Thin Skin

I don’t make it a secret on this blog, or outside of it, that I can be a bit over-sensitive sometimes. It’s just who I am I guess.

My feelings get hurt easily. I bounce back pretty quick, but I am easily affected by people’s words and comments. They stick with me, rattle around in my brain for days afterwards, losing all sense of proportion. I can’t pretend to be some kind of tough cookie because, well, I’m not.

I don’t know how to be, frankly.

It’s worse when I’m tired, which is often.

I was tired today.

So here’s the thing.

If you’re open about your feelings, both in real life and when writing a blog like this, do you open yourself up to opinion? To judgement?

Do you ask for it? Implicitly?

You put something out there, a worry or a point of view, to someone you’re talking to maybe, or through something you write. And the instinct of the person listening or reading is to give you their point of view.

Of course it is. Why else would you be sharing how you’re feeling, if it wasn’t to hear advice or something back?

Why wouldn’t you just keep your feelings to yourself, or write them down in a private journal where no one could read them?

Because, it’s lonely. That’s why.

Sometimes you need to share. Sometimes you need to spill out your feelings because actually? They are eating you up and you need to get them out. You need affirmation that what you are feeling is ok.

That’s why we talk to people. For most of us, that’s why we blog too.

But conversations aren’t passive. Blogging is not passive. It is responsive. It is interactive.

Sharing invites comments. Comments that carry much potential for understanding, connection, for saying “I hear you”. But also, if you’re like me, that equally carry the potential for hurt feelings, and more self-doubt or feeling judged.

How do you win this battle?

Don’t share? Keep it all inside? Push people away?

Or share. Get it out. And then have to deal with the risk, with the inevitable aftermath.

Is it worth that risk?

Do you just have to get thicker skin?

What if you can’t?

It’s a tough one.

I don’t know how to win this one.

P.S. Those of you that have got in contact recently sharing your similar experiences and kind words, this post is not about you. Please don’t feel that.

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sarawith4

The way you are so honest and open is the reason I read your blog. You are human and I love that. Never change, yes it is scary but it makes your writing so much better for it xxxx

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Thank you Sara. I'm glad. I'm not very good at being anything else but honest, but I don't know whether that's always a good thing – at least, not always a good thing for me! x

[Reply]
http://www.andthenallithoughtaboutyou.wordpress.com/ Kerry

I don't have the answers I am sorry, but just wanted to send you a great big hug. xxx

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Thank you Kerry. And you know, sometimes? That's what I most need to hear xxxx

[Reply]
http://insomniacmummy.com/ Insomniac Mummy

You are just fantastic exactly the way you are, insecurities and all Josie. That;s what makes you, you.

Don't go changing or worry that perhaps you should be anything other than the talented, lovely, ambitious, brilliant and sometimes insecure person that you are.

((Hugs))

xxx

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Thank you Ellie, that means a lot x

[Reply]
http://mochabeaniemummy.blogspot.com/ Jay

See, I was GONNA comment, and be all original and stuff, but it turns out people beat me to it. And said it better too. And you really should listen to them too. And also, it's YOUR blog and you should write what the HELL YOU LIKE.

(need I bring up the “good blog bad blog” saga again? heheheh)

If people don't like it, well then they just shouldn't read. And if they choose to leave miserable comments, then it's clear they have nothing better to do.

Now, on the subject of honest blogging, you should blog about bacon and KFC.

Just sayin'.

Love you. xxxx

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:09 pm
The KFC story is definitely one I need to blog about.

Love you too x

[Reply]
http://softthistle.net/ Marylin

I know that feeling. Oh so well. It's a hard thing to balance out isn't it? I love reading your blog, having only just found it, I've read the last couple months worth of posts… I'm hooked!

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Thank you so much Marylin! You know, for all the days I find this blogging business so hard, comments like yours – new people, and new blogs to get to know (and yours is GORGEOUS! consider yourself subscribed lady!), that's what makes it worth it.

[Reply]
http://www.chatty-t.blogspot.com/ Tanya (Bump2Basics)

I guess it's a risk/reward dilemma. Is the reward of enriching conversation & understanding gained by putting your thoughts and feelings into the blogosphere worth the potential risk of sometimes feeling judged or stirred up by this very conversation?

This is a very personal decision but I believe that there is often an element of risk in all really great things…take love for example. In order to experience its greatness you open yourself up in a way that could lead to heartache. It's not about changing who you are but about reaching a comfortable balance of opening up based on who you are and what you are comfortable with sharing/discussing/debating.

