Out, Out Damn Spot!
Posted by Josie on Sep 10, 2009 in Kai, Me, Parenting | 28 comments
My mum has this theory that we’re all born with a ‘guilt’ gene that gets switched on when you have a baby.
I think she may be right.
It’s probably next to the selfish gene actually. Trying to steal it’s cake but then feeling dreadful about it afterwards.
Since becoming a mum I seem to live in a state of perpetual guilt, and the last couple of weeks have been no exception. In fact, I seem to be finding a whole range of new things to feel guilty about lately. Here is a ‘brief’ (ha ha yeah right!) run-down:
Source of agonising guilt #1 – the whole work/mum/wife/housekeeper balance thing
I want to be a good mother, I want to give Kai lots of one-on-one attention and fill his days with fun things to do.
I want to be a good writer, I want to do something for ‘me’ that is separate from my identity as a mother and gives me an important feeling of self-worth. I NEED this in a way that is hard to describe.
I want the house not to look like a shit-hole.
I want to be an attentive and caring wife, putting Ant’s needs before my own sometimes and be prepared to compromise. And not be a grumpy cow all the time.
Why is it I only seem to be able to achieve one of these things by neglecting all the others??
Source of agonising guilt #2 – I have been hiding out
For some reason I’m finding the whole sociable aspect of motherhood really, unbelievably hard at the moment. I’ve always had a bit of a reclusive nature when the chips are down, retreating to my duvet and my head when things get tough. I’ve been so tired lately. Kai’s been sleeping very badly again and I’ve been desperately trying to juggle all the things in guilt-trip #1. Since Kai came along the duvet days are less practical so the head retreats are getting more and more attractive and pervasive and I find myself avoiding social contact, hiding out at home or doing things with just me and Kai. Which is rubbish frankly, rubbish for me and especially rubbish for Kai who loves, and deserves, lots of time with other children (hence the guilt trip)
I don’t know why. The Competitive Mums / ‘Other Mother’ brigade don’t help – since I always manage to come away from their company feeling about as competent and worthy as dung beetle with two legs that can only go round in circles and not even shovel poo very successfully (which is an apt metaphor for motherhood if I ever heard one).
But they’re not the ONLY mums. There are nice ones! REALLY nice ones who make me feel safe and accepted and not judged. Granted, they’re in the minority but still. They are there.
So why am I avoiding them??
And lastly the biggy…
Source of agonising guilt #3 – a new tough love regime for Kai
I’ve talked about Kai’s sleep problems before, and also that I long ago made the decision not to use ‘crying-it-out’ as a solution. Once again I will stress, this is not about my judging other mums, but about me saying that I don’t believe letting bad sleepers cry it out is the only way to teach them to sleep. Maybe the quickest, but not your only option.
We’ve made real progress with Kai over the last few months. On a good night now he is quite happy to have a good long feed till he’s nice and sleepy and then lie down in his cot and go to sleep on his own (without his dummy!!) More often now when he does stir he will settle himself and go back to sleep. Until we come to bed that is. Then ALL Kai wants to do is sleep curled between us, feeding on and off for most of the night, and fidgeting and fussing. I’m exhausted. I’m loosing weight again, I’m looking tired and worn out. And actually that second part of the night? It’s getting worse.
On the one hand all the old problems are still there, the extreme wakefulness, the very real difficulty in getting back to sleep when he’s woken up, the possible nightmares/teething/tummy aches/fact that it’s a Tuesday, or whatever other mysterious thing it is that seems to make sleep such an issue for him.
But on the other hand? He’s not a little baby any more. He’s eating well, getting plenty of food and milk during the day. He’s coping better with separation and is secure and confident. He understands when you say no and bye bye and what it means. He’s also learning how to get his own way – unlike when he was an infant, what Kai wants now isn’t always what he needs.
Right now, now he’s older, secure and healthy, what he needs is sleep. He doesn’t need milk all night. And my instinct tells me he’s ready, ready in a way he hasn’t been before.
So we’re making some changes.
I’m not expecting him to go without comfort at night. I don’t think my role as parent ends at 7.30pm. But I am expecting him to go without milk. At the very least getting down to maybe only one or two feeds at night.
I’m not leaving him to cry it out. But I am accepting there may well be some crying involved. And as my very lovely friend pointed out to me today:
“A child fussing and crying in the arms of a loving parent is not the same as crying it out” – thank you again Ruthie, I needed to hear that.
So there we go. Not unreasonable I think but still,
GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT!!!
So come on then – as a parent what’s your big source of guilt right now? Purge people, PURGE!
