Too tired to change

Oh Josie – sometimes we just need to sit back and be kind to ourselves. You’ve had a terrible few weeks and whilst things will get better you do need to take some time to refresh yourself, sleep, do nothing, drop a few balls

Everything will be there waiting when you come back – please look after yourself and stop beating yourself up
.-= Muddling Along Mummy´s last blog ..Bittersweet moments =-.

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Oh hunny you sound so down at the moment. It is so hard when they have been so poorly – well its hard anyway!

Have you told anyone else how you feel, family and the friends that are near you as they maybe able to help, and they may not realise that you are finding it hard you maybe putting on too good a front!

I think Kai being so ill in the past month, I probably wouldn't be too worried about not going to the groups for the next couple of weeks, really get his immune system back up before he is around other children with germs. This may work in two ways as it may give you the time to try and get into more off a rhythm with sleeping as well so that you aren't so tired.

Have you tried when Ant gets in, having a nice bath away from the both and then just go and lie on the bed, with a book or something. I know that you say you can't sleep before 11 I am totally with you on that. I am a night owl. But I can get to sleep earlier with a nice bath and a book lying on the bed. Then you may be able to get some extra sleep that way.

Maybe just turn the computer off for a while. You, Kai and Ant are more important, other stuff can wait. So enjoy being a family, enjoy being well and the other stuff will fall into place. Is there something that you all like to do – Swimming or do you have a zoo or something near you, maybe stop everything else for the day and go and do that take some piccies and just go back to basics of what is important!

Basically I am trying to say in a long winded way, it is ok to let everything drop. It will all come back into place, so don't worry about the other things and don't feel guilty for not doing them!

When Baba had his first fit, it was a bit like this in our house, we were both taking it in turns to be at hospital, and were knackered Baba was poorly and no one could do anything in the house. We had to ask for help and there is no harm in that. So we called both our mothers and our sisters. Both mums would come and sit with us, so one of us could sleep and the other could be awake with Baba but if they feel asleep it didn't matter. My mum sorted the house and did the ironing, and sorted the dog while we were in hospital. Sometimes when they are that ill, you need the extra help and it is not wrong and you are not an awful person/partner/mother in asking for it! YOU REALLY ARE NOT!

And if you need to moan then moan, make sure you talk about it rather than keep it to yourself!

Big Hug xxx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Thank you Kerry. I think the worst thing is I feel WORSE if I let a lot of stuff slide. I know I'm a perfectionist and maybe need to learn to let go more, but I really don't find that easy.

I'm lucky in that I do have a lot of support. My husband is fantastic and our families help out a lot while they can but they have busy lives and their own issues too.

You're right though, it is about priorities. I just worry if I let a lot of the other stuff go, the stuff that keeps me sane, I'll get very depressed It's a tough balancing act xx

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Kerry Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:42 am

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am like that too. I don't like mess, I have grown up with an OCD father, mess is not an option it does not happen. So to sit still with cleaning needing to be done in the house is really hard for me. If I have other stuff to do, I find it really hard, I can't truly relax I am constantly thinking this needs to be done and that. When I first had Baba I was like this all the time, and then Mr L sat me down and gave me a talking too. He is quite wise sometimes.

He said that in twenty years time, the cleaning will still be there and all the little things that I feel are important doing scrapbooking etc will still be there, but the difference is I will have a 20 year old son who probably wont be at home anymore and will be living his own life and will just remember me cleaning, it was a harsh sentence but he was trying to get across that even though I don't like it things can wait but having these precious all be it very hard moments with our babes when they are babes can go so quickly. That we should make the most of them.

Our true friends will wait, family will want to experience it with you, and the hard days will grow less and the good ones will grow more. But at least we are making memories for them in the future, and then when they have their kids we can sit back and tell them how hard they were!

Sorry another long winded reply hope it wasn't too heavy for this time of the day xx

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I don't think I've commented on your blog before but I often read it and I enjoy reading your tweets.
You musn't be so hard on yourself. The early years of parenting can be a blur; all mums and dads to some extent muddle through one way or another, making the best of things, putting up with sleep deprivation and battling on. I look back at photos of when my son was a baby and toddler and he looks great but I look an absolute sight – the focus was all on him!
Give yourself time to get over his illness and tell yourself that something has to give if you're not getting enough sleep; no-one can function without it so you can't be expected to be uber-mum doing all the things you should.
I can tell you are so loved by your family, friends and, most obvious to me, your blogging and twitter mates. You give a great deal to everyone: go and have some chocolate, a coffee and, when you're ready, go outside even for just ten minutes and get some fresh air. Little steps…. xx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Hello Trish, and thank you so much for your kind words. I know a lot of it is about my attitudes towards things – I find it tough letting go. But you're right – something has got to give.

