Toddler Wars
Posted by Josie on Apr 6, 2010 in Uncategorized | 43 comments
I can feel it building. I’m getting a sixth-sense for it these days. You’d think that would give me a fighting chance of being able to avoid it.
Sometimes, yes. But not today.
We’re in the supermarket for starters. Always a bad idea, especially after an afternoon of tears and frustration, building, building. But we need groceries and I thought, stupidly, that a change of scene would cheer him up.
I didn’t even bother with the pushchair this time, not fancying having to force him, plank-like into the harness, knowing he would fight to get out the whole way round. I figured I would let him potter round with us as we picked up the few things that we need. We’d let him put things in the basket. The supermarket was quiet. It would be ok.
But of course Kai didn’t want to potter. Kai wanted to run. Fast, and in the exact opposite direction to the one we were heading.
“Look Kai, let’s go and find Daddy. Let’s go and find some CHEESE!” Squatting down, I try not to twist Kai’s arm as he pulls away, my face locked into a big smile as I try to catch his attention.
It’s not happening. He won’t look at me. He pulls and pulls, twisting and wriggling to get free of me, digging the fingers of his free hand under mine to prise me off him. And then he’s off.
Shit, when did he get so fast?
I chase. I try and distract. I smile. I plead. I try to lead him back, calling instructions to Ant down the aisles for things we need.
Nope. Not happening.
Again and again, he breaks free and runs and runs. Narrowly avoiding trolleys and people’s feet, making a bee-line for the checkouts, the furthest point he can run in a straight line. I scrabble after him, murmuring apologies, calling his name. Each time I catch him, he fights and pulls. His grumbles turning into a low whine, gaining momentum.
This time I’ve had enough. I pick him up.
His body stiffens as he takes in a lung full of air and lets it out in one outraged scream, kicking his shoes into my stomach, pushing down on my hip bone as he arches and pushes.
I’m not letting go.
“Come on mister, time to find Daddy”.
Catching up to Ant and the screams keep coming as he fights me. Outraged, the anger and frustration expressed with every jerk and tense of his little muscles.
“Let’s just get the shopping and go ok?”. I do my best to keep a hold of him, struggling to keep a grip of this writhing ball of fury. Why is he so angry? Why does this seem to happen so often these days?
I can’t keep hold of him. I set him down. Crouching down to try and calm him, reason with him.
But he’s gone, lost in his own world.
He won’t stand up, he won’t be held. He writhes and kicks on the cold floor, in the middle of the supermarket aisle, his screams louder and louder, over and over, his dad’s soothing words lost in the noise.
We look at each other, helpless. Why here? Why now? What the hell are we supposed to do with him?
I feel my world closing in.
Kai is not the only one sensitive to lights and noise. The noise of the supermarket mixes with the sound of Kai’s screams as I try to hold him, calm him down. The fleourescent light making my head throb, my ears burning, my cheeks burning.
He is so loud. Everyone is looking. I can’t get him under control.
We debate taking him back to the car, but we have half a basket of shopping. We only need a few things. We’ll push on. He’s bound to give up in a minute.
I pick him and trail round the rest of the supermarket wrestling with Kai, the pitch and desperation of his protests getting more and more intense.
He won’t stop, he can’t stop.
It takes all my strength to hold him. Fists push against my chest. Feet in my stomach, in my ribs.
We bump into a friend. He tries to stop and chat and say hello. I smile faintly through the tangle of waving arms and thrashing blonde hair. It takes all my willpower not to snap at him. Do we look like we have time to chat? Ant why are you talking to him! Come on! Let’s go! Move move move!
We pass mothers with their toddlers sat demurely in supermarket trolleys, in pushchairs, contentedly chatting and waving toys, eating snacks. We have never had that. Why the hell have we never had that?
My ears are numb from the sound of the angry siren in my arms. It goes on and on. Why isn’t he calming down? He’s barely taking a breath. The screams coming in wave after wave.
