Available to Hire « Sleep is for the Weak

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Available to Hire

Description: One very hard working mum. Witty, occasionally delightful, unintimidating given that I look about 14, clean (mostly), polite with a very posh voice that I have no idea where I have picked up from.

Available for: Writing. On anything really. I’m not picky. Although ideally you would pay me to work on my (non-existant yet endlessly potential-filled) novel for a share of the (inevitably) huge profits.

I shall require: A large, airy office with a toaster and kettle, a fridge full of snacks, and a sofa for napping. The atmosphere should oxygen-rich to allow for clear thinking and any guilt/insecurity/general wobbles should be extracted and filtered, bottled and then slipped into the tea of rich and famous people I don’t like. I would have as little contact with human beings as feasibly possible, unless they are extremely interesting and not stupid, ignorant fools. There will be absolutely no team working or silly training days where I am required to go paint-balling or actually talk to people. Turning up to work in Pyjamas would be positively encouraged.

There will need to be fabulous childcare facilities, paid for obviously, which will allow for lots of independent and outdoor play and not mind kids getting messy, being ’spirited’ or getting easily overwhelmed.

Working day: I will be available to work from 8.30am and then require an hour for blog reading/writing (my google reader is into triple figures), then will work until lunch time at which point I will require a catering service to proved me with something delicious. Afternoons will be spent with my boy in the sunshine, having adventures, and finding new and ingenious things to do with cardboard boxes and paint. This shall be deemed ‘research’ and suitably reimbursed.

I will then work an extra two hours at the end of the day while someone cleans my house, prepares tea, and wrangles an over-tired toddler until I am finished.

Salary: Six figures, naturally. Although right now I would settle for enough to give my family a nice Christmas and have a break some where sunny and quiet. Oh and some new boots.

Available to hire immediately.

Don’t all rush at once now…

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Jo Beaufoix

OMG that sounds like heaven. Can I join in with all the other job sharers?? Sighhhhh.
.-= Jo Beaufoix´s last blog ..I Was Going To…But =-.

Kelly_A place of my own

Ah, I see that people have already offered to be your assistant. Can I just sit quietly on the corner of your sofa? I will make the tea when required and I have kitkats.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Nightswimming =-.

Rosie Scribble

I love your request for a catering service, brilliant. Hope you have remembered to schedule time to Tweet!
.-= Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Mistaken for Madeleine =-.

Ellen

Don't forget the tea lady who comes around with freshly made cakes, biccies and tea.
.-= Ellen´s last blog ..First few days in my new job (being a mummy) =-.

Josie

@Ellen, Excellent suggestion. And I would like my tea lady to be Victoria Wood - she could tell me jokes during bun eating sessions.

april

That kind of peace sounds delightful - yet might drive me mad with the ever thought filled head - damn the actress in me that refuses to be alone :)
.-= april´s last blog ..Pick your reality =-.

Josie

@april, Oh I like the thoughts. They keep me company quite adequately. Will forever be in awe of your ability to perform!! In front of PEOPLE!!! EEEP! How on earth do you do that without crying? I would cry...

Michael

You've described the perfect working environment for a writer or artist with kids. Brilliant. I would, naturally, also require an unlimited supply of art materials, a modest home theatre system and a comprehensive catalogue of DVDs and CDs. I work best with a soundtrack.
.-= Michael´s last blog ..Creative Process (1) =-.

Josie

@Michael, I get so easily distracted, I can never have just 'background' music. I either have to be listening to it and giving it my full attention, or have silence. If I write with music on it's like I have two conversations going on at once and get dizzy (and probably fall off my chair...)

april

@Michael, You, boxes and paint and bub 1 - oh i must see this - i'll set it up for next week (laughs evilly)
.-= april´s last blog ..Pick your reality =-.

Amber

If you find such a job, I want to work in the Canadian branch office. And I like having a sushi chef on staff, myself. ;)
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Crafting my Life Manifesto =-.

Josie

@Amber, Do you know what? I have never, ever eaten sushi. I think maybe I should...

hannah

ummm dont forget...
unlimited amounts of cake (or a cake shop next door) xxx

Josie

@hannah, How on earth did I forget the cake?? You and L would have to come eat it with me though xxxx

Catharine Withenay

I want that job! Please?
(Though I think six figures is marketing myself quite cheaply. Who else could procrastinate and drink cups of tea as much as I do?)

Josie

@Catharine Withenay, I think the answer would be me. We could have a procrastination-off (which sounds like some kind of Russian gun) x

Muddling Along Mummy

I'd hire you !
.-= Muddling Along Mummy´s last blog ..Making progress through my to do list ! =-.

Josie

@Muddling Along Mummy, Thank you! I shall expect my employee package, health care benefits and first month's wages in advance shortly then... x

Metropolitan Mum

Can I be your assistant, please?
.-= Metropolitan Mum´s last blog ..Nursery style ideas =-.

Josie

@Metropolitan Mum, You may. As long as you come and decorate my house - just been looking at your new nursery! Gorgeous! x

Mwa

When they phone you (as they inevitably will), will you ask them if they need two like that? I'll just have whatever you're having, thanks.
.-= Mwa´s last blog ..The Sternum Tales - Final Installment & My library - Part I =-.

Josie

@Mwa, Done. I'll ask them to throw in some gay porn for your tea breaks too though... x

mummy mania

this is my job!! it's great. i suppose the only small difference is... the pay. i don't get paid. oh, and the 8.30 start. i write from 5.30 and then do the fu children thing form 7am. but apart from that.... no wait. i have to make my own lunch... and theirs. but then it's pretty similar. oh apart from the bit where i get to read emails, and the part where someone else deals with the pre-meal-time meltdowns. but definitely, apart from those insignificant differences, it's pretty much my job. oh, although i have to clean the house myself.

oh hell, who am i kidding.
enjoy the dream. now, where's that cardboard box and paint set?

Josie

@mummy mania, I'm stuck at the sentence where you get up at 5.30 to write... You have kids that sleep right??!

Kim@EnjoyTheRide

You're a woman after my own heart, for sure.
.-= Kim@EnjoyTheRide´s last blog ..Embarassing Moments =-.

Josie

@Kim@EnjoyTheRide, Thank you Kim. You can come and nap on my sofa and eat my biscuits when ever you like x

Ellie (Insomniac Mummy)

Can we job share?

:D
.-= Ellie (Insomniac Mummy)´s last blog ..Nursery nerves..... =-.

Josie

@Ellie (Insomniac Mummy), Fab idea!

TheMadHouse

Sounds like the perfect job to me. Keep on trying, one day you never know what will be.
.-= TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Madeline McCann Video =-.

Josie

@TheMadHouse, I think this might be a LITTLE wishful thinking but you never know ;)

Dad Who Writes

It's a real bummer that the job of Sting's wife is already taken, isn't it?
.-= Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Andre Norton – Plague Ship, Storm Over Warlock and others =-.