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The Gallery: Portrait

Posted by on Apr 28, 2010 in Photography | 47 comments

Kai isn’t sleeping. Again. Can you tell?

After months and months of trying, slowly, patiently, lovingly to teach Kai that sleep isn’t something to be afraid of, and seemingly cracking it for a few short weeks, it seems we’re slipping back into the routine of tears, anxiety, and a body clock that inexplicably means hours and hours of fretful wakefulness and an inability to physically fall back to sleep.

I never, ever knew it was possible to have an insomniac for a child until I gave birth to one.

Starting a day on three or four hours sleep for me is becoming routine again. That grey fog that was so much a part of my life for months on end now settling back around my shoulders.

The long hours as I sit in the dark as Kai cries and begs for a hand to hold are blurring into one long half-dream. Vague thoughts of “no, you must fall asleep on your own. I am here, I am with you, I will not leave you. But you must go to sleep without me by you.” Watching the dull light of the numbers on the clock as they roll by. One hour. Two hours. Three. Listening to him toss and turn as he tries and tries. Calling out in fear to check someone is there.

Yes my darling, I am here. Always here.

I don’t know what changed. We have done nothing differently. As has always been the case there is no logic to his sleep problems. We are doing everything right.

I know it will better. All children sleep eventually. But it’s been nearly two years.

And I am tired.

_____________________________________

This post was written for Week 9 of Tara’s Gallery.

The theme this week was Portraits.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/livileah88 Livi

    You poor thing, you must be so far past exhausted now. *hugs* Photo is great though.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/greenie01 greenie01

    Oh my God I feel exhausted just reading your post, you poor thing. Apart from when mine were poorly they were relatively good sleepers. Howver I do remember days when I found it hard to function because of very little sleep. I hope it's only a temporary blip and your beautiful boy will go back to his old routine of sleeping better. xx

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/maddydodo maddydodo

    Oh Josie, I just don't know what to say. Sleep depriviation is just so unutterably hellish and you have it so much worse than most! I am full of admiration for the way you cope and manage to stay sane and do all you do with the writing etc. He will get better, he will, he will he will.

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  • http://chellsplace.blogspot.com Michelle

    Ow my, you must be exhausted! I really feel for you and hope Kai will soon feel confident enough that he can sleep without feeling scared.

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  • http://www.hotcrossmum.blogspot.com Hot Cross Mum

    My heart goes out to you Josie. I am facing a similar, horribly familiar fog over mealtimes. Keep strong.

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  • http://allaboutmummy.blogspot.com/ Laura McIntyre

    I cannot offer any advice but can offer symphathies , sleep deprivation is just horrible and effects every little moment of your life.

    I have done more than my fair share of sleepless nights , my youngest as 19 months is sleeping through the night about 50% of the time now which is wonderful and a recent happening but i know could change any minute. Its only in the last few months he has went longer than 3 hours between feeds . I remember a time when i would call 3 hours of sleep a good night it was that bad. I live in fear of it starting up again.
    My eldest never slept well either , she was over 2 at least (which if you do the math with the fact there is 17m between my girls means i was up with 2 for a while then my dd2 was a miracle child who actually slept through at 4m was sleeping through the nigth before her sister) .She is did not mind so much as she slept in out bed (and still does at almost 5) .
    Would Kai sleep with you or would it not make a diffrence?

    I hope you get a break soon , i feel for you .

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  • http://notestoselfplustwo.blogspot.com/ notes and red shoes

    beautiful photo – beautifully delivered xxx
    My recent post Gallery #9: portrait, the lady of my hallway walls

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  • http://deerbaby.blogspot.com deer baby

    You still look beautiful. Even with bags. Hope you get some shut eye soon.

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  • babieswhobrunch

    i'm gutted to hear that josie. i really feel for you, as i know how debilitating it feels. we're in a different place just now touch wood but even so, as i lay next to him the other night, his body entwined in mine, my knees somewhere close to my chin (i was in his cot, as usual), and his hands kneading (needing?) my nipples as they have done every night since he was born, i couldn't help think: what on earth is it that keeps him from shutting his eyes? there's just no answer. you have my sympathises. unhelpful as they are. x

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  • http://softthistle.net Marylin

    Oh hun *huge hugs* I know how that feels. Max only started sleeping through the night about 4 months ago – he's 2 and a half now. It WILL pass. xx

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  • http://www.veryanniemary.wordpress.com veryanniemary

    OMG – I hate to tell you this, but Jojo doesn’t sleep through the night either…the difference is that she is 10. It gets better though because she can creep into my bed some nights and not wake me. Other nights I wake up but it is not for long. I have to say we gave up with all the sleep in your own bed stuff or we would have gone mad. She goes to sleep in her own room, but when she wakes in the night we don’t fight her getting into our bed. You gotta do what you gotta do for your family…
    .-= veryanniemary´s last blog ..Who was this lady? =-.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/lifeslightlyused lifeslightlyused

    *hugs*
    My recent post Hands – photo 12

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  • Modern Dilemma

    It is a great photo but a tough story. I hope things improve soon. We were sleep deprived for the first 5 years with Eldest. Its tough. You have my sympathies.

    MD xx

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  • http://www.susankmann.co.uk Susan Mann

    I can fully relate to this, coming from a mother whom when I first brought lucas home, he slept 15 minutes in 24 hours. He is now 3 1/2 and in the past few months he is so much better. He's sensitive and insecure even though you do everything to make them feel safe. Sometimes I feel like I failed and it's my fault he's insecure but I know it's not he's just who he is sweet and caring. But it does get better hang in there. xx

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  • naomi

    Hi Josie. A child psychologist might be able to help. They deal with sleeping issues etc. You can get referred through yr GP. A record of the sleeping patterns…and things you have already tried would be helpful to take along. Make sure you highlight to your GP how difficult it is for you so you dont get fobbed off. Another thing is a friend of mine had a similar problem and after taking her baby to a specialist found that she had a food allergy that gave her permanent stomach ache, thus no sleep. Yr GP should be able to refer you for physical health check. Good look. :)

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  • http://www.strocel.com Amber

    Backsliding is so normal. These little ones are going through so much development and that can just interfere with everything. I hope that, whatever it is, it settles down soon.

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  • http://www.mytopography.com Christina

    Oh sweetie. Coffee. Nap when you can. Write lists to replace short term memory loss. And know: this won't last. Even if it feels like forever. It wont be forever. xoxox!

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  • Cath

    Hello Josie, This is my first post and I feel for you. My son slept through for the first time last night and I feel like a new woman. My daughter always needed to know someone was there too when she was little. This might not seem helpful advice but why not just sleep with Kai in your bed. I know it is not ideal, you want a life, you want your space, you do not want him to be too clingy etc, but I think the people that often tell us these things are those with kids that sleep through from 6 weeks on. The rest of us need to get some kip when and how we can. Anyway I know advice is always a bit one sided so please feel free to ignore. In the meantime, grab the nearest freind and get them to come over one afternoon so you can catch up on some kip.

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