Balance

A while back, Kat at Slugs on the Refrigerator, unquestionably one of my most favourite blogs, posed the question ‘What is motherhood to you?

At the time I struggled to find an answer that adequately described for me what is a an incredibly varied, emotional, often ambivalent experience for me, but just recently I think I have found the answer.

Motherhood, it seems, is all about balance.

It is a constant juggling of your children’s needs and yours, a balancing act of time, priorities, energy and patience.

Kai’s needs especially have always been loud, uncompromising and intense, but so also, I am realising, are mine. He is his mother’s son, after all, and like me in more ways than I think I ever could have realised.

And then there are the wants. And as Kai grows into toddlerhood it seems his understanding of wanting something, and wanting so intensely it becomes a very real NEED for him, is growing too. He is a very inflexible little soul, with a desire for things to be just so, and mistakes or misunderstanding on my part are always met with anger and frustration as he tries to make sense of the world and work out how he can make it the way he wants it to be. He is having a hard lesson in ‘no’ at the moment, in learning that sometimes that things aren’t always going to go precisely how he wants them to, and he is finding this hard.

My wants are real too, and just like Kai seem to be clamouring to be heard right now. Like Kai, I too find it hard when something doesn’t go to plan, or doesn’t fit my frame of reference, or if it has to be compromised, or, worse, met with ‘no’. Just as Kai feels frustration at me when I act as an obstacle to something he wants, so too do I get frustrated at him when, as so frequently he does, he becomes the aspect of my day that eats all my time, attention, and energy, leaving little left for the things I want to do.

In all these things I must find balance as a mother.

In all these things I struggle immensely.

Right now, what I want more than anything is to be able to pursue my work. I want this so much that, like Kai, it is becoming a need for me, one that eats away at me and makes me short-tempered and resentful. One I can’t let go.

But I find myself in an impossible Catch 22 situation. And the fly in my ointment? Money of course. Ideally I would be enrolling Kai in nursery part-time to give me the space I need to pursue a writing career and to give my new project the time I feel it deserves and that reflects its potential. But we can’t afford it, and although I would be working far more than the required 16 hours a week that I need to be able to tick the tax credits box, it wouldn’t be PAID work to begin with.

So here I am. I can’t make any money until I have some more time. I can’t have help ensuring the time I need before I make some money. Stuck.

It’s my fault for having ambition and wanting to pursue a creative dream, of course. How very dare I.

Unless, I am once again mirroring my son. Am I perhaps misinterpreting this want as something more important than it actually is? Am I being selfish and unrealistic and wanting too much too soon? Should I, just as I teach Kai, try to be more patient? Enjoy what I have? Let go of my dreams for now and readdress the balance in favour of Kai?

Would love to know your thoughts. How do you, as mothers and fathers, achieve balance in your life, between your children’s needs and your own?

And can anyone see a solution to my situation right now? Should I just stop wanting so much?

P.S. Thank you to Kai for playing so unusually quietly and beautifully for the last half an hour as I wrote this.

http://www.musingsofageriatricmummy.blogspot.com geriatric mummy

Sadly I don’t acheive a balance at all and most of the time I feel we both miss out. I will blog about this sometime (when I get time – ha!) rather than take over your comments but suffice to say I too am struggling, resentfully, in this department

Sorry I can’t be more helpful ! x

[Reply]
http://sandycalico.blogspot.com/ SandyCalico

It is a constant struggle to achieve balance. It’s good that you recognise your needs as well as Kai’s needs.
I have little to offer in the way of advice as I am in the same boat, but have you tried to focus when you do have time to yourself? You could try turning off all distractions (Twitter, Facebook, email, the entire internet) and spend quality time on your writing or whatever you choose to do. I don’t do this, but I know I should.
Try to be more patient with your goals, maybe?
I was going to write a similar post about balance this afternoon, ho hum, back to the drawing board!
x
.-= SandyCalico´s last blog ..Generosity =-.

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http://michelloui.blogspot.com Michelloui

Sometimes when I get into an impossible catch 22 like that I just surrender to the more powerful force,(in this case, Kai) until an opportunity to multi task opens up. This is of course easier if an end can be seen!

