Motherhood Sleep Deprived Tough Times: dark places early morning emotions exhaustion forgiveness guilt honesty kids make friend make friends never ever break friends Motherhood sleep sleep deprivation sleep problems
by Josie
46 comments
Make friends, make friends, never ever break friends
I am curled in a ball on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, my face turned away from you, my eyes tight shut against the glare of the artificial light of our early morning.
Vague sounds of the television and your quiet play and chatter filter through but don’t penetrate past the armour I have so carefully applied this morning. You are just noise to me. I wish you weren’t here.
I wish I wasn’t here.
I feel bruised. My body pinched, pulled, rearranged. A night of being your bed, comforter, punching bag, drinks dispenser, toy, as you worked through your rage and despair and frustration and all of the other things that seem to plague your nights. I wonder at what point last night did I finally shut down? At what point did I stop hearing the crying and just switch off to the writhing, grasping, angry little body in my arms. At what point did you stop being my baby and become something I had to endure? It was before exhaustion took you, finally, that much I know. Long before. Your stamina long eclipsing mine. My head hitting the pillow numb and empty.
I feel nothing now. My body moving on auto-pilot as I was woken from a sleep only just begun. I am cold, my skin prickling, as if the emotional drainage of the night has taken all my body heat with it. I shake, I shiver, wrapped in my cocoon and in darkness.
And yet even now, in my dark place, the mother synapses fire again. Ears on alert for sounds of distress and need. I hate that the instinct is so strong, that even when I want to disengage it holds me. Even now blissful nothingness is beyond my grasp, however much I wish for it, as anger burns hot in my chest. Dull but there, keeping me from icing up completely. I suppose I should be grateful for it. Grateful for feeling something. Because what kind of mother feels nothing?
Wrapped in shadow I am concious of time passing. All too soon the sounds of contented occupation begin to morph to sighs and little murmurs of annoyance. It is inevitable.
And then.
Movement. A shuffle. Warm fingers feeling there way beneath my covers to find my face, probing but gentle, searching for a connection and a response.
“Mama”
I am defrosting. The guilt is creeping back now. A familiar friend. Guilt that I seem unable to perform such a basic a function as enduring your need for me. Guilt at my weakness, at my selfishness, at my inadequate limits. Guilt that I am not enough, never enough for you. Guilt that I could ever wish you far away.
Turning, I pull you up and under, your body settling into my shape. I cannot yet look at you but your eager grin hovers an inch from my face in the half-light, your breath heavy and sweet. You wriggle your way through my defences, seeking out my bruises and my hurts with gentle hands, your fingers pushing their way through my hair to stroke and sooth and pat: movements learnt from being their recipient so many times.
You lie still for only a moment, but it is long enough for me to feel a rush of love so strong and deep it takes my breath, releasing in one low, shaking sob, that makes my body move and throw off the cover to let in the bright light of the dawn, here at last.
And I hold you close to me, breathing in your smell and your warmth and your life as the long night drips off me, and you begin to chatter with your nonsense words, telling me of your plans, about the red car that just drove past and that the dog from next door is awake and barking hello, and how you’d really like some breakfast please.
I take your hands in mine and plant a kiss on each small palm and look up at you to smile. Breakfast. Yes.
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A very honest and deeply moving post. I hope that writing this has also helped a wee bit.
the_moiderer´s last blog ..Help my baby is a teenager! 
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beautiful post…sending you lots of virtual TLC…
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Don’t *ever* think you are alone with those thoughts and those feelings. Being a parent is the hardest, most exhausting and emotionally draining thing any of us will ever do xx
mumstheboss´s last blog ..Business Resolutions for 2010
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I have just been trasnported back to the first two years of both my children’s lives. I remember the feeling so well.
I love reading your posts, I love the way you write and take me somewhere else. A rare talent!
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So well written and I can identify with the guilt of wishing your child away. Sleep deprivation certainly magnifies the stress.
I just saw the movie of your little one having a boogie – he is gorgeous!
Make do mum´s last blog ..Weekend freebies
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You took me right back to countless dark, cold winter mornings, me resentfully sitting with which ever small child it happened to be at the time, waiting for Cbeebies to start. There were times I hated them, but it does pass, painfully slowly and they do sleep better as they get older.
I couldn’t sleep with mine, no matter how many times I had to get up in the night to stroke and pat them back to sleep or feed them, I still preferred to have my own space for the all too brief periods of sleep in between the cold sojourns in their room.
Early waking is miserable in winter. Thinking of you.
Victoria´s last blog ..View from a London bus
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Beautifully written and painfully honest. I applaud you for putting into words those feelings that many parents would never even admit to themselves they have.
Dads go there too. And those feelings can still surface when the kids are much older, although often for different reasons.
I hope that Kai soon knows that sleep ISN’T for the weak, and lets both of you have the slumber you so desperately need.
Michael´s last blog ..My escape
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you somehow manage to write exactly how i feel sometimes, i feel enormous guilt when i wish imogen wasnt there just for an hour of peace. i suppose thats what motherhood is, a rollacoaster of feelings and emotions, good and bad. the bad times make us appreciate the good times even more xxx
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Oh Josie, I do know how you feel, how hard are those endless wakeful hours, when all you want is sleep.
I hope that putting it on paper, has helped put things in to persepective
Thema´s last blog ..Childrens Craft Showcase – Fabric Painting on Bags for Gandmas
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Oh Josie, that is just how i feel right now. But you put it so much better than i ever could x
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Still in utter awe of your patience and inner strength with the never-ending ‘wide-awake-Bear issue’. You are a wonderful, brilliant Mummy Bear and I wholeheartedly salute you, my love XXX
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Which mother couldn’t relate to this? Good thing biology invented unconditional love. Shame it didn’t also invent a special button to press whenever sleep deprivation kicks in.
