Uncategorized: becoming a grown-up being neurotic confidence doubt faking it growing up life moods Motherhood Neurotic Mummy Moment Offloading pull yourself together woman worrying Writing
by Josie
24 comments
I have confidence in… erm… something?
Picture if you will.
I am sat here in my jeans and over-sized sweater and my messy boy hair, wearing novelty socks and eating too many chocolate digestives. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. Unlike most mornings, today I did manage a whole fifteen minutes under a hot shower while Kai emptied the bathroom rubbish bin of tissues (don’t judge me – I’m strengthening his immune system), but absorbed in my hot-shower bliss I may have absent mindedly shampooed three times and conditioned twice so the messy boy hair is slightly lank. The over-sized sweater despite being clean on this morning already has some banana on one sleeve and what I think may be snot on the other. In the last 24 hours I have burst into tears a record number of five times and kicked two inanimate objects. I have had four hours sleep.
There are many things this scene screams. Confident, secure, fully-functioning grown-up is not one of them.
I have been struggling especially with the C word lately. No, not THAT C word. Confidence.
You see I seem to have mislaid mine. It’s not down the back of the sofa with the half-eaten rice cake. It’s not in the overflowing washing basket (hell it wouldn’t fit in there). It is not hidden behind the pile of clever books I can’t bring myself to read.
In fact, I don’t know where the frick it is. I haven’t seen it in quite a while.
More and more I envy those people who seem to ooze it from every perfect blemish-free pore. Those people that manage to combine motherhood with work and successful careers, with exciting projects coming out of their every orifice . Managing to fit deadlines around school runs, gym sessions and skin care regimes.
It’s like they are privy to a secret I have no idea about, passed about in hushed whispers while I was in the loo.
Around you – yes you accomplished people, I am left feeling so ineffective. So immature.
Why do I feel like this? Where on earth was I when the confidence ticket was handed out? (in the loo again probably – really should have worked harder on my pelvic floor).
I am 27. But I look kind of young for my age. I have a tendency to get written off by people, spoken to by strangers with that unique mix of patronising sympathy and instant dismissal. Old ladies can never believe it when I mention a husband, “but my, you’re too young to be married surely?!” and act surprised when I manage to come out with a vaguely intelligent or articulate comment. I always get asked for ID – once when I was buying PETROL which was more than insulting (surely I look older than 17? Don’t I??!!) My brother is two and half years younger then me and I look like his scruffy kid sister.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m sure when I’m 40 I will be grateful of this fact but right now it’s not really helping in the confidence department.
Social situations? Oh god where do I start. The stuttering? The complete brain freezes that make me incapable of speech? The completely irrational habit of coming away from all social encounters feeling dreadfully insecure and convinced I am the most scorned and despised person on the face of this planet?? I’ll stop there.
And then there’s work. Or ‘work’ as it should probably be referred to. Finding your way as a fledgling writer is not easy I can tell you. One of my opening exercises with my writing course was to free-write about your doubts about becoming a successful writer. I wrote six pages without even blinking. The thought of me ‘making it’ seems laughable. Successful writing seems to require a breeziness and articulate confidence that I can only imagine.
(Oh god. This is turning into a whiney post isn’t it. I apologise – there is a point I promise.)
It’s just I’ve been wondering what it is I’m missing? The right hair cut? The right clothes? The right pen? An ability to speak in whole sentences?
It’s easy to feel like those things would make all the difference but somehow I doubt it.
It’s also easy to feel like I’m the only one in the world left feeling so small, so insignificant.
But I’m not. I know I’m not.
I casually mention on Twitter about feeling like this and all of sudden I’m met with dozens of responses. All from women who say they feel the same. Many of them successful, accomplished women whom I admire.
And I’m left wondering… maybe the idea of a mysterious, innate secret to confidence is a misnomer? Perhaps, actually, none of us are the secure, confident people we imagine each other to be.
Maybe it’s not about FINDING confidence at all but actually just about FAKING it? And some people are just much better fakers than others?
So do you know what? That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give up trying to find it and settle for faking it instead.
