Personality Types and Parenting
Posted by Josie on Feb 26, 2010 in Uncategorized | 66 comments
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http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/
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I'm definitely in the extrovert boat. There are times where I've really struggled in parenthood, and I pin it down to just hating being on my own, and needing adult company. I love my children more than life and I wouldn't be without them, but I can't be a 24/7 stay at home mum. I've done it and I hated it. I need adult conversation, company, and I need my mind to be stimulated beyond Dora the Explorer and In the Night Garden. This is a large part of why I work. I even worked for over a year voluntary, to further myself and to stop myself drifting into a pit of depression from being shut off from the adult world.
I love my children, and I love being a mother more than anything in the world. But I can't be a mother without being 'me' first.
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http://www.stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/
Oh Bugger. What about if you are exactly half and half?
Seriously I am split down the middle!
I have always been quite a shy person who talks talks talks to cover that up. Although you'd never know it to meet me because again, I talk talk talk to cover it up!
I found that by having children it actually helped because I had a 'crutch' (gah, sounds awful!) but suddenly I had someone to talk about, someone to talk to in awkward situations (the schoolgate?) and someone to help start conversations off because of.
Now when I talk talk talk it's something a bit more substantial tha the 'fluff' I used to bombard everyone with![Reply]
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http://www.notsuchayummymummy.wordpress.com/
Fabulous post Josie, relaly got me thinking. I am an Introvert at heart but alcohol and Twitter definitely bring out the Extrovert in me! Craig is an Extrovert. He likes nothing more than chatting away with new people and doesn't understand why I need quiet time to reflect, read and just be on my own with my thoughts!
For some reason I haven't really considered how I would impact on Sam in that way. Maybe it's a good thing he goes to playgroups with his Dad. He'll be more outgoing and make friends better than if I went, sat in a corner and looked like a frightened bunny.
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 2:23 pmIsn't that funny because your online 'persona' as it were is SO extroverted! I've never really thought of you as Introverted before…
I do worry sometimes (ok, a LOT) about how having such an introverted mum will negatively affect Kai. I know all the good stuff, the way it makes me quite empathic and creative will be a positive influence on him, but I do worry it isolates him too. A big challenge for me at the moment.
x
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That book sounds really interesting – i might have to have a look myself. That list however just leaves me feeling confused. i can identify with everything, all of them, on both sides of the spectrum. Is it possible to be a introvert and extrovert in equal measure depending on the day?
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 4:56 pmI would think so! Jung described it like a spectrum, you move one way or the other depending on a lot of different factors. He would have said that deep down you instinctually tend to react one way more than another but who knows – people are complex
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notesfromlapland Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 5:00 pmIt is interesting- I've been thinking about whilst playing with Lego (cause
that's all I seem to do these days) and I really can't identify with one
more than the other.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 5:03 pmHave a look at my comment to Tara – perhaps you're an Ambivert too?!
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http://www.somemothersdoaveem.blogspot.com/
I am definitely more on the extrovert scale – and I think the sudden isolation of becoming a mother caused a huge internal conflict within me. I was alone. A lot. Except for my baby. I struggled to the point of becoming very depressed and withdrawn. I felt a huge part of me had been lost, but I couldn't quite define what that was. Ultimately, this awakening of more introvert qualities has become a huge benefit. Nowadays I do enjoy my own company more than ever. I don't feel the need to surround myself with people constantly, as I once did. I don't rely on my interactions with others to 'fulfil' me in the same way that once seemed as essential as breathing. But primarily I am much more energised and feel much more like my authentic self when I am in a social environment. My oldest son (6) definitely demonstrates introvert qualities. He is incredibly social but loves his own company and even on playdates will quite often escape and play quietly on his own, happy as a pig in doo-doo without socialising with the bigger crowd. I watch his contentment, feel his sense of ease with himself, and am inspired. My youngest (age age 4) is like a chip off the old block. Even as a young baby he was insanely happy being part of a crowd and to this day spends the vast majority of his time being the centre of attention, by whatever means necessary. His qualities delight and amuse me…but also drive me nuts. Gives me pause for thought to appreciate what I once put my own parents through as I was growing up. For me, having a deeply extrovert child is much more demanding, much more wearing and exhausting than his easier going, introverted brother. And it makes me appreciate for other adults, family and friends, just how my extrovert tendencies can be a royal pain in the arse!
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 4:59 pmI really admire the fact that you managed to adapt – something, even after 20 months, I am struggling to do. If anything I think motherhood is pushing to feel MORE introverted but I'm not sure that's particularly healthy.
I like the idea of an 'authentic' self
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http://singleparenthoodbygappy.blogspot.com/
Hmmm… An extrovert with introvert tendencies? I don't know, it really depends on how comfortable I feel with people. I definitely found myself relating to far more to the extrovert bullet points, but I also enjoy my own company and need a lot of time to myself too. My kids are mostly extrovert I think, although my daughter can be quite shy at times. Interesting post.
