Circles of Trust
Posted by Josie on Dec 5, 2009 in Me | 52 comments
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http://iknowineedtostoptalking.blogspot.com
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http://mumssurvivalguide.blogspot.com
I actually think people can be devious in “real life” just as much as they can be online. I can be very anti social when I feel like it and prefer to have a very small close knit of friends rather than lots of aquantances. In the past I prefer to chat online as like you say you can leave when you want and you don’t have to make horrible small talk!
.-= Mum’s Survival Guide´s last blog ..Exciting new plans =-.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:33 am@Mum’s Survival Guide, You are right of course – there’s few guarantees that you won’t be let down in real life too, yet somehow that is still seen as the ‘safer’ option! x
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http://www.and1moremeansfour.blogspot.com
Having met you in real life (bmb northern meet up) i think you are lovely. I hope i came across the same as i do online. I totally agree, i find it so easier to be the real me online there is less pressure as we are only judged by our writing nothing else.
I like to think that every friend i have made online are genuine and so far this has been true but i guess there are people who like to make up things and we should air a bit of caution like we would if we were meeting people in the flesh.
i love my online friends these people (including you) are the best friends i could ask for, when i have a problem someone is always listening, someone always offers a sympathetic ear if i’m upset and if i’ve had a bad day a nice comment on my blog or a quick chat on twitter makes everything better xxxxxx
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http://itsasmallworldafterallfamily.wordpress.com
As you surmised, I’m very like you in that I find it easier to be open and really ‘myself’ online rather than in a social situation. I have a very few very good friends who I am myself with, otherwise, I think I come across as rather quiet and shy. It takes me a long time to relax with people in the real world.
I’ve never had a bad experience with someone online, and to date, everyone has been who they say they are, I think. The most annoying thing I’ve found, is the “I love your blog, you are amazing blah blah blah, would you write something for our website?”. I then put in lots of work and send it in, only for them to never get in touch again. But that’s irritating rather than upsetting. I’m sure strange/not nice people could worm their way into your affections and then turn bad, but I’ve been lucky.
.-= Victoria´s last blog ..Six for a fiver! =-.[Reply]
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http://lucypaw.blogspot.com/
I admit that I am probably on the naive side. I tend to believe people are who they say they are. It’s generally paid off for me. If I didn’t trust I would have missed out on meeting some wonderful people who are my friends and one who’s far more. I find that being slightly psuedonymous allows me to feel slightly protected while still allowing me to be myself.
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..The Transphobe Who Can Ruin Your Day =-.[Reply]
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http://www.arewenearlythereyetmummy.com
Hmmm. I met my husband online 10 years ago. We chatted online for 6 weeks before we actually met in ‘real life’. When I met him for the first time we knew nearly everything about each other, I’d probably told him things that I wouldn’t have told someone I’d met in a pub on a night out. 3 months later we were living together.
I’ve met a few people through the blog. We went to Disney and Port Aventura on review trips. We may not have spent more than a week together but I consider them my friends and would turn to them in a crisis (and have done).
The best compliment recently recieved was that I am just like the blog. I would never blog about something that I would not be comfortable about disclosing in real life. I’m in no way anonymous so I do sometimes censor myself (in that I wouldn’t write a blog post about certain people in my life) and I wouldn’t lie or stretch the truth.
Like you I assume people are being honest until I am proved wrong. I haven’t had a bad experience … yet.
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Ruth Moss Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 8:05 am@Laura, Yeah, I think that’s part of it actually, I had only known Lucy for a few months before I met her, but I had told her things that I would never have told someone I’d only just met “in real life” as it were.
.-= Ruth Moss´s last blog ..Bach =-.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:49 am@Laura, Love your story. I can imagine how that could happen too – I think sometimes one of the hardest things in new relationships is breaking down barriers and the safety of doing that from behind the computer screen maybe makes it easier for us to open up.
Hope I get to meet you one day and put your bloggy persona to the test
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http://americanmominengland.blogspot.com
I like to think that I am open and honest about who I am online and to a certain extent I expect others to do the same.
I do acknowledge that there are people who go online as other people/other personas and aren’t honest. They exist and in the past I’ve met some of them.
However, I think that friendships whether of the online or face to face variety are built on truth and honesty. Excersising caution in what you share online to protect friends/family is one thing, outright lying is another and is not something I tolerate once I realize it’s going on.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..My Friday Five. . . =-.[Reply]
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http://www.whosthemummy.co.uk
Interesting post.
I had an experience this year that happened in real life.
I moved to a new town and made friends with this woman. I really liked and trusted her, and I genuinely would have said we were very good friends. It sadly turned out she was only interested in me for as long as I was providing her with cheap PR and copywriting services – the night I told her I couldn’t afford to keep working for her? Is the last time she ever spoke a single word to me.
