I haven’t experienced the intensity you speak of but I’d agree with Noble Savage it becomes so much easier, as soon as they have that bit of independency, it becomes so much more enjoyable and a new wave of love comes over you, or it did with me anyway. Lovely post, thanks for sharing.

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A beautiful piece of writing.

The irony is that I wrote my post after we had had (one of our many) challenging days. I wrote it to remind myself of just how much I love my boy, even thought he can throw epic tnatrums, and wallop his sister on the head daily. Because, when all is said and done, in the stark light of day I love him warts and all.

Love grows differently for different people. You don’t need a fairytale, you have something perfect for you.

x
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Five years previously…..

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Insomniac Mummy Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

@Insomniac Mummy,
P.S Your post was so honestly beautiful it made me cry. x
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Five years previously…..

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Insomniac Mummy Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 8:58 pm

PPS I meant your post Josie, not my own. Gah!
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Five years previously…..

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Insomniac Mummy Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 8:58 pm

PPS I meant your post Josie, not my own. Gah!
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Five years previously…..

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Insomniac Mummy Reply:
October 7th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

@Insomniac Mummy,
P.S Your post was so honestly beautiful it made me cry. x
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Five years previously…..

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What a great post, Josie.

I haven’t had the same experience of motherhood as you, but neither did I have the fairytale you describe. I had a very tricky pregnancy for one reason and another and it took me a long, long time to even feel that I loved her.

As she grew into a toddler, we didn’t have conflict – Flea and I are both too laid back for that. But she’s very independent, she’s very open with her opinions, and I definitely feel she’s separate, unknowable – I don’t feel a special, intimate connection with her of the sort Insomniac Mummy describes.

My approach to parenting is (I think) coloured by the fact I was adopted at 10. I often feel I’m making it up as I go along, and trying to create something I personally didn’t experience.

But my adoptive Mum is fab. And here’s what she told me when I confessed I didn’t feel a bond with Flea after the first month: you feel what you feel. You can and should control what you do, but what you feel is just there, and you shouldn’t ever feel bad about it.

She also tells me that love isn’t just quiet moments and cuddles. Love is what you do when the storm is raging, when the world’s collapsing or when someone is challenging everything you say – that’s when you REALLY show your child how much you love them. The other stuff’s just dressing.

And that’s the parenting gospel according to my Mum!

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I almost cried reading that because I can totally identify with you. I always thought I’d be a very natural mother because I wanted it so much. But, no. I call myself the unnatural mother because loving Sam, caring for him, playing with him, having patience with him has all taken time, tears and an awful lot of hard work. Like you, I’d never be without my gorgeous little man but it hasn’t been as easy as I thought.

You (and Ant) have had more to test you than most parents I know, yet you keep going, keep looking out for others & keep making people smile. I think I’d have smothered myself with the famous slanket by now. You are doing a fine job and I’m sure years down the line when you’re a famous writer you’ll look back on this phase and smile. Or grimace. You’re a great mum and Kai is very lucky to have you.

Just think – the next baby will be a doddle!

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You have just written what so so many mums (and dads) feel.
We are always told about this unconditional love you feel and that its always there but its not always as clear to see and feel for all.
You are an amazing mummy to that monkey of yours.
You have had ups and downs and a hell of a lot of “no-sleep” days.
Its hard to see the positive love for our children when we are so wiped out that every minor thing is seen as major. I mean a small scribble one day is a masterpiece yet the next is a full on disaster.

I find it hard to see the positives some days yet I know even when I’m pulling my hair out that they love me for who I am and I love them for who they are – a mini extension of me.

You really are a brilliant mum and you’ve brought into this world a well balanced, funny, cute monster who will delight all around him for the rest of his life.

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As the mother of a 23 year old young man I wish I had been able to read your thoughts when he was a baby. I felt all the same things but guilty too becaue I was impatient and lost my temper and longed for an unbroken night’s sleep (which didn’t happen until he was 12!)
He has challenged and continues to challenge almost everything: restless, impatient, uncompromising but also honourable, loving, funny and a constant joy.
Don’t count on things getting easier – some people just aren’t easy but they certainly make life interesting so just enjoy the ride with all its ups and downs as your baby grows into a man that you can be proud of.
Thank you for your post. You write beautifully and I hope your boy gets to read some of your musings when he’s old enough to appreciate them.

