The Meaning of Christmas
I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last few days.
The truth is, I’m not really sure what Christmas DOES mean any more. Or at least, I don’t know what it means to me. And it’s partly why I’m left feeling a little empty about the whole thing this year.
On one level this is not big news – those of you that know me will know that I’m not a believer in the ‘real’ meaning of Christmas, seeing the Christian story as just one of many meanings that has been ascribed to this festival over the centuries. Partly that’s why I normally love Christmas so much, why I love humanity so much: our ability to invest our lives, our culture, our daily frames of reference with so much meaning, to fill them with so much spiritual significance. What I’ve never quite decided is whether there is an ultimate ‘meaning’, a source from which all these spiritual interpretations have evolved from. It’s a question I’ll probably be asking for the rest of my life, the answer, as I perceive it to be, endlessly changing as I myself change and grow. But that’s ok. For me asking the question is the important part.
Coming to this personal spiritual philosophy after a long time has been immensely freeing, but it has it’s drawbacks too. It means I find it hard to slot into some kind of pre-packaged interpretation of situations, philosophies and celebrations. It forces me to question myself and my world view constantly which is exhausting, and sometimes I can see the temptation of donning the mantle of a religion with their ready-made set of stories and meanings to slot your life into. It must be nice, comforting.
My memories of childhood Christmases were like that. A strange mix of the usual childhood perceptions of magic and Santa, and the religious significance that was a natural to me as breathing, being brought up as I had firmly (and very much lovingly) in the arms of the church. There was no question, Christmas was what it was. It was tangible to me. And, of course, wonderfully special – I wouldn’t swap those early experiences of advent, nativity plays, Christingle services, midnight mass, and all the rest, for anything in the world. It taught me to see the spiritual in things; that my life could be marked by times filled with meaning and celebration.
As I’ve got older and left behind my faith along with my childhood, Christmas began to take on new significances for me. I began to celebrate the seasonal aspects more, wriggling my spiritual roots down a bit deeper and longer ago, when it was once a time to mark the darkest time of the year at the Solstice and a celebration of returning light – a time for hunkering down with your family, enjoying good food and good conversation, and looking forward to the year ahead. I loved this, it felt primal and sacred. And, along with celebrating similar festivals at other times of the year, made me feel connected and in tune with the cycles of my life.
But then Kai came along. And life became less about long introspective walks, or long evenings pouring over spiritual texts and philosophical points of view. A deep spirituality became a luxury I didn’t have time for, given that I’ve been up to my ears in nappies, and baby wrangling, and wondering how to get poo out of the carpet. Again, that was ok. It was just the way life was for now. Luckily no religion means no guilt when ‘real’ life takes over for a while! I was forced to evolve a more pragmatic spirituality, finding meaning more in my family life than in things ‘outside’.
So after a year of little sleep, much laughter but much stress too I find myself at Christmas once more.
I am a different person to the girl three Christmases ago who still invested it with so much personal spiritual significance. A different person to the girl two Christmases ago who was too full of announcing her pregnancy and showing off her scan pictures to really give it much of a thought. And a different person, even, to the girl of last Christmas, a new and overwhelmed mum who was coping with Kai at the peak of awful sleeplessness, and sick all through Christmas and New Year to boot.
There hasn’t been enough time or energy for me to think about what Christmas means this year. And yet here it is. And I haven’t a clue how to feel about it.
I think I’m going to have to chalk this one down to a transition Christmas. It comes at a time when I’m not even sure who I am any more, let alone know how I might fit into a bigger picture. I feel on the edge of a huge, unknown territory, having so recently discovered my writing and that side to myself, only just starting to take steps in a new journey of self discovery and with no real clue where I am headed. It’s going to have to be a time of rest, or re-grouping, of forgetting the bigger worries and question in the smaller joy of watching Kai open his presents and create his own early meanings of what this time is all about.
Yes, perhaps this one is just about Kai. About filling his time with love and fun and surprises, close in the safety and devotion of his family.
I’m putting myself on the back burner for a while. And we’ll see what the New Year brings.
So. If you’ve got to the end of this very long post then thank you for listening. But it’s your turn now, cause I really , REALLY want to know. What does Christmas mean to you this year?
Is it the same as it’s always meant to you? Or has it changed for you too?
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Could write a thoroughly long reply – enough to make a blog post, in fact, about this, and maybe I will… but rather than going into christmasses past, here, I’ll talk about this one.
This Christmas, Bertie won’t be with me, he’ll be with his father and family. I’m estranged from my family, so I can’t give him that kind of experience any more, the big family do.
I arranged a huge party for the Winter Solstice instead. But now, my girlfriend can’t make it for then, due to a snowstorm in Virginia. I’m gutted, but I’ve managed to rearrange the party for the 23rd. Of course, I know the actual date Christmas is held means nothing to the little ones, but to me, I do feel sad that I can’t have it on the 21st, and I can’t have Christmas. It’s better than nothing, it’s the best solution I could come up with. But still.
On Christmas day, it’ll just be me and my girlfriend. It’s strange, I’ve never had anything like that before. When I was with the ex, we had Christmas with his family. When I lived with my parents, well, obviously, it was with them (and the cult – argh)!
But this feels strange, it feels incredibly grown-up in a way, to be spending the day just as two adults, doing whatever we want, not having to play charades or pictionary or pass the parcel…
(I won’t tell you exactly what we’ll be doing but we do have plans and why yes they do involve smutty things too).
So this year will be a weird one. A few disappointments, and a time to reflect on what’s been a really weird year.
And remind me to write a blog post about it! 
