On TV, boredom, and not knowing what on earth to do with this child.

OK, I actually have a couple of great tips for you. Get Kai his own cleaning set. A feather duster, cloth, pretend spray and even a mini hoover. Let him “help” mummy and daddy clean, give him little areas to clean. Give him a baby wipe and ask him to clean the skirting. Let him hoover. Less work for you and before you know it he will be doing it for you. I kid you not, children just want to be like their parents.

How about giving him a cuboard in the kitchen with his own pans etc in, I always let the minis in to the pan cupboard and left a wooden spoon for them. It was the only cupboard without children locks on.

I use radio a lot and also audio CD’s and books.

At Kai;s age Play dough is a good craft thing, as he can leave it and come back to it. Crafting doesn’t have to be hard, often it is the simple things that appeal to them. Make it fun and safe, how about a tray with squirty cream on for him to play with.

If you are on the PC, then let him copy and pretend with a play laptop.

I am full of ideas after having a very similar child in Maxi. Just give me a shout and I will spurt more!!

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 13th, 2010 at 11:08 am

@The Mad House, Those are fantastic suggestions, thank you. I KNEW you’d have some good ones!

Beginning I think I need to get organised. Perhaps rearrange the house a bit to make more space and opportunities for him to ‘join in’. We don’t have a spare cupboard (I only have two!) but there is room for a little box with his own bits in and I think the cleaning kit is a GREAT idea.

I haven’t tried Playdough yet… that’s worth a try too.

Thank you my friend – I may be contacting you for more tips!

[Reply]

This is something that we struggle with too. Been thinking about it since reading Notes from Lapland’s post. I think using it when you or Kai is ill is understandable. In fact, more than that – it’s good! (At least this is the justification/excuse that I’ve come to believe!) When you’re poorly you need to rest and TV provides a focus for toddlers to stop being so manic and give them and you a rest. They can’t amuse themselves with a book or a magazine. It’s tough for them.

And as for the rest of the time – Our TV use fluctuates but is always more than I like. But it was an absolute lifesaver when number 2 was born and the 2 year old needed an activity to stop him injuring himself/me/the baby whilst I was glued to the settee perpetually breast feeding. Even now, he’s always trying to persuade me that the baby needs milk cause that sometimes equals tv time.

It’s harder in winter, it’s harder in a small house without a garden you can just let them loose in (really sympathise with the lack of space), it’s harder when they make chores worse rather than better (that has got better for us the past few months, the hoover stopped being evil last month – result!) Anyway, this is just rambling, but it’s supposed to be rambling sympathy and understanding cause it’s something that preoccupies me too.

The only suggestion I have is when I think okay, it’s gotten beyond what I can justify is that I try to dial it back just a little bit. When I’ve tried to cut back to whatever I’ve read is the recommended limit without frying their brains chaos (and rebellion) ensues. I’ve had much more success with thinking just once or twice through the day – okay, for this next 20 minutes I would usually use the tv, let’s not. And we do something for a little while. TV then goes on after. Might not cut it back by much but it feels good. And actually by doing that over time we’ve gradually built up our repertoire of other things to do. God, I do go on. This is why I don’t comment much!

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 13th, 2010 at 11:13 am

@jane, Hello Jane! Well you should comment more, that was lovely.

Thank you that is good advice. I’ve been trying to do something similar – not just reaching for the remote out of habit when I’ve had enough but thinking of an alternative. Not easy though, especially if you are so tired.

P.S. Glad to ‘see’ you again – I missed you!

[Reply]

Hey there! I’m new to your blog, but not to your situation:) I have a two year old and an 8 month old, so I know the feeling well. Do you have many other mommy friends? Other mothers with toddlers you can have over for a morning or an afternoon? The kids can play away and you can get a bit of chill out time or else potter about whilst chatting someone else who knows the score. Other mothers are my lifeline Also, I started going to a mother/toddler group lately. While the thought of these used to make me cringe, my daughter is old enough to enjoy them now and absolutley loves going. I get to have a cup of coffee and some chocolate covered biccies so we’re all winners Same goes with the local indoor play gym, 5 euro entry and she can play as much as she likes. They also do regular classes in the mornings as well like arts and crafts and music which are good fun for them (and again, more tea and biccies for me!) and not too hard on the pocket book. We do get out for a walk to run errands each day, but like yourself, I’m just not up for spending all day everyday out doors in the playground, It might keep her happy but I would be a quivering wreck on the ground.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:02 am

@Mammydiaries, Hi there! Thanks for stopping by!

