So…emm… what am I supposed to be doing again?

It’s confession time here at SIFTW. Because I have a guilty secret to share…

I am a rubbish stay-at-home-mum.

This is not me saying that I’m a dreadful mother or anything (well, not VERY dreadful), it’s just that I don’t think this whole SAHM thing particularly suits me. Turns out I’m really not very good at it.

I was ok when Kai was tiny – being a mum then was mostly about keeping him alive and preventing him from drowning in the accumulated pile of his own vomit and poo. Simples. You put milk and food in one end, you clean up the other end, you sing lots of silly songs and pull funny faces and spend long hours just cuddling and cooing gobbledegook at each other. It was exhausting, but there was only a limited amount of potential for screwing up. It was kinda dull but it was a simpler, less complicated time.

These days? Man alive, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Because these days I have a little person to look after. Who toddles and climbs and chatters earnestly and nonsensically during every waking moment. Who loves Matchbox cars and Thomas the Tank Engine (possibly more than he loves me), and does NOT like broccoli or soup or being asked to do something he doesn’t want to do.

This is a little person that copies, that is learning and changing at a rate of knots, and that has potential bursting out of orifice.

It is exciting and interesting and Kai seems to get more and more fricking adorable by the hour. But it scares the crap out of me.

Suddenly the potential for screwing up now seems lots, lots bigger. I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to DO with this little fierce ball of independent motion.

Am I supposed to be teaching him stuff??

Because here’s the other half of the confession and reason I’m a rubbish SAHM…

I’m not very good at playing.

I’m VERY good a cuddling, and tipping upside down, and playing hide-and-seek, and making Kai laugh until he cries and doing stories with silly voices, and helping him to get covered in food, and romping about in the sunshine, and eating cake together.

I am RUBBISH at structured play.

And the worst thing?

It bores me. Dreadfully.

I thought I would be great at playing. That I would have infinite energy AND WILLINGNESS to invest in making up exciting and educational games for Kai to partake in. But after 10 minutes of block building and car racing and colouring in I’m getting antsy. My lack of enthusiasm after a while must show as Kai usually quickly shuns me and my attention in favour of independent play, embarking on his complicated games of hiding cars under the sofa or trying to post things through the letter box. And I, relived, skulk off back to whatever project I have waiting for me and that I am currently obsessing over.

I do DO stuff with him. We go to at least one playgroup a week, meet up with friends, take lots of walks and trips to the park. We go to the Library (toy and regular) and the sensory room, and sometimes swimming if I can summon up the energy.

But at home? At home I suck.

And it worries me. Should I be doing more? Kai doesn’t know his colours and seems to think all animals go “mooo” or “woof” regardless of what they are. He gets confused between his knees and ears (although gets ‘willy’ right every time – go figure). He barely says any proper words at all.

I worry that that his education now in this kind of thing is down to me and that I am failing him. I feel like I should be taking more responsibility for his learning. I wonder whether he’d be better off at nursery but then hate the thought of it as I would miss him dreadfully.

Mostly I worry that I should WANT to do more ’stuff’ with him, that I should be motivated and inspired to fill his days with learning and creativity and variation. That I should go to bed full of plans for what ‘enrichment activities’ I might do with Kai tomorrow and NOT my next writing project. That this SHOULD be enough for me.

The fact that it isn’t worries me most of all.

It is official. I am a SHIT stay-at-home-mum.

—————————————————————————

Amendment:

I have loved the comments on this post. Especially as they come from some of the mum’s I have THE most respect for. You tell me that I’m doing fine and I believe you. Thank you.

So I take it back. I am not shit. Because turns out I am just like you and I think you are AWESOME. So I guess that makes me? Well, not shit anyway.

Thanks. Thanks again. And thanks some more.

Is it stupid that I genuinely feel a huge deal better? Cause I really, really do.

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Motherhood and Anarchy

A really interesting post and comments. I very much agree with what Brit in Bosnia said about children being over stimulated and needing to learn to entertain themselves. I too feel very guilty about finding playing with younger children boring, but for me, there really is only so long I can put brick into a box without going mad. It does get more fun when they can do puzzles etc. I think it's hardest when you just have one as they look to you to play. These days we are all so hard on ourselves, constantly questioning what we do. I once read a great phrase about "mothering by being there" - ie, you are a presence but not controlling everything they do/play with. I like that idea.
.-= Motherhood and Anarchy´s last blog ..Book Club – Review of The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and reflections on war. =-.

