Blogging and Emotional Authenticity

Hello friends.

I tell you what, let’s start off with something calming to get you all nice and relaxed… how about this?

There. Don’t you feel better?

I decided that you could do with a bit of an emotional reprieve today.

Sally at Who’s The Mummy blogged yesterday about emotion in blogs. I loved her post because in it she acknowledged the powerful writing she reads in other people’s blogs and how moved she is by it, but at the same time she was honest in admitting she wasn’t that kind of blogger. I think we all agreed that didn’t matter. Her blog refects her, that’s all that matters.

This blog, however, definitely falls into the emotional category. It goes up and down as I do. It is over-analytical and wordy, just as I am.

I know it’s been a bit intense round here of late. That’s ok. It’s been a bit intense in my head to be honest so it’s only natural that this blog, this virtual extension of my brain (which is what it is) should get a bit heavy and serious too. I couldn’t have posted a lot of light hearted jokey posts lately as I’ve not been in a very light hearted jokey place. And this is an authentic blog, which reflects it’s writer, and I am proud of that.

So I’m not going to apologise for the serious stuff.

I am, however, going to acknowledge that it’s not always easy reading.

I am going to confess something to you. I have been a bit exhausted by emotion recently. Not just my own, but by other people’s too. Sometimes all these virtual voices seem to rise up in my head – so much pain and loss and sadness and grief and anguish. Ten times more what I go through, a hundred times more.

I want to engage with it, I am drawn to it, to offer my sympathies and respect for such beautiful, honest writing, and yet often I come away feeling drained, sometimes not even having the energy to say anything at all.

At times I’ve felt guilty for that. It felt like I was denying what they were going through somehow, ignoring them.

But it’s not, I’ve realised that. It’s just because I’m human.

We all have a limited capacity to empathise. It’s a good thing, a healthy thing. Sometimes we have to shut ourselves off from other people’s stories not because we don’t care, but because we need to protect ourselves a little. Maybe we are in a vulnerable place ourselves, maybe we just need a day off from pain and intensity, or maybe it’s just because genuinely we’re struggling to relate to what the writer is going through and any words we say would be a little empty, a little forced.

I have decided. I need my blogs to be authentic, but I need my readers to be authentic too. And I want to be an authentic reader.

If, at any point, something is shared that we as readers just can’t deal with on that day, I think we need to give each other permission to walk away. That’s the beautiful thing about this bloggosphere of ours, because for every reader that maybe isn’t in a place to offer something to a particular post, there WILL be others that are. What exhausts one person maybe exactly what someone else needs to hear.

I think acknowledging that not everyone is going to relate to everything all of the time, that every blog reader isn’t required to go through every up and down, that’s ok to step off for a while, takes the pressure of all of us.

It allows those writing emotional and very honest blogs not to feel pressured to change their content to make it easier reading if that’s not how they’re feeling. And it allows us as readers to be authentic in our responses, without guilt.

So there you have it.

I don’t expect you, as readers to comment on every post, go through every up and down. I give you permission to bunk off from time to time. Just the fact you stop by now and then is enough for me. It means that when you do it was because you really wanted to be here, that you were really listening, and that you were saying how you really felt.

And that is very special to me.

Thank you.

How about you? Do you find emotion in blogs exhausting at times? How do you deal with it? Do you step away if it gets to much? Do you feel guilty about that? I’d love to know...

Feed Me

Writing Workshop: Everything

Blogging, puddle jumping, and balding men called Steve

http://newdaynewlesson.com/ Susie @ Newdaynewlesson

I do find that certain blogs are very emotional and tough to read at times. I save those for when I can deal with it.

I have no problem crying while reading a blog-I think it makes me the person I am-to feel others pain, learn from what they have gone through.

There are days and there are days.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:01 pm
Oh I cry all the time!! Workshop day especially, I'm always a huge mess. You're right though, sometimes its a good thing. It helps to learn and grow, seeing what other people have gone through. I just can't do it every day

[Reply]
muddynosugar

I have to admit I am not one of the emotional bloggers, but I read other blogs and see the out pouring of emotion and envy the freedom and audacity people have to do that. I just couldn't. The closest you get is my poems, but they are separate to my 'normal' blog. I cry regularly reading others blogs, sometimes I have no words just empathy, tea and sympathy. I have great admiration for all of you who can express yourselves so freely.

