to get through it *hugs*

[Reply]
http://mummydothat.blogspot.com cartside

Oh man, that is so hard on you. I can't believe how you can stay so strong! 20 minutes of a mild whine had me close to a temper tantrum of my own today, and it was only a whine. Annoying and constant, but only 20 minutes. I don't think I could cope with an hour long tantrum, you're amazing.

[Reply]
nappyvalleygirl

It's so bloody hard sometimes, and I really feel for you. Littleboy 2 has terrible tantrums – but only with me – like Kai in company he is an absolute angel. But he frustrates me beyond belief sometimes. And it's exhausting, and so hard to keep one's own temper (I rarely do). Tell yourself this too shall pass. x

[Reply]

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