Personality Types and Parenting

Ever so often you come across a book that changes your life. Well, I do anyway.

They catapult you down new roads of interests and discoveries, or they bring new insight into something you have been struggling with, or they just leave you feeling lighter and more at peace with yourself and the world.

‘Women Who Run With the Wolves’ was probably one of them. ‘Sophie’s World’ almost certainly another.

Right now I’m reading ‘Raising Your Spirited Child’ by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it is blowing my fricking mind.

I’m only a few chapters in but already it is really making me think and do a whole internal shift around. About Kai (who I SWEAR Mary had in mind when she was writing it, 16 years before he was born!) and what his behaviour and ‘needs’ might be telling me, and about myself as a parent – why it is I struggle so much with him and what I might be able to do to make our life together more manageable.

I will no doubt end up blogging more about the ideas and challenges it presents. I’m not naive enough to think it holds all the answers to my problems and that somehow after reading it Kai will morph into a super easy and compliant child, or that I will morph into a super patient and wise parent, but it does feel like a little glimmer of hope in the dark and I am holding on to that.

One of the first concepts the book talks about is the idea of Introversion and Extroversion, not just our children, but in terms of ourselves as well.

The idea springs from my friend Mr Jung again, who suggests that if we take Introverted and Extroverted behaviour as a spectrum, all of us will slot in more towards one or the other. In other words, even if we all show some characteristics of both, we will, fundamentally be either an introvert or an extrovert in that we will fall more naturally towards one tendency or the other.

Raising Your Spirited Child works through a series of questions that help you to identify both where your child and yourself fall along that spectrum. By working out which tendency we take, it helps us to work out the motivations behind both our child’s behaviours and our own reactions to them as well as the things we need to do, for our children and for ourselves to help us feel happy and energised . It’s quite fascinating!

I won’t go into it in huge detail, especially in terms of children’s Introverted or Extroverted natures which is a whole other post, but I am curious to know: which are you? As a person and/or as a parent? An Introvert or an Extrovert?

Here’s some prompts to help you decide. Like I say, you’ll probably find you agree with statements from both but see which one you’re more drawn towards:

If you are an Extrovert, you probably:

• After a hard day, you need to talk to someone, either in person or on the phone
• Are quite gregarious and outgoing
• Enjoy being around people and feel energized by company
• Think quickly and need to talk-out your ideas, thoughts and experiences
• Need and like to hear that others love you and like your work
• Solve problems by talking them through with someone else
• Feel comfortable initiating conversations
• Sometimes feel guilty for talking too much and not listening enough
• Feel exhausted if you have spend too much time on your own or without adult company
• Enjoy sharing your experiences and revealing things about yourself.

If you are an Introvert, you probably:

• Retreat with a book or newspaper or zone out in front of the TV when you’ve had a hard day
• Will do anything to avoid having to talk to someone on the phone
• Find being in large groups exhausting and overwhelming
• Prefer company with small groups or individuals, especially those you know well
• Find it difficult to talk about yourself and your personal feelings
• Find yourself hiding sometimes to escape company or confrontation
• Solve problems by thinking them though before talking about them to anyone else
• Prefer to watch and listen before joining in
• Feel restored by peace and quiet and time on your own.

Which are you?

Society has always tended to favour Extroverts – they’re the movers and the shakers, the people we tend to admire and be drawn to. Introverts are usually more at the fringes of ‘popular’ society. They’re the quiet ones at school, the dreamers, the artists.

Now I know I’ve always had Introverted tendencies but until I’d really thought about it I hadn’t realised just how strong that Introverted instinct was. And what came as a real revelation is that THAT is why I struggle being a mum so much.

As an Introvert I need time alone, space to think and work on my own projects, like I need food and water. It’s what gives me strength and keeps me feeling sane and full of energy. However, my problem is that as a mother and a wife I very, very rarely get these things any more. More often than not, in fact, I am pushed more and more into an Extrovert’s world – one of constant company, activity, needing to talk and communicate. As a mother there is an expectation that I will be sociable, outgoing, spending time with other mums and children and taking part in lots of activities. Time alone is an almost non-existent commodity.

Is it any wonder that I’m exhausted?!

How about you? How does your life as a parent ‘fit’ with your needs as an Extrovert or an Introvert?

Perhaps as an Extrovert you feel isolated without enough opportunities for adult company and people to talk to? Perhaps this has influenced the way you structure your day or decisions you’ve made about returning to work? Perhaps this has meant ‘salvation’ in the form of baby and toddler groups?

Or perhaps, like me, you find parenting seemingly at odds with your Introverted nature? How do you find ways of managing this conflict? Or are you still struggling?

I would love, as ever, to hear your thoughts.