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I love your poems And yes, maybe sometimes it's just enough to have read and felt something. Maybe sometimes words are redundant?

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http://www.rukakuusamo.com/notesfromlapland/ Notes From Lapland

I find it harder to read emotional stuff when I've got my own stuff going on in my head. when I am up and happy, I can read it. There are times when I avoid certain places because I know I can't deal with them at that moment in time, there were several weeks recently when I didn't read much here, not because it isn't great or because I'd fallen out of love with you or your blog, it's just a personal thing for me.

I love the line about blogs being an extension of your brain, that is so true – perhaps why mine is so full of nonsense

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Why reasons for not commenting are usually far more likely to be because of time, but yes, if I know something really isn't going to be right for me to read that day then I will avoid it. We have to look after our selves after all, and we've all got our own stuff going on.

Now, I'm off to write another blog post entitled “Paranoia: Why didn't Heather love meeee?? WAHHH!!”

[Reply]
Notes From Lapland Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:05 pm
And i may have to write my own called: Why Didn't Josie notice I wasn't
reading Her Blog? Doesn't She Care? sob.

It does highlight another point entirely though, the days when we are
sitting there wondering why no-one is commenting on our blogs or our stats
are low or whatever (we all do it) we have to bare in mind that it's
probably not about us at all. A good thing to keep in mind. Cheers babe xx

[Reply]
vwallop

YES! I didn't know I felt this way until you said it. I completely understand that blogging is a fabulous tool for blurting your inner feelings, and often I can empathise with what people are saying and sometimes have had a similar experience and can offer something useful, But sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say or contribute yet because of the polite to comment thing I find myself forcing a comment out which probably sounds really banal. I sometimes feel guilty for avoidinga post that I know will be upsetting. But actually, there's no reason I should. Just as it's fine for people to put this stuff out there if they want to, it's also fine for me to not read it if I don't want to.

When I'm sad or depressed I avoid reading any book which might make it worse. I watch comedys on TV, read fluffy novels and listen to perky pop music. So surely that should apply to blog reading too?

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Absolutely! The biggest thing about blogging is CHOICE! We choose what we read, what we respond to, and what we don't. I think the hard thing is when people take those choices very personally, either feeling obligated to keep up with everyone's emotional ups and downs, or feeling hurt if not everyone feels able to comment when you yourself post something personal . I think it's about letting go and acknowledging we all have our emotional limits and respecting that x

[Reply]
http://softthistle.net Marylin

I really love your way of thinking Josie. Spot on!

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Thank you Marylin! Trying very hard not to do my paranoid “what the hell is she wittering on about now” thinking x

[Reply]
themadhouse

I know that I am one of these people, who blogs on an emotional level, but then it is all true, it is a reflextion of me, an extension of me and I refuse to change. I write for me, not for anyone else. Yes I adore my comments, they make a dark dark light, they are the chinks of sun that sometimes just dont get seen. But they are not my reason for being. SO I dont mind if you find it hard, I dont mind if you cant comment, I dont mind if you dont even read it. Just be honost if you are going to comment.

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Your blog is one of the most beautifully raw and open and heartfelt blogs I've ever read. And tempered with the lovely stories of your boys and all the things you do together it makes for wonderful reading. Don't you ever change a thing.

And yes, honest, genuine responses are far more important to me too xx

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http://bakingmadmama.com Baking Mad Mama

Really interesting post Josie. I've noticed recently that my blog is becoming more confessional and emotional than I ever intended it to be. When I do post something quite highly charged I don't blame people if they don't want to comment – as you pointed out sometimes it can be difficult to find the right thing to say. Likewise sometimes I won't comment on a post because I think that anything I say might sound false, if that makes sense.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:12 pm
I think we all go through phases. My blog never used to be this emotional, but it is at the moment cause that's where I'm at. Maybe I'll be in a different place in 6 months and it will shift again. Maybe that's just where you are too

I'm the same with the comments. So many times I half type a comment only for it to sound so not what I'd want to say that I end up deleting it and saying nothing. Maybe that's better? I think so personally.

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http://www.strocel.com Amber

I am OK with emotion, most of the time. Although I try to keep mine mostly level, I don't think that there's any right or wrong. As you say, we need to be authentic to who we are. Your blog reflects you, as it should, and mine reflects me.