And we’ll see what happens.
Now where’s that guitar case? I need to go swing it round on a mountain top.
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Taking a bit of a breather from the Sleep Carnival today – but do keep your submissions coming in, especially if you want to get your hands on the prize of all prizes which still seems to be causing a ridiculous amount of hysteria (not that I can blame you).
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the secret is one I learned form Dame Edna “act as if!”
ie act as if you are a megastar and soon you will be one, in the same way act as if you are a confident mummy….soon you will be – try it – it worked for me……(well it works for me when I remember to do it!!)
Tattooed_Mummy´s last blog ..Excited 
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It is quite possible that I may have your surplus of confidence. Would you like your share back?
PS I’m too scared to write this on the Slanket post, but I’m afraid I am vehemently anti-Slanket … there is a good reason why but I feel the fear of you Slanket devotees! xx
Kathryn´s last blog ..Traumatic times
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just keep writing Josie please, you are so articulate and I know I am terrified of my next OU course which is all literature and I dont think I have anywhere near your talent for writing. Things get bad, bumps in the road and I know where you are coming from with confidence (hell some mornings I cant get out of bed for lack of confidence and fear of the unknown) so KEEP writing and I think your blog is one of the best I have read if not THE best x x x
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Josie (Whitney) George. You are one of the most intelligent, hard working and ambitious women I know! You have a long and loving relationship with your hubby, no mean feat when you have been with them as long as we have! As well as a beautiful and seemingly just as intelligent as you child! You are the envy of most of the girls from Walton High School! LOL. RANT over.
I think everyone has confidence crises and it is amazing how easy it is for even the most cast iron self esteem to be knocked. People just get good at hiding it or staying indoors when they can’t! In my reflective group (7 psychologists, talking about themselves! Oh dear,) It was likened to skating on ice. Everyone has a wobble at times and when you think your getting the hang of it, the ice cracks, convincing you that you will never skate again. But you have to, so you keep trying
Now as you are one of the most intelligent people I know, can you tell me how to switch off the hanging paragraph formatting that seems to be default on my computer? 
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Its a little freaky because I think you have been inside my head! I feel exactly the same, thanks so much for making me feel like I am not the only one in the room who is a total dork! …not that your a dork but ya know what i mean!…
And as for this writing thing I think your gonna be great I’d buy your book now 
) xx
Icklebabe_com´s last blog ..4 traits of Lucky people…..
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I think your conclusion about everyone faking it is absolutely the right one. I have friends who work and have kids and have immaculate houses and always look gorgeous and I know that they all have doubts about all kinds of things. And a bedroom full of crap that they never get round to tidying. I almost think it’s easier if you are out there in the ‘real world’ because it makes you get on with it. I never have to look smart, so I don’t. No one will see if I don’t clear up the breakfast things until tea time, so I don’t. Fake it a bit more often and you’ll feel better. Your writing is fabulous, so please don’t doubt that.
Victoria´s last blog ..Brick Lane
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I so, completely, totally, hear you! It’s amazing how much I can relate. At 28 I no longer get carded, but I have had several people lately tell me that I look to young to be married or too young to be a mum. Confidence is elusive most days, but at least my husband and toddler think I’m beautiful and in the end that means more than anything else.
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Tattooed Mum is right..act..’as if’. I feel totally the same as you, yet I’ve had people say to me…’Oh you go and ask, you’re just so confident!’ What!!! It’s not easy being at home and trying to work while looking after a small child and having very little sleep. I really am not surprised you feel the way you do…the solution…I don’t know!! I know what helps me..getting out of the house…visiting friends..drinking wine and having a good cry!!
Andrea´s last blog ..Organising a dinner party…it’s MURDER!!!
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No, I’m sorry – I can see why you’d want to compete but there’s no matching my hair for sheer scruffiness. Hairdressers have broken down in tears as they try and cut it…
But you know what; the hair is always better behaved on the other side… Crises in confidence is mutual, and we both feel the other person is the mature, together one who seems to know how to live life… Naomi is right; I was known only as ‘Josie’s Brother’ for years! But I’m proud of that xx
@beyondbelieving´s last blog ..Back from the Dead
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You’re right … faking it is the way forward. It’s hard to do and sometimes you feel like you want to die inside. But – as with any skill, the more you do it the easier it gets. I also believe it DOES get easier as you get older (or maybe that’s just me being a grumpy middle aged woman who doesn’t give a stuff!).
