About me Tough Times Writing Writing Workshop: a lot of very hard work About me chronic fatigue exhaustion fatigue fibromyalgia gentle exercise gradual exercise programme journey more pain pain recovery relapse remission Tough Times walking wedding day wedding photos wheelchair Writing Writing Workshop Writing Workshop Link-up yoga
by Josie
56 comments
Writing Workshop – Just how far I’ve come
Welcome back to the Wednesday Writing Workshop link-up! At the bottom of this post you’ll find the widget to post the link to your workshop posts – there’s been some absolutely AMAZING ones trickling in already, it’s going to be a great week I think! But first, I guess it’s my turn. I’m very behind as I spent all of last night doing something exciting for the Great Toy Guide (more about that later) so am going to have to pull something extraordinary out of my tired ass that doesn’t require much effort. Hmm… I think prompt #5 needs a follow-up…
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Well, since I don’t have that much time this morning, how about I show you exactly why I’m so scared of relapsing and getting very ill again. The good news is I very much doubt that I am – it’s looking like a brief bout of anaemia after all. But I need you to understand why I panicked a bit last week. Now, I struggled to find photos of myself from that time – I had a tendency to be the one behind the camera and destroyed many of the few snapshots that people took of me: I couldn’t bare to look at them because I hated what I saw so much.
This is me six years ago in 2003 in the horrible contraption that was my cage for so long:
I am leaning in the picture because I am to tired to sit upright and I am in the bloody thing because walking feels like have hot pins stabbed repeatedly in all my muscles. I’m dosed up to my eyeballs with strong pain medication and nerve-numbing drugs. Not fun. I look like shit don’t I?
Here I am a year later in 2004:
Aside from the fact that Ant looks so young and cute (aww!), look at the size of me?! I was HUGE. Not being able to move meant my metabolism slowed WAY down and I shot up to a size 18. Considering I’d always been a 10/12 this was BIG for me. And not good, voluptuous, curvy, sexy big. Just puffy and bloated. I have never felt so disgusting and useless in my entire life – there were a few photos that I just couldn’t bare to show. At least I look smiley in this one (and Ant!! the cuteness!!!).
I spent the next few years working my (large) ass off getting better. I started a VERY gentle but persistent exercise programme to try and get my body moving and get out of the awful cycle of Fibromyalgia that is pain=immobility=more pain because of immobility=even harder to move. I would start by walking to the end of my road and back with the help of a walking stick. That’s about 20 metres. Each day/week I would gradually increase the distance by a couple of feet. I’d get to THAT lamp post, then THAT fence, then THAT bollard. Some days I would push myself too far and end up in bed for the next three days and I’d have to reign back and start again. But I was getting there, agonisingly and frustratingly slowly, but I was. When I race off to playgroup these days I always pass these little markers and remember what a massive force of will it took to get me there and back. Such tiny distances – even Kai could walk further these days!
Coupled with all of this I learnt breathing techniques to cope with the pain, I meditated, practised positive thinking and affirmations. I WOULD BE WELL. One day I made it as far as the little park round the corner and spent half an hour swinging high on the swing and crying because I finally felt like I was getting my freedom back.
Pretty soon I was able to walk as far as the nearby Esporta Gym which is about a five minute walk away. It was a huge break through. My family paid for me to join as a member and every other day, or there abouts, I would go and swim in the warm pool. I started a yoga class there twice a week which was probably the most influential aspect of my recovery of all. My muscles began to unknot, my mind unwound, I was still getting a lot of pain and relied on the support of a walking stick but I was moving through the pain, pacing my activity, able to do more and more. I was getting better.
The last time I used my wheelchair was in the Autumn of 2005 and I walked with a stick for another few months but not for long. By the New Year of 2006 it was obvious that I was on the mend. Photos from that year are amazing, every month I look more alive . Ant and I got engaged and started planning our wedding, finally confident that I would be able to walk down the aisle and dance our first dance – the image of which had often used as the one thing to keep me motivated and strong. I learnt to drive and in the September, I started back at work. I had a life again!
By the following Spring, on 26th May 2007, I got my dream:
I have never felt more alive, more vivid, more ME. At last. At long last.
I had done it!
Within four months I was pregnant with Kai. And the rest, well, you know the rest. My life is finally going in the direction that I want it to. I can run around with my beautiful boy; I’m writing and LOVING it and where it is taking me; I am married to the man that was my sole reason for surviving and persevering and who is the bone fide love of my life.
