Why I said no to the Health Visitor
Posted by Josie on Mar 20, 2010 in Uncategorized | 62 comments
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http://shewasnotatalldomestic.blogspot.com/
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http://mochabeaniemummy.blogspot.com/
*applause*
And as for sounding awful for not wanting to change your boy? Well I suspect more parents could learn from taking a leaf out of your book. Sometimes taking a step back and appreciating the small stuff is the best thing we can do for our kiddos.
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Josie Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 11:31 amWell, it was more the fact that I'd never truly felt proud of him before. That's pretty awful!
Thank you so much my lovely. Not just for your comment but because a lot of this turn around in thinking and attitude is because of you and your support, you know that right? xxxxxx
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http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/
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http://twitter.com/Careyannie
Lovely you have every right to feel proud and worried in any given moment you are Kai's Mummy!! We all have these intense feelings and just when we feel so very awful and it all feels wrong our darling children do something amazing which just makes our day!!
I have twin daughters whom you might expect to have reached the appropriate stages 'together'. There is 10 mins between them in 'age'. The youngest did everything first, sitting, walking, talking, her sister much later. I too was worried got myself all upset and with no need to at all. Now 4yrs old they are amazing me every day with their humour, expression and beauty!
Health Visitors are there to advise and assist if you want them. Im someone who felt invaded by their presence and said 'thank you but no thank you!'
Kai will make his own way in his own time and he has a Mummy who will be there no matter what!! He is lucky to have such a lovely & caring Mummy. xxxxx
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 7:58 pmThank you so much for your comment Carrieannie!
It must have been so fascinating with twins to see their different characters emerging. I don't think I ever knew, before I had Kai, just how different babies can be from each other.
Your words are so kind. Kai is lucky to have a very lovely daddy too that keeps his mummy sane. He definitely doesn't go under-appreciated
But yes, we WILL be there for him no matter what and I hope that will over-ride everything else.
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I absolutely think that accepting a situation (or person) is half the battle. Kai sounds like a complicated little boy and that has got plenty of positives, which you really seem to be seeing. You renewed positivity is only going to be a good thing for him and as you say he is still so young. He will find a way to make sense of his world eventually.
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http://livileah88.wordpress.com/
Good for you! You're doing a fabulous job and Kai seems like a very happy chappy, especially in the singing vlog you posted! I think you're 100% right to let him develop at his own rate, people are different, that's what makes life so interesting.
Glad that you're feeling proud of him too
He's a testament to you're loving, understanding, giving parenting.[Reply]
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Well done you. It actually sounds at though you have had a real turning point, an epihany in your parenting, if you would like to term it that way.
It is great that you are going to spend time with Kai hust being and enjoying him as he it, as he ont stay little for that long, trust me time flies.All children are different and unique and I really wish that the issue of competative parenting would go away.
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 8:12 pmActually I think you're right, it HAS been a bit of an epiphany! I feel it was pretty late coming but maybe I just needed to work round to it in my own time. I think the time thing has had a lot to do with it, he is growing up and changing so quickly. Why would I want to try and make the things that are 'him' go away? I know I am going to miss everything when he is grown and needs me less. Even the stuff I find hardest now!
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http://deerbaby.blogspot.com/
So glad that you have made that mindshift and seen what was there all along. It's so hard not to feel judged and compare isn't it? He sounds like a wonderful little boy with an equally wonderful mother.
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 8:14 pmIt was there all along wasn't it? I feel a bit daft for not figuring it out up until now but I guess I'm only human
He has a wonderful daddy too – I hold him mostly responsible for keeping me sane and supporting me through all the decisions. I'm a very lucky lady.[Reply]
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I'm so glad you have an understanding health visitor these are golden and very rare. I love the way you are seeing your son. Children do grow and learn at their own pace. The more we push sometimes does more damage than good . I have a liitle boy who at 23 months has benefited from early invention a lot but this is a different child a different background. The one piece of advice I can give is preparation. Prepare always for what's coming next. For example we have to show Maverick the Hoover before we put it on so he can prepare himself. Get his coat ten minutes before we go out so he can digest the information. I know our children are words apart but if I can be any help just ask. I'm no expert just learned the hard way xxxx
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 9:12 pmThat is good advice, as always. We have started doing that with Kai and it's helped A LOT. We talk through everything way before it happens, lots and lots of talking about things. He may not talk but he understands so much. I think we didn't appreciate just how much and assumed he wouldn't understand. Now we've found even talking through quite complex situations and ideas he DOES understand and he is definitely calmer for that preparation when it happens.
Thank you for your kind words as always – I really appreciate your insight.
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http://www.christinemosler.wordpress.com/
You are a marvellous, responsive, caring Mummy! Well done you. Sometimes it is hard to stand back from a situation and see the bigger picture but it is probably the best parenting technique there is. Standing up to professionals (even nice ones) takes a lot of strength and you should be proud of yourself. So glad you can be proud of Kai…do you feel like you are pulling together? Always helps!
