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Posted by on Apr 16, 2010 in Uncategorized | 40 comments

I lie in sickly soft fluorescent glow,
numb in mind but not in bone.
Ten marathons run hard and long
in just one day and night.

My eyes are fixed on the plastic crib
for signs of life, for need. I do not know you
yet my every nerve is tuned
to each new foreign snuffle sound.

And then, a cry. I pounce
and join you in your wail as stitches pull,
looking down in shock at this strange weight
my arms have never known.

A red mouth opens wide with rage.
The blood-loss shakes me empty, cold.
This rigid, curled tight horror that you are.
My world turned inside-out.

_______________________

I know that some of you may find this poem rather shocking. It was the second poem I wrote this week for my assignment based on the study of autobiographical memory, prompted by my reading of a wonderful, healing book called ‘What Mother’s Do’ by Naomi Stadlen that explores feelings experienced after childbirth in one of its early chapters.

I love my son, I hope that fact shines from the pages of this blog, but when thinking back to the first few hours after his birth, my memories weren’t those of love, or sudden infatuation, or that magical sense of ‘knowing’ this beautiful new baby in my life. No, my memories were of shock, fear, confusion and complete bewilderment at what on earth I was supposed to do with this thing that I had absolutely no understanding of.

I wanted to share this because I know many, many other mothers feel the same, and that those early emotions are often hard to acknowledge or to talk about.

And I wanted to say that I think it is ok that we feel like this. That shock at such a life-changing event is a normal part of the process, that MOST women feel like this, some dads too. But at the same time, from these terrifying first beginnings, most parents build a deep, powerful and deeply satisfying love for their children and a confidence in their parenting abilities. And it takes time, for some much longer than you would expect, and that too is normal. We’re not talking days here, we’re talking weeks, even months.

Nearly two years on and I’m still getting used to my little stranger to be honest. But knowing that my love for him is something that wasn’t exactly given to me on a plate, but is something that I worked for, nurtured, grew, makes it all the more precious and significant to me. A love hard-won and all the deeper for it.

How about you? How does your experience of early parenthood compare? Did it take you some time to move past that shock and overwhelming feeling of being out of your depth? Or was it a gentler transition?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have put together a page with a selection of some of my recent poetry which can now be accessed from the page menu at the top and to act as an archive for some of the work I may have previously shown here. There you’ll also find the finished edit of the ‘Accidental Meeting’ poem I shared with the workshop yesterday, if you fancied a read. Thank you for all your feedback, encouragement and support. It really helps me in developing my work and gives me the confidence to keep going. Special thanks to Deer Baby and Muddling Along for their time and feedback yesterday x

Related posts:

  • http://mochabeaniemummy.blogspot.com/ Jay

    Wow. Just…wow.

    Oddly enough, I envy that you managed to build such a fantastic love for your son, which wasn't there in the beginning. I know that feeling, that feeling of everything else but overwhelming love from the beginning. Sadly, PND made sure that overwhelming feeling of love stayed away too long, and now I struggle to bond so well with my first. A hard-won love indeed, and as you have found yours, I hope one day to find mine and enjoy it like you do.

    Fantastic poem Josie, well done.

    xxxx

    [Reply]

    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    :( It is so hard. Seeing you with N makes me pretty sure you're going to be ok though :) We don't have to be perfect in our loving them, just there and doing our best. You are a super-star mummy my friend and I will never let you forget it.

    Thank you x

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    april Reply:
    April 17th, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Me too- with my first – that bond just isn't there yet and I'm very scared it never will be – it was all too new, too scary – she would only sleep for her father, never for me and so feircely independant. I was terrified. And I still don't know how to deal with her…how to feel, how to act.

    I am amazed by your writing Josie – it reminds me a bit of 'tulips' but I'm not sure why…. brilliant work.
    xxx

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  • http://www.notesfromsarahsdesk.blogspot.com Sarah

    Great poem Josie.