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Beautiful post, all you can do is take each day as it comes, it can’t be sunshine all the way. My memory of the first year or so with twins is pretty much non-existent. Treasure everything. xx

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Ever heard the phrase: ‘it’s hard to love the unloveable’ and never was a phrase more apt than for mothers.
Because you are so aware and open about your feelings speaks volumes to me. It says you are so much more of a mother than you think you are and you and your gorgeous little monster will be just fine.
In fact, I loved this piece so much it’s inspired me add you to my blogroll right now . . .
Tara@Sticky Fingers´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Me

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I admire the way you and Insomniac Mummy both write from the heart. If I try it I either sob or feel the need to throw a weak joke in. A very brave, upfront post and I can identify a lot with what you say. I have two very challenging boys and although they’re wonderful they are very hard work too. My nearly four year old is going through a very difficult patch and has driven me to tears every day for the past week. My 15 month old is full of endless demands and challenges. Together their energy way surpasses mine. I love being their mum, but some days I can’t wait to get them into bed in the evening. I feel bad saying it. I was never prepared for the complexity of emotions motherhood brings and I often feel I’m doing it quite badly. I’m not sure you reach a day when suddenly everything is normal and okay and easy to handle. However, we’ve created these incredible little people and our worlds would be empty without them.
Whistlejacket´s last blog ..Misconceptions I had about parenthood

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I love your honesty Josie – and the way you write. It’s beautiful. What I get from reading this is just how much you love Kai – even though you say it’s not a fairytale. But I think the fact that you love him so so much despite everything he’s thrown at you is far more of a fairytale than loving him because he’s easy. You have nothing to feel bad about. Hang on in there darling – you’re doing a truly amazing job x
Maternal Tales´s last blog ..I feel like sulking

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I can so much relate to what you live… the constant need for attention, the intensity translated in a restless need for stimulation and moving, the inability to calm down and sleep… We have taken him out of certain food and he has calmed down. Eventually, diet or not, they all calm down. I’ve seen some kid who were walking upside down, screaming their head off, turning into super mellow teen!

My wife and I have often felt inadequate. Because he (it) was wild. You can love whole-heartedly, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. so true. I often think though that my connection with him is beyond anything, because it has been so intense.

You know it’s okay to feel inadequate and even to be upset about your son. No one will fill your shoes. and no one can really know what you go through (fairy tale or not). And no one could do your job better than you do. So, it’s really okay to have negative feelings. You know & we know you love your son. It’s an amazing & deeply human journey. You are becoming more beautiful everyday as you grow and walk the path of raising your son into the light.

You can tell by reading your blog that you love your son. Don’t worry. After all that is all he needs. It is the foundation for a healthy life. My dear, loving your son is the thing for sure no one need to explain to you how to do. I’m convinced you love him plenty. Congratulation! You earned your mommy wings. You are a fully accomplished war mom hero

Hugs,

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I don’t think anything can prepare you properly for parenthood. It’s an experience like no other. And in spite of the so-called wisdom in the baby books, I think we each have to find our own way through it. When it’s going well it’s the best thing in the world, but on a bad day it’s about the most challenging, frustrating, depressing, annoying thing I can imagine. But like you, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Great post!
Tim´s last blog ..Car Wash

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A gorgeous post. But … I think you need to stop beating yourself up on the endless quest to ‘good’ parenting. There is no such thing. (Trust me – this is a subject very close to my heart, and not for the reasons you’d think either!) Provided that Kai is happy, and you are happy, for the majority of the time – then I think you’re onto a winner xxx
Kathryn´s last blog ..Morning has broken

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Tattooed_mummy Reply:
October 8th, 2009 at 7:58 am

@Kathryn,

so true, hunting for being a ‘good’ parent can waste the time you have to be you, the parent your child has and the parent your child needs.

continue to be happy, and sad, together.
Tattooed_mummy´s last blog ..Woo Hoo Boobies!!