I was talking to the chap this weekend about it and he asked me how I felt – and my honest answer is that while it’s hurtful to think you’ve been fooled, or taken advantage of, or lied about, I wouldn’t do anything differently next time.
I am genuinely, 100 percent glad that I’m a person who looks for the best in people and situations. Sometimes, you’re going to be disappointed, but it’s so much better than the alternative. Why let a few rotten apples rob you of your faith and optimism?
I take the same approach on the Internet. I tend to work from the starting position that people are good and truthful. Yes, people present the best possible version of themselves online, but I think your personality shines through. Certainly, I can think of a dozen or so bloggers or Tweeters I wouldn’t want to meet in ‘real’ life because I’ve seen them be rude or patronising or offensive just once too often. If you’re an arse, it’s very hard to hide over an extended period of time.
I’m not suggesting you should give your bank account details to a stranger. Of course, you should take the same precautions when meeting a blogger that you’d take when meeting anyone new for the first time. But why close yourself off to the possibilities of meeting new friends, or exploring new opportunities?
The benefits can be personal, or professional – a huge proportion of my income in the last year has come about because of relationships built on social networks, and I’ve also met some amazing people who provide me with the most enormous amount of support, entertainment and information.
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http://drawingdad.wordpress.com/
This is a very interesting question. Research* suggests that people trust more easily online and can feel much closer to people more quickly than they would offline. This can easily lead to disappointment if you were to discover they’re not who they presented themselves as. Or you may regret being so open with them if they suddenly turn on you. I’ve seen that happen.
My own experience, however, has been pretty positive. I, too, mostly use the net to make connections with the world and enjoy the ease of interacting with people without having to, you know, talk to them face to face. I’ve only met 3 people I know online in “real life” and they are all great.
I think that, in most cases, you can spot people who are being disingenuous sooner or later. Then it’s all too easy to ignore or block them. You’re right, being able to make the rules is one of the great things about being online.
* I don’t have a reference for this, but there is actual research to support this. Somewhere…
.-= Michael´s last blog ..My escape =-.[Reply]
april Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 1:52 am@Michael, I think that ‘research’ was ‘today tonight’ actually – but based on a University study of some kind…
.-= april´s last blog ..Avril’s 80’s… =-.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 9:46 am@Michael, I think you’re right, it’s easier to trust quicker and caught up in new friendships online and maybe forget how little we actually know about these people. But also I agree that the ‘bad eggs’ tend to reveal themselves soon enough, and when that happens as least online you have the power to block and ignore.
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http://bringingupcharlie.co.uk
I’m nothing like my online persona… I’m a grumpy, miserable middle-aged man with a disease that makes it hurt to put his socks on and take his clothes off in the evening. Who wants t read about that? Not me, for sure… We’re all our own best editors and nobody’s completely candid. If we’re honest, then I think we’re doing just about the best we can.
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Who’s been sleeping in MY bed? =-.[Reply]
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http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/
I’m like you Josie, I’m very trusting or I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
It’s obviously easier to befriend someone online because people lose their inhibitions somewhat. They can be a lot more open and unguarded I find than in ‘real life’.
And so I am mindful that the person they are online may not be the person they are offline.There are a couple of bloggers I have exchanged emails with ‘behind the scenes’ who I have instantly bonded with. No idea why. Just like the cut of their jib.
But, as Laura said, it wasn’t until I went away and met some of these people face to face on a weekend review trip that I really discovered what great people they are.
So people like Jo Beaufoix and Laura’s blogs I had read previously and enjoyed and had some banter with them, but when I actually met them I found really lovely friends. They are just like their blogs. JUST like them. And now I have a bunch of really good friends who I sometimes wonder if they don’t know me better than some of my oldest friends because they read my blog!I guess what I’m saying is face to face works best for me as I like to think I can get the measure of someone from meeting them. It’s easy to be someone else online but a lot harder to hide that in person.
.-= Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..Why does motherhood make me feel so ooooold? =-.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 9:49 am@Tara@Sticky Fingers, I can relate to this – as much as I like my online friendships there does come a point where I wish for real life validation. There’s a lot of people I really hope I will be able to meet someday, not so they can ‘prove themselves’ but because I’m already so fond of them that it’s impossible for me not to want to get to know them in the real world too x
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http://www.strocel.com
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http://babyrambles.blogspot.com
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http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/
“Often I feel too tired for the effort of social interaction in my real life. I don’t get most people, or feel that they get me. I’m not very good at opening up to people, feeling like I have to pretend to be someone ‘acceptable’ the whole time, nor am particularly good at social niceties. I get irritated and bored easily, feel easily overwhelmed, and am very self concious. There are very few people I feel comfortable being truly myself with” You are talking about me, get out of my head
– now to read the rest of your blog…
.-= april´s last blog ..Avril’s 80’s… =-.[Reply]
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http://lifeslightlyused.wordpress.com/
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http://insomniacmummy.com
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http://leftofthepleiades.blogspot.com
Online, I’m not very anonymous at all; use my real name, pictures of me, I say which town I live in; it doesn’t take much at all to work out who I am (and quite a few people have).