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Everyone else has said so much there really isnt alot else I can say other than *big hugs* just remember all your friends are always here to listen (read) your never alone no matter how tired and down and out you feel xxxxx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:49 pm

Thank you lovely. It helps a lot to have people like you just there and listening xxx

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Maybe you could do a bit of both: be friendly to yourself and allow yourself to just survive, while picking just one thing to improve (say finding some time to yourself). If you focus on one thing only, it becomes more manageable. “Changing your life” is just too big a chunk if you're depressed.
I'm sorry you're feeling left out online. I know what that's like. I think it most likely comes from being so tired and simply having other things to focus on just now. I have started sleeping more now I'm pregnant, and the few times I make an appearance on Twitter, it feels like no one wants to talk to me. While it's just that I'm not on there all the time, so no one knows me well enough.
What I'm trying to say is I'm not ignoring you and I'm still reading when you write something. Feel free to email me if you would like a chat – that kind of chat can be managed between naps and tantrums!
Big kiss and try to hold on! He will grow up and this will be a memory at some point. xx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Thank you my friend. I think the hard thing about online friendships is the time it takes to maintain them! It sometimes feels like that if you don't have to time to keep up with blogs, or with people on Twitter that people quickly forget about you. I know that's probably not true. With all the blogs out there it can get overwhelming and as much as I wish I could read everybody's all the time I just can't with such little time and energy

Email is good though! Email fits round other things. So thank you for that xx

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You won't come to any harm if you just rest a while. We will still be here for you no matter what. You are an inspiring person whether you're wide awake or feeling totally shattered. You've not had an easy time of it lately and it is understandable that you are feeling metally drained. Take time out; pamper yourself; look after number one. If you don't you will naturally find it harder to look after the children.

CJ xx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Thank you CJ, I think my problem is that the things I tend to see as 'looking after myself' actually take up a huge amount of energy. I tend to 'feed' myself with word, ideas, projects but these things just wear me out more

You are right though, I'm just making it harder for myself. Need to reassess… x

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It sounds to me love like you need to prioritise. Which things do you *need* to do? Eat, sleep, things for your sanity like writing or a bath on your own. And fit those into your life. those are the things you need to push for, not give up on. Set yourself some realistic goals, x amount of groups/meetings that you WILL go to because even though your tired you know that getting out and talking to people will help (or whatever else it is you decide is the important thing). the rest, the rest can wait, even if it feels like giving up or your worried about letting people down. the rest isn't so important. You need your health, you need your sanity and it's quite clear to yourself i think that you are not coping with all that you have taken on and you have to do something about it. You need to relax about the other stuff, the stuff that isn't a *need*. just let it go for now. it's not giving up, its postponing so you can give it the attention it takes later. Real friends will still be there when you find the time, real friends will understand. the rest, well who cares about the rest?

Would closing your computer for a week help? remove any unnecessary pressure? Let you re-prioritise your life?

You know where to find me if you need me xx

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Thank you my friend. I think re-prioritising is definitely in order. Just so crap at letting go of stuff Will try though – this is no good as it is xx

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I know how you feel J. When the boys were little (3 under 4) just getting through the day with them all still breathing was considered a result. There was a lot of TV babysitting, quite a few meals not cooked from scratch and even some (many) days spent in pyjamas. The house was a mess and I wasn't far behind it. However, it passes. They get more independant and more helpful, just dressing themselves without getting all of the socks out of the drawer is a start.

Please try to be a bit easier on yourself. If Kai is fed and watered and loved (and he is) then that can be enough for now. x

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Josie Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:12 pm

I will try, I promise. I know I'm my own worst enemy but sometimes I don't know how to be any other way

Thank you, as always. Your endless support and your kindness means the world to me xxxx

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I love Kelly's travel port thingamybob idea, cos I really like all my Twitter and bloggy friends too and would love to be able to help a bit more. I tried to comment on Twitter earlier, but 140 characters just doesn't cut the mustard. What I was trying to say was change is all very well, but you can't change everything, all at once, particularly not when you are exhausted. Don't spend all day festering at home feeling miserable (I know you don't, but I thought I'd say it anyway) but also don't do so much that you just exhaust yourself further. Set yourself one or two small targets so you feel like you are achieving something but accept that this week, the rest can go hang. Visit one playgroup a week, not one every day, that sort of thing. Each week, add one more target, so little by little you are making progress. It's always really hard after they've been ill, because they don't bounce back immediately as we'd like, but take a few weeks to gradually get back to normal. You are tired, Kai probably doesn't feel 100%, it's been a VERY long month. You will get there, I promise x