Michael

My little ones are at the not-so-little ages of 10 and 7 now. Structured play was minimal to non-existent in our household when they were toddlers and they both turned out to be very intelligent, perceptive, talented and thoughtful kids. I hope they go on to be those kind of adults too. So never mind the bollocks!
.-= Michael´s last blog ..Creative Process (2) =-.

Ellen

Hi Josie

I know exactly how you feel, I feel awful about taking Ben out of nursery and leaving his development at the mercy of whether or not I can be bothered, each day! You are doing really well getting out to toddler groups etc... (I don't manage every week) and Kai is still young to know every part of his body and the animal kingdom.

I've been feeling so down and rubbishy this week (I think its a combination of potty training blues and the kids being horrors at night) that I've started to wonder if I've made a big mistake staying at home - I worry that my blues will bring everyone down with me and that they'd be better with people paid to pretend to enjoy pushing cars around.

I think it sounds like you are doing a fab job and from the look of it every Mum finds it a tedious job sometimes and we all worry that we aren't good enough for our kids. Kudos coming your way for having the balls to admit it, and a big hug to make it feel a better. x
.-= Ellen´s last blog ..The not so sweet smell of sucess =-.

Josie

@Ellen, I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbishy this week :( More treats for you are needed, and patience with yourself. We're both doing great ok?! We just need to keep remembering that. Hope you feel better xxxx

Mwa

So many comments, and nearly one in the morning. So sorry if I duplicate.

You are fine. And structured play is completely unnecessary. As long as you interact with each other, and do things together, he will be fine. I think in fact that it's unnatural to have all this structured play with an adult. If it doesn't feel right, there's probably some evolutionary reason.

I have to admit to thinking all these things when my son was little, and I just felt guilty, because I couldn't make myself convincingly pretend to like all the mindnumbingly boring stuff I tried to do.

Now I've relaxed. I laugh with my kids, tell stories, sing songs, we play games that I like together and we will build Duplo castles or something. I will even help dress a dolly. But real kid-type play? They're on their own. As long as you provide plenty of opportunity for Kai to play with other kids (as I'm sure you do), you're doing just fine. That's why I love the creche and school.

Also, I find the most valuable learning experiences for kids are real-life situations. We go to the shop and name everything we see. She gets to put "two" of something in the basket. We see other people and discuss what they are doing. Or I'm cleaning and she has a rag and a kiddy hoover. You get the picture.

You're fine. Don't try to do what you're bad at all the time. Just do what you love and are good at. I'm sure you'll end up teaching him plenty.

Oh, and while I'm hijacking your blog anyway, I just read that structured learning before about age six is not only unnecessary, it may actually do more harm than good. Just trust Kai's learning instincts. He will get there his own way, whatever you do.

xxxx
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..The question: changed, manic or abducted by aliens? =-.

Amber

You know what? I take every little bit of independent play that my kids will give me. It's actually very enriching for them to go and do their own thing, in their own way. They don't really need us to give them structure to their play, or make sure they're reaching their optimal potential, or anything. They can mostly figure it out for themselves.

You can love your kids to bits, but honestly their games are just not that interesting. And with good reason - we've been there and done that decades ago. We've made all the block towers we need to make, you know? It's good to try to engage with Kai on his level, but don't beat yourself up if it's not super interesting and fun for you.

I think it's great that you have other interests. I think it's great for Kai to know that you have other interests. These little ones don't need to be the complete centre of our universe at all times. As long as they are just often enough, they'll be just fine.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Self-Promotion Is No Fun =-.

Muddling Along Mummy

Dear goodness you are not a shit stay at home mum - from my experience it is the hardest job in the world; isolating, difficult, guilt ridden and just darn hard

Keeping a toddler occupied and interested is beyond difficult - you are doing the best that you can and as a Mummy that is just all you can do

Oh and giving them space to explore and develop on their own is a great gift - better that than being one of those horrid helicopter mums who interfere continually in their child's life
.-= Muddling Along Mummy´s last blog ..I'm going to be a breast milk donor !!! =-.