THAT is why I don’t ever want to get sick again, why it is my deepest, darkest fear.
I have come so far. And I’m not ever going back.
Not ever.
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So now it’s your turn! What prompt did you choose?
1.Write about what you hope for ‘one day’
- As inspired by Not Such a Yummy Mummy’s beautiful post last week.
2. Imagine a familiar household object is self-aware and concious. What is it thinking? What would it say?
- A very excellent suggestion by Eileen at Stuff and Things.
3. What would you like to see in your ideal hospital? I’d have Johnny Depp as my personal nurse, that’s just for starters…
- Inspired by the wonderful Troutie’s post about a trip to the hospital this week
4. You’re packing your bags and going off on an adventure with your children. Where are you going? How are you getting there? What would you pack, but more importantly, what would your children pack?
- Inspired my one of my favourite blog posts this week by Rosie Scribble who took her daughter off in search of some excitement.
5. Write about a deep and dark fear.
- Inspired by…ME! And all my worrying last week.
Leave your name and the URL to your post in the MckLinky below (the URL should be to your post not just to your blog) andleave me a comment to let me know you’ve taken part. If you have the time it would be great if you could try and read and comment on at least two other entries. And be kind! It’s supposed to be a bit of fun – we’re not looking for the next Booker Prize winner here!
If you haven’t had chance to respond yet, then you’ve still got today! Or just wait till next week, when there’ll be five brand new prompts to get you thinking.
This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.
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You know what, you have come a long way, but you were beautiful in all the picures and the chair didnt detract from that. I am so pleased that it is prob just animia
TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Writing Workshop on a Wednesday 
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@TheMadHouse, Aww thank you. I probably didn’t look that much different. I just FELT different x
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That post is amazing and inspiring, and in truth, makes me feel rather silly for mine!
Theresa´s last blog ..Any Old Iron
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Wow, what an inspirational post. You look absolutley stunning in your wedding photo and so happy.
You should be very proud of how far you have come and what you have achieved.
No wonder last week was so scary, Im pleased you had the courage to face your fear and get to the doctors.
Hopefully a few iron tablets will have you back to your best.
Thanks you for sharing your story =
snaffles mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Secret Christmas Ornament Swap
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@snaffles mummy, Thank you lovely. It was the happiest day of my life, really and truly. A dream come true x
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@snaffles mummy, Thank you lovely. It was the happiest day of my life, really and truly. A dream come true x
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An inspiring post and lovely pictures from your wedding, in particular. You’re brave and strong…keep up the positive mental attitude and keep relying on us for encouragement! Thanks for coming back to us…we missed you!
My 2 links are on…I’m LOVING this challenge.
Karin
Karin @ Cafe Bebe´s last blog ..Big Adventures for Little Miss
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Karin @ Cafe Bebe, So glad you’re enjoying it – just read your laptop post. BRILLIANT!! x
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Karin @ Cafe Bebe, So glad you’re enjoying it – just read your laptop post. BRILLIANT!! x
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Beautiful and inspiring post. Your wedding day looked amazing and I can understand why the thought of that helped you through some of the bad times. I can also understand why you were scared you were slipping back. I am so inspired by your determination.
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You look amazing in your wedding photos, so carefree and happy. It must’ve been incredibly special after all you’d been through. You’re a stronger person for it, I’m sure.
I am honoured to take part in your workshop for the first time this week and have included my link below. You’re an inspiration not only in life but in challenging my writing and I thank you for that. You are about a thousand layers of Awesome. xx
Noble Savage´s last blog ..Writing Workshop: All I Want For Christmas
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Noble Savage, Thank you so much. I AM stronger for it, infinitely more so. Which is why, even if I did get sick again, it wouldn’t be the same and I would get through it.
So loved your workshop post – thanks so much for taking part xxxx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@Noble Savage, Thank you so much. I AM stronger for it, infinitely more so. Which is why, even if I did get sick again, it wouldn’t be the same and I would get through it.
So loved your workshop post – thanks so much for taking part xxxx
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My brilliant, brave, beautiful friend, you have come so far, and I am so proud of you. Your wedding day was such a wonderful celebration. Looking at the photographs, I hardly recognise the girl in the wheelchair. But then, oddly enough, I don’t think I ever saw the ‘disability’; you never really changed, you still carried on making plans, making lists, making things happen.
