Daily Life Motherhood Sleep Deprived Tough Times: blogging with integrity challenges dark places frustration limits Motherhood Offloading parenting patience phases ring wraith screaming child Sleep is for the Weak temper tantrums testing times this too shall pass toddlers Tough Times transition Nazgul
by Josie
51 comments
Please Send Wine and Cake
*WARNING: In line with my honest disclosure policy and commitment to blogging with integrity, I should warn you that this a whiney post*
Kai is going through a phase.
At least, I think he is. It could be teething, it often is. I fear not, however, I fear that this is just HIM.
I never realised this about babies, before I had one that is. I figured that they grew and stuff (obviously), but I never realised THEY changed so much. Their needs, their personalities. That periodically they would become demon children from hell as they transitioned to a new stage.
Kai I think is in one such transition. After he started walking we had a month where he was absolutely delightful – everything was fun and exciting and interesting. We’d spend all day going on adventures and discovering the world from an upright position and all the many delights it had to offer – puddles, pidgeon chasing, running with wild abandon through the shopping centre and trying to steal things from shops. I loved it, and, as I always do I stupidly, rested on my laurels and thought “Ahhh this is lovely. THIS is what Kai will be like now. Life shall be good from now on”.
And then came this week.
This week where the my lovely, smiley boy was replaced with Lord of the Nazgul, complete with ear piercing shriek which he proceeded to unleash, with tears and biting and hitting and thrashing around, roughly every 7 minutes.
Here he is in all his glory:
NOTHING has pleased this boy this week. He doesn’t want to play, he doesn’t want to go outside, he doesn’t want to make dens on the sofa, or build things, or colour. He most certainly does not want to take a nap. All he wants to do is shout at me with nonsensical words, throw things, attempt to scale the furniture and get his mitts on every type of easily breakable thing in the house. Every trip to a public place has resulted in a prostrate, screaming child, and me trying to wrestle him, plank-like, into his pushchair by pinning him with my knee and fending off well-aimed kicks to my head. I am THAT mother, smiling wanly and embarrassingly, as the world looks on slightly pityingly obviously wondering why I seem unable to control my child and worrying that his head seems to be covered in rather nastly looking bruises (from throwing himself backwards and hitting it on every protruding edge in sight).
Our routine has gone to pot. Again. This is the other thing you don’t expect as a parent. You are told that routines are important for a child so you do your upmost to settle into a consistent rhythm of eating and sleeping. And it works, beautifully, for about 6 weeks. Two months max. Then you find they suddenly change the rules – they want to get up earlier, or aren’t ready for bed at the same time. They need less naps, or shorter naps, or more snacks. And you are left running to keep up.
I HATE these times. They never fail to make me feel incompetent, insecure, useless and doubt every single aspect of my parenting.
Of course, it will settle again, it always does. But in the meantime I am in my own personal hell and miserable with it. I’m still so tired anyway, with my blood pressure all over the place (turns out that’s why I keep falling over), and I’m having to spend my days wrestling with a small, ferocious ball of rage.
The worst thing is that he is always as good as gold when in the company of others, like his grandmas, so meaning they don’t really understand what all the fuss is about or why Ant and I periodically take on a grey, shrivelled look and look at our child slightly fearfully, worried he might ‘go off’ at any second.
God only knows what’s up with the child. I fear a lot of it is frustration – we had a similar patch just before he learnt to walk. He is obviously so desperate to communicate, babbling desperately and earnestly at every moment. Shaking his head and gesturing wildly. But what ever developmental thing that needs to ‘click’ to make talking possible just hasn’t happened yet. He struggles to formulate more than a handful of basic words although understands nearly everything you say to him. You can almost see him, trapped in this little body of his that hasn’t quite caught up to his brain. It’s no wonder he’s so angry really, I think I would be too.
Luckily time heals all ills, no doubt he WILL learn to talk eventually and this frustration will ease and all will settle again. Until the next thing of course.
And in the meantime, I’m left with this…
Please send cake. And wine. I mean it. For the love of god. Please.
I’m sure you’ve all been there. Any advice always appreciated xx
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Love the photos. Love the blog entry. All completely bloody true – I walked through Chichester for half an hour today with a screaming, rigid Jamie hanging out of his pushchair.
I ignored him and bought myself a beautiful hat!