Linda

You do far more than my mum ever did and like most daughters, I love my mum unconditionally. I'm glad you feel cheered by the comments, you can only be you. That will always be good enough. My experience, as a mum of twins was that less playing and more running around was called for. Good luck and stop putting yourself down. Good day. x

Solveig

Wow, you have said just the things I worry about. I work part time, but on the days I'm home with the kids I forever worry I'm not doing enough with them and that I selfishly want to read my magazine, clean the kitchen, check my email, drink my tea, do the laundry, instead of play with the kids.

Like you, I do stuff - go to the park, library, meet friends, do a few crafty things. But when we are at home I always feel I should be doing more. I often feel that I expect them to entertain themselves too much.

But, to be honest, I don't remember my mum spending hours and hours playing with me. It's probably a good thing for kids to learn to entertain themselves and not rely on their parents to provide the entertainment for them...something like that anyway!!!

Kelly_A place of my own

Have loved reading this post and the comments, I am sure these will make me feel better when Piran is a bit older!

Award for you at mine x
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Look out! Chickens! =-.

Leah Mason

I meant to add shit before SAHM's sorry!!!

Leah Mason

Do you know what.... None of you are SAHM's
You do the best you can and normally that i way more than enough, stop beating yourselves up.. the super mum conspiracy is a fantasy designed to make us all feel bad and that we are not quite doing enough.... but you are, all they need is food, clothes, a roof over their heads and the odd cuddle... all the other stuff is a bonus.....

Dotty

You have no idea how much I love you. I want to hug you. I want to live next door to you. I want to have what we laughably think of as intelligent arguments about something other than where the aisles are in Asda.
You have written what I only dared to confess to Mr on 15 September 2009 (my birthday and he got me drunk). I wasa *good* at my job - I'm crap at this.
I still think we (ALL of us) are doing the best thing :-)
with much love and a heap of respect
Dotty xxx

queeneileen

All of the above and then some. SAHM is the hardest thing ever. Harder than work. When W was the same age as K, I used to skip merrily off to work (it was a break!) so kudos to yudos for being a SAHM.
Let him entertain himself - so long as the room is safe and not dangerous, you're on a winner. Or teach him snap. Or poker.

Victoria

I agree with the others. Playing with toddlers IS boring, it's also boring sometimes as they get older. Ben 10 Top Trumps anyone? Doesn't make you a bad Mum. Playgroup, park, library, they're all great things to do together. I do cooking with them, because I like it myself, I read with them, also because I like it myself.

They need to learn to entertain themselves. I have a friend who's always played with her only daughter extensively. Daughter is now 7 and still needs a playmate, doesn't like doing things by herself.

I've always called it benign neglect. I play with my children a bit, but I also expect them to get on with it by themselves. My eldest has the most incredible imagination. And it's not just me being a proud parent, her teachers always comment on it. I'm sure it's to do with making up her own games and I feel like it's something I've done really right (unlike most of the things I feel like I've done wrong). It's a gift that will hopefully stand her in good stead. Personally, I'd far rather they were able to turn a bunk bed into a pirate ship than most other things.

And as for 'teaching' them their colours, numbers etc, I can tell you that after 3 children, the effort you put into these things in no way reflect the outcome. I spent ages trying to teach the eldest colours etc and she learnt them at exactly the same age as the middle one, who I didn't bother teaching them to....
.-= Victoria´s last blog ..A quarter of sherbet lemons =-.

Nicola

I agree with Theresa. And I feel I have been lucky - because so many of my fantastic mum friends have always been totally honest in admitting that they too are beyond crap at 'structured play'. Or any type of play. I rarely muster the energy or incliniation to do crafts. You can forget baking. Once in a blue moon I might fake the enthusiasm to build a fort. But mainly I try to get the little monkeys out of the house so they can run amok and I can sit and watch.

I have to say - I used to feel guilty about it. I mean, being a SAHM was my new profession. yet it didn't inspire me to step up to the plate and actually BE the mother that I always dreamed i would be. But it is so much easier now. The boys are at an age where they really do entertain each other and they play games for hours on end "which are not for girls, mum". And if I ever do grant them the honour of my participation for 10 mins or so, oh my goodness, they are so bloody thrilled that I have taken the time to sit on the floor with them and pretend to be involved, that it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I am not doing such a bad job after all.

Keep it up Josie. It is a hard stage you are going through. But you're doing great. And if you're shit....well, then I guess that classifies most of us as shit. And we're not. We're just not toddlers any more and have just outgrown toddler play, that's all.

