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Lost

Posted by on Jan 4, 2010 in Uncategorized | 22 comments

Last week I thought I might be pregnant. Actually, I was convinced that I was pregnant.

All the signs were there, I had them really early with Kai and it felt exactly the same. That achey womb feeling, low back ache, feeling bloated and tender. I began to feel really nauseas and exhausted, falling into bed by 9pm and begging Ant to watch Kai during the day so I could sleep. I FELT pregnant.

I wasn’t, of course. Definitely not. Two tests and the beginnings of my period this morning have knocked that idea firmly on the head.

The idiotic thing is that I’m devastated.

Two weeks ago, when I first began to wonder, I would have told you I wasn’t ready to have another baby, in fact the thought terrified me. We weren’t trying, planning a bigger gap and a year to study and move house, not to increase our family.

Yet within a week, I had imagined that baby in my arms. Imagined Kai with a little brother or sister, imagined announcing it to our friends and family, imagining laughing over the huge, unexpected Christmas surprise and our hell of a start the New Year, a little scared but ready to go for it. And I had never wanted anything more.

Stupid.

I have not lost anything except an idea. I haven’t gone through the very real and horrible experience of miscarrying like so many that I know. There was no baby but in my imagination. It’s pathetic really.

So why do I feel such a horrible sense of loss this morning?

Why do I feel so lost?

I have an assignment to submit today. I have a house to clean.

I have this stupid tummy bug or whatever it is to recover from (I STILL feel sick).

I have a beautiful REAL child to hold, and we can try again if that’s really what we want.

Life moves on.

Get a grip you silly girl.

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  • http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/ april

    It is not idiotic. And you are anything but a silly girl.
    Losing ideas, especially life changing ones can be devestating. A thought of, imagined other little person is one of the most powerful as many other mums or want to be mums will tell you, the sense of loss every month when you get your period and aren’t pregnant yet is as real as if you had miscarried.
    Honey you need to go easy on yourself because of many reasons.
    1. You really believed this and are now horribly dissapointed and the sense of loss is real.
    2. You will be hormonal because of period and therefore more fragile.
    3. You are sick and will therefore be more fragile.
    you need to get to a GP – get treatment for tummy bug immediately and please sweetheart go easy on yourself.
    If you had all the symptoms and they are now fading it could even be that you are miscarrying? Some enormous amount of pregnancies end before they even officially start. Another reason to go easy on yourself. You are not being silly and deserve many hugs so *Many Hugs* wish I could be there with chocolate and toast and tea. but hugs accross the sea will have to do :(
    I’m so sorry you are going through this.
    (oh and feel free to edit this if you want tis okay)
    .-= april´s last blog ..10 things that Make me Happy… =-.

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  • http://notesfromlapland.blogspot.com/ Heather

    not a physical miscarriage, no, but an emotional one for sure. And really, what is an early miscarriage except one of emotion?

    I know the horrible feeling. The sense of loss for something you never had, not really (I was only about 6 weeks gone when i miscarried so physically it wasn’t really anything) is over whelming. You need to let yourself grieve as if it were real, because to you, emotionally, it was.

    Sending warm thoughts and hugs and hope you beat this nasty bug soon too. x
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..In my spare time I… =-.

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  • http://rosiescribble.typepad.com Rosie Scribble

    Oh gosh. It is not surprising you feel upset, that’s a huge emotional loss. Sending hugs. Wish I could say something more helpful.
    .-= Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Happiness with a twist… =-.

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  • http://cafebebe.co.uk/blog Karin @ Cafe Bebe

    Josie-I can understand totally. My hubby and I are “trying” but not to the extent of buying ovulation kits and plotting things on calendars but each month I end up disappointed. Earlier this month I “felt” pregnant as well…no morning sickness or nausea but felt different. I was hoping I could tell our family something great for Christmas but I couldn’t. Now I wasted a pregnancy test, I fear!
    I send you love and hugs and strength…you’ll be just fine. Give Kai some cuddles this week…Mummy needs them more than Kai! ;)
    Karin
    .-= Karin @ Cafe Bebe´s last blog ..The Cafe Bebe Year in Review =-.

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  • http://www.stickyfingers1.blogspot.com Tara@Sticky fingers

    I can imagine there are many many who will relate to this Josie. I have a good friend who has 4 children and after the birth of her last was told she wouldn’t be able to have any more. Devastated. She didn’t want any more, but as she had been told she couldn’t have any more she was really upset.
    Women’s hormones eh? We’re a slave to them.

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  • http://singlemotherhoodchallenges.blogspot.com/ Hayley

    I cant add anything more helpful than what the others have already said but hunni you are not silly at all and I have experienced exactly what you are on about when I thought I was pregnant once and it is devestating when you find out your not because you’ve planned it all in your head.

    Give yourself time, your not silly, your human.
    .-= Hayley´s last blog ..Claremont National Trust Gardens 1st Jan 2010 =-.