All totally normal. Wine and cake coming your way. Roll on 29th xxx
Kathryn´s last blog ..Things I have learned … 
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I think they could make quite a team our boys. Can’t wait to see you xx
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oh I hope its just a phase and it passes soon.
These little people do test us. No sooner than we figure out the new phase are they off to a new more demanding one.
Snafflesmummy´s last blog ..I Am Packing My Bags
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Snafflesmummy, I think the phase may be ‘childhood’! x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
@Snafflesmummy, I think the phase may be ‘childhood’! x
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Virtual cake and wine on its way!! And chocolate, just for good measure.
I can’t give any advice. I’m not there yet – we have the routine changes, but not yet the huge personality changes – but Moo’s not walking yet and only a bum-shuffler, so the world is pretty restricted for her so far 
But the best advice I was ever given when I had Moo was “everything’s a phase – the good and the bad”, or alternatively, this too shall pass…
And so far it has been proved right.
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I’ve found 18 months one of the hardest ages with all of mine. They get so frustrated with everything. They get really tired because they refuse to nap, although I think they continue to need a nap for at least another year, if not two. They can’t talk, they can’t choose what they eat (only to not eat), they can’t really make any decisions. It’s tough for them, but obviously tough for you too. Hang in there, and make use of Ceebies. x
Victoria´s last blog ..Twinkle twinkle little star
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I’m sure i shouldn’t be laughing at the pictures of the screaming child.. my sincere apologies!
I cannot imagine what you are going through. I thought i had it bad this evening as Roo Bear has been awfully sulky since my mum went on holiday. Hes clingy and he just wants attention all the time! He even followed me into the toilet, silly dog.
Alas i have no wise words of wisdom or encouragement. I do however have a cupboard full of Vodka – me thinks it will do a better job than wine!
I ate the cake. Sorry!
Kelly´s last blog ..Day 1 in the Mighty Maggots House…
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Oh my goodness. They don’t call them the terrible two’s for nothing (but they do start at about 18 months and go on until 3). The look of utter frustration on Kai’s face is the same one I saw on No 1 son’s countless times when he was little (and still do, sometimes). All you can do is try and appease, distract and take deep breaths. Be really patient – I seem to remember that if I misunderstood anything No 1 Son was trying to explain to me (he had a lisp) it would drive him insane. A friend’s son once lay down in the middle of a road because he was so incensed at her apparent deliberate attempts to misunderstand his toddlygook. Kai is probably trying to tell you why he feels that the collapse of the Dubai economy could have catastrophic consequences for the global situation – he just doesn’t have the words to express himself, and that makes him mad!!! Take it from me, soon enough he’ll be arguing with you over every little thing… xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
@Liz (LivingwithKids), Kai is, in fact, 16 months so I feel like I have been hit extra early!! You are right, it must be SO frustrating for them – especially if they are an economic genius! (well, you never know!!) x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
@Liz (LivingwithKids), Kai is, in fact, 16 months so I feel like I have been hit extra early!! You are right, it must be SO frustrating for them – especially if they are an economic genius! (well, you never know!!) x
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OMG my toddler does that same face when he’s being a bit of a demon! I had to do a double take! I remember this stage all to well, with toddler screaming and headbutting his buggy, ppl staring in the street and me trying to act casual whilst fighting tears! It does pass even if it does seem to last for ages. I also know what you mean about people visiting…butter wouldn’t melt.
Laura C´s last blog ..Baby Girl gets the giggles
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Batten down the hatches and stock up on that cake and wine.
We have phases like this with Ethan periodically. 18 -22 months was a rough patch for us which coincided with him being a page boy ay my BIL’s wedding. He threw one of his infamous tantrims at the top of the aisle and refused to walk down. Me? Mortified much?
The best advice I can give is to hang in there, keep your cool and don’t rise to the tantrums. Toddlers crave any attention, positive or negative. If tantrumming gets them the attention they crave – result.
Distraction is a good technique that has got me out of many an tricky situation and if all else fails ther are always chocolate buttons .
Sending hugs, wine and brownies.
xxxxxx
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..The Bitterest Pill
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@Insomniac Mummy, Distraction usually works quite well with Kai too. And you’re right, ignoring is the best thing. It’s just so hard to stay cool!!!