Yep we try to get to a playgroup in the week and usually friends house a couple of times but (as I’m sure I’ll moan about endlessly if you keep reading the blog!) Kai is having some ‘issues’ with playgroups and the like that make them really stressful so I tend to avoid them!!

LOVE that you have an ‘indoor play gym’ – would kill for something like that round here.

[Reply]

I’m too lazy to type out a paragraph so will do you some bullet points of some ideas that spring to mind!

-playdough, good, quick easy and you can even make your own which is cheaper than bought and you can add glitter etc to it to make it interesting. You won’t care that way if it gets left out to dry up.

-Water play. Up at the kitchen sink. Towel on the floor, wearing just a nappy. Let him have random stuff to pour with etc, add some toy cars to the mix or plastic fish or anything you don’t mind getting wet. Let him do this while you do kitchen jobs.

-Sticking. Cut out old christmas cards or magazines and store in a box. Get paper a glue stick and let him stick and glue. Glitter glue is good. My 3yo will sit and snip up paper for over 40 minutes. It makes a big mess but is easily cleared up and gives me some time, especially if I put music on for her such as the Mamma Mia soundtrack! (I know Kai is younger, so this may be one for the future)

-Let him help you load the washing machine, sort the washing.

-I think boys especially need a “run out” like dogs do! I really notice even now with my 9yo that his beahviour improves if he has been outside each day. You can always take him a bag and collect stuff as you go along such as sticks, stones, leaves etc, or just walk to a local shop and let him carry something important back with him. Not so easy in winter but you dont have to go far, just make up an errand or “job” you need his help with.

-Me and my friend used to sometimes just let our boys have a bath in the middle of the day and play for ages with pots, bath toys, plastic stuff, bubbles, making potions etc.

- At 2&1/2 he should be able to go to a playgroup, cost is normally about £8 a session for around 3 hours. There is bound to be a waiting list so look now and get his name down. Its not long to wait and it will make it easier.

I think every parent can relate to what you’ve said, so don’t feel bad at all. I ahve made much less effort with my third child, she loves to potter about in her older siblings toys, medling with stuff she shouldn’t have!

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:07 am

@Abby, Fab suggestions thank you (I am making notes of all of these!). Smiled at the ‘run’ out suggestion – I have EXACTLY the same policy and me and Kai will go out for a ‘run’ every day, even if it’s a wander down the high street with Kai looking in all the windows.

Thank you for these – much appreciated!

[Reply]

Hi Josie,
As I said at the BMB MOSI meet up, I think Boy and Kai are so similar. The good news is, Boy gets earier every day, he’s growing out of a lot of his “difficultness”. The TV, when I was heaviy pregnant and then when I was nursing a newborn non-stop, the TV was on 8 or more hours a day. I didn’t think we’d ever get out of it and “reset”, but he hardly ever asks for it on now, and we watch less than 30mins a day. I bought a cupboard lock for the TV cabinet, and went cold turkey, except the last half hour of cbeebies (so that when it went off, that was it). But I cut myself slack. Pick your battles. Bad days happen. Put the TV one. Cleaning, as above, get him involved. Can you hoover with him in a sling on your back? Let him turn it on, so he knows he/you control it. It’s not a monster. We have ear defenders that serve purpose for hoovering and drying hair . Crafts: this didn’t come for a long time with Boy, and I feel (sometimes still do) for your broken heartedness after all that work, it’s so not worth it! We have a (borrowed) fun pod (like a safe platform that they can’t fall off or get down while his hands are still full of paint! Kat at slugs on the refridgerator suggests car painting; this works up to a point. But instead, i go for cooking. Not baking, but stuff you actually need to do, like making tea. Get him ripping up mushrooms or juicing lemons. Teach him the names/colours/shapes of different foods as you go. Do the prep round the dining table so he can go in his highchair. So what if he eats a bit of raw garlic?? Boy loves helping to cook.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:12 am

@all grown up, Hi you! Thank you for popping by – glad to hear Boy is getting easier!

Great suggestions, thank you. I think when Kai’s a bit older he’s going to love listening to some music or a book through headphones and I reckon that will work well helping to ‘block’ out noise he doesn’t like.

[Reply]

Hi Josie,
I know exactly what you’re saying as I suffer the same but mid Jan to last Weds we were recovering from one cold, cough or another and it just went on and on and on and boy did that TV come in handy.
I guess as we move to warmer weather and can get out more hopefully there’ll be less TV.
The girls also should keep each other company but they don’t all the time.
Love the tips above and have just tried the Playdough but if I’m not with them they want to try eating it Arrrrghhhh. Now we’re doing ‘colouring in’, basic crayons and a Wilkos colouring book. It’ll last nano seconds and believe me by the time 7.30 comes (Na nights in this house) I’m shattered and shaking for a glass of wine.
Bring on the Spring in the meantime let’s make Ceebeebies work for us xx

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:14 am

@Marianne, Oh gosh yes – roll on Spring!! That’s interesting you know as I always assume with twins that they will play together all day. I’m enjoying stealing everyone’s tips here – hope you find a few too!

