Falling snow

I am not going to talk about how hard I have found today.

I am not going to talk about the fact that Kai is sick again. My poor poppet with his ribs still poking out of his once portly abdomen, who has only just got his appetite back and is now back to nibbling miserably at the odd biscuit while he fills nappy after nappy.

I am not going to talk about the fact that all this has meant I had to cancel my one afternoon off in nearly a month. That I’m not likely to get another one for another month, or that the thought of this has made me sob today with disappointment and need, and with guilt that this mattered more to me than the fact that Kai was sick.

That all I wanted was a couple of hours to sit a drink hot chocolate and work on my now-inevitably-late assignment as I watched the people pass outside the cafe window; to wander around the park and take photos of light on water, and to buy nail polish and paint my toe nails a deep, blood red.

I am not going to talk about the fact that, despite my best intentions, the only way I have survived today is by having Postman Pat and Fireman Sam on repeat.

I’m not going to talk about that.

Or not much anyway.

No.

I am going to talk about my amazing, perceptive boy.

Who can sound out a bin-lorry or a police siren from streets away, who notices a tap dripping from another room, and who, despite the thick net curtains that hang from our street-side window, noticed within seconds today that snow had begun to form in thick, soft, silent flakes upon our grey row of houses.

My boy who jabbered and pointed excitedly until my attention and my comprehension had caught up and who raced to the door, begging to see.

My boy who, in a moment of compulsion and an invisible push from I don’t know where, I swept up and outside under the cold grey sky, into the street to twirl and dance as snow fell on our hair and on our tongues, and on my cheeks wet with tears.

In that moment I did not feel guilt, or loss, or pain.

Just love.

Overwhelming, heart-stopping love that made me ache for the touch and the closeness of his little body in my arms as I brought him inside to resume his place on my lap, his head against my face.

That is what I want to talk about.

Because although this has been a shitty, shitty day, that moment right there?

Was perfect.