Mama – part 2.

Mama will you hold me?

Close in to your neck where we fit together so well.

I do not say your name, but I breathe it through my smiles and bright shouts. I say it in my hands on your face as I look at your eyes, open wide, wet and tired.

I am bigger than last time. I have learnt so much. So have you mama.

I have so much to say these days, and you listen, you listen so good. You do not miss one word I say.

You let me fill the space with my words, over and over. My sounds that I love. I know that they are not the same as your sounds, your words, but that is ok. We are not the same, we don’t need to be.

You get that sometimes I need to say the same sounds again and again. The run through my brain, as fast as my legs on the grass, and you KNOW how fast they can go now mama. They run out, and saying them makes me feel better. I love my sounds, I have a sound for everything. It is my thoughts, coming out my mouth to show you everything I am thinking, because you can’t see can you? I have a lots of thoughts, so I have a lot of sounds too.

Sometimes my lips are itchy, they need to play, they need to brrr and brrr as I run around. I like the vibration in my head.  Singing my song, over and over, it makes me happy. It is a good song but it is stuck in my head. Maybe I will sing another song if I find one I like better. Let’s make music together mummy, it is my favourite thing to do right now. You can drum and I can strum and we can sing and sing some more and dance and move and sway. I love to, I love to feel the rhythm in my feet and stamp it out.

I know it seems like we fight a lot, that I am mad at you. And sometimes I am. Because I have to be in charge mama, you know that. I have to make everything just the way I like, or else I get scared and cross. Why should it not be done my way? Why? It should, you know it should. I know better and exactly how everything should be. My way is best.

When I am mad it bubbles in me, just like real bubbles in bath that I say by the way they sound “brrrrbabum” with my fingers making the pop pop sound. The bubbles swirl in my tummy, they tell me I must NOT. So I do not. And my legs and arms, my body tell you so. They are better than words when you are cross, and so is the loudest noise that I can make. It says ‘cross’ that sound. It come from my toes and bubbles up and out in one big loud noise that makes my body feel better. If I kept it in mama I would explode.

You should try it. Maybe it would make your body feel better too.

I see by the lines that run down your face that you worry about me. But you shouldn’t, because I am a-ok. I am me and you are you. And we are the same but different. That is very special. And I don’t want to be like everyone else.

You look so tired mama, tired and sad. Maybe I will worry about you now. Because you know I love you, right? And that there is no other in the whole world that I want to be with every day? Maybe you have sounds in your head that need to get out. You should write them out, it helps, just like drawing my circles over and over helps me too. Make them pretty colours, your words mama, just like me, and make them real and leap and play and be free. Just like you let me be free too.

Mama will you hold me?

And then I can hold you too.

I wrote a post last night, which I took down again this morning in a silly fit of insecurity. I have put it back up again now. Thank you for those that commented and emailed, so much. And for these words especially:

“Josie,

I understand that you feel bad about worrying about your son. This is your wish for a mom who should only see his son in a perfect light, even if it wasn’t the case. the blind love… Your love is big. your love is the reason why you worry. You should not feel guilty about your worry. And you are not a bad mom if you think Kai isn’t perfect. You are not failing him.

You have a lot to give, and you are giving a lot already. You may not see it, but we all do. succeeding isn’t about achieving, but a lot about being. What you are Josie is beautiful. And I’m not talking about the outside and superfluous, but the inside, the depth, the sensitivity, the intelligence…

You know, what i think? I think Kai may help you overcome your fears of failing. It isn’t a easy task, Kai isn’t a easy kid. If he was an easy kid, it wouldn’t challenge you. You know, Kai may be your teacher. What I mean is that he may help you understand things about yourself. He may the “thing” you care so much that you will go all the way through and will eventually realize that love is strong, and that it is all that matters. You won’t be failing him when you love him. With love, you may realize, you have nothing to fear. I’m not saying love equals being a perfect mom. I mean that being a person filled with love, being honest and caring, and yes worrying, is what makes you a worthy person for your son.

I’m so deeply convinced, you are in fact the ideal mom for Kai… the moms you meet who are so sure of themselves and can “manage” their littles are SO not the right mom for Kai. Kai needs your sensitivity, your own painful experiences, your ability to listen, to tune in your inner self, to stand and raise above the differences. He will need that from you. And in return, he will show you that being Good and successful is not where you expect it to be. It’s already beautiful, Josie. How many do you know would improvise a gesture language to communicate with Kai? Your way to embrace your son for who he is and trying (struggling) to understand him is already beautiful, Josie.

There is beauty in imperfection. there is humanity. invaluable gift. You don’t see until it is in the ones you love so deeply.”

Thank you Eric. You will never know how much that meant to me xxx

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