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Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Absolutely Amber! And it would be very boring if our blogs were all the same wouldn't it?

[Reply]
emmalou78

I think this is very interesting. I do find sometimes emotional posts very difficult to read, and some days I'm ok with that, and other days I have to stop reading. I feel extremely guilty in doing so…..I know I shouldn't, there's no pressure. But sometimes, I'm not sure I can either a) give that blog the attention it fully deserves and b) I'm so pent up with my own misery, frustration – whatever – that I cannot take anyone elses on.
I'm also concious that maybe my blogs are emotional, and I don't want people to think that I'm a miserable so and so. I didn't blog at all during the month of March, and read the occasional one on here. There was so much going on….my relationship was hanging by a thread, there were serious money issues and I had a rough time at work. Looking back, perhaps I should have blogged, maybe it would have helped. I don't know.
I'm paranoid that I may bring people down, however the blogging lesson I have learned it that it reflects how I'm feeling at the time. If people don't want to read, they won't. Perhaps I should be a bit more open and emotional, or perhaps it's something that will come with time. All I know is I enjoy reading people's blogs, and I hope people enjoy reading mine.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I think a break now and then is just as important. So sorry to hear you've been going through a rough time honey It's your space though, write if it helps, don't if it doesn't. You're not obligated to anyone. I hoe things pick up soon xxx

[Reply]
http://deerbaby.blogspot.com

Very interesting topic. I am split. I'm probably too emotional on my blog – a lot of the comments say 'oh that's sad', or 'oh what a sad story' and like Emmalou78 said above, I don't want people to be constantly brought down by it or avoid it or be known as 'that depressing one.' And actually in the small number of posts I have done, only a handful have been what I would call really sad and I've been consciously trying to mix it up. But then I think – this is how I am. It's my default mode. I think like VWallop said, you want different things for different moods. I like anecdotes, I like things that make me snort with laughter, but also when you click on a post, especially in the Workshop, you really don't know what you're going to get. I can easily have cried three times by 10am. And when I haven't got time to read, I feel like I am shortchanging that person who has spilled their guts for a handful of responses.
It is draining, you're right. I've noticed a lot of the RT's for posts are for the dramatic, really gut wrenching, gruelling, expose your soul ones? Would you agree? Do other people feel (like Sally W was saying) that they should be doing this to keep up? It's a minefield. What I do know is that I do want honesty. By that I don't mean I don't need people to go into detail, I don't need gossip, I don't need people to tell me every last detail, sometimes I would rather it was left opaque. I like your blog and revisit because it is authentic Josie. And you couldn't have chosen a better word for the title.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I'm the same. For me, working what blogs I enjoy, the emotionalness of that blog (I have decided that is a word) isn't what draws me, it's the sense that the person writing is writing honestly and in a way that reflects who they are. I am drawn to people who I feel write genuinely. And yes, I like different blogs on different days, just like I do films and books and everything else.

I think the thing is that when talking about blogs, about choosing what to read and what to engage with, you're also talking about people. When you decide not to read, not comment, it can almost feel a bit like you're rejecting that person and what they're saying. That makes me feel very guilty some days, and with the shoe on the other foot, sometimes a bit hurt when I maybe don't get people responding who I would hope.

But we all have limited time, limited emotional reserves. We can't be there for EVERYONE all the time. I think we have to rely on each other to help support each other if that makes sense.

I'm never sure if people feel like they need to 'bare all' to get more readers. I think you can tell pretty quickly if that's the case. And I think that when someone has been very brave and written something really personal you do want to share it more, in acknowledgement perhaps of what that person has shared. But yes, there is to a risk of it becoming a 'more=better' way of thinking which I don't think is true.

Thank you for your kind comment. For me, I enjoy getting to know someone through their blog, being given glimpses in to all the sides of their personality, their history. That's why I like reading yours – because it means I get to know you better!