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 5:00 pmHow comfortable you feel around people is an important point. I am unbelievably shy and awkward around strangers but with the people that I'm closet too I can sometimes never shut up!
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gappysinglemum Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 5:03 pmOh and there's an award for you over at mine. x
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While I'm not a parent (yet) I think the future holds similar struggles for me as the present offers to you Josie. I'm definitely an introvert. Always have been, always will be. But since my first marriage split up and I rediscovered myself I've moved slightly more towards the extrovert status… I'm much more comfortable discussing feelings and thoughts with people than I ever was before and I've definitely come out of my shell. But at heart I love my own company, I'm more of a thinker than a talker, I prefer to be alone or just with my closest friends and family. Hubs is enough of an extrovert for both of us so sometimes that comes in handy!
A great, thought-provoking post. And I'll definitely be looking the book up!
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http://iknowineedtostoptalking.blogspot.com/
I get the impression I probably don't need to tell you which category I fall into … !
Being serious though, it's the reason I would be a bloody horrendous SAHM. I am selfish, through and through, and I need to be the centre of attention of my own world – I can only put up with Jamie taking over for a limited period of time!
Thus far, I suspect my son may be following in my footsteps …!
xxx
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 7:22 pmYou???! An extrovert?? REALLY?!
Actually I think you should be used as some kind of case study of an A-Type Extrovert. S'why I love you and have always been so in awe of you
I don't think selfishness is necessarily an extrovert trait either. I'm VERY selfish – or perhaps a nicer way of putting it would be to say I have a strong sense of personal survival!! x
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http://www.colourfulcoaching.co.uk/
I have an extravert preference, which is why I need things like Twitter to keep me sane! If I had to spend all day with just the cats for company I'd go into meltdown! As it happens, I'm also qualified to run a psychometric tool called the Myers Briggs Type Inventory, which is based on Jungian theory and can help you to understand all of your behavioural preferences in some detail. If you're interested, feel free to get in tocu!
Great post, BTW, as usual![Reply]
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I'm definatly an Extrovert! 'Think quickly and need to talk-out your ideas, thoughts and experiences' is me down to the ground and 'Feel exhausted if you have spend too much time on your own or without adult company' made me laugh, If i'm having a rough day and haven't had much contact with other people for a day or so I have been known *only once or twice-I might add* to lay on the floor crying and drained for no apparent reason…now I know! lol
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I was an introverted child, shy awkward and swotty, often to be found with nose in book.
But somewhere along the line I became an extrovert in the sense of the cartoon above but not in the leap into a room and do jazz hands kind of way.
I made a conscious effort to try and influence my children to be as sociable as they can be so I guess that means I've encouraged them to be extroverts according to this writer. Deep down I believe this will bring them more happiness I suppose but as twins they have little or no perception of what it's like to enjoy your own company, they really aren't fond of being alone.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 7:17 pmThat's an interesting one. Jung would argue we are born with a 'type' but that how much we relate to it differs at different points in our lives.
I think it's important to remember that being sociable isn't necessarily JUST an Extrovert trait – both types are sociable in different ways, they just thrive on different types of social interaction. So Introverts could be said to be very sociable, forming close bonds with small groups and individuals while Extroverts thrive on group attention and being part of a wider community or clique.
It could all be bollocks, of course
I just find it fascinating! x[Reply]
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It's funny you should say that as when I read the name 'Jung' I think: “I wonder if he was well-hung?”
Which sums up my intellect in one fell swoop, right there.
Now what does that tell you?
No perhaps you shouldn't say really. xx[Reply]
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http://anattitudeadjustment.com/
I actually wrote about being an introvert and extrovert on my blog (anattitudeadjustment.com). The thing is, I can't figure it out. According to your little questionnaire, I'd be an extrovert. But I am so so stuck to this identity I have as an introvert. I really don't mind time by myself, but I also feel uplifted by time with others. The online quiz I took didn't help either. So I still don't know. (I can definitely say I'm an over-thinker!)
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Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 7:49 pmHa! Well yes, me too.
I don't suppose it's worth getting TOO worried about – like I've said I think it's healthy to draw on both sets of qualities.
Funnily enough, after all this and probably a topic for another blog post, I can't figure out what my son is either (which was kind of the whole point of the book!)
Thanks for you comment! Good to 'meet' you
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http://youfoundkelshidingplace.blogspot.com/
That cartoon made me laugh!
The more that I read, the more that I think that you and I are a lot alike! I am definitely an introvert. Last year I was on a course for managers at work, with another 14 other managers. The introduction had us doing a test to find out which we were and then the tutor went round the room and we all said which we were. In the room of 15 managers I was the only introvert.