In terms of “persona”, I’m probably a little ‘larger than life’ online, but otherwise, I’m pretty similar. The only big difference is, that like you, I’m better typing than talking, so I come across as a lot more articulate and intelligent online than I do in person. In person I’m quite clumsy with my words and prefer to listen; online, I’m more chatty.
Trusting people you meet online? Well, hmm, I might know a little bit about that…
Of course, when I told everyone about this amazing woman I’d met online and fallen in love with, there was the usual concern “but you don’t know her she could be anyone” but I believed she was who she said she was, and, you know, having met her, left my husband for her, got engaged to her… well, I’m glad I took that chance.
.-= Ruth Moss´s last blog ..Bach =-.[Reply]
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http://themadhouse-themadhouse.blogspot.com/
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http://www.kidstart.co.uk/livingwithkids
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http://notesfromlapland.blogspot.com/
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http://www.yummymummytips.com
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Pingback: uberVU - social comments
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http://20somethingmum.blogspot.com
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http://brazenbeyondbelief.wordpress.com/
Interesting question.
I think I most be closer to Kathryn on this one than anyone else! With a philosophical hat on, I would say to remember that identity is a multi-faceted thing that we only perceive through presentation in any case – you never get the whole person in any social interaction. Given that it takes one hell of a lot of different kinds of contact to get a good idea of who they are. I only trust the people I am very close to – and even then not with everything – but that isn’t a problem. In fact to be really annally logical – to fully trust someone means to know everything about them which is to BE them. Boring. Sorry.
As for online? My impression so little happens in a few lines of text that I find it very difficult to take it too seriously. As for porridgebrain, I know her too well. And I’m unashamedly proud to have known her since birth and not just through lines of text… Hate to be a killjoy but that is better isn’t it?!
.-= Dave´s last blog ..2i. A Broken Perspective: Innocence Introduced =-.[Reply]
Kathryn Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm@Dave, Yay, I’m not the only weirdy out there!
Great post Dave (and not solely because you agree with me!) xx
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Advent: Day 6 =-.[Reply]
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http://www.usebefore.blogspot.com
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http://www.musingsofageriatricmummy.blogspot.com
This is such a big topic for me that rather than hijack your comments I think I should do a whole post of my own… and link back to you of course…if that’s OK?
But for the record, I am totally candid on my blog. It’s for me, not done simply for the entertainment of my readers, and therefore I will post about exactly what I think and how I feel…even if it’s not what other people want to read…at least it is the absolute truth ! We mummy’s don’t get much opportunity to be self indulgent do we ? Well this is mine
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http://alybean.wordpress.com
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http://www.angelsandurchins.co.uk/blog
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http://WebsiteURL
Definitely an interesting idea for an article, my love. Unfortunately, being the complete hermit/recluse that I am, and probably the only person on the planet who isn’t a member of Facebook/Twitter etc, I’m probably not the best person to philosophise on the projection of self and identity through social networking sites. However, as the aforementioned (and v proud to be) Best Friend, I thought I’d add a few points from the perspective of somebody who has known you since forever in real life (but not quite as forever as Mr Dave,
). I love the blog, and think it really showcases the side to you that is imaginative and inventive; you are a brilliant writer. I really adored the Red Shoes post, and immediately recognised the dreamy, slightly awkward but fiercely bright and independent little girl (who will probably always be there, hiding, somewhere: a bit of Lola (as in sister of Charlie).
For anyone reading who has never met you: this is the real Josie, and I think that you definitely come across as ‘you’, although I think that people who know you will recognise different traits, different glimmers of your personality that somebody who had never met you might not be able to see. For example, when I read Bear-won’t-sleep themed posts, I can see the ‘I am so absolutely cross with you for being a ratbag Kai, I don’t know whether to try and pretend to stay cross, or whether to burst into a fit of giggles and munch your nose’ face. Yes – that face!! Tee hee.
So yes. It’s really you; I’m pleased to say.
Also, I loved reading the comments to this post, but thought that the stories from Laura and Ruth about meeting their respective husband/wife through t’internet were especially heart-warming. I know that ‘the internet’ can be ‘full of nutters’, but as somebody else whose marriage certainly wasn’t (and isn’t) conventional, it’s nice to read the happy stories
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Josie Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:32 am
@Kathryn, That makes me sad.
I agree that people are fallible but not trusting at all means you miss out on a lot of opportunities for friendship and connection I think. Part of trusting is about accepting fallibilities and weaknesses, but then as a fallible person myself this is what I ask of others too. I guess what I’m trying to say is yes, trusting people is a risk, but life without risks is a pretty limited one.
I’m sorry you feel like this! x
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