Theresa

I feel so happy when I hear other mum's confess to this: I am so with you!
.-= Theresa´s last blog ..Any Old Iron =-.

Weston-super-Mum

This is the very reason that My Girl and I spend so much time out the house (often up the woods). At home, I get the paints, glue, pens and paper out and pretty much leave her to her it, passing a cursory glance over to make sure she's not decorating the flat instead.

I make her an indoors den and persuade her to have a tea party for her toys. Sometimes I borrow another child from a neighbour and I'm also aware that I may have actually encouraged Hilary, her invisible friend - at least that way she leaves ME alone.

And then there is the wonderful CBeebies, my saviour.

We're all shit SAHMs then but we're great mothers too x
.-= Weston-super-Mum´s last blog ..Toilet Humour? =-.

Spiragirl

I am a shit mum too then. Playing kids games is dull, dull, dull. My eldest (7 1/2) is becoming more fun and we can play cards and boards games and stuff. Kids learn everything, you will be amazed what they pick up through doing normal day to day stuff.

Even at preschool, free play is the focus of most of the time without all that much teacher directed learning.
.-= Spiragirl´s last blog ..Family SEAL =-.

Andrea

I am soooooo glad you have written this post. I am EXACTLY the same! I can walk, go play in the park, read books, visit friends, go for coffee....but at home. Pah! I try really hard to do colouring and playing but I'm rubbish! Well done you for writing such an honest blog!

TheMadHouse

You know what, when my boys were Kai's age I found it hard too and in order to keep my sanity, I went out and had a planned activity each day with them

Toddlers (great coffee)
Swimming, they slept really well after
Music and Movement
More toddlers
Library
Play date thing

It does get easy and more fun I think as they get older and you can do things together. A big plus for me was giving the boys a mini cleaning kit and getting them to follow me and do as I do. when I baked I would sit them in high chairs with a rooling pin and some dough and let them do, I always let them in the cubord containing pans and would give them a wooden spoon too!

They have a mini ironing board and a pram too, they learn by copying and watching. We have never had structured play at all.

It always amazes me when people ask if I taught the boys their numbers and things, no way. I just have fun with them.

Try to enjoy being with Kai, time goes far too fast, just cherish the moment now!
.-= TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Cooking with Children - Tarka Dal and Naan Bread =-.

Heather

10 minutes! Its much more than I manage.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..On Stupid Things I've Done =-.

Tasha (Coding Mamma)

That's why Rosemary started nursery school at 2 years 3 months - and because she was so ready for it! I'm rubbish at most structured play, too. Looking forward to the board game phase. The good thing is, though, free play is really important, as is independent paly. As long as you do some things together - cuddles, stories, going to the park, etc - Kai will be absolutely fine.
.-= Tasha (Coding Mamma)´s last blog ..A morning off =-.

Brit In Bosnia

Sounds like you do loads.

I have a theory that lots of children are over stimulated today anyway; too much time doing structured play with adults and not enough time developing their own abilities to create their own worlds and games. Children need to be bored sometimes as they need to learn how they can entertain themselves and develop their own imaginations.

Read The Idle Parent for support for what you are doing.

ps - play at this age IS boring. Bring on the time that they can play cards is what I say.

Erica

Oh...and the older they get the easier it gets because they can play more interesting games which can at least engage you slightly...kerplunk anyone :)

Erica

Kids games are pretty dull, it's all about repetition which is tedious.

I try to do a bit of craft with Erin, a bit of tickly messing about, a bit of reading, and if I can be bothered I try to let her help with cleaning and the occasionally cooking/baking session. I almost *never* play games with her unless they interest me too, we both just end up irritated, her because I don't get it, and me because I'm bored shitless.

Maternal Tales

Ok, so I'm just going to cut and paste exactly what you've written above so it looks as though I've taken time to write a huge long reply!! No, but really, there's a reason for this. So you write...

"I’m VERY good a cuddling, and tipping upside down, and playing hide-and-seek, and making Kai laugh until he cries and doing stories with silly voices, and helping him to get covered in food, and romping about in the sunshine, and eating cake together."