I feel vulnerable at times in the blogging world – will my words resonate with anyone? will anyone comment and if so what will they say? – but the satisfaction I get from writing my blog and exploring/commenting on others makes this vulnerability/this risk well worth it

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:12 pm
You are right Tanya. Life without risk would be a very dull one indeed. I wouldn't get all the wonderful things about interacting with people, the friendship, the support, the connection, if I shut myself off from it to protect myself from getting hurt. It IS worth it. It's just not easy

I need to find that balance I think. Not sure I'm there yet.

[Reply]
http://www.readilyaparent.com/ Dara

Okay, who hurt you? And what would you like me to do to them? If it involves air travel in order to administer an in-person smackdown on the offender than I may need to delay just a little. But I will do it. For you.
You are one of the most original, sincere, PERFECT bloggers I have ever encountered and if you change my world will come to an end. Seriously. The world that I love – the one where a multitude of voices are raised in unison like a community choir with the same chant “this is who I am. Who are you?” – that world will end. And then we'll be left with boring impersonal blogs and we'll always feel the loss of the Josie-original.
I've learned since I started writing my column that comments are meaningless, really. It's the personal connection: the emails, the links on our own blogs, the tweeting, etc that matter. The comments are just like some lightpost in the city square plastered in personal notices and ads with nothing to connect to you in reality.
Not that I'm saying it isn't nice to get the comments, but if the comment is mean or just thoughtless it doesn't mean anything about you, just that someone else doesn't agree or is just a nasty person. You're still the beautiful, wonderful you that the rest of us love.
Trust me. You're brilliant. Us brilliant people recognise the other brilliant people. And your the best mum ever. Seriously, Kai is so lucky he was born to you and not some witless nit.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Oh Dara! How lovely are you!?

Now you see, if I hadn't written so much stuff about Kai (which is what I'm feeling so unbelievably insecure about right now), you may never have got in contact and that would have been a huge loss to me THAT'S the real stuff, you are right, the things that really matter. The real connections that help make ours days a bit brighter.

I just wish all the other stuff didn't have so much power to drag me down.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like I need to read this back when I'm having a bad day!! xxxx

[Reply]
http://www.strocel.com Amber

There is a blogger that I love who tells people what she wants in her comments. Like, she says, “I am really not looking for advice, but if you want to share your own story that's great!” I don't do this myself, but sometimes I think I should. It isn't that common that I get feedback I'm not looking for, thankfully, but it does occasionally happen. Anyways, it's a thought.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:16 pm
That's a very wise thing to consider. I may do that actually, at least, I may do it sometimes. Thank you Amber

[Reply]
Mrs Lucia-Wright

I really love how open and honest you are in your writing. I know exactly how you feel, in blogs gone by, if somebody said anything even remotely negative I'd feel myself getting flustered and hot and wanting to cry and just delete everything. Fortunately I've not had that experience this time round (so far). I don't know what the answer is but I know that the positives out-weigh the negatives and I'd rather have this outlet than not.

Please keep being you on your blog, I think you're lovely and rather brilliant. xx

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Thank you. It's true – it doesn't even have to be even particularly negative, just manage to hit a nerve about something I'm struggling with or feeling uncertain about. But you are right, the positives DO outweigh the negatives, which is why I keep at it

[Reply]
http://singleparenthoodbygappy.blogspot.com/ gappysinglemum

I know what you mean. There are lots of things about myself that I don't blog about even though my blog is anonymous. Perhaps I will at some point – but not for now. I'm too scared still.

Just remember that your blog is your space. Your space to write what you like. It seems to me from reading your comments that a lot of your readers really respect your attitude to disclosure – because it is honest and brave too. Perhaps it even helps others to work vicariously through their own insecurities. It's certainly provided a lot of food for thought for me.

Keep writing Josie – it's good writing.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Thank you Gappy. One of my motivations for being honest about how I feel is that I DO think it helps others to not be ashamed to step forward and admit to feeling the same. I hope so anyway. I get sick of reading glossy versions of people's lives. I know that means that in comparison I can come across as a bit of an angst ridden drama queen, but at least it's real I guess!

[Reply]
http://newdaynewlesson.wordpress.com/ Susie @ Newdaynewlesson

I think it takes time and a lot of work on your self confidence in order to get to a point where things don't eat at you.

Things that do bother people are things that they themselves are not 100% sure about-meaning if someone says you did something bad, if you get upset about the comment, you probably somewhere deep down wondered to yourself before they even said something whether what you did was wrong or not.

I like to approac it in a different way-when someone says something that takes me out of my happy feely comfort zone, I try to treat it as a life experience lesson and see what there is to learn from it, about myself and the world.

I also find writing (not necessarily blogging about it) helps put things into order as does talking to one or two friends who are on my wavelength.