It’s probably been ten minutes, fifteen max, but I feel like I have been here, listening as his wails echo off the high ceilings, avoiding people’s rue smiles or annoyed frowns, for hours and hours.
Come on come on nearly there. I bark out items on my internal shopping list. My pace quickning, faster and faster, Ant almost running to keep up, the pounding in my head a dull, heavy throb.
At last we are done. Ant pays as I manoeuvre as still-screaming Kai through the check out queue and out, out into the fresh air. I take in a lung full, propelling us both across the car park by sheer adrenaline to push him down into the waiting car seat where at last he quiets, turning to stare morosely out the window, his face red and wet and blotchy.
The pain in my head shoots down my neck, my jaw unclenching. I ache all over, my muscles knotted and tense.
And that was my afternoon.
I know it gets better. I know. I know that no language means no way for him to tell me what it was he wanted. I know that he was probably tired, or that he was teething, or hungry, or if I’d done something differently, picked up on his cues a little better, it would have been fine. I know supermarkets are a trigger for him, like lots of other things. I should know better.
But he’s 21 months old for christ’s sake. We’ve not even hit two yet. Already in the physical fight of mummy vs. Kai, Kai is winning by sheer brute force of will. Give him another year to get bigger and stronger.
I don’t stand a fricking chance.
How do you people do this?!
-
http://clinicallyfedup.com/
-
I feel for you! I have done many a tescos shop with my eldest over my shoulder having a tantrum, she started having them at 18months old but on the plus side she grew out of them earlier aswell. She used to head butt walls/bite herself was awful.
Dont take it personally sometimes you just cant avoid them, I have found ignoring them as much as you can they only way to deal with them or at least not make them worse.
We used to have big cuddles after as i think they just to take her by surprise aswell!!
She had a speech delay and frustration played a big part, but they passed even before her speech improved. Dont get me wrong she still has them sometimes but no way near as bad, even the nursery were shocked at the force of her tantrums!
Just remember its a stage, it will pass! unforunately the worst ones are when your out and about, its easy to ignore them at home, and then you have the buggy dilema they hate it, will it cause a tantrum by putting them in it? but if the start tantruming when your out the buggy is a life saver (at least you dont have to carry them..)arghhhh! good luck, it will get betterx
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 9:23 pmThis too shall pass – the mummy mantra! God I hope so. I'm loving all the fun stuff that comes with toddler hood but his tantrums are reaching a pitch these days that I find hard to handle.
In hindsight, Kai screaming in a buggy would have been preferable to the horrible wrestling match
I'm thinking of just avoiding all public places for a year or two as a compromise 
[Reply]
-
http://softthistle.net/
I can't take Max walking around supermarkets at all either. He just runs off and wants to do what he wants. Luckily he loves his buggy though, and enjoys even more to sit in the trolley.
I felt like I was there with you, you write so eloquently.
It will get easier eventually – once they can talk it has to get easier, right?
*hugs* xx
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 9:26 pmI hope so! Thank you. He HATES anything that holds him in. We even tried one of those shopping trolleys with the plastic cars on the front that they can sit in one time… TOTAL DISASTER. It just became another thing for him to fling himself from, at speed. Urgh.
I shall look back at this time and laugh one day. HAHAHAHA <– cue rather manic laughter.
x[Reply]
-
http://www.juicytots.co.uk/
Toddlers are all about control, they are control freaks and like to do things in their own quirky, kooky, annoying way especially when it is the most inconvienient to you. Kai probably just felt like running and when you chased him felt it was a game. If supermarkets are a big trigger perhaps either shop online or if you are both with him, one do the shopping and the other “play” with Kai as you go round. Give Ant a head start and take your time getting out of the car etc. Maybe take a favorite teddy or toy car or something you can use as a distraction half way round. I don't have the answers, I have felt exactly how you felt today on many occasions, its almost like they can spot a weakness & choose that moment to really kick off! I would get down and look into his face and say, “if you run off I WILL put you in the trolley” and then if he does, strap him in the trolley, end of story. I think you need to think of what could happen and then how you will handle it prior to the event arising, that way you will feel more in control of the situation should it occur.
