2010 May | Sleep is for the Weak

Four Thoughts

Posted by Josie on May 26, 2010 in Uncategorized | 15 comments

I am being fed by my senses right now. I feel like one big raw nerve, fizzing with energy and sensitivity. Touch, smell, taste. These are the things giving me strength right now. Hands on my skin, sun on my face, the feel of grass between my toes, wine on my lips, music loud in my ears.

I need to lose myself in feeling more. I am going to dance and sing and stretch and sway and skip.

I’m going to stop thinking for a bit. Well, at least as much as I ever can.

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I think that this blog may either end up chronicling my inevitable decent into madness, or my upward climb to enlightenment, personal fulfilment, and doing something completely brilliant.

I have not decided which yet.

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I cried a lot yesterday. A LOT.

I try not cry in front of Kai but yesterday the tears just wouldn’t stop. Big heaving sobs that shook me and shook me.

Kai struggles to understand emotion in others. I don’t know whether that’s just his age or one of those “oh Josie who are you kidding, that boy is just waiting for a big label on his forehead” type scenarios. Not that it matters either way.

I cried and Kai laughed. Which made me cry harder, and Kai laugh louder,

I tried to explain. Mummy is sad today, it’s ok to be sad sometimes. Kai gets sad too, right? And when Kai is sad, he cries too.

My blonde nonsense child looking at me confused with his head on one side as Mama leaked sadness.

What does Mummy do when Kai is sad? How does Mummy make Kai feel better?

He takes me in his arms, strokes my hair and kisses my eyes.

He doesn’t understand my sadness, just as I don’t always understand his, but he is trying.

Just like his Mama.

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I am feeling better today.

Drinking almost an entire bottle of wine and refusing to go to bed did me good. I woke up five hours later ready to take on the world again.

Proving once again that wine is a good thing and sleep is for the weak.

Amen.

Not Ready

Posted by Josie on May 25, 2010 in Uncategorized | 52 comments

I’ve been agonising over this post for days. Daft really. I guess it’s never easy admitting you’ve been wrong about something.

OK. Deep breath, fingers ready. Just type Josie.

You’ll probably think I’m a silly fool. I probably am a silly fool.

Last week I thought I was pregnant. I had all the signs, it’s easy to do. I wasn’t though. And being pregnant wasn’t the thing I was wrong about.

I thought I was ready for another baby.

But last week, when I thought I’d got what I wanted, I surprised everyone, especially myself, by having the exact opposite reaction that I thought I would.

I was horrified. And terrified. Yes, so scared I could barely breathe.

So I guess maybe I’m not so ready after all.

I don’t know what I want any more. A couple of months ago I was so sure. Hormones were kicking that squirmy womb feeling into overdrive. I’d lie awake dreaming of blue lines and swelling stomachs and little feet.

Kai is nearly two. That’s what people do when their babies hit two, they have another one. We always wanted two. Now was the time. My body said yes, yes, yes.

But I’m not ready. I’m so not ready. Mentally I am not ready.

This last few months I have remembered what it felt like to be me again. I’ve loved having my body back. I actually, finally, have something resembling a flat tummy again (well, nearly). And a waist. And boobs whose primary purpose aren’t to make milk. I feel sexy and alive and free.

I’m enjoying my days off, nights out drinking with the girls and adventures off all over the place. I need that right now like you wouldn’t believe. I’m loving that Kai will finally settle for his dad, that he is sleeping better generally, that he is old enough now to need me less. I am loving sex, for SEX, not as a means-to-an-end-lets-make-a-baby mission.

I’m not ready to lose that again.

I poured so much into Kai’s first two years. I poured in everything I have. There was nothing left.

And finally there is emerging a sense of ‘me’ again.

This me struggles with motherhood now more than ever before. She feels trapped and torn, wondering if she’s even cut out for it at all. The one child she has she finds so hard that some days she honestly feels like she will break. Her needs are clamouring louder louder. Space, freedom, passion, creative opportunity, growth, independence.

This is not a woman ready for another baby.

I am too selfish right now. And it is a selfishness, I’m not going to lie about that.

I have to trust that when I’m really ready I will know again. I know how powerful those hormones are, I remember that desperate need. And I just don’t have that right now. I’m sure I will one day, probably sooner than I think, just not now. I am 28. There is no rush. I have time.

But.

If I’m not having another baby then what the hell am I doing?

I’ve been in a kind of limbo. The prospect of another baby soon has kept me from really starting anything new. There was no point getting a job and starting a new career if I was only going to leave again in a few months.

Say we wait six months, a year, more? What do I do with that time?

What do I do?

My OU course finishes next week. The weeks and months stretch out in front of me. I have no idea what I’m doing with them. The dream of filling days with writing, my book taking shape under my fingers is a distant one. I still have to take care of Kai, we can’t afford childcare unless I get a full-time paid job somewhere, and not many people pay you to write poetry and novels all day, do they?