The chocolate buttons are for me right?
x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
@Insomniac Mummy, Distraction usually works quite well with Kai too. And you’re right, ignoring is the best thing. It’s just so hard to stay cool!!!
The chocolate buttons are for me right?
x
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You have to be one step ahead in this war! Remember they are like soliders planning an attack. They are all sweetness and light while they suss you out for a few weeks and then they pounce when you least expect it and are at your weakest. Never show fear (they can smell it!). If you remember this you may be able to get through the next “stage”….
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Ha! You’re so right about the changing eras…we’re in the whiny little man phase right now. Every is just such an effort for the little fella. He’s very 3:) and he knows just how to show me up as his favourite battle cry is to scream ‘I want my daddy’ as I wheel him around the supermarket/library/anywhere quiet enough for people to hear, clock me, and make a very swift judgement. You just can’t win can you. Virtual green and blacks, virtual wine, virtual patience coming your way x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@gigi (MUMSROCK), Thank you muchly. Sorry you’re having a whiney patch too! Green and Blacks all round… 
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@gigi (MUMSROCK), Thank you muchly. Sorry you’re having a whiney patch too! Green and Blacks all round…
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Oh hon **HUGS** and *Chocolate Mud Cake* and *Zinfandel* (very nice red). It is horrible when stages like this happen and they do and they will and they will make you cry, often a lot. The terrible twos often are said in this house to be the terrible 1.5-3′s. Thats how long the tatrum-y horridness lasted for bub 1, bub 2 has just gone through his own period of nastyness at age 7, but by 7 you can talk about it more. Many many hugs and remember that he is essentially the same Kai. That will never change. He will always love you and need you, and always give the best hugs ever. But yes, the trasition between half speech and comprehension is very very hard on them I think. *even more hugs and cake*
april´s last blog ..Dear Santa
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It sounds like Kai is a toddler. We are re-entering this stage again, here. They want to do so much, and when they can’t (either due to their own limited abilities or your active prevention) they rain holy hell down on the world. It is not fun, not fun at all.
The good news, of course, is that this won’t last forever. It will get better and worse and better and worse and eventually you will have a functional preschooler who can print his name and use the toilet unassisted and avoid screaming for no apparent reason. And in the meantime, you will realize why toddlers are so cute. Because they HAVE to be, to make up for the bad parts.
I am sending you all the good thoughts I can muster. It will be OK, but this is probably more ‘the new normal’ than a short stage.
Amber´s last blog ..Handmade Christmas
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
@Amber, I fear you may be right actually A – we’ll probably get good weeks and bad but I think this may be it for a while! And you are right about the cuteness – just as I feel like my head may actually explode he comes and gives gives me his best grin and all is forgiven (well… almost…) xx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
@Amber, I fear you may be right actually A – we’ll probably get good weeks and bad but I think this may be it for a while! And you are right about the cuteness – just as I feel like my head may actually explode he comes and gives gives me his best grin and all is forgiven (well… almost…) xx
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So very true and you are right, it is the one thing no one ever warned me about either!
My tips (as a Mum and long time early childhood teacher) – try and give a warning about what is coming next, “When we finish our banana we are going to play outside,” try and give limited choices as it empowers toddlers (blogged about it here http://childhood101.blogspot.com/2009/11/choices-choices.html), get out of the house to hang out (in stress free environments) with other Mums and toddlers (they are the people who understand and keep you sane) and when you are really over it, stop what you are doing, put on some music and just dance! Good luck!
Christie – Childhood 101´s last blog ..The People In Your Neighborhood:Bush Belles Part 2
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
@Christie – Childhood 101, The choices advice is spot on – already, pre-speech, Kai likes to feel like he’s made the decision about something. Thanks!
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
@Christie – Childhood 101, The choices advice is spot on – already, pre-speech, Kai likes to feel like he’s made the decision about something. Thanks!
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I loved the photographs, by the way. But I know exactly what you mean about waiting for them to ‘go off’. There is a constant underlying tension, even when Gertie is being good. It is exhausting just being on the look out for it. The only thing I can say is that it just gets easier as outbursts become less frequent…
Theresa´s last blog ..What Spacial Awareness?