I think things that touch on your nerves or get through your thin skin should actually be welcome because they make you learn and grow.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 6:39 pm
You are absolutely right, the comments that get to me are the ones on things that I am very unsure of, that I doubt myself about. And they make me lack confidence even more, which makes the next comment hit harder if that makes sense. I think I'm at the bottom of a spiral that's been working it's way down for a while.

Your approach and suggestion, to see it as an opportunity for growth is a good one. Not quite there yet but I'm doing my best x

[Reply]
http://battlingon.wordpress.com/ Peabee72

I sympathise Josie. I'm pathetically affected by the same things, and I sometimes wonder what self confidence is. It happened to me this week; I blogged about something really personal and a family member (who has NEVER contacted me before) emailed me to point out inaccuracies in what I'd written with an undercurrent of “You think you're so much better than me”. I nearly withdrew the post altogether, astounded that it had been misunderstood so badly. But that's the thing: ultimately we're all responsible for ourselves, we can write what we like and, yes, I do think that blogging about it invites comment (unless you switch them off), but that doesn't mean you have to agree, or allow yourself to dwell. Sometimes I write comments and regret them later, thinking “Did that come across the wrong way?”. Inevitably at times I'm sure they will….it probably happens to a lot of us. As hard as it is, I think being this sensitive makes you a better person….it just doesn't always feel that good. xxxxx

[Reply]
http://rosiescribble.typepad.com/ Rosie Scribble

It's a tough one, Josie, and you know I have questioned this myself recently. I could not have blogged like I do now a few years back, I couldn't have been so open because it is taking a risk and there is the chance comments won't be supportive, although they generally are. I definitely have a thicker skin now but that has taken time to grow (if that's the right expression). We do put ourselves out there when we write about our lives and post it online, but I think it's worth it. I don't know if you are just having a bad day so a particular comment or remark has got you down, but I feel it's a supportive community on the whole, we have our moments, granted, but there are tons of bloggers out there who would be happy to support and advise if you were concerned about something specific, and I'm one of them. I'm only a comment, tweet, DM or email away. Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing great xx

[Reply]
http://newdaynewlesson.wordpress.com/ susie @ newdaynewlesson

I also wanted to add that there is always going to be the positive and negative comments. People see and understand things differently -that's what makes the world go round.

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Absolutely Susie. It's not always about positive or negative comments either sometimes. Sometimes it's comments that are kind, but make you feel like you've been misunderstood. But everyone is entitled to a different point of view. It just frustrates me that sometimes I struggle so much with those that differ from my own.

[Reply]
MrsCplusthree

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Never apologise for who you are, how you feel. xxx

[Reply]
vwallop

I've never really had a negative comment (I know just typing that will make it happen) but I don't think you should change what you write because of that. It's true that we're all putting ourselves out there, I guess because we have a need for affirmation or approval or something. BUT, you must get gazillions of positive comments for every comment that makes you sad, so focus on that lovely. You're great x

[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:03 pm
I should have said really. It's not always about nasty comments, I don't get many at all and I make a point of not publishing anything that is remotely insulting or rude. But sometimes someone can say something that is meant to make you feel better, and yet somehow it is phrased in a way that leaves you feeling low. I find THOSE comments the hardest. Outwardly positive, yet somehow missing the point of what I was trying to say or needed to hear. And I mean that as much in real life, if not more so, than I mean it on the blog.

But yes. The comments that genuinely uplift are in the vast majority. I just wish I wasn't so affected by the words people write to me.

Thank you lovely x

[Reply]
vwallop Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Ah, not being understood. That's hard. I guess we all read into things what we want to hear. We approach each piece of writing with our own preconceptions, so maybe sometimes it says something to someone else that you didn't intend, but it's what they've understood. Being a member of society is fraught with complications. But stepping away from it is very lonely. I think on the whole that sharing is a very good thing, even if not everyone really 'gets' us.

[Reply]
jfb57

Oh how I understand how it feels! Especially when you can't get it out of your head for ages. However, as others have said, being sensitive is far better. We've all known hard people who just seem to miss so much of what's wonderful in life. I'm new to this blogging business & could see that it may be a problem but we want people to interact with us so it's worth the risk (remind me I said that when I'm in tears!). Here for you, just like Rosie has said above. You've given me confidence to have a go. I really enjoy your writing!