As a writer who was a single mother when my daughter was 2.5 to 6.5 (and I live 6000 miles from my family!) I had to accept that I couldn’t do it all right then. So I took notes, I kept great journals and scrapbooks of ideas, newspaper clippings, and beginnings/middles/ends–anything that came to mind. I began to see it as my time of accumulation and I would be fine tuning later.

When my daughter started school of course life became much easier and I could start to fine tune those projects that had waited so patiently.

Now when I have an overload of other commitments I try to go back to the original ‘surrender to the more powerful force’ thing, temporarily, but I get frustrated and angry if it goes on too long (like snow days just a couple of days after school starts again!).

Was listening to Radio 4 show this am about writers and their families and heard a songwriter talk about how lucky he was that he didnt have to get up for any of his 4 kids, ever, because his wife knew that he ‘simply couldnt write if he was tired.’ I thought a) prat, and b) if only I was more selfish then I too would be a hugely successful writer! (With no friends).
.-= Michelloui´s last blog ..Contest Redux: London Underground Tea Tin =-.

[Reply]
jane Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
@Michelloui, Definitely a)prat!

[Reply]
http://WebsiteURL jane

Balance – it is just impossible! I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. What is selfish? What is replenishing the self to be able to give to others? When do plans and ambitions transform from motivators to inhibitors? In the rare opportunities I get to read I have found some of the insights in Sarah Napthali’s book Buddhism for Mothers, really helpful. One concept in particular I try to remember is the idea that it is a craving for permanence that causes suffering. So dreams, aspirations and intentions are wonderful things to have – they allow us to try to embrace life. And this is true of aspirations for ourselves, for our creativity as well as for our children. But where we can run in to trouble is the suffering or sorrow that we have when we allow these dreams to become solid things. So that when our plans are disrupted (as they are with small children on an hourly basis!) the suffering comes not from having the dream but from holding onto the dream when life changes. Och, I’m not explaining this very well, apologies to any Buddhists out there!

I don’t have any answers, but I definitely don’t think that you should stop wanting! Especially when the result of some of that wanting is the wonderful creation Judith’s Room! But maybe you need to be kinder to yourself? Keep being creative but don’t beat yourself up when tasks that you have assigned to your creativity don’t get completed. They will do, eventually!

Sorry to be so long winded, just really resonated with stuff I’ve been thinking about.

[Reply]
http://spongebobforpresident.blogspot.com Kelly

Dont you DARE feel guilty for having dreams of your own. Our dreams and ambitions are what keep us going, and Josie believe me, although you may not believe it now, one day you will have the time and the money to fulfill your dream, and you be shinning, one of the brightest stars out there.

All the good things in life are worth fighting for, for they are never easy journeys and the vast majority of us give up.

Promise me Josie, that you won’t. I haven’t been reading your work for long but you are quite honestly one of the most talented and inspiring people i have ever known.

As for balance, i have faith that once things settle down, and Kai begins to communicate better and understand moer, perhaps then things will be easier?

*hugs*
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Stranger in the Night =-.

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http://www.angelsandurchins.co.uk/blog angels&urchinsblog

Who wouldn’t sympathise? Do you have a friend with a similar age of child? With my first I had an arrangement with another mum. We’d ‘swap’ babies one afternoon or morning a week, giving us a half day to get on with non-child related stuff (or catch up with the ironing/washing/cooking…). It worked really well, and was an absolute lifesaver.

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http://schoolgatechic.blogspot.com Kate

I am in a similar position to you and have been for about 7 years. Like you, childcare was too expensive an option for me to pursue my dreams and ambitions. My youngest is finally starting school in September and I will have time to do what I want to do. For me, I knew that the kids would only be preschool for 4 years each, I had the rest of my life to achieve my dreams but I would regret it forever if I missed out on their infancy. I can say that it has been incredibly hard and incredibly frustrating. There have been times when I have felt so resentful towards them. As I get to the end of my time at home I am so pleased I managed to stay with my babies and put off following my own dreams. I still have time to do the things I want to do, but I haven’t missed out on them. This was what I found and I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone, nor am I saying it’s easy. I’ve always looked at it as a finite time I will be constrained by motherhood with each year becoming easier and easier to get time for myself again.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Review Blog =-.