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http://www.icklebabe.com
You must have been reading my mind! you have covered ( in perfect words!) exactly how I feel 90% of the time!
I am even going to make the OH read it so finally he might understand,
Great Post! thankyou!
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http://wackymummy.wordpress.com
Aw hon I’m sorry you’re havign a tough time with Kai atm. I’m always here if you wanna chat. We’re having similar issues with sleep at the moment, Kyle has well and truely decided he doesn’t like it whatsoever! And just wants to play lol.
We have found what helps (well at least has him waking up only once as opposed to 3 – 4 times like he has been doing) is giving him a sippy cup of horlicks before bed, it’s safe once they turn one and is packed full of vitamins (and tastes good too!) Maybe mix it up with some pumped milk or whole milk? And try giving it to bhim before bed? Or when he wakes up in the night? Just thought I’d throw that out there
It might not work, I’m not saying it will but it’s worth a shot Hope things get easier for you soon xxx
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http://lifewithalittledude.blogspot.com/
Oh it’s like you opened up my head and pulled out my thoughts.
It’s definitely a mummy thing. maybe they slip us guilt pills in the maternity ward?At the moment, I feel most bad about the social thing I think – I’ve met quite a few nice mummies, and had some great chums anyway, but sometimes it just feels like such an effort to get ready & actually go out.
Slobbing at home with the litle dude is so much easier
It’s stupid though- I always have a lovely time when we do go out, I’m just a lazy bum!!Oh, and I feel guilty about bumming around on the internet while the baby’s napping – I know I should probably be doing laundry, or ironing, or hoovering, but twitter & google reader are far more apealing
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Josie Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:16 pm@leslieanne, Bumming around on the internet is about the only thing that keeps me sane some days! The housework has to take a back seat to our mental health, don’t you think
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http://mwaonline.blogspot.com
You said it.
Shame you live in another country. We could be BFF!
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http://westonsupermum.blogspot.com
I have exactly the same issue with social contact and often I stay away from toddler/parent groups – can’t bear them and often cliques have already formed. This isn’t helped by being an older mum. My Girl has been in some sort of daycare since 8 months old (I worked p/t for a year). Even as a full-time mum (from 20 months) she has either gone to Nursery for 1 day per week or pre-school for 3 sessions of 21/2 hours. Not only did this give me a break but, more importantly, it gave her valuable interaction with other kids without me around. She’s just turned 3 and is at pre-school every morning. I suppose this alleiviates my guilt thing and I feel that time out of pre-school can (mostly but not exclusively) be her and me alone.
I felt I had to let her “cry it out” at night-time and do the quick fix because, without my sleep I am useless to her. I’m a lone parent, don’t know if that makes a difference.Insightful post – and don’t feel guilty!! All we can do is our best xx
.-= Weston-super-Mum´s last blog ..4 Years (abridged) =-.[Reply]
Josie Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:00 pm@Weston-super-Mum, Being on your own makes a HUGE difference – I am in awe of you and always feel so humbled reading about your life with your gorgeous girl. You are obviously SUCH a supermum (without the question mark). Sounds like you’ve struck the perfect balance – somthing I’m still really struggling with. I guess I’m just going to have to get better by picking myself up and trying again over and over.
And again – no judgements on the crying it out thing. It’s just not for me (I’d rather have no sleep if I’m honest!) We all just have to do what we need to survive and be the best parents we can xx
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http://maternityandnursingbras.blogspot.com
I know the guilt feeling all too well! My guilt was always compounded by the fact that I did things differently with my first child……….
Don’t seem to feel so guilty now though – I have realised that I made the best decisions that I could at the time, based on the info I had then. And my daughter is still a wonderful, kind loving child!
It does get easier (my Dad – an experienced father of 4) always used to tell me this and it is true. We went through similar hard times with DDs sleep – I just had to cuddle her lots while she fought and fought sleep and eventually gave in. More often than not DH would come up to bed and I’d be fast asleep with her. But we got there in the end, and she now goes to sleep in her own bed with no problems.
The tiredness doesn’t help though….
xxx
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Josie Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:09 pm@Emma, I’m really liking that “got there in the end” bit … just keep telling me that!
And you’re right. The tiredness doesn’t help. We’ve had an especially bad couple of nights this week which I think is mostly responsible for my wobbly lower lip.