The thing is, at work I had a work persona I think. She is not really like the 'real' me. She is confident in her ability, she makes a fantastic impression and anyone asked would say she is an extrovert. The 'real' me is hiding inside. That is why the question of returning to work or not is not as simple as I thought it was. If I don't go back, I lose my external extrovert and worry that I will become too introverted.
Sorry, long comment. I would love to write a post about this on my blog. Have to resolve everything with my employer first!
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 10:50 amI have to admit that staying at home has fueled my introverted tendencies. I think it's healthy to cultivate attitudes of both, even if one tends to be 'type' you withdraw to when the chips are down. Sometimes doing things outside of our immediate comfort zone are a good push fro us to flex our extrovert muscles a little. Definitely something to think about. Unfortunately wanting to write is playing in to all my introvert tendencies – I shall be a hermit in a wood with lots of cats by the time I'm 60, I guarantee it
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http://planted-in-the-earth.blogspot.com/
I'm much more introverted and the extrovert list is completely James. I've found it very easy to 'hide' behind James or to simply be invisible (In that respect our wedding day was complete torture for me)
I found socialising with Abigail very, very hard to begin with. I spent the first few sessions of Baby Group sat in the corner. I was rescued by another Mum and that has helped me talk to some of the other Mums. It's still tricky and if there are more than two Mums on a buggy walk I'm invariably at the back. I do keep persisting though, for Abigail's benefit.
There are still s
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 10:52 amRelationships work well when they balance each other out I think. My hubby has some very extrovert tendencies – feeds of company with other people and gets very low if he has too much time on his own. But he is also very calming, steady, very matter-of-fact which helps off-set all my endless woe and drama!
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http://clinicallyfedup.com/
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http://geekymummy.blogspot.com/
That is such a wonderful book, it has helped me so much in my parenting. I'm a pretty strong extrovert by most of the tests (Meyers Brigg, Kinsey) and your list above, probably why I couldn't imagine leaving my workplace to be an at home mum. I feel my daughter is more introvert based on the books assessment, and it has helped me to understand her needs a lot. I don't know a whole lot about Jungian philosphy, very interesting comments!
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 10:55 amJung is one approach, it kind of spawned Mayers Briggs etc. And I do find it fascinating! There does come a point though where I'm never sure how well such a concrete view of people 'fits' with how diverse humanity is. But if thinking through these things gives us some insight into ourselves and our children it can only be a good thing
Nice to find someone else that found the book helpful![Reply]
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http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/
I always thought I was an extrovert, but according to those questions, I'm definitely an introvert. Interesting. I suppose I cope by building my week so I get alone time. Two creche days and sacred nap times. Also, when it gets too much, Babes gets handed the kids and I go and hide somewhere.
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 10:57 amYep I think one of the main defining ideas of the theory is where introverts/extroverts draw their energy. So you could be quite out going but introverted if you need to re-charge with time alone. Likewise you could be quite quiet and shy, but be drained and depressed by your own company, needing to feed off the energy of others.
Me, I'm, just a miserable bugger who hates everyone and just wants to go to sleep all day
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http://www.strocel.com
I am borderline. In the past I was more of an introvert, but now I am more of an extravert. My kids both seem to be pretty strongly extraverted, and I think that might be influencing me. It's self-defense, for me. Thankfully, it's not that hard for me to switch as needed.
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At work and in company I'm an extrovert(I have to be I'm a Manager of a Contact Centre) at home I am an introvert and need alone time. If I don't get it. it all goes pear shaped and I'm no good to anyone! So a bit of both. Oh and I'm also really shy, but I have things I do to cope (like drink at parties …!)
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Definitely in introvert here! And I find the same problem with never having 'me' time. I just want the house to myself sometimes, no husband, no kids….but I never get it.
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http://newdaynewlesson.com/
Am quite shocked but according to that list I am an extrovert??? Hmmm. who would have figured (am being serious, not sarcastic)
BTW-want to suggest another book for you as well. How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. By Faber and Mayzlish. I actually will sometimes give the book to parents who are expecting so they read it before the kids are born. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267303118&sr=8-1
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 11:02 amThank you! Have heard that recommended by a few people so will have a look (ooh you're dead useful you are! Shall have to make you my personal book recommenderer… if that's a word?!)
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Susie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 11:06 amLOL-would love to be. Hmmm better get to reading some more new books cause I think I already gave you links to all the books I like.
Actually what do you think about maybe starting a book exchange club? I know I have lent out to people (some overseas) books of mine. Even overseas postage I think is cheaper than buying the books. No? My problem is that I like to have the books that I like so i can lend them out. Am funny. I have even purchased the hebrew translation of books I enjoyed so I can lend them out here to non english readers.