    I bonded with Jonno right from the word go, which isn't to say that I didn't struggle to come to terms with having to always think of his needs before mine. Now – as he nears his 11th birthday – he needs me less and less, and I know I'm going to struggle to let him gain greater and greater independence from me. Hey ho though, the lot of a mother. xx

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    How lovely that you had such an instant bond! That must have helped get through those difficult early days. The letting go is equally hard as the bonding I guess. Like you say, such is motherhood! Thank you for your comment.

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  • debcarrots

    Glad the book has helped Josie.

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    It's been wonderful Deb, thank you so much for lending it to me. Wish I had had it from the beginning :)

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  • Susie

    What a beautifully written poem – congratulations! You have summed up the total bewilderment that is many women's first experience of parenthood.

    I remember buzzing the mid-wife when my first started to cry, hours after being born. She told me that my baby just wanted a cuddle – now why didn't I realise that?!? I will never forget cosying up with this strange little creature and singing “Twinkle Twinkle” to her – it remained a comfort to her for many years. Through all the trials and tribulations of motherhood (it never seems to get easier, the struggles just change over time) I often return to this moment and remind myself that sometimes it is the really simple & obvious things that work.

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Absolutely Susie. I had so many moments like your lovely “Twinkle Twinkle” moment. I would be exhausted, numb, empty , but then we would sit down to feed, and he would do something funny with his face, or clasp my finger and I would get that sudden rush of feeling. Everything I have built from those moments.

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  • http://jfb57.wordpress.com/ JFB57

    I can still remember my stomach 'dropping' when the Dr said 'It's a boy'! I had been there 29 hours & after all that, it was a BOY! I wasn't completely sure that I wanted a girl until that moment. Family visited very quickly & I just went into the 'performance' that I thought they expected of being delighted. I love my son dearly & it didn't take too long for us to become friends BUT….I was very worried that not only could I not breast feed but I wasn't going to be able to like him either.
    Thank you for this Josie.

    [Reply]

    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    I remember 'performing' too and on the inside I was so frightened and overwhelmed! It takes time to get to know anyone though doesn't it? Even a teeny baby? This myth of instant connections makes a lot of women worry they're missing something I think x

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  • http://www.christinemosler.wordpress.com/ Thinly Spread

    An incredible piece. I think your voice will be heard in many women's minds. For many of us holding our first child is the first time we have ever held a baby. Everyone assumes that we will know what to do, how to react, how to love but it isn't a given. Well done. xxx

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Thank you Christine. For my best friend it was exactly that – she was handed her baby and it was the first time she had ever held one! I watch her now, such a competent and loving mum of her two girls. What a journey we go through huh?

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  • Mrs Redboots

    The thing I remember was not loving, but being incredibly proud of myself: LOOK what I've just done, aren't I CLEVER! And now that baby expecting the first grandchild…. what will her reaction be? What will mine be?

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    What a fantastic reaction! I don't think I felt that till later – I was so focused on trying to feed and feeling like I was failing so miserably. But I do remember a time later when I felt that pride. It seemed like a miracle.

    Congratulations on your impending arrival! Grandchildren are a whole new adventure I'm sure. How exciting! Good luck to your baby :)

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  • http://singleparenthoodbygappy.blogspot.com/ gappysinglemum

    Bloody hell Josie. Your poetry is brilliant. I mean really brilliant – do you know that?

    As for what you wrote after – well I touched on how long the bonding process took with my first child on the first post of mine that you ever read and commented on. It was a long and extremely painful process. But we got there in the end you know? I have learned so much that is valuable from being his mother.

    [Reply]

    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Thank you Gappy. I'm getting there :) Rapidly falling in love with the whole concept of poetry – it seems such a natural form of expression. I'm totally hooked, but feel like I have so much more to learn.

