Writing Workshop: Noodle Earth

Welcome back to the Wednesday Writing Workshop link-up! At the bottom of this post you’ll find the widget to post the link to your workshop posts. But first? Well I guess it’s my turn! I’ve chosen prompt #1 – Come up with a brand new conspiracy theory. It was a bit of team effort I have to admit, and all stemmed from a very silly conversation with my hubby and brother over Sunday lunch…

Ever noticed that the Chinese refer to the plural of noodle as noodle, not noodles? Ever wondered why? Well we think it may hint at a deep and dark mystery, a closely guarded secret known for generations only amongst the ancient families and government of China – the secret of Noodle Earth.

NB: Conversation has been embellished, emm, slightly, and changed to make Dave the Master Conspirator (as he deserves) – but it went something like this…

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“So you’re saying there’s just ONE noodle? In the whole world?”, asks Ant confused.

“Yep” says Dave, using the last of the bread to wipe up the remains of the sauce on his plate. “One noodle of which all other noodles are merely clippings. If you microscopically examined all the noodles in the world (with some kind of CSI microscope thingy) you would see that all the ends, do in fact, join up to make one very long noodle”.

We ponder this revelation for a moment.

“So where does this giant noodle originate?” I question, leaning forward, my bacon sandwich forgotten.

“Well China, obviously!” says Dave scornfully pushing his plate away. “Where else would it come from?”

“And they’re, what? Running some giant factory somewhere with a machine that churns out one long noodle and chopping it up?” I clarify.

“Ah”, says Dave, “Well that’s the thing. This noodle isn’t made“.

“Not made?” asks Ant shaking his head confused, “Where does it come from then?”

Dave hesitates, lowering his voice to a dramatic whisper.

“The ground…”

He pauses to let the significance of the statement sink in.

“The ground?” Ant and I look at each other.

“That’s right. From the Noodle Mine”.

“Noodle Mine?”

“The HAUNTED Noodle Mine!!” adds Dave excitedly, eyes wide.

“Oh now your just being silly” I tut, folding my arms crossly.

“Ok. Maybe not that last bit. But I’m serious! The giant noodle? They pull it up from a hole in the ground”.

“And how do you know this?” asks Ant, joining me in my skepticism now.

“An old man in the Chinese takeaway told me”, Dave says, conspiratorially, eyes dark and convincing. “He was wearing a robe. AND… he had a beard. One of those ones that looks like a ponytail, but on your chin”.

We gasp, suitably impressed, images of Mr Miyagi flashing through our minds.

“But that’s not the best bit. I guess you’re wondering where this underground noodle originates?”

We nod, enraptured.

“Well, imagine a giant ball of wool. One end sticking up and being slowly unravelled. The ball? Is the earth… OUR earth. It’s made of noodle. Ancient scrolls suggest it was dropped by The Creator when he was first trying to get the hang of chopsticks…”

“But that means…?” I gasp comprehending.

“Yep. That’s right. The Chinese food industry is slowly unravelling our planet”.

“But why don’t we know any of this? Why haven’t scientists been publishing papers on it and stuff? If the Creationists got hold of this…” Ant muses.

“Well, that’s the thing”, continues Dave. “They haven’t figured it out. Scientists have never managed to get through the crust (which is where it got burnt in a solar flare or something) and China are guarding the secret with everything they have. If the UN cottoned on to the catastrophic damage their doing to our planet in the name of culinary export? Well they’d be screwed. The hammer and sickle on their flag? Actually an ancient holy noodle choppers. Communism was just a front – a way of quoshing civil unrest over the whole Noodle Earth issue. All that Bolshevik “Peace, Bread and Land” crap? It was “Peace, NOODLE, and Land” – Chairman Mao just covered it up.”

“So what happens if too much of the noodle is unravelled?” Ant asks, convinced now.

Dave looks at us both, waiting for our full attention and then slowly opens his hands in front of him, holding an imaginary ball. With a dramatic CLAP! he brings them together suddenly, smooching them around a bit for effect.

“Kablam! Noodle implosion”.

The sound of his hands being brought together echo around the room menacingly, disturbing Kai from his unusually quiet preoccupation with wading through a packet of raisins.

“Ooooh” he coo’s trying to stick a raisin in his dad’s ear.

“Exactly” agrees Dave.

I jump up. Grabbing the chalk from Kai’s easel and start scribbling.

“So it’s something like this?”, drawing what I imagine half the world crumbling due to lack of noodle counterbalance would look like.

“Yeah I guess so. Wow, when you put it like that it is pretty scary”.

“Oh God!” exclaims Ant, lifting Kai from the highchair to crawl happily around our feet, “it all makes sense. Earthquakes, Tsunami’s, avalanches and the rest. It’s not seismic activity, it’s noodle shift!”

“That’s right” agrees Dave “NATURAL noodle shift, but since the Industrial revolution? We’ve been pulling at the noodle faster and faster. It’s creating friction as it pulls, heating up the earth, melting the ice caps. The whole system is under stress.”

“We’re doomed” Dave concludes, shaking his head sadly.

I ponder the news of my imminent demise with an attempted detachment, but my trembling fingers on the chalk betray my true shock and fear.

“What’s in the middle then”, asks Ant, interrupting my reverie.

“What?” asks Dave surprised.

“The middle”, persists Ant, “There has to be something in the middle, of the noodle ball? What’s the other end attached to?”

“Emm”, gulps Dave, thinking quickly. “A erm, a fortune cookie? Yes! A fortune cookie! Obviously! With a fortune in it that reveals the mysteries of the universe”. He sits back, sagely.

We ponder this, searching his eyes for some sign of truth. Some glimmer of humour that might betray his poker face demeanour. We see none. Only steely, serious fervour.

Oh God…

“Suckers“, thinks Dave, using our awed preoccupation to nick my forgotten bacon sandwich from the table in front of him, cutting it in half before eating it quickly. Looking down he sees his nephew peering up at him, one tiny eyebrow raised in a fellow conspiratorial manner.

Dave winks, and hands Kai the rest of the sandwich.

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So now it’s your turn! What prompt did you choose?

1. Come up with a brand new conspiracy theory – Inspired by all the speculation over the NASA’s Moon Crash

2. Share a perfect moment – Inspired by Capital Mom’s beautiful “Moments like this”

3. Imagine an extra room in your house just for you – Inspired by Slugs on the Refrigerator’s “A room of our own”

4. Write a story (real or imagined) using the title, “There’s something funny in the toilet mummy” – Inspired by A Modern Mother’s post of the same name!

5. Write a Housework Haiku, like this one! – Inspired by… me.

Dust disturbed from rest,
Finds new residence elsewhere.
Bane of housewives all.

Leave your name and the URL to your post in the MckLinky below (the URL should be to your post not just to your blog) and leave me a comment to let me know you’ve taken part. If you have the time it would be great if you could try and read and comment on at least two other entries. And be kind! It’s supposed to be a bit of fun – we’re not looking for the next Booker Prize winner here!

If you haven’t had chance to respond yet, then you’ve still got today! Or just wait till next week, when there’ll be five brand new prompts to get you thinking.

This Writing Workshop is brought to you in association with Mama Kat’s Losin’ It – who’s lovely author came up with the concept and runs her own workshop over in the U.S.

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