I fin you a fabulous & very entertaining writer.
Lisa
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Fake it till you make it, girl. Oh, and I have found that therapy does wonders, as does very frequent sessions with my sister who feels the same. Definitely don’t ever let it stop you doing things, because that will get you into some horrible vortex of despair. (Been in said vortex, not nice.)
Mwa´s last blog ..Health and safety: not so Belgian
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Fake fake fake!!! My confidence is about as real as Pamela Anderson’s boobs. I learnt to fake it a long time ago, honed the skill at uni, got it down to a fine art once I started work and realised that I knew nothing. Now I am Mistress of Fake Confidence – and guess what, everyone believes it’s real. I have massive crises of confidence at home in private, where I cry, punch and throw cushions and shout a lot. But in public, it’s on with the brave face and fake-esteem. I could list all the things I worry about here, but I would bore all your readers and then you’d lose them all and that would be no good – I’ll tell you when I see you! So you see, you are not the only one. And I am willing to bet that nearly everyone feels like this. They just don’t let on.
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Josie my dear, I admire YOU!
Insomniac Mummy´s last blog ..Hot or not?
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Darling, there is absolutely NO reason for you to feel the way you do…you are fab, your blog is one of the best ones I’ve found in a long, long time and I find you hilarious…as does everyone else. So d’you know what? You don’t even need to fake it…you are pefect just as you are (but please remove the snot next time we meet)!
Ps – Have been asked for ID 3 times in the last few months (and I’m 35). And it still pisses me off!
Maternal Tales´s last blog ..Sleep deprivation? Not on your nelly…
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Oh my goodness – I don’t know what to say!
Thank you. Thank you so much each and every one of you for such kind and lovely words. It means more to me than you will ever know.
Now stop making me cry dammit. I hate crying.
xxxxx
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I can say anything I want to if I write it down but find it difficult discuss anything emotional face to face, I’m emotionally retarded. It drives the husband up the wall.
I think you’re great and I’ve only know you and your moustache a few weeks. Your one of my very favourite bloggers and a very good writer.
Oh and being ID’d. I have been asked for ID twice this year, for the first time in my life. I was always the one, aged 14 sent into the offy for cigarettes and alcohol. Now I look even older than I am which makes me think the people who asked me for ID were probably registered blind.
Laura Driver´s last blog ..Neighbourly Love
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Dealing with sleep deprivation and being challenged everyday by the hardest job on earth, mom (or parent if you will) is enough to shake your maybe once confidence to be queen of the world. You had it squared and just knew what you were doing. But then, oddly enough, you got a baby with its life on his own. A little bundle of love full of unexpected things going on. Then, your little comfort zone became challenged by little baby. Not only that, but respite from being a mom has been denied by moth nature. Fatigue mixed, with being a bit lost a times as what the future holds and not knowing exactly what do to, isn’t the best to boost confidence.
So, now, do you think that this is not exactly what happens to all moms? Some may have more rest, than you do, and some may be lucky to have more easy kids. But, the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence, believe me. many moms are struggling about what to do with their crying kids. Many moms feel the same guilt of not being all they expected to be, an almighty mom. This guilt weights on confidence. You start feeling poorly of yourself. Why me? What do I do wrong? But seriously, where is it written that it is supposed to be easy. kids aren’t exactly showing your success right away. It’s actually a long term investment. No immediate return. nothing is solid and lasting. It’s ever changing and trying. So you have to build new skills. does that make you feel sure of your self. no. do you succeed right away? no.
Now confidence comes from having the feeling of being in control. Control comes from feeling you are able to achieve what you want the way you want. Now, the trick is to have right expectations. lower them, don’t look at the neighbors grass and think that’s what you are suppose to have and that you are doomed.