[Reply]
http://deerbaby.blogspot.com

And when I say I'm split, I meant I am split about it for me. Not that I think you should change in any way. Sorry – had to make that clear.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 7:32 pm
I got that, don't worry NOT got my paranoid hat on today (or, at least, resisting it for all it's worth!!) Thank you x

[Reply]
britinbosnia

You are spot on here. Really spot on. I sometimes find myself avoiding the more emotional posts if it doesn't suit the mood that I'm in. Other times an emotional post will really hit the spot. I feel guilty for not commenting sometimes, but when I have nothing to say or add then I honestly don't know what to comment. And I think that not commenting at all in that situation is more honest than writing something that doesn't mean anything. Lovely post, thanks for writing it. x

[Reply]
mummylimited

Such a well timed post for me as I've had a bit of a funny week blogwise. Feeling a bit fragile and so have limited the heavy stuff this week. I've still read some of it and enjoyed it but haven't felt much like commenting. Perhaps to caught up in my own thoughts to find the right words. Haven't looked at as much on thw writing workshop or the gallery either and I think that is because there is often some brilliant but emotional stuff to be found. I fully intend to though and that's the great thing. It'll all be there to look at when we are in the right mood. I think many of us take the lack of comments far too personally at times. I love the choice that we have as both readers and writers.

[Reply]
vegemitevix

I never thought of my blog as an emotional one. I always hope that what I write rings true. Sometimes I feel I need to give words to the story. Why? I don't think it's for my own satisfaction or validation, I have my own personal journal for that. I don't need to pour out my feelings onto the screen, but as a writer I want to somehow 'speak my truth'. I certainly don't do it for 'marketing reasons' or to make my blog centre-stage. I have other ways of expressing my marketing skills. As I said to Sally, I believe there's room for a world of readers and bloggers. All different, some funny some sad – sometimes all in the same blog in the same week! I'm grateful for my readers, I can't tell you how much I value them. I hope to give them something to think about, laugh about, sometimes, yes sometimes something perhaps to cry about..just as if I was drinking coffee with them. I gues sometimes the workshop cues raise fairly emotional subjects and memories. Maybe that's only me. I appreciate joining in though and sorry if I'm rambling. I think blogging offers the same world of choice as my bookshelf. I pick n choose what I read sometimes, don't we all?

[Reply]
http://www.andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou.wordpress.com Kerry

I think your post is spot on. I change very quickly I can be doing a very simple post to quite an emotional post within a day and I am aware that it does not suit everyones tastes. I know that when we were going through it with Baba I couldn't overly comment on others emotional blogs, but other days I can. But you are correct, blogging is about choice and I think that we all have to remember that. It is like the news on the tv isn't it, sometimes I can listen to stories other days I find them too hard and it has to be switched off. We all have our own lives and what is happening in them influences what we can deal with in the blogging world.

[Reply]
http://www.theamericanresident.com Michelloui

Your post has inspired me. Ive linked back to you from http://michelloui.blogspot.com today. Thanks for inspiration!

[Reply]
michelloui

Really excellent points–everyone here has said all that I want to say but I'll carry on regardless.

I went away recently with hubby and didnt have easy access to my blog, and even less access to the blogs I regularly read. I found it a refreshing experience. I do love to read blogs and keep up with certain people and be entertained and intellectually stimulated by others, but how relaxing it was to not have access to everyone's ups and downs and just simply their thoughts for a while.

However, on return it wasn't hard or even frustrating getting back into it again. The break was lovely, but thats all I needed, a break, and its nice getting back into the blogging thing again. I love the social network, knowing people are 'out there' and that pretty much most of those people are lovely, interesting, supportive people who sometimes need a bit of love and support back. Even if I am lurking on some sites and have lurkers on mine, its still nice.

(early saturday morning ramblings…!)

[Reply]
northwestlondongirl

I do not write about deep emotions, I look at the flippant side of life, the cheery side, the light side, perhaps there is meaning in that. However I do follow some deeply heartfelt and sometimes very sad blogs, and I do comment when I feel I have something to offer. An interesting topic..