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Tattooed_mummy Reply:
October 8th, 2009 at 7:58 am

@Kathryn,

so true, hunting for being a ‘good’ parent can waste the time you have to be you, the parent your child has and the parent your child needs.

continue to be happy, and sad, together.
Tattooed_mummy´s last blog ..Woo Hoo Boobies!!

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Josie – that is an amazing piece of writing and so honest. You’re so brave to be that honest with yourself. I think so often, we bluff our way along the road of parenthood – pretending it’s all just idyllic when really, it’s not. I have the most dreadful battles with my four yr old which I struggle to accept and come to terms with. I’m appauled with he hits and can’t believe my child would do that. Have I raised him badly? I think we all have an inherent sense of paranoia and thinking we have failed in our motherly duties. I guess that’s it – the total rollercoaster ride. But as you say, not one of us would choose to get off. x

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What a beautiful post, it totally resonates with me. I too suffer the extreame spectrum of emotions ranging from utter adoration to pure anger on a daily basis. I wonder somedays how on earth i’ll manage to sucessfully mother my children in the way i’d always hoped i would, every day is a struggle but also a learning curve in this never ending challenge called motherhood…your not alone.

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Thank you so much for writing this. I often feel guilty and like a failiure as a mother because while I love my children it is not the kind of love I expected it to be. There are times when they can make me so unhappy but also times when they make me feel more fulfilled than I thought possible.

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Thank you for sharing this beautiful perspective. I thought i was the only one – my first child and i have had this relationship from day one – and i still feel like i don’t know how to be a mum to her – not really – but yes, there are moments when i do.
Thank you

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It’s those expectations that do it, I think. Why would you have fairytale expectations when obviously real life is, per definition, not a fairytale? I think there’s something to be said for educating young people better about the realities of parenthood. How often do young parents need to use their knowledge of physics or ancient history? We are not taught enough about life itself.

I was expecting just the opposite – I thought I would be a horrible, unnatural mother, and I managed fine, because compared to my expectations REAL motherhood was a walk in the park. You sound like you had just the opposite experience. I wish we had both had some good parenting classes at school, talking about the good AND the bad days.

(Oh, and HOLD ON – it WILL get better.)
Mwa´s last blog ..I love routine so much I have a falling-asleep-thought routine

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Yes. Just yes. So many mothers feel like this, and I am one of them. Things don’t get easier, just different, with a bit more sleep. One day,like we did, you will think, actually, this is going great, maybe it is time for another one! I still shout when I don’t mean to. I don’t engage as much as I think I should when I’m tired. I say no too much. I’ve wondered about my love too.But sometimes,I have to stop myself from hugging him too hard,I could squeeze him to death, I love hi so much! And the highs are so much higher when the lows are so deep xxx
all grown up´s last blog ..Good deed of the day

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I agree wholeheartedly with your beautifully written post. I sometimes wish I could be more patient and saintly, but some days it is just too damn hard.
Cave Mother´s last blog ..Swipes, Scratches and Bites

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And the perfect monster picture to go with the post. So cute! Kids push me to my limits every single day…I continue to marvel at the fact that they are indeed still alive and healthy…and that indeed they still love me despite my yelling and nagging. Motherhood is an amazing journey. For real.

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hear hear. (we really do live parallel lives with parallel sons….) x

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It DOES get easier, I promise. I felt much the same way with my first child, but now she is a rather charming 4-year-old. Most of the time.

Many mothers do not experience the fairytale love. In fact, I think many more of us feel this way than would admit it. Parenting is HARD, and these kids are not often all that lovable.