Love to B & A xx

[Reply]

This is like my constant refrain, and it’s tedious but it’s true. Toddlers are hard but they get easier. My daughter wouldn’t entertain herself at ALL as a toddler. She wanted my total and undivided attention, and her own attention span was short. So I’d set up some great activity and she’d love it for like 7 minutes and then she’d be so OVER it. But she just naturally got better as she got older, and in retrospect I would say it was less about me finding the solution and more about her finding it in her own time.

As for the TV, ours died about 15 months ago and we chose not to replace it. I was terrified, I’ll admit it. What I found, though, was that we spent a lot of time fighting about TV. She’d watch one program, and be quiet for 22 minutes, but then it would end and she would cry and scream for more, and I would spend an hour dealing with the fallout. In the end, for us, just getting rid of the thing altogether made life easier. However, I do have to point out in fairness that my daughter was almost 4 when the TV died, and so in a better place to self-entertain.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..The Valentine Blues =-.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:18 am

@Amber, “…I would say it was less about me finding the solution and more about her finding it in her own time.”

That’s an interesting perspective Amber, thank you. I do find myself secretly wishing for life without the blasted box. My husband has rather different ideas on the subject though!

[Reply]

All “rules” go out of the window in this house when there’s illness about. It doesn’t matter who’s sick. We’ve just come out of one of these “Oh my God, the TV is always on!” Mammy panics about a week ago. Prompted by thoughts of murder if I heard The Wonder Pets theme tune one more time. (TV on-demand is a curse).
It’s hard. But I read somewhere that it’s not the TV in and of itself that’s harmful, it’s the fact that their little brains could be doing so many other things and learning so much if they weren’t watching it. And seeing my fella sit in a zombie-like trance in front of the TV, I can concede that point. So that’s what motivates me to turn the TV off. I’m not sure if it’s true, but the thought that his brain is developing more by crawling around eating fluff off the carpet (another scaredy cat when it comes to the hoover) than when he is watching TV motivates and sustains me.
And if there’s a meltdown? The offer of a bath turns him into a different boy. And I can drink my coffee in peace while he’s in there. If I were a different woman, I would say I can clean the bathroom, but I don’t and I won’t.
I’ve given up on housework. It’s the only way to retain my sanity.
.-= turtleturtleturtle´s last blog ..Sleep! =-.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:21 am

@turtleturtleturtle, It is the zombie-like state that makes me cringe so much too. It CAN’T be the best thing! And yes, that’s my motivation too…

Kai’s a bit funny with baths (will only have one if his dad’s here). Maybe I should try them in the day a bit more… hmm…

Thanks chick!

[Reply]

Hi Josie,
Here is my 2 cts:

- RE: Tv. honeslty, if it gives you some downtime for yourself and himself, there is nothing wrong with that. If you worried he is watching things you don’t want to, then buy DVD, or record the shows he likes (Balamorey, Come outside, etc). To avoid too much time in front of it, distract him with things he loves, see next point.
Whatever works for you guys is the way to go. Forget moral or educational standards.

- RE: having him involved in activities. Identify the activities he like the most and provide him with toys that allow him to explore further. He may like to play kitchen, so invest in a small kitchen for him. toys are never as cool as when kids love them (not necessarily the fancy ones we anticipate). So it means pay thorough attention to what cracks him up. noises?, blocks? tchoo tchoo trains? etc.

- organize a space only for him. Where he can do what he wants the way he wants.

- RE: vacuum and other whizzy sounds. I could be that he is overwhelmed by these sounds (he may be too sensitive at auditory level), that is why he protest vehemently. Some people even say noise can hurt. A tip is to put him as far as you can from the sound, and distract him from them. So tune him into a video (potable dvd player as been miraculous for us) in his room with doors closed, or give him earphones and his favorite music.

- going out. you don’t need to go to the park if he has issues there. Walking and discovering the world with you can be a lot of fun. a wood stick can get you really far LOL. No need for much to distract, when outside. He loves constructions right? Why not find a place like that, and go there. There is no swing or slide, but the point is not what he is supposed to like but what he may like. Think outside the box, and let him show you the way. Is it banging 2 pieces of wood (goal make noise) or running across home (goal moving), then, he might a dancing video, being attacked by a Josie wolf. If he likes being very active? He may like jumping. So why not let him jump on your bed… I know “no monkey jumping on the bed”, but it might just be the thing for him. If you have a patio, then you might just go for a trampoline…

- RE failing. You are not failing, you are figuring out how to go with Kai.