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http://beckywilloughby.blogspot.com/ Becky

I have decided that in order to balance everything I have to give up work. Been trying to juggle raising a 3 year old & a 6 year old on my own since August and do a part time job. I ended up being signed off for 2 weeks with stress in October. This is my last month working and then I’ll have to budget living on the state. But I will be able to balance my needs and my kids by having 1 in school, 1 with his NEG plus 2 hours each week leaving me the space to do what I need to do even if its just recharging my batteries. A tired, stressed, cranky mummy is not a good thing for small children…
.-= Becky´s last blog ..7 great things about being a single parent…. =-.

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http://themadhouse-themadhouse.blogspot.com/ TheMadHouse

Balance, yep it is somthing that is so hard to find in motherhood, but I will let you know that time runs fast through the fingers of a mother with a toddler or preschooler. It seems only the blink of an eye ago that I celebrated MaxiMads first birthday and well he will be five in March. The first year was long and arduous a times, but each year after has flown by far too fast.

I have made the decision to be there, for my boys until they are both in school and then I will start to satisfy my needs more. I have 2 hours a day at the moment, now mini is in preschool and it is wonderful to use the computer in peace, to sew or just sing and play the songs I like.

If you want to write as much as you do, then perserve, do it in the dark, burn those candles. Be a tourtued writer it worked for lots of writers past, it gives you an edge. Your writing displays your search, your needs and your wants.

I think that regrets are pointless and poisenous. We need to work with what we have, make the best of the now and embrace the ever present
.-= TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Who will win the war =-.

[Reply]
http://www.businessplusbaby.com Helen @Business Plus Baby

I feel the same frustration and I’m also stuck in the ‘can’t afford childcare until I’m earning/can’t earn without childcare’ catch 22. In fact this frustration is part of the reason I started my blog – there has to be a better way and I’m going to look for it. There are little thigs you can do (e.g. baby swap as one commenter suggested and working evenings and nap times) but so far no easy answers.

Never feel bad for having ambition, even if it is frustrated for a few years. Just think of the role model you’ll be for your son when he’s older “It was tough at first, but my mum never gave up and now she’s a successful writer, I’m so proud of her”.

These days I view balance differently. Rather than a place peace and calm where all is equal at all times, I see it as a series of ups and downs that roughly cancel each other out in the end. I don’t aspire to have everything under control, just try to enjoy the ride!

[Reply]
http://www.cherishedbyme.com Nova

Feel for you and know exactly how you are feeling. I feel very guilty because I would much rather, most of the time, be pursuing I don’t know what yet on the computer. Sometimes I find the children a bit of hindrance to that. Then that brings guilt again. I must admit to staying up until late sometimes just to do what I want to do.
It is hard but I will say before you know it Kai WILL be at school or nursery and you’ll wonder where that time went…and you can never get it back.
Good luck with it all.

[Reply]
http://haveitalltoday.blogspot.com/ The Woman Who Can

I try to live by the mantra “never regret the things you do, only the things you don’t do”. You clearly want to write and have a talent for doing so, so a balance is going to be incredibly different to find. Is there a friend or family nearby who could give you a couple of hours just by yourself? I’ve made choices for myself, but sadly they always seem to result in the housework not being done.

I’ve had a real wake up call recently, having just been diagnosed with MS, and what I’m learning at the moment is that life is too short and we have to live every minute of it. None of us know what the future holds for us, so we should try to do the things we want and can, the best we can. If that means something else has to go, then it goes.

I don’t think I’ve helped very much, but I really hope you achieve everything you want.

Tina x
.-= The Woman Who Can´s last blog ..Ridiculous =-.

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http://Mummywhisperer.wordpress.com Lisa Pearson

Due to the balance of my time today, I can’t post you a full description of what I would love to say!

