The many faces of Kai

Happy Easter my friends.

The blog is taking a little break for a few days while it’s author recovers from a a touch of the flu, catches up on some sleep while lovely Ant is home, and spends some time with her little whirling dervish, who has been busy learning how to draw circles, do headstands, and make a beard out of bubbles… all important life skills I’m sure you’ll agree.

There will be no workshop this week, as I have an assignment due that needs some work (and a month’s worth of reading to catch up on… oops) but I shall be here and there and round about so will catch up with you soon, no doubt.

I’ll leave you with some photos of the boy that I swear grows more gorgeous by the day.

Did I mention that I love him?

Writing Workshop: Wanting

Welcome back to the Writing Workshop link-up! At the bottom of this post you’ll find the widget to post the link to your workshop posts. Can’t wait to read your posts this week! I have a free evening tonight so I’m going to try and get round as many as I can.

But first of all it’s my turn…

When thinking about what to write for the workshop this week, I kept coming back to prompt 5, that feeling of wanting again. It’s building again, now that the thought of a possible baby number two feels more real, now we’re really going to go for it. And it brings back so many memories of first time round and of how it felt.

So I thought, rather than write more about now, I would let you read about how I felt back then. I used to write an online diary – it started as a ‘trying to conceive’ diary and morphed into a pregnancy diary when I got my BFP (that’s big fat positive for all you uninitiated). Nobody read it, but I wrote it all throughout the process and yesterday I sat and read it back through.

I was so moved recapturing a glimpse of that ‘old’ me. I had been so desperate for a baby. And the reality that I had got him, I got my Kai, and that yes, it hadn’t been quite what I had always imagined but HAD been everything I had ever dreamed of, was such a humbling, eye opening experience.

I am so blessed. I have my beautiful boy, who even before he was conceived was loved so much. I do want another baby, more and more, but knowing I have Kai, that I got the one thing I always wanted most, eases the wanting a little and makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive.

Anywhere, here it is. Meet Josie – newly married, baby mad. Full of dreams and longing…

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5th October 2007

Having a bit of a low day today. I don’t know why, it seems to have been a pattern the last couple of months. I’m ok when my period arrives then WHAM a few days later it just hits me. I just feel so empty today. There is a huge piece of me missing. And the worst thing is that I know exactly what that missing piece is and I can do damn all about it. I just have to wait. And it’s so hard.

I know those of you reading this will probably think that I’ve only been trying for 3 and bit months so should just shut up and be patient but the reality is that I’ve been waiting a much longer time. I waited two years just to start trying while I got better from my illness. I fought tooth and nail to get where I am now, to the point where I was well enough to have a baby. Every day has been so hard, fighting through pain and frustration and hopelessness and the one thing that always kept me going was the thought of our baby, waiting for me at the end like an incredible prize. And now I’m here, now I’ve done all the work and am feeling healthier than I ever have before, I want it to happen now! I’m ready now! God I’m so ready.

I know it will be worth the wait. I know that all the preparation will make it so much more fun and meaningful. But we’ve got the house ready now, we’ve got married, got enough money coming in, and most importantly I’ve got myself as healthy as I can be – so where are you baby?

In the meantime I’ve watched my closest friends get pregnant and have beautiful babies and although I don’t begrudge them one second of happiness, it’s just been so hard. Hard to always be positive and happy for them and have to cover up how much it hurts me inside. How much I want what they have.

I’ve thought it a million times before – but how can I miss something so much if I never had it in the first place?! Because I do. I miss a baby I’ve never had and that doesn’t exist. How stupid is that?! But I do. I miss it and long for it so much it physically hurts me. I get this ache in my tummy, just a throb that needs a baby to fill it so much.

I feel like I know it, this little soul floating around in the ether somewhere. A soul meant just for me, just waiting for its time to come into the world.

Well I’ll wait for you little one. I’ll wait forever if I have to. But please come soon, I miss you so much.

Please please come soon.

…..

Post script: Little did I know that I would get that BFP less than a month later… you see? Dreams DO come true!)

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So now it’s your turn. What prompt did you choose?

1. We lost an hour over the weekend into the mysterious ether of the universe. Imagine you could get it back to use whenever you wanted. When would you ’spend’ it and what would you do with it? Be imaginative!
-Inspired by the change to Daylight Savings Time this weekend.

2. What eagerly anticipated experience turned out to be a complete and utter let down?
- Inspired by Sandy at Baby Baby and her not-so-Ideal Home show!

3. What a story or a poem or something descriptive to try and share your view of what happens when we die. Perhaps you could write it as a way of explaining a hard concept to your children? Or just to express your own feeling about the Big Question.
- Inspired by Christine at Thinly Spread who has had to deal with the difficult question of ‘What Comes Next’ with her son his week.

4. Share a time when you felt a deep sense of rejection. How did you move past it?
- Inspired by Heather who has bravely been rising above the hurt of a professional knock-back.

5. When was the last time you really, really wanted something – to the point where it was all you could think about. Was it something material, a holiday or a new car perhaps, or something less tangible. Love? Success? Acceptance? Respect?
- Inspired by me and my familiar feeling of wanting this week.

Leave your name and the URL to your post in the MckLinky below (the URL should be to your post not just to your blog) and leave me a comment to let me know you’ve taken part. If you have the time it would be great if you could try and read and comment on at least two other entries. And be kind! It’s supposed to be a bit of fun – we’re not looking for the next Booker Prize winner here!

If you haven’t had chance to respond yet, then you’ve still got till Sunday to enter your link! Or just wait till next week, when there’ll be five brand new prompts to get you thinking.

This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.