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In the In-between

Posted by on Feb 17, 2010 in Me | 11 comments

It’s been a funny few days.

Ever so often, quite regularly actually, I seem to hit a point in my life that seems like a transition. I feel between, balanced on the cusp of something, but what I’m never really sure. It’s almost like I can smell change: a vibration in the air that makes my brain twitch, registering some subtlety of something.

I don’t know what it is or what’s on the other side.

I just feel… different.

I’m in one of those in-between times right now.

It’s making me a little jumpy, impulsive. I’m finding it hard to settle, my attention flitting endless back and forth between different things.

I’m feeling pushed to move. To get out, walk, only to fall back through the door hours later to collapse, brain and body fried from just sheer being.

But I feel better. So much better from the fog of the last few weeks, in which I felt like I’ve stumbled, half-asleep.

I feel awake. Alive. It’s a good feeling.

I just wish I knew why. And what I’m supposed to do with the building pressure when I don’t feel like I have any time or space to channel it.

Life seems to have an intensity about it at the moment. I wonder sometimes if I’m being affected by Kai, who seems to live life in such vivid colours right now – everything is bold flashes of red and black, purple and gold with him. If anything I feel like he is the force pushing me, challenging me to change and to grow.

Life doesn’t seem ‘right’ with him. That feeling of missing something, waiting for a piece of the puzzle to click extends completely to him too. I feel like if I can just find the thing that I’m so obviously missing with him everything will be better.

Maybe that’s naive, I don’t know. I doubt there’s some magic answer that will suddenly make life easier.

But I find myself thinking, planning, pushed into making changes to try and anticipate and accommodate his needs a bit more, to try and find better ways of relating to each other and muddling through our day as companions, since that is what we are and what I so often seem to forget.

It’s meaning less time for my own things. Less time for writing, blogging, project work. That’s enough to make me twitchy on its own I guess, but right now I feel like I have no other option, at least until this feeling of pressure lifts, this need to think and adapt. And that’s confusing because my need to write, to be creative, is still very strong and yet seems at odds with the direction that Kai is pushing in.

Something is changing. Or something needs to change.

I just don’t know what.

Is it me?

Do you ever feel like this? How do you deal with times of challenge and change?

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  • http://www.marathonmummy.com karamina

    Josie, I’ve said it before, but you really, really remind me of me! I get the very same feelings too. (And whilst I remember, I love that photo – illustrates your point beautifully)

    I don’t want to spook you, but (taking a big breath here, because this may send you running for the hills!) have you ever explored your spiritual side? I mean clairvoyance, not church.

    Going to hit send now before I change my mind and delete it in case you think I’m completely bonkers. x

    [Reply]

  • http://clinicallyfedup.com MrsW

    Aren’t you moving house soon too? That alone would leave me sleepless with tense excitement.

    Life’s challenges are what keep us moving forward.

    I find a bottle of wine usually takes the edge off :)
    .-= MrsW´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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  • http://crunchiemummy.wordpress.com Karen @ If I Could Escape

    Absolutely! I’ve had so many times in my life when I have felt like that. A good friend of mine likens it to coughing up a furball! You cough it up and move on. Hugs to ya!
    .-= Karen @ If I Could Escape´s last blog ..I’m the grumpy old troll … =-.

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  • http://www.notesfromlapland.blogspot.com Heather

    With the house move and recent stuff you are bound to feel somewhat discombobulated and a bit pingy (they’e real words in my mind, okay). I’m with MrsW a bottle of wine’ll help you settle. I pop round with a bottle, shall I?
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..What Makes A Good Blog Post? =-.

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  • http://www.notesfromlapland.blogspot.com Heather

    p.s i rather love your font on this new blog. what is it?
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..What Makes A Good Blog Post? =-.

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  • http://www.andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou.wordpress.com Kerry

    Feel like it all the time, and I think with having Kia and Baba at the age that they are that is what is like for them. They are learning new things and I look at Baba sometimes and he seems to be looking for something and he is never satisfied with what he has so I think it is probably very similar to how you are feeling now.

    I usually find a couple of days of not trying to do anything, and then everything seems to fall into place again.

    I think it is a common feeling so don’t worry. xx
    .-= Kerry´s last blog ..The day I told Mr L! =-.

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  • http://WebsiteURL jane

    I know these feelings! It reads to me like two different things which are coexisting at the moment. The jumpy, expectant hyperalive feeling for me usually comes on the flip side of some illness. I guess like the fog you’ve been through for the past few weeks. To me it feels like the mind is sparking, enjoying freedom when all of its energies have been devoted to just surviving whatever was dragging me down. I usually start 1001 projects when I feel like this, very few of which ever get finished.

    And has for how you are feeling with Kai oh how I know that search for the missing ingredient. If only I . .

    What has surprised me most about being a mum is the non linearity of it all. How for a while (like 2 days) it seems to be that I know my boys and we’re doing okay and I can predict the chaos that each day will bring. And then it all changes, I never know why, and we have to get to know each other again. I’m back to being pleased if we are all dressed and able to get out the door by midday and half an hour of tv free time is a victory.

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  • http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/ april

    Yes, feel like this OFTEN. Possibly too often. what do I do? make dramatic , drastic changes, In my life- not the best strategy.
    Or I hide away and analyse until it feels more settled…
    “unsettled” and “unclicking” are things that really resonate with me, right now I don’t feel settled in most of my life, it is either prickly, or stabby or like a hairy jumper that is three sizes too small…and there are so many things that i need to change and do, for my poor muddled up babies and for me to happily live in another state and just simply to be settled in my life and get my mind to stop screaming (oh sigh – post hyjack- sorry) just essentially – I get it, if i could find the one thing i could change to make my bubs happy all the time, to not have the problems they do, i would give anything.
    And right now i’m tired and worn out by this unsettled hurting itchy and sad life…
    and I hope that the changes settle soon for you, that the stairs stop essentially, maybe thats how we can see it, stairs in the dark, between the flat bits of life.
    And now I shall stop carrying on.
    Feel free to edit/delete *blushing at length of comment*
    .-= april´s last blog ..The death of a bag….. =-.

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    Josie Reply:
    February 17th, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Love your beautiful comment my sweet.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/myautisticson Eric

    Ah the sheer being of the self, of being WITH our our beloved… listening, let holdings (fears and worries) go, accepting, fully embracing, walk in the shoes of our beloved to see new insights, new paths, find new balance… it can be joyful, fulfilling… indeed.

    I found that was THE way to be around my kid and to understand this very special little man. It has helped me tremendously. I can recommend it to any parent on the planet.

    I’m happy to have read this post which got almost taken out for goods (what?!). I found this post far from meaningless, quite the contrary.

    Cheers m’dear,

    [Reply]

  • http://www.marathonmummy.com/ karamina

    Josie, I've said it before, but you really, really remind me of me! I get the very same feelings too. (And whilst I remember, I love that photo – illustrates your point beautifully)

    I don't want to spook you, but (taking a big breath here, because this may send you running for the hills!) have you ever explored your spiritual side? I mean clairvoyance, not church.

    Going to hit send now before I change my mind and delete it in case you think I'm completely bonkers. x

    [Reply]