One main underlying point in all these bullets points is that sometime we need to think outside of the box, and step in our kid’s shoes. What does he like the most and take it from there. I’m not saying you are not. But sometime, we see what we want to see. We have our own needs and we allow only for certain things. Each behavior has a function which answer a need (think about it. this is critical). The key is to find the function the behavior tries to fulfill. Not one single behavior is nonsense. They all have a reason to be. A common pitfall is to overlook or downplay the motive. So my way with my kids is to follow their leads. Sometimes, we or they end up doing very unusual things, but do I care? not really. They are less frustrated and us as well.

I hope this helps (not sure). There is so much more I could say if I had a broader picture. If you need to talk more your challenges with Kai, please don’t be afraid to call me. I would love to be an ear for you. I have some experience in the struggle department and have some understanding of what you may go through. Take care.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:35 am

@Eric, Eric my friend these are brilliant suggestions, you always can relate so well and are very perceptive about Kai and his needs. Means a lot to have you here. I think the idea about trying to step into Kai’s shoes is one I’m really trying to take on board right now. I’m always left with this sense that I could be a better mother to Kai if I could just understand how he’s thinking!

So this is something I’m trying to do. I feel like I need to structure his ‘world’ in a way that works for him (and so me!)

Thank you xx

[Reply]

Eric Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 6:21 pm

@Josie,
Thanks Josie.
Re-reading it, you may think that I suggest Kai can do anything he likes without any restriction… I’m not saying to allow any behavior, but to support the ones he is seeking, in respect to manners he needs to learn as well. For instance, he shouldn’t be allowed to hit people or throw hard objects across the room… The trick is to interchange the activity and fulfill same purpose. Instead, respectively, he can hit a drum, or kick a ball… LOL

[Reply]

I know that most parents worry about the amount of TV that they allow their kids to watch but it is a non issue in our house. Our TV is on for most of the day but the kids could easily be without it, I think that this is because we have never limited them from watching it.

We spend plenty of time together as a family doing other activities together and they are both very happy little children so as long as you balance the TV with spending time with them I really wouldn’t worry about it. If you say thay can’t watch it – it makes them want it more.

Also the majority of childrens TV has some educational benefit and helps them to learn in a fun way.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 7:54 am

@Magic Mummy, Thank you – that’s a useful perspective. You’re right, it is all about balance after all. Just don’t feel like I’ve got that at the moment

[Reply]

Arriving late at this one hon – BUT.
1. This year is the year we I went NO MORE with the TV, the computer, the DS, and the Wii- the amount of time that my children spent watching and/or playing on these over the summer holidays was MASSIVE – ie – pretty much 6-8 hours a day…
I know Mum guilt…but they were so BORED and honestly I am tired of the craft projects that never get cleaned up or put away, or houses mae out of sheets that have to be left where they are for a week – its exhausting and parents deserve time and speace too (especially when children are 8 and 10) so we set up new boundries and timelines and thus far (2 weeks in) they are sticking to them.
As to what I did with son at same age, I sat and “played” with him, which was watching him put everything exactly where he wanted it and waiting to be handed something to do, I took him for walks A LOT (as you are) we watched SO much Thomas “you have caused confusion and delay” is still a family catchphrase, and I was VERY lucky , becasue he had an older sister – so his days at about this age, at least 3 of them, were bookmarked by getting her to kinder and from kinder and then playing with her.
But – he loved Play-Doh, you can make home made, so its cheap and easy.
Yes, he HAD to get out of the house or went CRAZY bored.
HATED when I went on computer (so time was limited till when Dad was around too)
But as for letting him watch educational TV so you can have a half hour of you tim – go for it – he’ll learn stuff, and you will have a breather.
Try play doh, try limiting TV to the shows you think are good, by taping them or buying DVDs, and try this one for paint – if you have roll on deoderant bottles that are empty, if you soak them in boiling water the ball comes out, you then wash the bottle and fill itwith paint, soak and re-insert ball – thus not quite so messy paint time.
Either way – I figure at the frustrating age there is no such thing as TOO MUCH tv – unless it is all day every day and absolute rubbish – if he is entertained, and you get some rest, then it is worth it, if this means that then he gets some quality time with happy rested Mum at the park or somesuch then he will benifit even more.
and good luck – it is one of the MOST frustrating ages before teenage-hood
.-= april´s last blog ..A wonderful blogger – edited version of why I created the ‘blogging angel’ =-.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 8:05 am

@april, Hee hee I keep reading this and giggling at “you have caused confusion and delay” – that is an EXCELLENT catchphrase!!