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So amazingly and honestly written. And you are most definitely not alone, with any of those emotions. We are all human, and sometimes that’s just so difficult to cope with.
Guilt. A Mom’s Best Friend.
jay´s last blog ..Mail for Noah
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Damn, you are good Josie. This one got me crying, knowing those feelings and early mornings so well. Sleep depravation is so cruel.
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Awesomeness! Wow..that was such a long time ago for me but that brought it all front and center! Nice job! I’m sorry I can’t tell you it get’s better. I eventually settled for longing for the time when they left home. One never has left home for long, and the menopause keeps me from sleeping like I dreamt of for years, but I remain hopeful. I love your writing and will try to subscribe. 
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I think we have all been here. Guilt just makes us inarticulate and tongue-tied.
Thank you for articulating this for me.
turtleturtleturtle´s last blog ..Christmas traditions
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Gosh, that’s so beautifully written. It made me cry.
xx MM
Metropolitan Mum´s last blog ..Malnourished Monday #5
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Oh J, that made me sob.
I promise you it’ll get better. I promise you. xx
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Oh Josie.
(((hugs)))
I remember the line from the song, “no one ever said it was easy… no one ever said it would be so hard”.
Ruth Moss´s last blog ..Fun feminism and ladygarden topiary
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I know how you feel. Being a parent is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and the most amazing too. Hope you get a bit more sleep tonight x
SandyCalico´s last blog ..The Misery of Being 15 Months Old and Poorly
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Josie – what an amazing way with words you have.
Nothing I can write here even comes close but will be thinking of you tonight as I battle to settle both of mine who are under the weather 
Sleep deprivation is barbaric, hope little man recovers soon.
Xx
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Beautiful, Josie, and you must now know that you are not alone.
Guilt hits me too when I think “Shit, you really are here forever, aren’t you?” or “That holiday, that complete break away from you isn’t ever going to happen, is it, My Darling?”
Thank you so much. Motherhood has to be the hardest, most wonderful job we’ve all ever done xxx
Weston-super-Mum´s last blog ..Big City Lights (Writing Workshop)
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For teh longest time I would watch my little girl sleeping and feel the huge weight of guilt on my shoulders because she looked so peaceful and gorgeous and yet during the day I would have my head in my hands wondering how the hell to handle her.
As one who has been through it, it will pass. It never feels like it will, but rest assured that day will come! x
Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..Our Christmas tree tells the story of our family
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:::hugs::: Josie, I remember those days well! There’s nothing like the way the little fingers can call straight to your heart and pull you out of it though. . . =)
Erin´s last blog ..What does Clever Preschooler’s Joseph wear?
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Josie, all I can say – is it does get better (in this way) your challenges as a mum simply shift. As a mum to a 19 yr old, a 6 yr old and a couple in between – you just learn what you already know – sleep is for the weak!
xx
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In tears again – well done hon for keeping going – I know the numb, too too well.
*hugs many*
april´s last blog ..Merrily eating a kit kat on my way home celebration – i got into a brilliant course
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I send you big huge hugs and a wish for a good nights sleep x
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peace be with you tonight x
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Beautifully written but oh so hard.
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I have been there, and felt those feelings. And it does get easier. The slightly harder thing to believe is that you sort of miss it when it’s over. Crazy, but totally true.
Amber´s last blog ..The Decline of Babywearing
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I am in awe of your beautiful writing and also your patience. I don’t think there’s any mother anywhere who will deny they’ve felt exactly the same at some point. You are a wonderful mum. x
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Oh, you got me crying. I had the same feeling on saturday. I hope you get a good night sleep tonight. They do eventually grow up and sleep for the night. And then you wish you could cuddle with them like that again. big big hugs.
Foodie mummy´s last blog ..The best presents come from the heart.
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That was quite beautiful. And I recognise that feeling. Just when you think you’ve run out altogether, they find a little bit more. Then somehow they give it back.
Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Scripts by my father
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Wonderful post Josie. Something we can all relate to.
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If you survive this, you can survive anything. I hope your breakfast included tea and toast. xxx
Mwa´s last blog ..I am not your stalker, but I am the one you can smell around the corner
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Oh this is beautiful. and heartbreaking. and honest. it’s ok for us to feel this way sometimes – god knows I do…. god knows there are times at 3 in the morning when i can barely register my maternal feelings. well done..
Mummy Mania´s last blog ..Role Reversal
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Such a beautiful post Josie. You have such a way with words and have just taken me back to the early year or so with my son. It is such a hard time but it does get better…lots of hugs for you xx
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This really took me back to when we went through a tough time at nights with my second. Some nights I coped and some nights I didn’t.
S x
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Your writing takes my breath away. Simply amazing.
Kelly´s last blog ..Dorma review – Boudior Cushion
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Thank you thank you thank you thank you. For your words and taking the time to comment. Things seem to insist on being a bit tough at the mo so apologies for the downer posts. Your kindness makes a huge difference to me xxxx
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I know how you feel (not the cumalative sleep deprivation, thankfully once past the first few months both of mine are OK sleepers – barring the odd bad patch) but feeling so torn, between love for them and just sometimes needing to wish selfishly for what you need most – a break away from them.
Typically the days that we feel most in need of another adult are always the days when there is nobody else at home to take over and give us a few hours sleep. I hope that you get a good nights sleep soon, or at least lots of tea and TLC from your other half. x
Ellen´s last blog ..A quiet cuddle
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Josie Reply:
December 18th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
@Linda, Thank you xxx
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