The fact that you’re continuing to try, every day, speaks to the fact that you’re a good mother. Nobody knows what they’re doing, that’s the truth. But if we show up every day and give an honest effort, then we’re doing pretty well. Kids are resilient, they don’t need perfection. They just need someone to care and keep them alive.
Amber´s last blog ..Time Management

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Nice post. I DOES get easier. Hang in there.
A Modern Mother´s last blog ..There’s something funny in the toilet mummy

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Beautiful post Josie.
I have so much going round my head right now that I think I may have to write my own post on this instead of filling up your comment space.
I hope you and Insomniac Mummy don’t mind x
SandyCalico´s last blog ..She’s a Model and She’s Looking Good

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thank you for sharing your story. i feel that my love is not a fairytale love either. not sure if anyone really has that love completely. i think it comes and goes, depending on the situation. somedays my kiddo makes me want to pull my hair out and leave. other days he is sweet and loving and reminds me of the little boy i once knew and adored. take care.
golden girl´s last blog ..I’m Super Scary

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Lovely post… you are not alone… every mom has challenging days… it’s not easy… but the love, the love is real and fills our hearts every single moment.

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my son is also a strong (well, unbreakable) willed child. he is four and a half now, and it’s only JUST starting to get a bit easier. almost everything is still an argument and a fight and the attitude and backtalk is unreal.

like you, i had this dream idea of what kind of a mother i was going to be before i had kids. also, what kind of kids i was going to have. my kids were going to be well behaved, kind, gentle, loving souls. well, i got some of that, plus temperamental, aggressive, loud, rude, destructive, etc, etc, etc..

my 4 year old boy has taken to asking me, “mom, are you settled down now?” when i start to yell. no matter how many times i try to explain to him that nobody listens when i talk nice, he still doesn’t get it. all the “experts” say how you need to teach your kids to express feelings, but it doesn’t always work. i tell my kids, “mommy is getting frustrated that you are not listening,” but honestly? my kids don’t really give a shit. so what am i supposed to do? yelling is not the best way, but it sure gets kids’ attention.

obviously, i fail at mothering. lots. but i sure love my ankle-biters; at least i got that part right.
Stone Fox´s last blog ..The Stomach Flu: Not Just for Yakking on Yourself Anymore

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this is a beautifully honest post. I LOVE it!

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This post? Perfection. I loved every word of it– you captured motherhood so beautifully!

“And yet it is not a fairytale love. At times it is dark, it is agonising, it unravels me and balls me back up again over and over, every minute of every day.” Love that. So, so true.

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Oh dear…I wasn’t expecting to cry while reading these Scary Mommy posts. But here I am. Crying because I understand (and I’m so glad I’m not alone).
S Club Mama´s last blog ..Wordful Wednesday: Motherhood Edition

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Came to this post from Tara at Sticky Fingers.

One of my children is much more of a mystery to me than the other two. And that leads to frustration, because I just don’t understand what is going on in his head. One thought that made a big difference to me, is that a child is a parcel to be unwrapped. I found that so helpful. Up to then, I think I’d seen children as dough to be moulded. Seeing them as parcels to be unwrapped made the mystery seem full of potential, rather than frustrating (or the ‘isolating and confusing’ that you describe).

Just my ha’pennytworth.

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It doesn’t get any easier, my son is ten and I am wondering where that cute smile, the kisses and hugs just because, the cuddling, reading time, just being went. The part that kills me and breaks my ♥ everytime is the MOM, MOM, MOM, “What?” “I LOVE YOU” it gets me everytime! The only thing that gets better is the back talk, lying, rolling of the eyes, slamming doors, throwing fits, and making us look as “Scary” as they can. The one thing that I can tell you Josie is to get a hobbie, like drinking smoking, drugs, oh ok maybe all of them:)NO SERIOUSLY, I AM JUST KIDDING, about all three of them, just try one at a time:O J/K Don’t be so hard on yourself, because all of those PERFECT moms that you so admire and look up to are not so PERFECT!! They have skeletons in their closet but aren’t like us and admit it; and admire and look up to real moms like you and I who aren’t PERFECT but look like it to them!!!
Hope this helps:)
Chacoy
Chacoy´s last blog ..We Are All Scary Mommies!!!!!!!!!!!! {IF YOU THINK YOUR NOT, YES YOU, YOUR IN DENIAL!!!!}

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Hi Josie, just wanted to let you know that I have nominated this post as my favourite of 2009 on BMB

http://britishmummybloggers.ning.com/forum/topics/best-blog-posts-of-2009
Kelly´s last blog ..The art of letter writing

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