Love the deodorant bottle suggestions. How clever are you??!

Thanks honey x

[Reply]

wow – what am amazing amount of comments. v helpful. louis also doesn’t like playing alone. guess i can’t blame him. he comes and grabs my hand and physically drags me to where he wants to go. even if i’m eating dinner. especially if i am!

i ditto the mini cleaning set tip. i just got one. (although is it wrong that i now use it to clean the floor??)

i get him to ‘help’ cook. he stands on a chair turned around by the kitchen counter. i can’t fob him off with an empty bowl and spoon anymore, so i started pouring in a little flour and gradually adding water for him to stir while i, for example, make a white sauce.

but it’s tough. i’m not a telly fan so i’d rather get my background noise from a radio but when louis was last sick we did have charlie and lola on constantly. am sure you’ll wean him off it a bit. if you want to. but don’t worry. and sorry to hear about the vomiting! i have lost count of the number of times i’ve been vommed on and louis hasn’t even had a stomach bug. yet. x
.-= babieswhobrunch´s last blog ..Pink stinks. Or does it? =-.

[Reply]

Josie Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 8:09 am

@babieswhobrunch, Oh god Kai would be LETHAL stood on a chair (no space awareness at all!)

But cooking and cleaning, yes, I’m definitely going to go for that. Is it sad that I’m actually quite excited about going to the pound shop and putting him together a little kit? It is isn’t it…

Thanks!

[Reply]

I think you’re being very hard on yourself. Kai’s at a very demanding age and you’d be some kind of supermum if you managed to keep him stimulated all day. There’s no shame in being temporarily reliant on the tv as an alternative method of childcare when things are particularly tough or you’re not feeling that great. I used to take mine to a playgroup for an hour or so every morning which generally wore them out and we went for lots of walks only because being stuck in the house all day with a toddler made me want to shoot myself. Loved Mad House’s idea of mini cleaning set – wish I’d thought of that when mine were little!
.-= Muummmeeeee!´s last blog ..Cheer up love, it might never happen…. =-.

[Reply]

I have been meaning to reply to this…

at Kai’s age, Ellis had a very similar temperament. He didn’t speak. He was extremely controlling and went from 0 to meltdown quicker than you could say it. He was always “that child” in playgroups…literally spending the hour or so crying, or yelling or hitting or melting down in some way or another. He spent much of the day clinging to me and crying or hitting me and crying or yelling at me and crying. It was horrible. We too worried about what if there was something else going on.

TV was certainly an option to help me get through the days, but quite quickly we learned that actually TV made his behaviour MUCH worse. Yes, he would be quiet for the 20 minutes a programme was on, but once it had to be switched off, that was it…hell broke loose. I also found that his (very limited) ability to entertain himself would diminish in correspondence with the amount of TV he watched. He simply expected to be entertained all of the time. He couldn’t understand that the world of TV programmes ended and he couldn’t ‘turn off’ after the programmes.

I don’t know if you have read Raising Your Spirited Child…well, in it the author actually points out that this is most common in children with a more intense disposition.

So we switched it off. In the last year or so, he is only allowed to watch a movie on the weekend and a bit more on the odd occasion when I was too sick to look after him early in my pregnancy.

I can not tell you the difference it has made to us. It was really tough at first. He’d ask for it constantly and there would be so many tantrums. Over teh course of a few weeks though, the change was astounding. His attention for doing things on his own increased. He is now one of the most independent players I have met of his age, and while some of that will of course be personality, I think a lot of it is that we taught him that he was going to have to entertain himself and that we, or a magic box, weren’t going to do it for him.

Even now, he does ask for the TV on occasion, but he has learned that he will probably be told no and he moves on to other things.

Like others have said, we use a lot of audio books (we have an audible subscription). For littlies, I recommend starting with books he already knows on audio book, otherwise its a bit hard to grasp whats going on.

We also rotate toys and I keep a secret stash of cars for when I need some time on my own. Out the bag comes and he gets to unpack his forgotten treasures. These then get left out and I pack others away for the next time.

Also, Sally mentions Montessori. I have the book How to Raise and Amazing Child…a fantastic starter book on Montessori with a number of great suggestions. I do think Montessori really suits spirited kids as they get to be in control and you are really a facilitator to teach them to do things themselves. I would be happy to lend it. Just email me to let me know and I’ll put it in the post.

[Reply]