But what I can say is – it is important to put your survival needs ahead of Kai, and he will probably start to misbehave to force you to do it. See this post of mine about what I call ‘The Fun Creation Equation’:
http://mummywhisperer.wordpress.com/fun-creation-equation/

Re getting back to work – maybe if you broke it down a bit, it would start to be more achievable. For example, how much per day would you need to earn? What can you do as an interim option? When does he start to get his free sessions? Is there a local nursery that would offer you a free place (they do sometimes & there is no harm in asking)?

I give a free gift about values (helps with the frustration & communicating with kids) and finances when people join my email list – you’ll see the box on my blog – they may help you to make a financial plan to get you going.
Is there a compromise, where you could use your writing skills & get some pay, to give yourself time to also do the writing that you would love? E.g. people like me use copywriters, or others use ghost writers for books etc.

And finally – this is going to be a weird question, so sorry I don’t have time to explain more fully – but why does it work for you and what are the benefits to the restrictions you are facing. If you can come up with 20-50 things you get from it, you will be able to work with it, rather than against it, and then possibly see more opportunities.

Sooooo understand your impatience and frustration, just remember you are fab!
.-= Lisa Pearson´s last blog ..TV is BAD, no TV is GOOD, which is it? =-.

[Reply]
http://themoiderer.typepad.com/blog The Moiderer

I think you need to give yourself a break. It is remarkable how much you do achieve given that you have Kai to look after and he needs so much of your attention. Do you realise what an achievement it is to have set up your writers forum, maintain this blog, run the writing workshops and do coursework too?
It is all laying down the foundations for when you do get the time to do this as a career. I think we have to think of it as a career break and applaud any achievement no matter how small.
Give yourself credit for what you have achieved, it all counts
.-= The Moiderer´s last blog ..Growing up too quickly =-.

[Reply]
http://cavemother.blogspot.com Cave Mother

I struggle with this as well. But sometimes, when I have moments of clarity, I am able to get some perspective in my situation. My baby (or, indeed, my future babies) will not be babies for ever. I have at least 30 years of my working life left, and more likely 40, since the retirement age is bound to have been put up to 70 by the time we get there. However my children will only be babies for these few precious years. I really want to enjoy these years, rather than spending them yearning to be somewhere else.

As ThMadHouse has said above, we need to be embrace the present and strive to be present. There is time to do what you want, just not at the moment.
.-= Cave Mother´s last blog ..What Would An Inuit Mother Do? =-.

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http://www.notesfromlapland.blogspot.com heather

This does get easier as they get older and are happier to entertain themselves. at the moment perhaps you have to go for a compromise. still persue your dream but allow yourself the understanding that you can’t yet do it all. i know hard that is to live with but what other choice do we have?

[Reply]
http://itsasmallworldafterallfamily.wordpress.com Victoria

It’s very hard when they are little, but does get easier and easier as they get older. I’d look into free childcare options too, but also maybe try and accept the way things are for now and recognise that it won’t be for ever. I find that sometimes it helps to realise that you can’t change something, and I feel calmer about it and can then focus on other things. I don’t mean give up on your dreams and ambitions at all, just that maybe if you accept that this year you’ll be juggling and the balance will be more in Kai’s favour, you’ll feel better able to get on with things. It’s not that long before he’ll be at nursery school/playgroup every morning (I know it feels like forever, but it really isn’t) and then you’ll have good blocks of time to focus on yourself. In the meantime, other people’s suggestions about taking in turns with friends etc are really good. As was the idea of constant note taking, to be stored for later reading. Sorry I can’t be of any more help. Remember ‘it’s just a phase’ x
.-= Victoria´s last blog ..Carsick Carnival, the Sequel =-.

[Reply]
http://youfoundkelshidingplace.blogspot.com Kelly

If I know you Josie, something will happen, be it an idea or a way of changing things round to make it work. Could you afford just one morning of childcare as a start?

Spend a little time every day daydreaming about what your life would be like if you have the resources to have the life that you want and you may find the answer, or at least be open to spotting opportunities to help you.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Come out, come out, whoever you are! =-.

[Reply]
http://www.strocel.com Amber

I think that perfect balance is impossible, if only because it is a moving target. Even if you actually got it all figured out today it would be different tomorrow, you know? Kids are fun that way.