    And yes I remember your post. It's what drew me to your blog. I love to read honest accounts of motherhood – it makes me feel sane and normal. So thank you x

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  • vwallop

    You've done it again Mrs. It's beautiful and I can completely identify with this. I can very clearly remember the midwife tucking me up in bed on the first night after Eve was born and saying “you're a mummy now”. All I could think was how can I if I don't feel like one? I remember lying in bed looking at her and thinking, who is this little alien, how can she be mine? It took a long time for that feeling to pass. I feel a little bit tearful now thinking about it.

    You've summed up that feeling perfectly. If you're not a real published poet one day, I'll eat my hat. When you are, I'll brag to my friends that I knew you before you were famous.

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Thank you SO much. Do you know how much that means to me? I don't think you do. Quite how one BECOMES a published poet I have no idea. But once this course ends I'm going to hit the competition trail and see what happens.

    And remember, I'm going to need someone to come to all my fancy launch parties in London aren't I? ;) x

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  • Mrs Lucia-Wright

    You are a phenomenal writer. I am in awe. Truly brilliant. x

    [Reply]

    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you so much! You are so kind :) I'm not so good with the confidence so feedback like yours really does mean a lot x

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  • http://www.strocel.com Amber

    I remember feeling very shell-shocked and unsure following the birth of my first child. I did not look at her and immediately feel bliss and infatuation, like I thought I would. On the contrary, I felt tired and completely inadequate to the new challenge.

    Thankfully, things were much better with my son. And things GOT much better with my daughter. But it didn't come as easily as I thought it would.

    [Reply]

    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    I am really, really curious to see how differently I feel next time around :)

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  • http://rosiescribble.typepad.com/ Rosie Scribble

    Brilliant poem, Josie. After my daughter was born I sat in a state of total shock on a chair just outside the maturnity ward. My daughter was in SBCU. At one o'clock in the morning a nurse asked me if I was okay. I then asked if I could see my baby. I'd been sitting there for three hours. xx

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Thank you Rosie. Experiences like yours, with IJ so poorly, must have made the whole thing so much more confusing and overwhelming. I can't imagine, I really can't.

    And Happy Birthday to you lovely lady. Hope you've had a good day x

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    Rosie Scribble Reply:
    April 17th, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    I have had a good day thanks. And look at IJ now! xx

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  • http://1husband2kidsandlotsofbooks.blogspot.com/ 1husband, 2 kids

    This is such a powerful, emotive piece – you write so well. I remember vividly standing at the end of my bed looking into the moses basket at my son and wondering what on earth I'd done, and how on earth I was going to cope – given that you can't really 'give them back'. We bonded well in the end and I love him to bits but I remember that overwhelming feeling so well. And yes, your love for Kai totally comes across in your blog.

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    Josie Reply:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Thank you. It does me good to hear people say they felt the same :)

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  • http://www.readilyaparent.com/ Dara

    That is the most brilliant poem I've EVER read by any mother. Seriously. It's perfect. The feeling and the words are perfect but so is the crafting of the poem itself. You obviously do your best work under the gun!
    Strangely, I felt pretty much instant love with my first, but my second, I was a little ambivalent, kind of worried, not upset or stressed but sort of numb. It's hard to remember now to tell the truth as those first days are such a jumble of feelings. I do remember being afraid to leave the hospital with her.
    My third was just sort of “well I've done it again.” There was love but also a sense of unreality perhaps because he wasn't born from me but ripped from me.
    I feel like all of my feelings should have been stronger, more delineated, but everything is jumbled and half-felt/half-dreamt.

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  • notesfromlapland

    This is wonderful Josie and something I think many of us felt. I remember lying there in that hospital bed feeling alone and abandoned with a little person that just wouldn't stop crying. I didn't have a clue what to do, was frightened and desperately wishing I could rewind the clock 10 months. you touched a nerve there my dear, but in a good way :)

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  • youngmummy

    This is the kind of poem I could imagine studying, making pencil notes in the margins of the book, ready for my next seminar.