Honestly, believe that nobody could better fill your shoes in your situation. You are the best in your position. Your Kai loves you and you love him. That’s a wonderful accomplishment, already. Give yourself some slack… your happy baby is a wonderful outcome of your existence and yourself. be proud. you are his hero. you are a mom!
Why do you think moms are so proud and inclined at talking about how their babies are doing this or that. Don’t you think it shows any of their concerns? If they were so confident about their skills or about how their child is doing, do you think they would talk so much about it? Think about it. Be confident you have all it takes to make it work. You are the best mom for your Kai. You are Josie. Look at what you have achieved already. Raising a child is an amazing task and you are doing it! You are making it happening!
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I really think that most everyone lacks confidence, at least in some area of their lives. We all struggle with our own insecurities and weaknesses, for sure.
That said, I am a FEW years older than you, and I am becoming more confident the older I get. It just feels like I have less to prove, and that I am more comfortable with who I am. Most of the time. Anyways, it’s a process, and you are not going to feel this way your whole life. It makes me happy to talk to older folks and hear them echo this sentiment. It does get easier, I promise.
Amber´s last blog ..Jellyfish Blooms
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Oh honey – I’m right there with you – was there some secret meeting where all the other Mums were told how to do it and I missed it?
Being a young Mum is never easy (hell even the label Young Mum isn’t easy as it implies boundless energy – which I lack)
But you are not not not alone. My confidence has been misplaced for many many years and as a fellow hopeful practitioner in creative industries, i feel like its kind of important, you know, for doing, well, anything.
But – you are doing amazingly. Deep breath.
with my first baby i was 21 – she would not sleep, unless she was being walked around the house, by her DAD – she didn’t want me for anything except food and as someone to cry at all day. And part of the night because I couldn’t sleep while she didn’t and her dad needed sleep so we would walk in shifts. This lasted for 9 months and even at a year she needed to be held till she fell asleep – and who did she want to read her stories – yup – DAD. Bang! Pow! any Mum confidence gone totally…and one day I hope to accept that it doesn’t matter that my daughter – now 9 , will still go to her dad first for things,then me as back up – because you know, i screwed up when she was 2, had another baby and ended up in hospital for 10 weeks, so why should she want me around at all.
The blessing in all this is that it meant I could be there almost totally for my son – while dad did bath and story for daughter – i got to be the best mum i could for my little boy – and sometimes he does come to me first.
I still think i suck as a mum and as a functioning person in soooo many ways- but am hoping that one day, one day confidence will come back, that I will care about me again.
So yes, you are not alone in lack of confidence.
Be brave – you are doing everything the right way it sounds, with your little one, and lack of sleep is hell on the mind.
thank you for sharing.
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Hello Lovely,
Finally get a chance to use the internet! What is this inherent fascination that the little people have with emptying the rubbish bin in the bathroom…?! I’m so glad you pointed out the benefits to their immune system. This is also the reason why I happily allow Lucy to cover Izzy from head to toe in old tissues, cotton buds, and other unmentionable items 
However, I’m not sure if it’s working as we all have the most awful, horrid colds ever this week. We need one of those curious ‘Slanket’ things I have just been reading about on here??!! They look utterly amazing!! I could fit all three (possibly even four) of us under there! I want the pink one!! Oh, and the next time you come round, you have to wear it… (for all other readers: this involves a bus journey and walking down some relatively busy roads…actually, I’m not sure why I threw you that challenge, because I know that you shall fearlessly turn up in it We can both hide under it if we get another week like this last one!!).
You are a wonderful, brilliant Mummy, writer and best-friend. Can I borrow some of your confidence to finish this PhD proposal please? And can Kai come round and re-claim his sheep? Lucy (the most confident being on the planet) is holding it hostage.
Lots of love XXX
P.s. Dave has the best hair :p
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As many people have told you, there’s no need to lack confidence but lots of us do. Your blog is just a small example of what you can achieve and I’m sure you’ll make it as a writer as you’re very talented (writers are usually introverts!).