I loved watching Lucy and Kai racing around Costa together yesterday (to the horror of all of the other customers, but much to our delight!!).
There is so much more to come!! XXX
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@Marianne, Lucy & Izzy, Thank you so much DR Corrigan (hee hee – SO proud of you!!!!!)
I love how the babies are making friends with each other so well. I keep thinking about them all playing so beautifully together – really special.
Can’t wait for the next couple of years!! WE ROCK!!!
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@Marianne, Lucy & Izzy, Thank you so much DR Corrigan (hee hee – SO proud of you!!!!!)
I love how the babies are making friends with each other so well. I keep thinking about them all playing so beautifully together – really special.
Can’t wait for the next couple of years!! WE ROCK!!!
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Oh Josie, what an amazing post, I could barely see the pictures at the bottom through the tears. You strength and determination just blew me away.
You are an inspiration to all of us. Thanks to this workshop I am writing things I would never have written before and today I signed up for a creative writing workshop in December. Thank you.
Kelly´s last blog ..My greatest fear
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You have an inate ability to make me cry! You really are an inspiration. What you’ve achieved in the last few years in incredible. I can understand why it would be your biggest fear to relapse. xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Emma @ Not such a yummy mummy, Excuse me, Mrs Inspiration personified. You have your own rather amazing story of transformation! Can’t wait to see you (I promise I won’t make you cry then) xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Emma @ Not such a yummy mummy, Excuse me, Mrs Inspiration personified. You have your own rather amazing story of transformation! Can’t wait to see you (I promise I won’t make you cry then) xxx
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Wow, what an inspiration you are. Your courage, bravery and determination are to be marvel at.
What a great post. xx
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What an amazing story x
New Mummy´s last blog ..Shopping Trip
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An inspiring story. Thanks for sharing.
turtleturtleturtle´s last blog ..Someday I’ll be big, and then I’ll be a ….
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I love your wedding pictures! And what a beautiful post. Truly inspiring. It would make anyone grateful for all these things we all take for granted. Thank you. xxx
Mwa´s last blog ..My library – Part II
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Wow.
You, my lovely, are an inspiration.
And your wedding pictures are gorgeous. xx
little dudes mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
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Goodness me that is a huge change. you must have one heck of a determination. the wedding pictures look gorgeous. a very inspiring post.
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Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by porridgebrain: Writing workshop link-up is up! Want to see why I got so scared last week? Because THIS is how far I’ve come: http://bit.ly/2o3h9L...
You always inspire me and even though I barely know you I am proud of you.
x
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..We survived…..
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@Insomniac Mummy, Oh that is lovely! Thank you so much xx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
@Insomniac Mummy, Oh that is lovely! Thank you so much xx
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You have come SO far through your own strength and determination. You’ll never go right back to where you started because you know you have the strength of mind to conquer what life throws at you.
I’m loving your writing workshop too, and it’s really made me think about how I write. Most of my posts are more creative now. I’m rediscovering a childhood passion for writing because of my blog and your challenges so thank you. Who knows where it will lead?
Victoria´s last blog ..A quarter of sherbet lemons
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My word, you have come so very very far. You should be so terribly proud of yourself and your achievements.
e, xx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
@queeneileen, Thank you. I sometimes forget what a long way I’ve come – have to keep reminding myself to give myself a break and that I’ve done ok! xx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
@queeneileen, Thank you. I sometimes forget what a long way I’ve come – have to keep reminding myself to give myself a break and that I’ve done ok! xx
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That’s some journey and want a transformation those photos show from wheelchair to wedding day! You’re clearly a tough cookie to through all that. Writing workshop good as ever, I’ll try and join in one of these days.
Emily O´s last blog ..‘That Woman’ and awards: 10 things you don’t know about me
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xx
I am speechless. You have come a long long way and I admire you for your strength and determination. Keep up the good work. And don’t worry, you’ll be alright, fingers crossed!
xx MM
Metropolitan Mum´s last blog ..Wiki Digital Camera – review & give away
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@Metropolitan Mum, I WILL be alright! FACT! Thanks 
x
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@Metropolitan Mum, I WILL be alright! FACT! Thanks x
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What an amazing journey. So inspiring and brave. You’re some woman! By the way, is that your Dad i.e. the ‘Dad’ comment about – so sweet!
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@Hot Cross Mum, It is indeed my dad He is the best. x
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@Hot Cross Mum, It is indeed my dad He is the best. x
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Wow Josie i had no idea of the troubles you have been through! You are an inspiration to us all to keep going and fight on.