[Reply]
http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/ april

Oddly enough – I actually find it harder to write emotional stuff because I feel guilty about it – but all I am is one great big ball of emotion – so what can I do? If I could NOT wirrte it, I would, but my blog is where I put it so it isn't just running round my head. I think everyone need time out sometimes from blogs and blogging – to step back and just be – in the real world, in real time. Right now the blogs I am doing are keeping me connected to something important but they are just for me, if people comment cool, but they are just to connect me to a point outside of me…
intersting idea this hon and very well written xx

[Reply]
http://www.mummo.co.uk Jo

As always, thanks for a really thought-provoking post Josie. It's helped me to realise why I rarely comment on other people's blogs, although I do read quite a lot. I think part of it is due to the fact that I simply can't think of anything adequate to say that hasn't already been said, and part of is that I just can't 'deal' with the emotions in the post so I move on pretty quickly. But I know that's why I've not been very good at getting into the whole 'community' thing of the blogosphere, because obviously if you don't comment you can't build a relationship with the blogger who wrote the post or the others who read it. I am going to try to change that. At the same time, I think, as you point out, that everyone has the right to write whatever they want and people should be able to comment / not comment as they see fit, no pressure. After all, what's the point of turning the blogging experience into a great big chore?! Unless, I guess, you really want to make it a business in which case there are obviously days when you just have to do your job whether you want to or not!

[Reply]
IotaM

Yes, totally. I think it's partly the sheer number of blogs we all follow. I mean, you wouldn't expect to have intimate conversations of the deep emotional kind with more than a handful of friends in real life, and on a day to day basis, that kind of conversation would probably only take place once every few weeks. But in blogging, you can read that kind of stuff daily, several times over.

Do you think part of it is the obsession with getting numbers of readers and hits? If we followed fewer blogs, we would have more emotional space.

I've found I feel a pressure to leave a comment, when really all I want to say is “I've read this”. So on a couple of blogs, I've said “I'm not always going to always leave a comment, but I will be reading”. That takes the pressure off a bit. Then I don't feel I have to read the post straightaway. I can leave the blog for 2 or 3 weeks, and then go back and read a few posts at a go.

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http://www.chatty-t.blogspot.com/ Tanya (Bump2Basics)

Empathy is so powerful. While it gives me greater depth and understanding, I also find it also can be immobilizing if I don't switch off from it now and again. The beauty of the blogosphere is our ability to exchange, learn and relate but also dip in and out at will. It's harder to do this in day to day relationships, or with the news. Also, as others have said, I often read but don't comment when I feel I don't have the right words to do a comment justice. Blogging should be here to do us good, not to cause undue pressure. Thanks for putting this out there.

[Reply]
http://twitter.com/BethGoodLife its my good life

I'm one of those readers who can only read posts when I'm in the right frame of mind… Some weeks my Google Reader just builds up and builds up, and I just haven't got the energy to read anything.

What you say is so true.

B

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/b4kersgirl b4kersgirl

I'm fairly new to blogging and I'm trying to read various blogs. I feel like I should comment on the ones I read but sometimes I have nothing of any worth to say so would rather not leave a comment than leave one that is pointless and empty

I've tagged you in a meme on my blog http://b4kersgirl.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/whats-…
My recent post Whats in your bag?

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/b4kersgirl b4kersgirl

I'm fairly new to blogging and I'm trying to read various blogs. I feel like I should comment on the ones I read but sometimes I have nothing of any worth to say so would rather not leave a comment than leave one that is pointless and empty

I've tagged you in a meme on my blog http://b4kersgirl.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/whats-…
My recent post Whats in your bag?

[Reply]
http://mdplife.blogspot.com/ Michelle

Wow, what a post, it has really got me thinking and I am having to curb my thinking too as I will start wondering if I am upsetting people with my current series of posts but then right now is a really sad time for me and like you say it is just who I am to be real and pour it all out. For me afterall that is why my blog was born. Thanks for an honest insight Josie. Mich x
My recent post It is hitting me today

[Reply]
Pingback: Homeless | Notes From Lapland
http://www.diaryofafirstchild.com Luschka

I have to deal with so much 'emotion' in my real life with people I have to support in real life that I get a bit blogged out at times. But I still try to pop in just to let people know I was there. I read a lot more than I comment anyway, but I think it's nice of you not to put pressure on your readers to read everything

[Reply]
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/sunflower71 sunflower71

Hello!
It's the first time I'm visiting your blog but I can sense your sincerity. Thanks for writing this way. I coudn't write in any other way although sometimes I edit myself and occasionally ending up not posting anything that day. This post and the discussion that followed in the comments made me think a lot. I want my blog to be authentic, my writing to be me. I think this post is spot on also on what we read and when. Thanks for raising this issue as you have also cleared many ? I had. Take care.

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