Writing Workshop: Making Changes

Welcome back to the Writing Workshop link-up! At the bottom of this post you’ll find the widget to post the link to your workshop posts.

I’ve chosen prompt number 2: Tell me about a time when you had a moment of realisation and knew that something HAD to change…

And it’s funny because that’s always the one I meant to do, although now I’m writing it about something completely different.

Because, coincidently, I had a moment of realisation this week. A big one.

Those of you that read this blog will know that I’ve been struggling with some things lately. Not Kai so much, that is something out of my hands and what will be will be on that score. I know that. However hard I find things with him, whatever the worries that flare up from time to time, I know that I can’t change him. I wouldn’t want to actually, because changing the ‘worrying’ stuff would mean changing everything that made him so unique and special.

And actually, apart from the bad days when I am exhausted and it all gets too much, I feel ok about things with Kai. I do.

It’s me that I’m not so sure about.

I’ve been flailing for a while. I thought I was keeping my head above water. Actually, I thought if I just ignored the fact that I was in the bloody metaphorical sea altogether that I would somehow magically end up on a luxury cruiser somewhere sipping mojitos (which I’m still not entirely sure ARE but sound nice).

In short, I was an idiot. And all the while I was sinking that little bit deeper. To the point where recently, only now and then but more and more often, I was sinking to the point of taking in great big lungfuls.

To the point where I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t breathe this week.

It is hard for me to describe to you how little confidence I have right now. I know that because I write confidently, and even act pretty confidently when you meet me, that you would think I feel that way inside. But I don’t. I am constantly doubting and berating myself, and I’m overwhelmingly afraid, with a fear of failing, of letting people down that is so intense that it’s actually making me too afraid to do anything at all.

Over the years this fear has meant I’ve walked away from some pretty amazing things. And I’m scared that if I don’t deal with it, it will take my writing away too.

And then some things happened this week, just when I was absolutely in the pits of wherever it is my head likes to take me.

These things…

1. Firstly I wrote out some of the bad stuff. It helped, a lot, helped me recover my breath a bit and it gave me room to think, and to gain some perspective on how I was feeling. Most importantly I wrote this poem, which almost burst from me in about fifteen minutes, and which, when I read it back the next morning, left me shaking and sobbing with something like relief.

2. You lot happened. With your comments and your emails and your advice and you always, always supportive and affirming responses. I read them, over and over, and for once I actually listened to what you were saying. I heard it. Like you heard me. Thank you for that.

3. I was pleased with my recent writing. Really pleased and proud of it, and proud in the good sense. It was good. And look Josie, you said your writing was good and your head didn’t explode! No-body died or hated you or tutted that you were so up yourself you could see your own tonsils. No, they didn’t. They said well done, they said you should be proud. In fact they thought you were pretty stupid for not being proud. And they were right.

4. And, most importantly, two people happened. My two best friends.

The first with her bravery and her honesty. My newest best friend who is so like me that it scares me a little, and who is inspiring me every day to try. And I realised that if I was going to have any integrity in supporting her in overcoming her fears, I was going to have to deal with mine. That I owed it to her.

And the other, my oldest best friend (who I can’t link to because she is a weirdo who doesn’t blog), who refuses to let anything stop her, and who is forging her way through life with such an unstoppable, unshakable determination that I am in awe of her everyday. Who is MAKING her dreams come true with sheer stubborn will and immense hard work.

And I admire them both so much. I want to live my life like them. I want to make them proud of me.

And so, under the blue skies yesterday I decided. Things have to change. Right now.

Life is too short. I could die tomorrow, or lose my arms in some freak accident. I could, quite possibly actually, spend the rest of my life battling with these stupid demons. I had a conversation with my dad at the weekend about how fragile life is, how we have to make the most of it, and it really stuck with me.

I want to be free to live and to create and grow. I don’t want to waste my life and my talents. And I want to live with some integrity. How can I can encourage other people to be brave with their creativity if I can’t do it with my own?

So, following the advice of another good friend, who’s opinion I trust absolutely, I’m going to look at seeing a counsellor.

I’ll have to find one that is cheap but I’m sure there are people that offer reduced rates. And I think it could really, really help.

If nothing else it would be a start. A step in the right direction.

And maybe making myself better will make things with Kai better too. We likely have a bumpy ride ahead and Kai is going to need a mum that is strong and who believes in herself to carry him through.

I’m not saying there won’t still be ups and downs, because I’m sure there will, but I am committed to change.

So that’s it. It starts here.

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So now it’s your turn. What prompt did you choose?

1. Write about a nickname you have been given in your life, either an endearing one or perhaps a hurtful one that cut deep. How did that nickname come about? Who gave it to you? What feelings and memories does it conjure up?
- Inspired by Belle Joie who was called something hurtful at work this week.

2. Tell me about a time when you had a moment of realisation and knew that something HAD to change. Did you act on it straight away? Or did it take time?
- Inspired by Keep Calm and Eat Cake and her honest post Tummy Tuck.

3. Have you ever had a paranormal experience? Or has someone you know? How did you interpret what you experienced? If it was someone close to you, did you believe them?
- Inspired by Crystal Jigsaw and her beautiful real-life ghost stories which I so enjoy and by Mari who talked about her dabblings with Tarot recently.

4. Share some memories of a sibling or siblings. How does your relationship with them now differ from when you were kids? For those of you who have perhaps lost a sibling, what do you remember most vividly about them? What things or places remind you of them most?
- Inspired by Mrs Lucia-Wrights BEAUTIFUL and well-crafted poem about her brothers which was one of my favourite posts of last week.

5. Tell us about a random act of kindness, either one you performed or one you received.
- Inspired by Susie at New Day New Lesson and her fantastic new Kindness Club, with weekly prompts challenging you to an act of kindness.

Leave your name and the URL to your post in the MckLinky below (the URL should be to your post not just to your blog) and leave me a comment to let me know you’ve taken part. If you have the time it would be great if you could try and read and comment on at least two other entries. And be kind! It’s supposed to be a bit of fun – we’re not looking for the next Booker Prize winner here.

If you haven’t had chance to respond yet, then you’ve still got till Sunday to enter your link! Or just wait till next week, when there’ll be five brand new prompts to get you thinking.

This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.

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