And you look fabulous in your wedding photo! =)
Kelly´s last blog ..Josie’s writing workshop
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what an inspiring story…. you keep us all going so often with our writing, so hopefully knowing there are so many of us out there rooting for you, we can keep you going a little too….
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@Mummy Mania, You DO keep me going. Lots and lots. Thank you x
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@Mummy Mania, You DO keep me going. Lots and lots. Thank you x
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I have both multiple sclerosis and rheumatoid arthritis in my immediate family so I know THAT feeling in the pit of your stomach when a relapse might be rearing its ugly head. Horrible.
I wanted to say thanks for the writing workshop. I’ve had more re-tweets on Twitter for my post today than I’ve had for any other post, ever. Without your prompt I would never have written it.
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@Helen Lindop, yay!! I’m so glad you got lots of re-tweets, and more importantly, were inspired for your post. Though you did all the hard work – thanks so much for taking part xxx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@Helen Lindop, yay!! I’m so glad you got lots of re-tweets, and more importantly, were inspired for your post. Though you did all the hard work – thanks so much for taking part xxx
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I had just about stopped sobbing and then I read your Dad’s comment and I’m struggling to type this.
You are inspirational, not only in your recovery, but also in the way you encourage others.
I’m proud of you too. Is it okay if I give you an enormous hug at the zoo? xxx
SandyCalico´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Children In Need
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
@SandyCalico, Oh Sandy I can’t come!! So disappointed. But hopefully there will be hugging opportunities in the future!!
I’m sorry I made you cry! Do you need a Slanket to wipe your tears with?? Dad’s comment made me cry too though actually so it’s a bit wet…
thanks so much
xxxxxxx
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
@SandyCalico, Oh Sandy I can’t come!! So disappointed. But hopefully there will be hugging opportunities in the future!!
I’m sorry I made you cry! Do you need a Slanket to wipe your tears with?? Dad’s comment made me cry too though actually so it’s a bit wet…
thanks so much
xxxxxxx
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It’s amazing isn’t it – when we meet people (even virtually) we have no idea about what any of them have been through. We see a mother with a child who writes beautifully and then that mother with a child reveals layer upon layer of life and history and experiences and hardship and strength and everything takes on a new meaning. Without sounding too soppy – Josie you are an inspiration. And guess what? I managed to hold it together all the way throught he post only to blub at your Dad’s comment!!! Precious. And have I read Sandy’s comment right? Are you definitely coming to the Zoo? Yay a thousand times over if that’s the case. xxxxxxxx
Maternal Tales´s last blog ..Happy Birthday my darling girl
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
@Maternal Tales, I can’t come!!! *sob* No money and Ant couldn’t get the Monday off work. Absolutely gutted 
There’ll be other times though, right?
And thank you, for your comment. Mean so much xx
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Maternal Tales Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
@Josie,
Oh bum a thousand times over instead
Maternal Tales´s last blog ..Happy Birthday my darling girl
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Maternal Tales Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
@Josie,
Oh bum a thousand times over instead
Maternal Tales´s last blog ..Happy Birthday my darling girl
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Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
@Maternal Tales, I can’t come!!! *sob* No money and Ant couldn’t get the Monday off work. Absolutely gutted
There’ll be other times though, right?
And thank you, for your comment. Mean so much xx
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you’ll never go back hon – you can’t go back – life doesn’t work that way everything in your world has changed wonderfully – thank you for sharing – so so much *hugs many*
april´s last blog ..Christmas comes early and beautifully in sydney
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I think you are pretty amazing. What a journey you have made. You look beautiful and so so happy on your wedding day.
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What a beautiful story, and how stunning you look in your wedding photos.
J.´s last blog ..Magic from my childhood, a tribute to my teachers
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Oh, Josie, you’ve made me cry. This is a fabulous and inspiring story. And I believe you. I believe that you WON’T go back there again. I’m glad that it seems to be only a bit of anemia.
Be well.
Amber´s last blog ..The Saga of the Step Stools
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Josie, just came across this now! What an amazing recovery you made. Wedding pics are fab! D:)
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tara Cain, littlestuff. littlestuff said: RT @tara_cain: Going for a walk in the countryside. I leave you with this amazing inspirational post I missed the first time around: http://bit.ly/98b25S [...]
Josie Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@TheMadHouse, Aww thank you. I probably didn’t look that much different. I just FELT different x
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