And I say - HELLO??? That is more than enough. In fact, that is perfect. That is all you need to do. (And probably far, far more than most SAHMs anyway). At this very moment Edie is watching Peppa Pig and munching on sweeties whilst I type this comment...structured play?? Er, not today thanks, we're at home cuddling on the sofa... Oh, and Edie is still crap at her colours and she's 3!! AND, one more thing - when I first sent her to do a morning at nursery (which incidentally was at 10 months and she totally loved it - I'd recommend it definitely) - the nursery teacher said to me 'she really likes messy play doesn't she?' 'Messy play?' I thought - 'I have absolutely no idea because we certainly don't do messy play at home - now that's what I send her to nursery for'!!

Anyway, long comment after all. But honey, don't worry. Mothers come in all shapes and sizes with all sorts of different talents. In my book, as long as you love your child then that's good enough.
.-= Maternal Tales´s last blog ..Happy Birthday my darling girl =-.

Sharni

What you are feeling i imagine is common! I feel it too!!! I think there is too much pressure and books and what we 'should be doing' ahhhhhhhhhhh your post reflected my thoughts exactly but at the same time I think MEH - mama how you want, if stuff bores you it bores you doesnt make you a shit stay at home Mum - AT ALL!
.-= Sharni´s last blog ..I nailed it! =-.

Slugs on the Refrigerator

Josie-
sit down and grab yourself a cuppa and I will let you in on a little secret...

In my personal view, kids do not need to be entertained all the time, in fact they should not be. I don't know where on earth society came up with the stupid idea that SAHM need to educationally stimulate their kids all the time (though my bet would be on Toys R Us). For the vast majority of human history, kids were just along for the ride. They helped adults do their work or played happily alongside. Kids these days (and parents) have much too high expectations about cramming all this learning and activity into a day, when in fact children's job is just to play.

As for learning, children will learn what they need to learn when they need to learn it. Ellis is a year older than Kai and does not know his colours, but can empty everything off my desk chair, drag it into his bedroom, climb on the chest of drawers, an empty an entire jar of fish food flake by flake into the vents at the top of the fishtank lid whilst I am downstairs. Yes, he will probably be a high school drop out drug dealer, but that was in his genes from my mom's side of the family and has nothing to do with my parenting skills.

I can recommend the book the Idle Parent as a bible for this type of parenting...

Kathryn

This is the very reason I go out to work! You are a fantastic SAHM; I honestly believe it's the hardest job in the world and I will freely admit that I gave up after six months! I refer you back to my other post ... if you're happy, and he's happy, for at least the majority of the time, then you're doing a great job xxx
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..A lot of hot air =-.

Kath@Parklover

Er...sounds totally normal to me, unless I'm a shit SAHM! Sounds like you do loads with Kai and he enjoys it. I'm obviously biased and think that trips to the park are the best activity ever! I think it's a good thing for toddlers to be able to amuse themselves with their toys for a while and not be totally dependent on an adult to play with.
And as for knees and ears, well, I know plenty of adults that still get their arse and elbow mixed up....
.-= Kath@Parklover´s last blog ..Withy Grove Park, Bamber Bridge =-.

Emma @ Not such a yummy mummy

Did you climb into my head to get the post? Not about the SAHM obviously but about the play? I struggle to play with Sam in any kind of structured way. We get on the floor, build towers, crayon (usually all over my essays, he doesn't like blank paper), do jigsaws & read books. We play hide and seek and then I'm stuck. I don't what to do either? How do I teach him things? Am I supposed to be following some sort of curriculum? Is there one for 16 month old babies?
I get monthly updates from various websites saying things like 'Your baby should now be speaking at least 5 words and can identify his nose/ears/eyes'. Erm, no he can't. He shouts Emmaaaaa a lot, hiya all the live long day & thats it. His party trick is putting my make up and perfume on. I don't think that would go down well at nursery. Or my MILs.
I think this could be the transition phase for our boys. One website did say they should be playing independantly a lot now as it helps them in some way (was bit too busy to read it!). Thank god I say as I find myself sat reading/studying as Sam runs around with his cars. Soon it'll be easier to play with them as they'll be doing more things but right now I find it hard. The baby bit was easy (looking back), the 2+ years will be hard but we'll be able to communicate better and play in different ways. We just have to tough out this middle bit.
Not sure if that makes any sense! What I'm trying to say is that it's not just you. You're not a shit SAHM. You're fantastic and doing your very best for your lovely little boy. If you do find out 'what to do' please let me know! xxx