I’ve found confidence takes a very long time to acquire, I spent my twenties completely shy and unconfident. I still get wobbles but at the grand old age of 35 I feel quite confident now.
Actually it’s not confidence, it’s really called getting too old to care.
Whistlejacket´s last blog ..What’s sleep deprivation like?
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Well…how very interesting to read this post, Missus.
I would never have guessed in a million years that someone who can write as beautifully as you should be in the grips of a crisis of confidence.
Though thinking about it, of course, the most talented writers are often those least willing to shout it from the rooftops.
Sleep deprivation is a b******. A journalist who has three children got in touch with me this week asking for advice on her career, she said she was “desperate”. I said to her as I will say now to you – don’t give a f*** what other people think.
You and your family are what matters, look at what you are achieving day in, day out for those around you. *Anything* else could be a walk in the park.
I think you are an excellent writer and (here I go stating the obvious, sorry!) you just need to be kinder to yourself and recognise how brilliantly you are doing. Your blog has become a “must read” for me, on your terms, not anyone else’s.
I don’t want to worry you but I was always the one to be asked how old I was by bar staff and was still being asked aged 25. At 41, I am now asked if I am my children’s nan or on one memorable occasion, my friend’s mum! So please revel in how young you look and do not get lumbered with the same fate that has befallen me!
I suppose my own story is that at work I can be so confident as to verge on arrogance but like everyone, personally I also have plenty of crises of confidence and have been mentally ill in the past. I would sob and say that people would be better off without me as I was so useless. But I knew I shouldn’t be feeling like that and went to a doctor and sorted it all out.
People say some very kind things to me about my work and so on. But in my personal life I have had some very difficult battles which have knocked the stuffing out of me.
I think these have made me stronger. The first month I worked as a freelance journalist I earned a mindblowing £160 for two day’s work for a charity. That same month my partner was diagnosed with cancer.
I wouldn’t have cared if I never earned any more but to have him get better was the jackpot.
Ever since I have taken the attitude that nothing else matters as much so over the last year to see my close family hit by serious illness has been heartbreaking.
I am gabbling on like this because I know people think of me as confident and yes, successful. You can imagine that is hard for me to write down so “brazenly” but my point of view is, as said above, don’t fake anything, just be yourself cos, guess what that’s bloody marvellous!
Much love to you. xx
Linda´s last blog ..Top pantos join in Great Panto Review 2009. Wahay!
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Josie Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
@Kathryn, I need to know Kathryn – I’m wrapped in one right now. Is it going to rise up and smother me?! Tell me!!!! I fear for my life!!!! xx
P.S. Have been so sad for you today – you have been on my mind lots xx
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Kathryn Reply:
September 26th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@Josie, Thank you lovely. It’s been a seriously crap couple of days, that’s for sure. Primary concern now is to make sure Sandwich is okay, she is a bit lost all by herself. We are going to scatter Bracken’s ashes in Neil’s parents’ garden where all the family cats are buried so I’m pleased about that.
As for the Slanket … god, I’m a bit scared to reveal it on here! All I will say is – and this may, in part, be down to my stupidly sensitive skin – is that both Neil and I came out in serious rashes after wearing it for a couple of hours. We ended up – gulp – binning it …
I’m sorry! – but I couldn’t lie to you! Hope you guys are all well, big kiss to Kai (and you and Ant!) xx
Kathryn´s last blog ..A rude awakening
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Kathryn Reply:
September 26th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@Josie, Thank you lovely. It’s been a seriously crap couple of days, that’s for sure. Primary concern now is to make sure Sandwich is okay, she is a bit lost all by herself. We are going to scatter Bracken’s ashes in Neil’s parents’ garden where all the family cats are buried so I’m pleased about that.
As for the Slanket … god, I’m a bit scared to reveal it on here! All I will say is – and this may, in part, be down to my stupidly sensitive skin – is that both Neil and I came out in serious rashes after wearing it for a couple of hours. We ended up – gulp – binning it …
I’m sorry! – but I couldn’t lie to you! Hope you guys are all well, big kiss to Kai (and you and Ant!) xx
Kathryn´s last blog ..A rude awakening
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