Thanks for your comment x
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http://emilybassin.blogspot.com
DO. NOT. FEEL. GUILTY. ABOUT. A. THING. I know it’s easier to say…but seriously. You love your child. That overrides all the things that you feel you aren’t doing right. Things will come…eventually…tidy house, husband love, sleep, social life – they’ll all come. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Having said all that, I have to confess that I did let both my children ‘cry it out’. And yes I felt guilty (well at least I did for the first one. By the time the second came I knew it was the only way). And it saved my sanity…truly. But all parents are different as are all children and all situations. But, try to make things easy for yourself – yes, for your child of course, that goes without saying, but for yourself too. Don’t forget yourself in all of this. And NO guilt. xxx
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Josie Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:15 pm@Maternal Tales, Thank you – you are so lovely. I’m not very good at not being hard on myself, never have been, but seem to be even worse since Kai arrived.
I’m glad you found a solution for your two. You’re absolutely right – it depends on the parent, the child, the situation as to what will work best. Me and Kai are finding our way, slowly, with give and take on both side. It’s just not easy.
xxxxx
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http://notnowlater.typepad.com/
I’m another one that can completely relate to your post. I felt it especially the first year or so of my oldest child’s life when I was seriously sleep deprived, lacking in confidence with regards to becoming a parent and generally trying to work out what expected of me and what I expected of myself both as a SAHM. That’s not to say the guilt has gone, but I can rationalize it a bit better.
However, to answer your question my current sources of guilt are… did my son get shingles because he is malnourished/ stressed/ because I’m a crap mum? Do I spend enough one on one time with my daughter? Do they watch too much tv/ eat balanced meals? Why can’t I keep on top of the housework? Lose weight? Be a better wife? etc etc etc. They all surface when I’m feeling a bit low.
Sounds a bit cheesy, but look after yourself, trust your instincts and do the things you need to do whether it be hiding out with your boy for a while, or finding time to write regularly. Think it’s all part of keeping sane in all this mummy stuff.
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http://clareybabble.blogspot.com
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I agree with Ruthie. She sounds like a smart one. Definitley a mom to hang around with.
My son is twelve months old and at 10 months I decided I just couldn’t night nurse anymore. The same thing happened with his sister. So I started nursing him at night. When he gets up my husband gets him. The first night he did cry. He cried for an hour in my husbands arms. It was hard but I knew he was being loved.
Since then there have been nights where I have nursed him and even brought him back into bed with me. Most nights he sleeps through on his own, or just gets up once and goes back to sleep.
Without sleep it is really hard to do all those other things we want to do. It is hard to give to other people when we feel so empty. Give yourself some time to deal with #1 once you are getting more sleep. If you are sleeping through the night for a whole month and still don’t want to socilize then there may be a problem. Until then just take each day as it comes.
You are doing great!
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http://insomniacmummy.com
I could’ve written your first two points myself. I am in a state of perpetual guilt!
The social contact thing is a biggie for me. I want Big E to make friends but I am not great with toddler groups and cliquéness (is that even a word?). I once had a panic attack at toddler group and had to leave because no-one even noticed or spoke to me or Big E. Ended up sobbing in the street and had to get G to come out of work to rescue me in the car as I was rooted to the spot. Scary times.
On a side note. I dreamt I was playing Guitar Hero with you and Vernon Kaye last night. Odd.
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Wow – firstly amazing website – secondly – Have hope – I had a very very fussy first baby who had to be walked to sleep constantly because i had been encouraged to do controlled crying and she would not tolerate that – she is now awake till ten at night and up at 5.20. Second child, while awake lots, shared my bed, fussed a usual amount, but never ever was denied comfort and hugs and feeds and love – all just felt right and was dictated by him and he is now a wonderful sleeper and has been since i think about age 2, full nights, self settling if he wakes – just lovely really
But yes guilt guilt guilt so so much of it , so constant, so horrible…but my comment is long enough already…[Reply]
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http://childhood101.blogspot.com/
You have summed it up so well. I find the mother guilt and it’s partner, ‘mother worry,’ so overwhelming at times. Especially when I have girlfriends who seem to do it all so much more easily than me! You must however check out these wise words to at least alleviate the guilt about the housework – http://childhood101.blogspot.com/2009/08/reminder-for-generation.html
I have really enjoyed visiting your blog and have added you to my reader.
Christie – Childhood 101
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Josie Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 3:36 pm@Christie, Wise words indeed Christie – thank you for that. I keep saying to myself that the LAST thing I’ll say to myself when I’m old is “I wish I’d spent more time doing housework!”
I’m so glad you stopped by – thank you so much for your lovely comment xx
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http://when-did-i-become-my-mom.com
Josie Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@Icklebabe_com, Very reassuring to me to know that others feel the same – especially a super mumpreneur like yourself! Thanks honey xx
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