Don't know what else to say really, but I have been there…. 3 times now & I still don't know!!
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 4:39 pmYou are my hero with three! I honestly don't think there is a solution – we seem to have tried everything lately. Just got to ride it out I guess! But yes, next time we are taking the pushchair of a trolley and if he doesn't behave I will tie him in. At least I wouldn't have to wrestle him then! I'll just take earplugs and dark glasses
Thanks hun x
[Reply]
-
http://singleparenthoodbygappy.blogspot.com/
Oh god you poor thing – sounds like you had an absolute nightmare. I'm afraid I don't have any constructive advice really – supermarket tantrums are the worst kind in my experience – I can just remember feeling so judged and stressed. It sounds to me like you dealt with it really well though. Does he like being in a backpack? You could try that if your back can take it…
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 4:49 pmIt's definitely not much fun. There's something about the way the screams echo round those high ceilings too… *shudder*
Good thinking about the sling. He's a bit hit and miss these days as to whether he likes it (and weighs a TONNE) but might be worth a try.
[Reply]
-
http://pregnancyfitnessinsurrey.com/
That sounds like the supermarket trip from hell. You poor things. I don't know which is worse – the 'rue smiles' or the 'annoyed frowns'. Either way, if you're going to ignore anyone, ignore them first! Lots of sympathy & very little helpful advice from me… sorry!
[Reply]
-
http://www.eggscreamandhoney.com/
This seriously takes me back to my own experiences with my son. He walked (or should I say ran) from 9 months. It was a nightmare. Could never catch him. He was always a few paces ahead. The supermarket was one of the worst places. I developed an eyeball popping out of my head pursed lip angry stare that use to frighten my daughters but just made him wriggle more. The worst was on a plane when he wriggled during meal time and managed to hurl my tray full of food and drink across the aisle. It landed on some poor unsuspecting man in a suit. He was not impressed. I can laugh about it now but I spent a lot of my son's first years in tears. You do get through but god it's hard! So feel for you. Any concellation he's a bit of a sweetheart now. I have to admit one of my coping mechanisms was also eyeballing the starers and the tutterers as I call them. Dare them to say anything and they will normally look away. It helps to vent anger and frustration to!! Although I probably shouldn't be encouraging such anti-social behaviour. But people can be so self righteous. Good luck x
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 5:35 pmOh my word, the thought of Kai on a plane is bringing me out in a cold sweat! We can *just* about manage a 35 minute train ride if he's allowed to walk round a bit and kept plied with snacks!
It is hard. On the days where all that energy is channelled into being full of fun I love it, but it's so hard getting it right with him
[Reply]
-
http://www.adventuresofanenglishmum.blogspot.com/
-
Ok I've got three different experiences – No 1 Son was also very hyper-stimulated by fluro lights, noises, sounds etc at the supermarket. He was however absolutely 'into' numbers so I tried to get his attention by pointing out the signs/patterns that he found interesting. I also tied him into the supermarket trolley with a Kapoochi – though I don't know if you have those. (like a full-harness)
By the time Dark Princess came along I had two of them and DP was really fast. She would disappear in a flash and wouldn't be constrained. I had a hand-strap that slipped over her little hand and got her to hold it (like she was in control). If she did the tanty thing I'd do the 'firm cuddle' approach! I would hold her firm so she couldn't move until she calmed!
Third one was easy peasy. She was the perfect child. She had absolutely no routine, she ate on the run, in the carseat (usually) whilst I was dropping her brother and sister to school or kindy.
I reccommend you have your third child first, it's a whole lot easier!! xx
[Reply]
-
IT happens to everyone. My daughter quite deliberately peed her pants while sitting in the shopping cart once in an act of defiance. I thought something was leaking, turns out I had a cart full of pee covered groceries. Oh the joy! Thanks for sharing, we can all relate.