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 9:15 pmThank you. Yes, I am lucky in that me and the hubby have always been very much a team. He tends to take my lead, definitely the passive one in the relationship! but provides support and affirmation that I really need. I feel like the three of us now work together. Weekends when we're all together work so much better – it allows us to work together with Kai and he responds beautifully to this. I guess it's just working out your tactics! And finally I feel like we're working out our own way with him, one that doesn't rely on intervention for the time being, and that does feel really good
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Awww what a lovely post. I'm a pretty new ready to your blog but I have to say you seem like an amazing mum. Obviously I know very little about your situation but I really like your approach. Children aren't textbooks and I'm sure that allowing him to develop at his own pace can only be better for him in the long run. Mother knows best and all that. Thanks for sharing. By the way, I loved the signing video. Such a clever boy.
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http://singleparenthoodbygappy.blogspot.com/
So glad you're feeling stronger and happier. Well done also for being assertive enough to be able to tell the health visitor that you didn't want any more intervention for now. It can be really hard to say no to health professionals who are bent on 'helping'. Sounds like she respected your decision though which is great.
Here's to you and Kai.
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http://www.readilyaparent.com/
I know that feeling, when you realise that you don't need to struggle to make your child more, more, more but can just step back and appreciate who he is. I don't think it's that you've never felt proud of him before, but maybe never quite contendly proud and at one with him.
Kai is brilliant. Seriously. He's a sensitive, easily stimulated, brilliant little prefectionist. Life is much harder for perfectionists, but it's also much brighter and interesting. I wish we lived near you so we could compare notes in person!
Staying away from large playgroups is probably a good idea. And as he gets older you may find that individual pursuits, such as music or skating or tennis will suit him better than team situations. Another thing I meant to mention – and it's one I often forget for our own son- is when you have to be a in a large group situation, get there early before the others and let him adjust to his surroundings and each new entry rather than thrusting him into the midst of a new and crowded situation. That helped tonnes with Harrison when we realised it.
I'm so happy for you! Isn't it lovely just being at peace for a bit?[Reply]
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http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/
Ooo don’t get me started on health visitors. I blogged about this a month or two ago when one stressed me out unnecessarily about my baby daughter. I haven’t taken my daughter to any clinics and I haven’t had her jabbed yet (she’s 12 weeks). The health visitor was on the phone to me recently probably because I haven’t showed up to clinics. In fact here’s my post, hope you don’t mind me putting it here http://babyrambles.blogspot.com/2010/01/health-visitors-invented-to-make-us.html. I get so cross when good parents get hassled over these things. they jump on you about ‘language delay’ and the suchlike. Life’s hard enough being a parent as it is. I think their resources could be best focussed on families that really need monitoring and support. Good for you. Can you tell this subject makes me cross? Grr….
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 10:01 pmI think you're right. I too am aware of how many other families must need her help more than we do. I think they need to trust parents a bit more, parents who are obvious capable, intelligent, well supported. Trust that we will be the first to contact if WE think there is a problem, and then give us the space to trust our instincts a bit more. Off to read your post…
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http://rosiescribble.typepad.com/
That sounds really really sensible. He is still very young and they all develop in their own time. My daughter went through years of speech therapy because I was told she needed it. Actually, she didn't. We used signing at home for a while, she was definitely late to develop, without doubt. But the only reason she didn't speak to the speech therapists was because she was shy. After two years when she eventually started talking they said she was absolutely fine and she was discharged. Now she talks for English. When she was Kai's age she didn't talk at home. They all get there in the end and if you are worried out of your mind Kai will pick up on it. They're not daft!
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 9:26 pmI am hearing this more and more Rosie, and that's partly what's influenced my decision. I'm beginning to realise that speech therapy, especially early on, isn't some kind of magic cure. Most of the time even if you do get early appointments it won't actually change anything, and even then they tend to take a 'wait and see' approach unless there's a very obvious cause for the problems. We might as well see if Kai is able to get there on his own first. We have plenty of time to try speech therapy later down the line if he needs it.
And you are right. Kai is incredibly sensitive to stress along with everything else. It's no coincidence that since I've been feeling happier, his behaviour has improved!!
Thanks Rosie x
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He's a gorgeous little boy Josie and you have 100% done the right thing. So what if he isn't developing like other kids, some times they don't and all of a sudden they catch up over night, as long as he's happy and you are too it just doesn't matter. My cousin's daughter didn't speak at all or had her own language created with different noises that weren't anything you could even consider speach until she started school and literally within a day the strange noises stopped and she was speaking, like she knew the words and how to say them all along, it was amazing! She's completely caught up on her development in other areas too and you wouldn't know she ever had any problems.
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http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/
I'm so happy for you! I think this feeling you're having may well be the key to the whole situation. Acceptance and all that. If you're fighting a situation, it's always harder. I love that you went with your own instincts. You are obviously the authority here. Yay for you!!! xxx
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http://mamacrow.blogspot.com/
you rock! HVs are here for just this – listening, giving advice, info and options, and taking things further IF YOU WANT/NEED.