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  • http://www.britsinbosnia.blogspot.com Brit in Bosnia

    It is tough. When you are convinced of something like that, but it turns out not to be right. Like the others say, it is an emotional miscarriage. Take your time to feel it, you are not silly at all. xxx

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  • http://djkirkby.blogspot.com/ DJ Kirkby

    You’re not silly but perhaps this is a wake up call to the fact that it’s time to start thinking about adding to your family. Hope you recover from whatever is making you feel ill soon.
    .-= DJ Kirkby´s last blog ..TMI? =-.

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  • http://www.usebefore.blogspot.com Vegemitevix

    Oh Josie, big hugs. I know exactly how you feel having had that experience myself. I wish you lived closer so I could pop over there and tidy up for you and make you chicken soup. You have had a miscarriage darling, in every sense, whether the tests say so or not. My second daughter was a ‘tummy bug’ that didn’t show as pregnancy at first. Big hugs and strength coming to you over the cyberspace! xx

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  • http://mwaonline.blogspot.com Mwa

    Not silly at all. At all. x
    .-= Mwa´s last blog ..Holidays =-.

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  • http://www.notsuchayummymummy.wordpress.com Emma @ Notsuchayummymummy

    Oh god, I’ve had the same feelings a couple of months ago. Within about 3 days I veered from sheer hysteria ‘I can’t, I can’t’ to utter devestation, ‘I’m not, I’m not’. Craig had no idea what to do with me.

    Big, big hugs you very un-silly girl. xxx

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  • http://themadhouse-themadhouse.blogspot.com TheMadHouse

    No words to add really, the others have said it so much better than I can, but I have been there too and it isnt silly
    .-= TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Spiritual Sunday =-.

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  • http://www.musingsofageriatricmummy.blogspot.com geriatric mummy

    Oh Josie. You’re not being silly, you may very well have been pregnant. I also know that I’m pregnant about a week before my period is due – and I don’t even get morning sickness. When I miscarried last year I was only six weeks, and the ‘baby’ hadn’t grown since four weeks so it was very early but the hormones still rage and the feeling is devastating.

    Give yourself time and lots of TLC x

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  • http://itsasmallworldafterallfamily.wordpress.com Victoria

    Big hugs xxx
    .-= Victoria´s last blog ..Yet another post about potty training… =-.

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  • http://sandycalico.blogspot.com/ SandyCalico

    Oh darling Josie, you are not silly at all. These are very real feelngs and possibly a real pregnancy. Since Cash was born I have taken 4 pregnancy tests and been left devastated by a negative result every time (even though each time was the ‘wrong time’ to have another baby). Take care of yourself. Huge (((HUGS))) x
    .-= SandyCalico´s last blog ..The Baby Baby Baking Masterclass =-.

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  • http://WebsiteURL Hannah

    Honey, I know weve spoken today but just to say again your not silly at all, silly !!!
    I think that this was meant to be so you and Ant try for another baby – Kai needs a real life toy now! xxxxxxx lots of love from my and Lucy xxx

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  • http://www.strocel.com Amber

    Sometimes I think you don’t really know whether you want another baby or not until you’re waiting to see the results of that pregnancy test. I have found that my feelings are never more clear than in that 2 minutes in the bathroom. And I have been in the same position, not expecting or wanting pregnancy, only to be devastated by a negative test.

    I don’t think it’s silly or stupid at all. I think you’ve just discovered what you really want.
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..Second Babies are Easier =-.

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  • http://www.capitalmom.blogspot.com Capital Mom

    Feelings are like that. They can surprise us. And the loss of something we didn’t know we wanted can be just as hard as losing something we are sure we did want.

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  • Josie

    Thanks so much to you all for such kind and supportive comments. Feeling ok today, just keeping busy which is helping. Just hoping this heaviness passes soon. I’m very lucky to be surrounded with so much love, thank you xxx

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  • http://www.mummymania.blogspot.com Mummy Mania

    I’m so sorry. As you may know, I’ve lost 3 babies. And the lost hope is probably the worst part. So pregnant or not, you still had hope dashed. Perhaps what this may do is make you reassess what you do want – perhaps your body and mind where giving you a little nudge to a place your organised day-to-day mind couldn’t go… that you are in fact ready. Good luck, and i hope the sadness passes soon.
    .-= Mummy Mania´s last blog ..Certainties of Parenting =-.

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  • http://www.metropolitanmum.co.uk Metropolitan Mum

    You are not being silly. At all.
    I felt exact the same way a month before I fell pregnant. When I actually was pregnant, nothing like that showed up. Well, at least not initially.
    Happy to read that you channelled your loss into something great and creative. You rock, Josie!
    .-= Metropolitan Mum´s last blog ..2009 – the highlights =-.

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  • http://livileah88.wordpress.com/ PrincessL

    oh Josie, *more tears*! You're not being silly, not at all. While I am sure that said loss is not a patch on a miscarriage it is still a loss and it is still painful. I'm noticing a common theme with my comments too, namely “don't beat yourself up, you're wonderful!”

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