I am stuck between two lives. One where I embrace motherhood with all I have, let go of myself, and one where I live my dreams, of writing and claiming something for me.

Neither seems possible.

And I’m struggling with that right now.

Writing Workshop: Write your Own Workshop (with prizes!)

Posted by Josie on May 24, 2010 in Writing, Writing Prompts | 3 comments

Hello. Bit late with this to day, I’ve been out enjoying the lovely sun and blinding pedestrians with my white legs.

We’re going to do something a bit different this week.

This week YOU are going to come up with a prompt. I’m going to give you five words or phrases to help you get started. Think of a prompt based around that word or phrase, write a post based on your prompt, then link it up on Thursday as usual.

So for example the first word I’m going to give you is “Summer”, so your prompt could be “My memories of Summer as a child”. Get it?

Here’s the best bit though. The five posts with the most imaginative and unique prompts will be used as the inspiration for NEXT week’s workshop, with a nice plug for your blog too. And, hell, I’m feeling generous… you’ll win a prize too. Just a little one. Something delicious (if I can resist eating them first).

However, I also want to give you full permission to bunk off this week. If the weather is lovely and grass and ice cream and snoozes in the shade are calling then sod the workshop this week and go and enjoy the weather while it lasts.

Ok?

Blimey I’m a bit bossy today. Oops.

As usual, how you respond is your choice. You could share a real-life story, or make one up. You could write a poem or just free-write without thinking too hard and see what happens. It can be funny; it can be serious; it can be emotional. It can be whatever you want it to be. The only rule is to enjoy writing your post and get something out of the process.

So here are some words and phrases to get you started (I wonder if you can divine the inspiration behind them all? Not that they’re really obvious or anything or based around anything I’ve been doing or thinking about for the last few days… ahem):

1. Summer

2. Lost

3. In the Garden

4. A Wedding

5. Escape

Now here’s what you have to do. Write your post and publish it on your blog between now and THURSDAY. On Thursday come back and use the widget that will be up to paste in the URL of your post to share. Then take some time to read some of the other entries and leave some comment love! We’re not here to critique – just to have fun and support each other in our writing experiments. So be kind please.

Anyone who would like to submit something via email, or even anonymously will be more than welcome to do so. I’ll post them on the site here and include the link in Thursday’s round-up.

Feel free to use the Workshop badge on your blog or as part of your post if you like. Code is here:

Note: I’m told Blogger does something a bit funny with the code so you’ll need to copy and paste it and then retype the quotation marks (“) as Blogger changes them for some reason.

See you Thursday then!

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This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.

Writing Workshop: The Dog Ate It

Posted by Josie on May 20, 2010 in Writing, Writing Workshop | 7 comments

Welcome back to this week’s Writing Workshop.

It’s going to have to be one of those weeks where I bunk off I’m afraid. As some of you know I’ve had some ‘stuff’ going on this week. Nothing serious, but it’s left me really distracted and fidgety and struggling to concentrate on anything that requires anything remotely resembling brain power.

I spent two hours in front of the computer last night with a blank cursor blinking, cried, then went to bed.

Which just goes to show it happens to all of us.

So it’s over to you. This week I want you to make an extra effort to click on a name or blog in the list that you don’t know and go leave a comment.

Which prompt did you chose?

1. Tell us a tale of wanton destruction and chaos; share your stories of mess and mayhem.
- Inspired by lovely new blogger Nudie Princess and the sh*t her kid ruins…

2. Write about something that was worth waiting for – what was worth the patience and frustration?
-Inspired by new mummy’s Tiddlyompompom and And One more Means Five who both had gorgeous babies this last week. Congratulations!

3. “You just don’t get it!” – share a story about a time you felt that your other half, or somebody else, failed to understand something important about your life, your personality, or your needs.
- Inspired by Cafe Bebe who wrote about her worries about whether her hubby understands her blogging hobby and how to get the balance right.

4. Have you ever felt bullied? At school? At work? In your personal life? How did you deal with that? Tell us your story.
- Inspired by Mummy Tips and her post about feeling the affects of bullying this week.

5. Write about a time that common sense took a rain-check. Perhaps you were given a piece of ridiculous advice, or you lost your own sense of perspective for a while?
- Inspired by Muddling Along Mummy and her plea for the world to return to using its common sense

Leave your name and the URL to your post in the MckLinky below (the URL should be to your post not just to your blog) and leave me a comment to let me know you’ve taken part. If you have the time it would be great if you could try and read and comment on at least two other entries. And be kind! It’s supposed to be a bit of fun – we’re not looking for the next Booker Prize winner here.

If you haven’t had chance to respond yet, then you’ve still got till Sunday to enter your link! Or just wait till next week, when there’ll be five brand new prompts to get you thinking.

This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.