You're doing awesome, and if things change, then you have the meeting in 6mnths time to review the situation xx[Reply]
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http://www.strocel.com
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http://lovemybabyuk.blogspot.com/
We used Tiny Talk classes for Toddler and at 9 months she did her first sign!
We found signing so helpful, and really belive it gave her a communicative outlet and built bridges of trust between us as a family. She could tell us what she wanted!
Keep going with the signing. His verbal speech will get there when he is ready.
Good luck to you both.
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It sounds to me like saying 'no' was the best decision you could have made. There's such a pressure for us to see children's development in a very structured way, but you're right – every child is different and that's what makes them so special. In the early days with the twins I found it impossible not to compare their development and it did stress me out – for example Miss E was smiling for a good eight weeks before Mr A cracked a proper smile. Now I don't get hung up on it at all, but think they're a shining example of how amazingly different every baby is. It makes me much less anxious about getting to that next milestone (something many of my mum friends seem incredibly impatient about), because I just trust that they'll do things in their own good time. x
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 9:40 pmI think it's been quite good for me as I *had* to let it go. I think in the early months I fell into the new parent trap of willing my baby to do everything before everyone else, but he didn't! It's hard to be competitive when your baby insists on doing things so differently
In the end up you inevitably know you can't 'win' so have to give up that kind of thinking.It's going to be so amazing for you to watch Miss E and Mr A grow up side by side. I bet they're going to be SUCH different personalities!
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http://newdaynewlesson.wordpress.com/
SO GLAD YOU HAVE FOUND SOME PEACE NOW.
oops did not mean caplocks.
Did want to say that our calm goes up and down. As positive and upbeat as you are now, chances are at some point you will hit a bump in the road again. That is okay and normal as well, and I want you to remember that it is normal when it happens so you don't get too disheartened if it does. Just take your time, don't beat yourself and get back to the same positive outlook when you can.
I know that sounded kind of a like a downer but just wanted to say it so you have it tucked away somewhere in case you go through a tough spell again at some point.
Enjoy your time and your calmness.
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http://thecurseofthemoderndilemma.blogspot.com/
Josie your post is incredibly moving. How wonderful that you have found a way to cope and to appreciate Kai for himself rather than comparing (something we all do & need to give ourselves a kick for now & again). Whatever happens in the future, the fact he has you gives him a head start on life.
MD xx
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http://www.thehomecroner.blogspot.com/
Yay, glad you're feeling better about everything. I felt completely lost not knowing why Jonno was different to other kids, but we avoided the situations that we knew wound him up and carried on giving him the experiences we all loved and enjoyed. Getting a diagnosis of dyspraxia was great only because it made sense of a lot of things that had seemed worrying before and also gave us a starting point when looking at strategies to help him more, but I wouldn't want to 'cure' him, because dyspraxia is part of who he is and I love him.
Take care and keep doing what you're doing, Mums really do know best xx
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Josie Reply:
March 21st, 2010 at 9:45 pmIt's funny but I think if we're still here, battling the same issues in another couple of years that maybe diagnoses (if there is anything to diagnose!) probably WOULD be helpful. I think it's just a matter of 'not yet'. I love that you have been able to embrace that diagnosis – Jonno is a lucky boy
Thanks so much for your comment – always means so much to hear from someone who understands x
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http://www.angelsandurchins.co.uk/blog
Thank goodness there isn't a one-size-fits-all child. You're so right to be proud and happy with your beautiful boy, and hopefully it's nice to know the support is there IF you need it in the future.
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That's a great feeling, isn't it! I think, as others have said, mother knows best. Trust your instincts. Strength to you!
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wow – you sound in a good place. but seriously, he's only 20 months. does he really have speech difficulties? i just spent the weekend with two 19 month-olds who don't say anything. not even mama in one case. and i know friends whose sons didn't speak til well gone 2……. just wondering. xx
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Josie Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:27 amI'm told so Susie, who knows. I think had he been an easy going, even-tempered child it wouldn't have even been questioned. But all the other stuff makes them pick up on it more I think. It's the fact that he seems so sensitive and anxious AND the fact that he isn't speaking, plus the fact that he was saying a few words months ago which he seems to 'lost' they tell me is an indicator he may have speech difficulty. I guess time will tell.
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It sounds like you've reached a really good place Josie, I'm so pleased for you! I think having a supportive HV helps so much. Can I ask if you've been going to signing classes with Kai? I think I'd like to try it with the Bear but as we're moving counties in two weeks I don't know where to start!
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Josie Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:20 pmNo we just used flashcards and books and did it ourselves. I think Kai would have found the classes a bit much, keeping it relaxed and a part of our day worked better for us I think
Can really recommend it though – he was signing back within a couple of days and loves learning new signs – it's a really fun part of his routine! [Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 11:32 am
I hope so. I probably going to get days where I feel differently and that I'm not looking at the big picture and missing opportunities for him to get help blah blah blah but I really want to try and let go a bit.
Thank you x
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