I think that young toddlers are the most time-consuming children. They don’t sleep that much, and they don’t really play independently. And even if they DO play independently, it’s a recipe for disaster. You’re in the worst of it now, and it will get better. So don’t beat yourself up too much if you’re not as productive as you could hope to be.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..(Lack of) Educational Philosophy =-.

[Reply]
http://battleplan.wordpress.com Paula

I certainly don’t have the answers Josie, but I do understand your frustrations.

The one thing that the midwives don’t tell you is to bring an extra suitcase to the hospital to take away the burden of guilt that you will be forever carrying post partum. That guilt is parasitic, it takes root deep inside you and grows with each subsequent birth (3 for me), shooting up exponentially as they grow and develop reasonable and unreasonable wants and needs of their own.

Without going on (and on and on)the only advice I could possibly offer is to congratulate yourself on every achievement and to cherish the here and now. I know that sounds really crap but I also know that it’s only when something really shitty happens that you realise just how good it all was before…

Px
.-= Paula´s last blog ..breaking the rules…. =-.

[Reply]
http://www.littlemummy.com Erica

A couple of years ago I was exactly where you are now, full of ambition but with a full-time job as stay at home mum.

I’ve gradually increased the time I spend on my projects. At first I would spend time doing stuff during naps and after bedtime. Then she started going to playgroup, just a couple of hours three times a week. Then you get your free five afternoons and mornings – where we’re at now. Before long she’ll be at school and I’ll have five days a week to pursue my own projects (not to mention the rest of my life!)

It gets easier, you just need to accept that it will happen gradually, you can’t fight it. Also, don’t wish it away either, just make the most of Kai this age, it’ll soon be gone (that’s what other keep telling me!)

[Reply]
http://mwaonline.blogspot.com Mwa

That’s the toughest question of them all. I’m lucky that we can afford two child care days a week. I’m not sure I’d stay sane without. Can you get some relatives to take Kai on a regular basis? As for stimulating my mind – at the moment, I try to be content with just blogging and choir. Until further notice. It all just seems impossible sometimes, doesn’t it? Just don’t stop looking for solutions that work for you. Oh – and I love date night. It might be worth paying some extra attention to your relationship. As if you don’t have enough on your plate. You did ask.
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..I’m all over the place today =-.

[Reply]
Josie

Thank you enormously for your comments on this post. Each one of you has given me a great deal to think on and provided a much needed insight.

Will blog about my thoughts soon, apologies that I don’t have time to reply to you individually (rather apt huh?!) but have read all of your comments over and over and really appreciate the time you took to stop by.

Much love xxxxx

[Reply]
http://www.mummymania.blogspot.com Mummy Mania

I really feel your pain – as so many of us obviously do! It is a balance like you say, and a real tightrope walk. There’ll be good days and bad, and all we can do is write what we can in the good, and not get too bad tempered in the bad (this is my theory anyway!). You will get through this though – the day will come when you have some space (I’m not there yet either)…. keep strong!
.-= Mummy Mania´s last blog ..My history of feminism =-.

[Reply]
http://www.slugsontherefrigerator.com slugs on the refrigerator

Josie-
What a lovely post. LIke so many others have said, striving for balance is necessary, but finding it is hard. If you figure it all out can you let me know?

and you are one of my favourites too!!

[Reply]
http://www.andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou.wordpress.com Kerry

Totally understand you with this one and wont bog your comments down with everything I have to say.

I have the same issue with childcare as we cant afford it either, but this is how we got round it. Grandparents, my mum has Baba one day and mother in law has Baba another day. Now it isn’t for all day sometimes it is only for a couple of hours, but sometimes it is all day depending on what I have to do. As run my own business at home, and am also doing a writing course. But it is so much help and to be honest I don’t have to worry about him being there, and he has such a close relationship with them which is a win win situation. Just an idea!

[Reply]
http://muddlingalongmummy.blogspot.com Muddling Along Mummy

I hate that there is this horrid situation – if you aren’t going into a bog standard job you are caught between not having enough money to pay for childcare and not having enough childcare to work to earn the money … hope you find a balance
.-= Muddling Along Mummy´s last blog ..Flipping marvellous pancakes =-.

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