Ruth Moss´s last blog ..Fun feminism and ladygarden topiary 
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I can really relate to this post. Christmas to me as a child was all about midnight mass, church and family time opening presents. Very warm and fond memories.
I have in the last 5 years embarked upon a real spiritual journey. I question everything. I no longer see Christmas as a Christian celebration (not to me anyway) and I much prefer to see it as a winter solstice (more in line with the Pagan roots perhaps). I follow Islam and so building Christmas into our family is somewhat against the norm but I wanted to because of the fond memories I have of it as a child.
This is BB’s first Christmas and I want her to be able to enjoy the lights and the tree’s and the presents but later on I want her to be able to make up her own mind about what it stands for. For me it is a time to reflect on family, not that we should need a set time, but hey us mummy’s are busy right and so setting dates becomes important 
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My Christmas – used to be a lot like yours – having a mother who was first a devout member of CofE then a Priest made Christmas when I was little very firmly ensconsed in religion and routine. And I loved it. Then after Mum was ordained it became about loss and lonliness as she was so busy at Christmas, being an only child sucked then…
This year its about loss again as She and my Step Dad have headed off overseas to live, bringing up so many issues for me, but also allowing me to recconnect with family members who she didn’t really like which has been lovely. But this year I just have to hold on to doing this whole christmas thing for my babies, that I am making memories for them. Sorry about scattered post, yours dererved a much better response. Thank you for sharing. *hugs*
april´s last blog ..The post of Many parts #1 – The Audition
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As my older child has gotten older, Christmas has definitely shifted to being all about her. It’s great, really, it takes a lot of the pressure off. She’s almost 5 this year, and at the height of magical thinking. She is enamoured of Christmas, and I am just riding her coat tails. It’s really quite fabulous, I promise.
Amber´s last blog ..Ventriloquists are Fun
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We are just getting to the point where the eldest at 3 is starting to understand Christmas (well, that family come and she gets presents) and it seem like such a relief. No more sitting around two adults and two very little children wondering what we are supposed to be doing, now there is a purpose to it all. I no longer feel like someone playing at this Christmas thing.
Out here the part of Christmas that makes the most sense to me is as a winter solstice. It is so ridiculously dark at this time of year that the idea of bringing extra light and some greenery into the home makes perfect sense(and what the original idea behind Christmas trees and decorations is all about), and so flipin’ cold that eating huge hearty meals, gathering around a roaring fire and or the TV is really the only thing you want to be doing anyway.
So I guess it all boils down to being with family, laughing, playing and eating and then eating some more and trying to stay out of the cold dark weather.
Heather´s last blog ..The Finger Unveiled -not for the faint hearted.
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For me it is definitely about being with the family this year. We don’t have much money at the moment so it’s not really about the presents. I do still love seeing the children’s faces light up when they receive their gifts, but for us it has never been a religious or even a spiritual time of year. It’s just an excuse to spend time together – and that’s alright by me. Thought-provoking post, Josie x
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hmmmmmm, will have to have a good long thnk and come back to this. x
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This really is something one could write a whole blog about. My own spiritual..quest?…journey?..has taken a number of twists and turns but, you yourself, I’ve settled for careful interrogation for the moment, with a side order of mindfulness.
As for Xmas, it’s too tied up with religion for me to concern myself with it much. Supermum loves it and my own attitude (lets just say its not a family thing for me) caused a lot of conflict between us. Children arriving have made it a lot easier – its about them and about a couple of days we spend together as a family. Oh, and food. Unlikely any other relatives will turn up.
The solstice elements interest me but I’m cautious – I’ve had some tricky encounters in that area and Catholicism has taught me that I’m not a joiner.
Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..What music did you first listen to? (Ritual and initiation)
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I contemplated not celebrating Christmas a few years ao since we aren’t Christian and it always feels a bit weird. I mean, we don’t celebrate Hanukkah. Then I decided to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday for family and part of the solstice. I have come to terms with it. But I’m still not sure about Santa.
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what a lovely eloquent post. I have been pondering this very thought. With two children now it is very much about them, the sheer pleasure in giving them a bit of magic, and about much needed family time. I went through a phase when I worked in the lab on Christmas day and ate at a Chinese restaurant (only place open, a big contrast from the religious Christmas I grew up with. I always feel very nostalgic about Christmasses past, and very homesick for Britain this time of year.
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Very thought provoking, as usual. I was brought up going to Church, but stopped as soon as I was old enough to have the choice, which I know upset my Mum. Since I’ve had children, I’ve worried about this and questioned what I truly believe. I still believe that the point of Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’ birth, whether because you have faith or because it’s a beautiful story. But we’ve also celebrated the solstice this week with a candlelit tea party and indoor fireworks to chase away the night. I think as children get older, the whole thing gets easier, because they are naturally drawn to magic, so you can just go along with it. Plus, I love carols
Victoria´s last blog ..Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
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My ghosts of Christmases past are varied – there was the one where we celebrated with my estranged father in the backseat of the Merc on Eastern Beach. He gave me a game from Tokyo (I was v impressed) and in 15 minutes it (the access visit) was done.
Then there was the one where I was backpacking and i headed back to Mum’s on the Gold Coast (Australia)where we celebrated over the heavily decorated Christmas fridge.
Then there was the one where my ex-husband had a hypo and was aggressive and I bundled the toddler and little ones into the car to escape to the park..
Christmas is different this year, because I am different this year. The traditions of the food and the present-giving provide structure for the kids, but this year I’m celebrating opportunity – whether in a stable crib, or in an English terrace in my first adults-only Xmas for 15 years!
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