[Reply]
Pheonecia

A comment a few weeks back on my blog really stung me. It certainly put me off my stride. When i first started my blog i had no intention of writing about my history of sexual abuse, or the current stress and events i am going through, but in the end that is how my blog has ended up. It is a place where i go to write and offload what i need too. The comment i recieved really hurt me, and it made me paranoid about what i should and shouldnt write on my blog. And in turn, it was the start of me stopping what i wrote. But these last few weeks ive had a long hard think about my writing and my blog and ive come to the conclusion that i shall write just what i damn well like. If people do not like what i write, or do not agree with me sharing my feelings publicly then that is their problem, not mine, and they should choose not to read. It is MY blog, MY space.

It is part of life in the blogging world that we wont make everyone happy, and not everyone will agree with what we choose to write. And if we have the options of comments on our blogs then we do open ourselves up to the possibility that we will recieve hurtfull comments and negative feedback to what we write. But i realise that those negative comments are few and far between, and the majority of people who read my blog are very supportive of what i write. I am affected by peoples opinions, as i suspect 90% of the blogging world is.

But you are who you are Josie. A talented writer, who puts her heart and soul into her words. Which is why everytime i read your blog you make me feel something new every time. And whenever i read the comments to your blog, the negative ones are… well… i cant say ive ever seen one!

Never be ashamed of who you are, and never be ashamed of what you write. Have the courage to be yourself, for that is an admirable quality.

[Reply]
http://itsamummyslife.blogspot.com/ MrsMummyslife

I know what you mean. I posted today about arguments with my husband and can't help but feel it was a bit an overshare. But as you say, it was on my mind, I needed to offload. That's what my blog is about for me. It's about getting those unwanted niggles in your brain out. The good and the bad I guess. I'm sorry someone upset you. You are a truly lovely person.

[Reply]
http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/ Emily O

Absolutely, you open yourself up completely when you blog. I think some bloggers have an ability to remain 'professional' and fairly detached in their writing. This doesn't mean I love their blogs any less, they just don't open up too much and I'd love to know whether they actually get bothered by stuff like the rest of us do. My husband tires of me having very thin skin, I get really upset by a small comment he might make and when something nasty about my blogging occurs I go to pieces. Why do we do it? Because it's fun! (allegedly) Your vulnerability and sensitivity is what makes your blog so good, a double edged sword perhaps!

[Reply]
hotcrossmum

It is a tough one. I agree that it can be hard to read a less supportive comment (I've been lucky to only have one that really bothered me), but I guess that the nature of blogs encourages spontaneity and interaction so maybe we have to be prepared for glitches along the way. The way I see it, if you write something that prompts discussion and debate, whether in agreement or disagreement, then it was probably worth writing and reading. You are always worth reading. x

[Reply]
http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/ Emily O

I fired away on my last comment and have only just read the others (could do it the other way round really couldn't I?). On comments not feeling 'quite right' I think it's very easy to misconstrue (sp?) stuff online. When we discuss things in person we have lots of non-verbal conversations and everything is much more two way. Hard as it is, I'd say make some allowances for people expressing themselves purely through the written word (and often hurriedly too – that's me!).

[Reply]
superlittlemen

You write really well and I find it very open, honest and expressive, one of the reason I have started reading your posts. I can relate alot to what you say about being sensitive and comments rattling around inside, I think many of us can. I find I want to write things down to get them out and yes deep down I only want to read the positive comments, however I do think sometimes when things are written they are not always meant to be construed the way we might read them.

[Reply]
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http://youfoundkelshidingplace.blogspot.com/ Kelly_A place of my own

It's not exactly the same, but sometimes I just want to offload and get something off my chest and I want someone to just listen. I don't want a solution (men always seem to feel that they have to tell you what you should do) I don't care if you agree with me or not, just be quiet, listen and pass the biscuits. You may also give a sympathetic smile if you have to do something but that is it.

Sadly, very few people are able to do this.

[Reply]
hadavis1966

The way you write and what you write about draws people to you. In response your readers feel close enough to say what they think back to you. Most of the time that will be really positive for you but occasionally people may overstep the mark. You have decide whether it is worth it. Whether you can learn to ignore the things that upset you. It would be a shame to change anything because your writing touches so many people. Do you realise that? I think if you really understood the affect you have on your readers you would be strong enough to cope with anything negative. But I agree with what someone said above about classifying at the end of your posts what kind of comments you want. Perhaps it will make people think before the write.

[Reply]
http://www.emommyhood.com/ Erin

I've enjoyed reading what you write. I myself do not have a very thick skin and am often told that I'm too sensitive or take things too personally. My blog is a way for me to vent…and get some feedback. When I go out on a limb and write something extremely personal is when I usually get the most feedback. I believe that people can relate more when you seem real and honest. Yes, sometimes someone will be rude or disagree…but I think the positives outweigh the negatives.

[Reply]

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