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That post has me in tears and I wish so much I could offer some useful advice.
It sounds to me like you need some help, there's no shame at all in asking a friend, relative, or hiring someone to give you a couple of hours to rest and take care of yourself. It's seems that you are so focussed on Kai that you have forgotten that you need looking after too, and you do, it's not selfish to need time for yourself.
I really hope that you find an answer and I'm sure you will, I am praying that it is sooner rather than later. You are obviously an incredible mum, now look after yourself too!

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I haven't read through the gazillion comments, because if I did that right now, I would be useless and asleep.

I did want to say that you need to rid yourself of guilt. Don't beat yourself up. It adds nothing and wears you down. Take joy in the days you get up and get out of Pj's and get Kai fed.

So what if right now at this moment in time he is not out interacting with other kids? Big deal. Honestly.

Be kind to yourself, physically and emotionally. Let go of the guilt and live in the moment. That's the best you can do. We have all been there at one point or another!

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I haven't commented on your blog before but so much of what you've written today strikes a familiar chord (although it sounds as if I'm getting more sleep than you so am grateful for small mercies).
Just doing whatever you can to get the most sleep is a natural urge as is the urge to stop trying to get as much sleep as possible and do something you enjoy so you sound torn between the two. I hate that feeling of knowing I should be going to bed but just want some form of a life or it is just Mummy/sleep/Mummy/sleep and on and on and on…
I'm sure things will settle down just enough for you to feel able to change things at some stage soon and until then just go with the flow. Don't stress about keeping up with everything and everyone, people will understand, or at least those that are worth bothering with will.
Hope things look at least a little better tomorrow.

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OMG Josie…try harder? I am in awe of what you manage to do…..you just keep on posting and you have so many other 'babies' on the go I honestly don't know how you keep it up. I barely manged to post at all in February.
I do know that when I am tired and when I have sooo much to do I get bogged down with it all hardly able to manage it. Maybe you need to give yourself a break…..what with twitter and blogs and facebook plus research etc it is so hard to switch off. I know I think I'll just have a quick look at my reader while the wheat bag is heating up in the microwave and then the next thing I know it's an hour later to bed…and I can't survive on 4/5 hours sleep l. I have often been tortured trying to stay awake whilst driving…that's terrible.
Do you give yourself a day off at all? I know you love writing but everyone needs to give themselves a rest. Take care and stop being so hard on yourself….you are an inspiration! xx

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I have a lot of things that I would do if only I weren't so tired and so freaking busy. Sometimes I worry that I am just making excuses. That I am just looking for a reason to not HAVE to do anything.

Finally, I have arrived at a place of acceptance. I want to do a lot of things, and I WILL do them. But not all at once, and maybe not all right now. There is no expiration date on accomplishing what I want to accomplish. Right now I don't get any peace and I simply can't be expected to be as productive as I was before I had two little children underfoot.

It sounds as if you are very physically unwell, and Kai is still not all better, either. When you are in that state, taking care of yourself and your child has to be your first priority. This is not the time to push through. If you let yourself rest now, you will be more productive later, and you will likely get more done in the long run. It's like putting on your oxygen mask first, you need to be able to function if you're going to save someone else.

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Im sorry I havent read all the comments! If I were you, I would think about what the actually problem is? is it your sleep? is it Los sleep? is it something stressing you? then once you have a vague idea of the main issue, work out what you can change in manageable steps… make sense? LOL… if its LOs sleep, what happens if you dont get him up at silly oclock? could he learn to stay in bed?
If its your sleep, are you doing all the right sleep hygiene stuff? go to bed at same time everynight.. if your laying in bed and not asleep in 20mins get up do something really boring then back to bed… no caffiene/alcohol before bed… have a bath, turn computer off half hour before bed and wind down… i know its commen sense but alot of us dont do it!
I use melatonin for sleep (kids had it for night terrors) fab stuff, completely natural/no hangover/it just boosts your bodies melatonin levels which help promote sleep.

Try setting yourself managable tasks each day, write a list so you can feel good ticking them off, start small and work up! if possible get out fresh air and exercise are vital!!

Hope this is some help!
x

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