[Reply]
-
How do i do it? Exactly like you've described. So not much help there then! I keep stopping going to the supermarket with my 2.5 year old. But then, every now and again some random deluded demon pops thoughts into my head, ” it'll be fine this time, it'll be a change of scenery/distraction/fun (??!!)” Every time, I come back wondering where all the other children are like my one? All I see are the quiet compliant (strapped in!) children. Where are all the other children who want to run up and down and round about and scream and yell and fall to the ground? The best I can hope for is walking on all 4s pretending he is an elephant. And my other-half always answers the same: they're at home, waiting for the online shopping to get delivered.
[Reply]
-
http://princessl.co.uk/
-
http://www.twitter.com/myautisticson
oh boy, it's nearly impossible to reason them, when children have meltdowns…
I liked what vegemitevix said.
One tentative way is to distract and them focus on something else.. The challenge is to compensate for the senses. Counting may work (before the meltdown). Another strategy is to have him listening to music or watch a video on a portable device, or anything he can bury his mind into. It 'can' be like magic. If it's really bad and they can't help it. My wife got many deliveries at home, it saved her a few gray hairs. lol[Reply]
-
Poor you. Horrid afternoon.
I think (in answer to your question) I was a serial avoider of difficult situations. If the supermarket was likely to be a nightmare, I avoided it. Sounds like you do quite a bit of that already, and of course it's not always possible (or desirable?) to build your life round the child in everything. But for my own sanity, and for happiness all round, it seemed the best option to me.
[Reply]
-
Were you in Morrisons yesteray? Seriously, Car decided to throw one of these sodding tantreums yesterday afternoon because she wanted to run around. Me being horrible mum nearly yanked her arm out of her socket and grabbed her before she dashed out and carried her screaming and kicking out of there – luickily we had finished. I now have a bruised neck and shoulder!!
Children grow out of them and it will get better.
BNMx[Reply]
-
http://mochabeaniemummy.blogspot.com/
-
http://www.blipfoto.com/dollhouse
Hee hee. You are brilliant, I loved reading this, because as you know (and I know you know), this was/is Lucy.
I can remember several incidents of Lucy lying on the floor of a supermarket screaming at me 'But I need my cakey NOW DARLING!!!! DARLING!! Where is my cakey darling??!!' and people walking past staring in outrage/confusion/puzzlement at this very small, VERY loud and very angry little thing who is addressing her (clearly clueless) mother as 'darling' in the middle of an epic tantrum. I can hear them now, muttering away 'Good lord, look at that precocious child…completely out of all control…'
Hee hee. Love that girl. Love Kai. XXX
P.s. Jay: Loved your *cough* eBay, he hee.
[Reply]
-
-
http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/
-
http://twitter.com/susankmann
-
http://www.littledodo.co.uk/blog/
-
http://noblesavage.me.uk
Online shopping is your friend. Or, as Abby suggested, one of you shop and the other just play with Kai, letting him explore (within reason of course). From 18 months to 3 is the worst bit for being in public so I just avoid it whenever I can but when we must I try to plan ahead and go at the ideal time, with snacks, a 'new-to-them' toy to hold in the trolley/buggy and a firm set of rules. A little bit of bribery never hurt either. A shopping trip with no running away or screaming on the floor earned my daughter a Kinder Egg on more than one occasion.
[Reply]
-
-
http://weewifie.blogspot.com/
-
-
-
http://lovemybabyuk.blogspot.com/
That's good to know! Whether I survive the process is another matter entirely 
Josie Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
The minute they invent supermarket trolleys with full harnesses instead of those stupid over the lap ones I am there. He can wriggle out of anything that doesn't provide full body restraint!!
Urgh. I'm fine with being Meanie-Bobeanie. The ignoring part I find soooo much harder. He seems to scream at the exact pitch that makes my nerve endings fizz!
[Reply]
MrsW Reply:
April 7th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
That's cos you're his Mum – it's evolutionary adaptive for you to respond
See other people's kids screaming blue murder? Washes right over me lol
[Reply]