Maybe I'll start a discussion on Judith's room about it.
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http://www.somuchtodo.co.uk/
Ooooh, this has made me think, and… ummm…. well…
I've come up with exactly half and half going through the 'criteria'.
I crave adult company, and revel in it, but I need solitude to gather myself together before and after.
I never talk to distant friends/strangers on the phone but will talk to people I am close to forever.
I have some problems I share and others I refuse to share until I've thought it out completely.Hmmm… I must continue to think this through.
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http://1husband2kidsandlotsofbooks.blogspot.com/
Some great book recommendations. I am extremely introverted. At times it has led to me getting pretty depressed, at others it's made being alone with a child easier than it probably is for some extroverts. The most challenging thing is feeling like I have to be sociable with other parents for the benefit of my kids – especially my Son who is now at school – but starting up / even replying to conversations with strangers is very, very hard. I have some really, really good, close friends and that's fine – like you I sometimes never shut up – but what I really struggle with is superficicial small talk and unfortunately that's usually required at the start of a new relationship – if only to invite someone's child round to play. At the moment I feel good but mainly because we up sticks and moved to the other end of the country. I really enjoyed my career, but I think, looking back that 'giving' all the working day to being with other people and then doing the same with my husband and kids and finding time for friends was just too much. Now Son is at school, I get to have a couple of hours a day while Daughter sleeps which I use to work on my own stuff, read, or just think… but definitely be alone. Let's hope she's a faithful napper for years to come!
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Am also definitely in the half and half camp. I like telling someone about my awful day AND slumping on the sofa with a magazine. I'm also better with small groups but I'm also, or can be, very chatty. Sounds like a great read, but I think it would stress me out if I couldn't even decide which camp I fall into…..
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Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 11:05 amAhh I kind of love all these comments from people that don't 'fit' a category. Good! Humanity is complex and interesting. Theories are interesting and all well and good but we are also just allowed to be ourselves and not worry to much if that doesn't fit!
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http://www.angelsandurchins.co.uk/blog
Really interesting. I'm more of an extrovert, with plenty of slumping on the sofa moments. My three children seem to be introvert, extrovert and super-extrovert – and I find the introvert the most challenging because I find it difficult to understand why he hates going into a huge group of children, say at a party. I'll check the book out, and it might hopefully help me understand why new situations can appear more challenge than fun opportunity.
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Hello!
First of all great post!
I am most definatly a introvert, to the extent of not answering my phone, ignoring the door bell etc.. yep strange I am!
Most of the time the only reason I socialise with other people is for Isabelle, and I HATE big crowds, I just fade into the background. My mum and her mum are/were extremly introvert as well and that has obviously rubbed off on me, so I AM determined to break the cycle with Isabelle! I also struggle with the no “me” time and reading your post and the above comments has made me realise i'm not (too!) strange!! Thank you Josie x
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http://www.twitter.com/myautisticson
I'm happy you find this book revealing.
Deep down, I'm an extrovert. I can hardly get exhausted with extroverted side. However I have developed and enjoyed tremendously the introvert world. I think I need both to feel balanced. My wife is so introverted and have had more trouble setting into her mom shoes and provide for our extroverted son. They are like Ying and Yang in terms of needs. She needs space and more so quiet space. He cracks fire and love to laugh out loud. I have had more understanding of my son's needs than my wife will ever. I think recognizing each other's needs is critical. I can so understand and thus support my wife's need for “Me” time, for retreat time, for “I don't exist at the moment” time, for I need to read or listen to music time. It's crucial for her to respect herself. As an extrovert, at the very beginning of our relationship, I took it as something was wrong with her or with me, she wanted to be away from me. It had of course nothing to do with me (or maybe), she just need space. I remember that even when I knew that, at the beginning, I would still pop in and try to talk to her, as if I could not deal with it, unconsciously probably. I couldn't help my self but to want to connect. Now that I think about it, it feels childish. now that reminds me of my son… it is exactly how he reacts to her. He can't possibly grasp the notion that she would want to be alone… lol. Since, I've been over taken by more extroverted than myself, I know now it an feel to seek introverted needs.
Let us know about your journey with this book.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 11:14 amHi Eric. I'm lucky I guess is that my hubby is very understanding of my need for space – almost too understanding. I always tell him he has the right to tell me I'm being a selfish cow sometimes and to come out of my little bubble!!
Will definitely be talking more about the book at some point so watch this space!
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Luckily I'm getting a little more these days – two evenings when Ant's out and I get a bit of quiet and an afternoon sometimes with no Kai either. Definitely makes me appreciate the time I DO spend with them more 
Josie Reply:
February 26th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Nearly EVERYONE will pick some from each category but you picked a lot more Introverted ones so I'm guessing that's the one you'd favour
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