    That first night, alone in hospital, with two new babies is one I'll never forget. The line 'yet my every nerve is tuned' sums it up perfectly. I feel like it took me six months to start to feel that deep deep deep maternal love for my babies. I loved them from the start, but was also terrified of them, and angered by them in equal measure.

    This last week I have found myself gazing at them in absolute wonder, and just wanting to smother them with kisses every single moment they're awake. For me, I think I needed to get to know them, and to see their little personalities start to develop before I could truly bond with them.

    Fantastic poem, I may even print it out and stick it up on my noticeboard.

    x

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  • makedomum

    Wow, your poem perfectly describes those first days in hospital when I had K. I didn't have an immediate bond (I posted about that here http://makedomum1.blogspot.com/2010/01/bonding….) and at the time I was ashamed at not feeling more towards my baby. Thanks to you and others sharing their experiences I now see that it was quite normal to feel how I did.
    And yes, it's very obvious how much you love your son!

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  • http://www.littledodo.co.uk/blog/ maddydodo

    I felt utter shock after giving birth to my first. Yes I loved him but I felt totally shell-shocked and overwhelmed – where was this feeling of euphoria I'd heard so many people talk about?! However, the feelings I had after the birth of my second son were totally different – those first minutes, hours and days afterwards were fantastic beyond compare. I was beyond euphoric. It was just incredible. I hope that you, Josie and everyone else who had a hard time first time round have the experience I did after my second. I love my boys equally though. Always have, always will.

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  • http://www.littledodo.co.uk/blog/ maddydodo

    Should have said – brilliant poem and thanks, as always, for the honesty. I wish I'd known my experience first time round was so normal!

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  • http://weewifie.blogspot.com/ WeeWifie @ WeeWifie's World

    everyone has said my feelings on this poem too.. not much more I can say.. truly magnificent. fabulous poem.

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  • http://shewasnotatalldomestic.blogspot.com/ mummy bear

    gosh yes. beautiful poem. And yes, My first few hours with P I just wanted someone else to take her away so I could sleep. In fact this feeling stayed for the first few weeks. I was in shock, not love. Traumatised rather than full of affection.

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  • http://www.susankmann.co.uk Susan Mann

    What beautiful poems, I can so relate and felt pretty much the same way. But people interprete things and feelings differently. You are very brave. xx

    [Reply]

  • http://www.dadsarealwayswrong.com Mike

    As a father, the birth of my first child I was overwhelmed by 100's of emotions at once. Love, Joy… and a thought of, “Dear Lord, what have I done?”

    The first time the baby looked up in my eyes though, all the fear vanished. I can relate totally

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  • http://mwaonline.blogspot.com Mwa

    Takes me about a year to get to know a baby. I hate all the myths that surround motherhood, where everything is perfect and effortless.

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  • Fiona Harnett

    Hi – I love your writing. By chance I read your post last night – I thought about commenting, and decided not to – you don't know me thoughts came into my head, what good can I do. This morning I was still thinking about your post (sign of good writing), and decided to add my thoughts for what they're worth! My boy's are now 14 and 16, there have been so many times I have wondered about what is normal and what is not. There were question marks over the size of elder sons head, during my pregnancy, and when he was born the health visitor told me to plot his head size on a graph. I looked up what it could be, and talked to my doctor ( who advised the same). With lack of sleep and being at home on my own – I became neurotic! – not a day went past without me measuring his head! Just by chance (we had been given an appointment with a specialist children's doctor for something else) I mentioned the problem. He was able to tell me right away that my son just had a big head – and there was no question of anything being wrong.

    What I'm trying to say is take your worries seriously, but get an opinion from somebody who really knows. I regret the time I spent obsessing over things my health visitor, doctor, husband, mother said.

    I could ramble on, on this subject but wont!! – wishing you all the best Maisey's Attic

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