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He is just testing you Josie.This is why I taught the girls sign language.At 20 months DD2 does the same.My best advice is to ignore it.As for words, DD2 has suddenly started saying words we never taught her and recognising numbers.I know how embarassing it can be with a screaming toddler when shopping.People are looking at you with sympathy not because you are a bad mother.I take DD2 to the park or feed the ducks before going into town.It means she engages in an activity, gets happy vibes and tired before I get to do what I want to do.My DS hated 2nd hand shops when he was a toddler but the girls were fine.DD1 hated big supermarkets and DD2 is getting that way.I have to ply her with snacks on our way round.Then sods law, she falls asleep on the way home.Keep smiling, because they can pick when you are stressed.DD1 was a nightmare at home when she was at home.But at nursery and around other people she was an angel.We seeked help in the end because we had got in such a viscious circle.This time round we are laughing things off or just walking away when she has a tantrum.
Big hug x
Aly´s last blog ..Christmas Video Countdown-Slade
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As one who has been through this phase and come out the other end, I FEEL your pain Josie.
As least you recognise that it is a phase and that it will pass and that you will be worrying about something totally different next year!
Good for you for venting on your blog. And to post the sort of picture that v few people will do (toddler S C R E A M I N G!)
x
Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..Things I have said to my daughter today
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@Tara@Sticky Fingers, Ahh that photo was too good not to post! And what on earth is the point in having a blog if you can’t vent huh?! x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@Tara@Sticky Fingers, Ahh that photo was too good not to post! And what on earth is the point in having a blog if you can’t vent huh?! x
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You have lots of good comments here so why am I bothering? Okay just to send sympathy and some extra virtual wine and cake because you’ve probably finished the first lot. ‘Phases’ – that’s the key word. Everything is a temporary phase: good behaviour and bad. The thing I’ve learnt most from being a parent is adaptability and patience. Just when you think you’ve cracked it… turns out you haven’t so you need another plan. Tiring isn’t it? Hope this week is a bit better for you x
Emily O´s last blog ..mychild interview and Batman at the nativity
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Ah, a bundle of rage. I had a bundle of cringlyness this week. The little one just wants me, to be in my arms and hey where are you going mama get back here NOW.
Much sympathy. Hope you ate some cake.
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
@Capital Mom, I did. Lots. Hope you get a better week this week too x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
@Capital Mom, I did. Lots. Hope you get a better week this week too x
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Oh, Josie – we have indeed all been there, and (!more importantly!) come out the other side. I loved that last picture, by the way. Perfect visualisation of the demon toddler.
Advice? Set boundaries and stick with them. Children who test their parents just want to feel that they are there, and know best. Also? Distraction (as said before) and don’t reward bad behaviour with lots of attention. Time-outs work well for me. Also explaining “that’s not how we talk to mummy” (I know it sounds horribly patronising, but combined with modeling the correct way to ask for something it has worked for me). What also helps me is to try and get up believing the best about my kids every morning. The best way to make them misbehave is to assume they will be horrible to me that day. It’s something about the way I talk to them.
Above all? Make sure you sometimes take some time for yourself, and ask for help if you need it. Perhaps daddy/granny would love to spend the afternoon with him while you go and sleep/write/hit a pillow.
Mwa´s last blog ..Everything looks prettier without cynicism
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
@Mwa, I am loving my afternoons with Grandma right now. LOVING them I tell you.
And yes, mirroring works well for us. Won’t lie down to go to sleep? Well, I do and he soon copies. Same with talking in a quiet voice when he is shouting.
All these little tricks huh?! I guess I’ll get better at them as I go xx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
@Mwa, I am loving my afternoons with Grandma right now. LOVING them I tell you.
And yes, mirroring works well for us. Won’t lie down to go to sleep? Well, I do and he soon copies. Same with talking in a quiet voice when he is shouting.
All these little tricks huh?! I guess I’ll get better at them as I go xx
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My advice? wine. and cake. and chocolate. and lots more wine and grandmother. Lots and lots of trips to grandmother.
Heather´s last blog ..You Know it’s Been Windy When…
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Ooh, I feel sorry for you both. Hopefully he’ll start to feel like his usual self very soon. My daughter’s routine would change about every six weeks too. No-one warned me either. Even at six years old it sometimes goes to pot! Hang in there. It does get better.
Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Solving the problem of boys
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@Rosie Scribble, Oh no! Don’t say that!! I expect for the first couple of years, but at 6??! Noooo!!! x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@Rosie Scribble, Oh no! Don’t say that!! I expect for the first couple of years, but at 6??! Noooo!!! x
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all i have to say is ‘thank the lord im not the only one!’ how my little angel manages to turn into the devil himself with a flick of the eyelids causes constant suprise and frustration for me, even at the tender age of 16 weeks she shows her personality in beautiful grins and fits of rage that would put a rabid dog to shame. the exhaustion i can deal with, ive resigned myself to that but the continuous fits for no apparent reason are going to be my downfall! is there really no reason or is my incompetence there for all to see? an age old question asked by many i expect along with – what the hell did i get myself into? my survival technique consists of a solid, if somewhat fake grin and the ability to forget all the bad times when i see that amazing, loveable and infectious smile that makes the world all shiny again.
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@fun mum to glum mum, Jill lovely, you are doing FAB. It is fooking hard work this motherhood business, the fact that you find it hard just means you are very normal!! Thanks so much for commenting and so excited about your blog!! x
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@fun mum to glum mum, Jill lovely, you are doing FAB. It is fooking hard work this motherhood business, the fact that you find it hard just means you are very normal!! Thanks so much for commenting and so excited about your blog!! x
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So that’s where that picture came from? I feel for you – we’ve just entered those whitewaters with little elf, though it was much worse with dudelet (who’s now leaving them). But it does get better!
THe main thing is that you *are* going to shout and overreact ocasionally, or tell him off for the wrong things (pressure valve moments – and you can’t feel guilty about it. You’ll survive. And the lovely moments during this period (we know they’ll be many of them) will be all the sweeter.
Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Visit from younger self
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@Dad Who Writes, Thank you. I haven’t lost it *yet*, but I fear it is inevitable at some point. And you are right – when you get the good days (like today actually) they seem so much more heavenly in comparison.
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@Dad Who Writes, Thank you. I haven’t lost it *yet*, but I fear it is inevitable at some point. And you are right – when you get the good days (like today actually) they seem so much more heavenly in comparison.
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I don’t have much advice to give I’m afraid, I just wanted to let you know that Sam is the same. His tantrums are rivalling anything I’ve seen before. My mum didn’t believe me til she took him out for the day on Saturday and let him walk around the shops. Clothes were flying everywhere, he was pushing people out of his way to get past them, he hit my mum when she tried to get him back in his pram and threw his quiche & salad on the florr (can’t blame him for that really, I would have done in if I’d been bought that instead of a jacket spud). She came home looking knackered! Finally she sees! For weeks she’s been saying ‘Well, I don’t know what YOUR’RE doing, he’s fine for me!’
Sam seems to have uncontrollable urges to climb as high as he can get, grab glasses and throw them on the floor. No breakages/cuts so far but it can only be a matter of time. He also manages to tip the dog’s food bowl over at least 4-5 times a day and if you take that off him, the dog’s water bowl. He’s a bloody nightmare which is why I’ve taken to sitting in his room for 10 minutes at night while he sleeps reminding myself of what a good, quiet boy looks like. When I get my camera lead I’ll get photos for you.
In the words of Michael Jackson (maybe not the best person when talking about kids) ‘You are not alone!’. I feel your pain. xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@Emma @ Not such a yummy mummy, Oh Em! Sunday should be fun huh?! xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
@Emma @ Not such a yummy mummy, Oh Em! Sunday should be fun huh?! xxx
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ah, the demom child-changers…. remember them well. Like the little fairies who come at night and spinkle funny dust around your child so you think you actually have the most humourous child on the planet, the demon child-changers come along and pull the rug from under you, literally! As well as some rather yummy 80% cocoa content fair-traded chocolate, and a rather dashing glass of pinot, I offer this from somoone who has lived through – and survived (although not necessarily realising it at the time) – two 16 months olds…… it will get better. Promise.
Mummy Mania´s last blog ..Those shoes
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We have just emerged out of the whiney pre-crawling phase and entered the all’s hunky dory period. And now you are telling me it doesn’t last? Boo-hoo!
I reckon the second cuppa you’ve made the other day was for me – here’s the cake!
Metropolitan Mum´s last blog ..Malnourished Monday #3
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I think they could make quite a team our boys. Can’t wait to see you xx
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@Josie, Oh. and I need a photo of the hat please!
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Josie Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@Josie, Oh. and I need a photo of the hat please!
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